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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband touched a kid to reprimand them on school trip

792 replies

ToddlerIs2 · 15/09/2025 11:25

Husband went on school ltrip with yr 6 dc as our DC"s 121 so only responsible for him. Yr 4 girl in front was being annoying all journey. Husband asked her to stop several times. He dozed off and she banged the seats again (so banding onto her knee) and he lent over and tapped her on the head and told her to stop. Off the coach the teacher spoke to him and he said sorry, didn't think etc. now head wants to see him. What's the likely consequences? We have a lot going on and I'm not holding it all together very well so at home so don't know how irrational I am. He's never smacked out kids so I know it won't have been a smack to the head etc and it was only when she got off she told the teacher. I'm absolutely fuming because how did he forget to never touch someone else's child? And obviously there's an angry parent there that there's a grown man who's touched their daughter so school will probably have to make an example of him. Any ideas what's likely to happen?

OP posts:
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8
Octavia64 · 15/09/2025 12:41

SS will not care.

parents might report to the police if the child has embellished/they are very angry but the police will not care either although they might record it in some way.

it was on a coach so there are plenty of witnesses.

calm down. It was a foolish thing to do but it’s going to blow over. Head needs to talk to him to get his side and to explain to him what a prat he was.

ex teacher.

notacooldad · 15/09/2025 12:41

I work in a school. We just did safeguarding refreshing training. We were told we are not allowed to tap, hug a child ever.

I work in Children's services so and refreshed my safeguarding inJuly.
We got told we can tap hug etc but must use caution.

We have plenty of children who have been taken from their parents, foster placements have broken down or they have spent time in a police cell and they have been bought to our care. Most are already open to us and know the staff.
The first thing most do is fling themselves on to their case worker for a hug.
Others will sit on their bed and later on want to be held.
I had a child that begged to go home but he couldn't at 3 o'clock in the morning he was crying on the steps. The only way to sooth him wax to be behind him and gently hold and rock him while he cried.

I think I would rather leave my job than not offer appropriate co.fort to a child while they are in crisis.

GlastoNinja · 15/09/2025 12:41

smooththecat · 15/09/2025 12:35

Tapped is minimising language unless it’s literally tapping someone on the arm to get their attention. It sounds like hitting, smacking or slapping.

You think what the OP describes sounds like hitting, smacking or slapping? Does it chuff!

RuttleTuttle · 15/09/2025 12:42

ToddlerIs2 · 15/09/2025 12:29

School won't tell us who the kids is, so he can't apologise. DS prob wont know either. I expect the grape vine could be squeezed for who but I don't think him approaching the parents is necessarily helpful. How else other than being genuinely contrite in the meeting can he help resolve this? I mean he could write a letter of apology to pass on I guess but would a parent actually care about the letter?

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Do not put anything in writing. He should be contrite in the meeting, but should not offer anything that isn't being asked for.

StillTryingtoBuy · 15/09/2025 12:42

CaptainMyCaptain · 15/09/2025 12:38

Tapping as in tapping to get attention is literally what I understood this to mean so not minimising anything. Unless some people use the word to mean something more violent.

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I think people often use it as in “I don’t smack but I give a light tap if my child misbehaves” - not as a getting attention thing but as a physical back up to a verbal reprimand, basically, and that’s what I understand the OP’s DH has done here. Wouldn’t it be more usual to tap (for attention) a shoulder? No-one has ever tapped me on the head for attention!

SushiForMe · 15/09/2025 12:42

I’m assuming he is not physically reprimanding all the people who annoy him when he travels (people on trains, airplanes etc) so I guess the question you should ask him is why do it when the other person is a child / female / without her parents there?

Original poster
ToddlerIs2 · 15/09/2025 12:42

Pastaandoranges · 15/09/2025 12:32

I imagine it will depend on the girls version of events and how angry and/or crazy her parents are and if any witnesses can coorberate your husbands story.
It could all blow over in one cknversation if everyone is reasonable and thing happened as tour husband said they did. I imagine it could escalate if the girl has said it was more than a tap and also if her parents are angry and more so if they are unreasonable types.
I do think if a male parent hit my daughter in the head I would be furious and I am a reasonable person who doesnt usually make a big deal of things and also knows my kids arent perfect.
How long was this journey? Because if it was only a few hours then he can't really say he was trying to sleep. Its a school trip not first class long haul. But an overnight trip then possibly has an excuse.

No he wasn't trying to sleep, it's only 4 hours, he was up 90 minutes earlier than normal and tired so I think the journey just dozed him off. Not an excuse, just afact. Like I said, his actions aren't ok regardless of how awake he was.

OP posts:
smooththecat · 15/09/2025 12:42

CaptainMyCaptain · 15/09/2025 12:38

Tapping as in tapping to get attention is literally what I understood this to mean so not minimising anything. Unless some people use the word to mean something more violent.

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Exactly, people will say they gave someone, usually a child, ‘a tap on the head’ to mean they’ve hit someone on the head. ‘I only tapped her’ when accused of smacking etc. Not referring to OP here.

CaptainMyCaptain · 15/09/2025 12:42

Gagamama2 · 15/09/2025 12:39

Completely irrelevant to the op’s original post - of COURSE a male teacher shouldn’t be hugging female students on the way out of the door, that’s creepy af.

Tapping someone on the head to get their attention is in no way sexual and the idea that a child would need to be “safeguarded” against this is ridiculous

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This. No male teacher in my lifetime (70 years) could have seriously believed it was OK to hug female pupils on the way out.

CaptainMyCaptain · 15/09/2025 12:43

smooththecat · 15/09/2025 12:42

Exactly, people will say they gave someone, usually a child, ‘a tap on the head’ to mean they’ve hit someone on the head. ‘I only tapped her’ when accused of smacking etc. Not referring to OP here.

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I've never heard it used that way.

Booneymil · 15/09/2025 12:43

CaptainMyCaptain · 15/09/2025 12:42

This. No male teacher in my lifetime (70 years) could have seriously believed it was OK to hug female pupils on the way out.

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And yet its ok for the Op's husband to touch a female child on the head?

Why?

eastsheener · 15/09/2025 12:43

GlastoNinja · 15/09/2025 11:46

For real? Who’d work with kids nowadays? A child is behaving like a twat and ignoring verbal requests of an adult sitting behind them so he taps their head to get their attention and tell them to behave, then it’s him who gets in bother.

What a world we live in.

But the husband is the adult and should know better. I wouldn’t be happy if someone touched my daughter.

Endofyear · 15/09/2025 12:43

Obviously your DH shouldn't have done it. I presume the Head will speak to him and tell him he can't accompany your son on any trips in the future. Reporting to the police would be way over the top and a ridiculous waste of police time in my opinion. Hopefully your DH has learned a lesson not to physically chastise someone else's child!

Original poster
ToddlerIs2 · 15/09/2025 12:44

SushiForMe · 15/09/2025 12:42

I’m assuming he is not physically reprimanding all the people who annoy him when he travels (people on trains, airplanes etc) so I guess the question you should ask him is why do it when the other person is a child / female / without her parents there?

I don't think he thought oh look, he's a girl, let's abuse her hahahah. And he didn't intend it as a reprimand, he tapped her to get her attention, not to punish her. I accept that doesn't change the fact he touched her but I think it's important for context that he wasn't looking for little girls to hit to get his rocks off.

OP posts:
BadgernTheGarden · 15/09/2025 12:44

What punishment is the misbehaving child getting?

CaptainMyCaptain · 15/09/2025 12:45

StillTryingtoBuy · 15/09/2025 12:42

I think people often use it as in “I don’t smack but I give a light tap if my child misbehaves” - not as a getting attention thing but as a physical back up to a verbal reprimand, basically, and that’s what I understand the OP’s DH has done here. Wouldn’t it be more usual to tap (for attention) a shoulder? No-one has ever tapped me on the head for attention!

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I have never heard it used that way. If the girl was in the seat in front perhaps her head was the only bit he could reach. It was not ideal but the over reaction on here is immense.

Beachtastic · 15/09/2025 12:45

GlastoNinja · 15/09/2025 11:46

For real? Who’d work with kids nowadays? A child is behaving like a twat and ignoring verbal requests of an adult sitting behind them so he taps their head to get their attention and tell them to behave, then it’s him who gets in bother.

What a world we live in.

This, really. God, I feel old...

DrPrunesqualer · 15/09/2025 12:45

BadgernTheGarden · 15/09/2025 12:44

What punishment is the misbehaving child getting?

Seeing her classmates dad being reprimanded it seems

On the next school trip I’d be expecting one of her parents attends in order to avoid her bad behaviour
but that’s another issue.

Original poster
ToddlerIs2 · 15/09/2025 12:45

CaptainMyCaptain · 15/09/2025 12:42

This. No male teacher in my lifetime (70 years) could have seriously believed it was OK to hug female pupils on the way out.

Show quote history

I remember sitting on my male teachers lap when I was in juniors crying because I was being bullied. Even retrospectively, I have zero concerns it was anything more than a natural parental response to a sobbing little girl

OP posts:
StillTryingtoBuy · 15/09/2025 12:46

CaptainMyCaptain · 15/09/2025 12:45

I have never heard it used that way. If the girl was in the seat in front perhaps her head was the only bit he could reach. It was not ideal but the over reaction on here is immense.

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I think he could have reached her shoulder, surely? If he’d needed to get her attention?

Shewasafaireh · 15/09/2025 12:46

It happened when my DD was in Y3, the teacher gently tapped one of the students’ head with a pencil case and told him to pay attention (jokingly and a light tap) and apparently the parents put in a complaint.

Teacher had to bring it up in a meeting and most parents (predictably) laughed at the ridiculousness of it all.

Maybe the parents should teach the kid to behave on a coach.

CaptainMyCaptain · 15/09/2025 12:46

Booneymil · 15/09/2025 12:43

And yet its ok for the Op's husband to touch a female child on the head?

Why?

Edited
Show quote history

To get her attention and because it wasn't sexual.

Bambamhoohoo · 15/09/2025 12:46

This thread is bonkers.

the head will just get his version then convey whatever message they wish in response, then forget about it. He might not be able to go on more trips but it’s hardly the end of the world.

life happens, we are perfect. I can’t believe how mad you are about it, and some of the other posters are even worse

worrisomeasset · 15/09/2025 12:47

Absolutely do NOT contact the kid’s family. At this moment, there’s no reason to think the girl’s family have complained and it’s quite possible that the child in question thought nothing of the incident. If the teacher spoke to your DH with a concern, he or she would be duty-bound to mention it to the Head.

Original poster
ToddlerIs2 · 15/09/2025 12:47

StillTryingtoBuy · 15/09/2025 12:42

I think people often use it as in “I don’t smack but I give a light tap if my child misbehaves” - not as a getting attention thing but as a physical back up to a verbal reprimand, basically, and that’s what I understand the OP’s DH has done here. Wouldn’t it be more usual to tap (for attention) a shoulder? No-one has ever tapped me on the head for attention!

Show quote history

It was over a coach seat whilst in a seat belt. I'm glad he didn't aim for a shoulder, God only knows what people would assume he was aiming for

OP posts: