Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL thrown a strop over Christmas (sorry for mentioning)

327 replies

ToysCatapultedFromPram · 14/09/2025 19:21

We just invited my PIL for Christmas, but they’ve declined in a huff. They aren’t coming.

The reason is because this year I’ve decided to have a bit of an open house. My sibling is staying near me, and as a result is able to bring down my parents. I’ll go pick them up from where they are staying and bring them to mine. How nice to have them in my own house when they live hundreds of miles away. A rare occurrence. My sibling will come over Boxing Day with their family. I’m delighted to host something that may not happen again.

Secondly, my DD’s serious partner spends Christmas Day alone for various strained family reasons and I’ve said they are more than welcome in my house over the Christmas period. It’s the right thing to do, and what Christmas is about.

However my PIL are not happy about this. TBH due to the proximity of where they live in relation to us, they’ve spent many more Christmases with us than anyone else.

They have been invited, but now declined. My DH is a bit upset.

AIBU to think that;

a) Inviting my DC’s partner is the RIGHT thing to do.

b) Having my family over, a rare occurrence, should be jumped on by me.

c) If my PIL don’t want to join us, that’s their problem, and I’m not going to change the above plans to suit them. I’m going the right thing and if they don’t like it, tough tits. If they want to spend it alone, that’s on them and Tbh I have a lovely family, much nicer than my in-laws, and I’m insulted at the slight.

So who IBU here?

OP posts:
Enough4me · 14/09/2025 21:49

YADNBU you can look forward to Christmas now and if they say later they've changed their minds... oh what a shame no room now you've said GC can use beds too.

JetFlight · 14/09/2025 21:50

Your parents are blood family too, aren’t they?
It sounds like you’ve all had a set pattern for Xmas and your in-laws don’t like the change. Let them sulk.
You have every right to invite others.

Gremlins101 · 14/09/2025 21:50

Growing up we used to have 16 to 10 people ish for Xmas dinner because my mum always felt to need to cook for "waifs and straifs" she called them 😅 i agree that noone should be left lonely at Xmas

The first time my parents didn't have any kids and grandkids for Xmas and their friends were occupied elsewhere, they didn't get in a strop about it, they wangled an invite to someone else's Xmas day and enjoyed their friends cooking for them!

Life is about being flexible and enjoying what you can

Maray1967 · 14/09/2025 21:51

Ponderingwindow · 14/09/2025 21:12

We have quietly bowed out as some of the family celebrations have grown larger for purely medical reasons. I certainly don’t begrudge the hosts for including their guests. The celebration just no longer works for us. We meet up with the hosts and the core people on another day.

Your PILs are going to need to accept that your family is aging and that means changes are going to happen.

Yes, I think that this is a huge issue in some families - parents (mums??) refusing to accept that their DC have grown up and want to do things differently. One of my friends has battled for years with this as her parents kick off as she stays in her home with her DH and they’re invited. Her DM didn’t even acknowledge the point when she reminded her that her DGPs came to them a generation ago.

We have made it clear that we’re staying in our city as DS1 and GF can see both sides on the sat. PIL are welcome, 23rd to 26th. My side arrive 26th-27/28th. Everyone helps and it works fine. It simply will not work if we go to PILs, 80 miles away. They haven’t got enough beds for a start.

OuijaBoard · 14/09/2025 21:58

YANBU to invite who you like for Christmas, presuming it's OK with other household members. Plus you're hardly going to disinvite your parents, sibling, and DC's partner now, are you?

Also not unreasonable for your PILs to turn down the invitation, and kind of unreasonable to be upset that they did.

Why is your husband upset, and at whom?

(It does sound like you have disdain for your PILs, but not sure how or if that's even relevant.)

ButterPiesAreGreat · 14/09/2025 21:59

Oh, families and Christmas, it’s such a minefield.

This is why we decided to do Christmas Day with just our kids at home as much as possible, and tbh, my kids have always loved that and still do. We have done it slightly differently a couple of times with DHs for family reasons and we have had the odd people to stay or come round for dinner.

I’d stick to your guns, tbh.

Studyunder · 14/09/2025 22:04

Sounds like a great Christmas with all your family. What a wonderful gathering of you all. Them not wanting to come just speaks volumes about themselves 🤷🏼‍♀️

Also, friends are the family you choose. So you DD’s boyfriend is potentially her forever family choice. Regardless of this, he’s her person, ie the one who loves and cares for your precious DD. This make him incredibly important does it not? Everyone wants their adult child to have people looking out for them….

Anyhoo, have a fabulous time ☺️

Shinyandnew1 · 14/09/2025 22:09

Secondly, my DD’s serious partner spends Christmas Day alone for various strained family reasons and I’ve said they are more than welcome in my house over the Christmas period. It’s the right thing to do, and what Christmas is about.

Is your daughter your in law's grandaughter?

Londonrach1 · 14/09/2025 22:13

Yanbu. Don't see the issue they been invited and Christmas is about people popping in and out of friends and family... They decision to cut their noses off.

ItWasTheBabycham · 14/09/2025 22:21

When you PIL host they can decide who comes. Your house your rules

DoinFineIThink · 14/09/2025 22:23

ToysCatapultedFromPram · 14/09/2025 19:57

Honestly, for me, this is the best Christmas ever.

My parents will be in “My” house. My sibling will come over with their step family. My DD will be happy, rather than worrying about her BF’s tricky situation. As far as I’m concerned he could be my future Son-in-law. He’s very welcome here. He’s family.

I’m happy to go the whole hog. I’ve got time off over Christmas. I‘m happy to host over Christmas Eve/ Day/ Boxing Day. It’s probably a once in a life time situation for me., I’m very happy to do an open house.

They don’t want to come. They aren’t stepping back and giving me grace with my own family, it’s very much a strop.

Whilst I don’t want to upset my in-laws, I’ll go with “what’s the right thing to do” and I’ll dig my heels in.

Why not say this is what Christmas is all about, and come help me instead?

Edited

You need to change your mindset and reaction to them.
"Aw, that's a shame you don't want to come anymore. You know you're still welcome if you change your mind."
Then go on with your day and leave them to their sulking. You're doing nothing wrong, you're inviting everyone. Leave them to the ridiculous games. They'll soon get bored.

MinnieMou5e · 14/09/2025 22:30

Yanbu.

You will have a lovely day and it’s PIL choice so you have done NOTHING wrong!

FullLondonEye · 14/09/2025 22:37

Sounds like you've dodged a bullet here. Now all you have to do is work out how you can make it happen every year!

Ratafia · 14/09/2025 22:42

ToysCatapultedFromPram · 14/09/2025 20:39

Those asking; we asked them what they were doing for Christmas, told them my parents and potential SIl were coming, and MIL got angry and said “no, it’s OK, we don’t want to come. We aren’t sure what everyone else is doing yet”. So, waiting on other offers, but ours isn’t palatable.

We usually get “Christmas is about family”, which Imo is what I am doing.

I’m just fed up of them TBH. I’m going to make this the best Christmas ever without them 🤷‍♂️

The beauty of this is that "Christmas is about family" plays straight into your hands - you can say "Exactly, that's why I've invited you as well as my own family and the person my DD loves". The only people keeping families apart is them.

Iloveacurry · 14/09/2025 22:43

PIL sound miserable and very unreasonable. Leave them to it.

LillyPJ · 14/09/2025 22:46

YANBU. Your plans sound excellent to me.

Shinyhappypeople43 · 14/09/2025 22:48

How can your DH possibly be cross with you? Does he want to placate his parents and have just them over, because they're family and your parents somehow aren't?

Have you suggested yet that he goes and spends the day with his parents if he's that offended by you having your family to stay? I

And I really hope you enjoy this Christmas so much that you repeat the open house in 2026, or go visit your parents for Christmas. Because it is all about family!

jbm16 · 14/09/2025 22:49

ToysCatapultedFromPram · 14/09/2025 19:21

We just invited my PIL for Christmas, but they’ve declined in a huff. They aren’t coming.

The reason is because this year I’ve decided to have a bit of an open house. My sibling is staying near me, and as a result is able to bring down my parents. I’ll go pick them up from where they are staying and bring them to mine. How nice to have them in my own house when they live hundreds of miles away. A rare occurrence. My sibling will come over Boxing Day with their family. I’m delighted to host something that may not happen again.

Secondly, my DD’s serious partner spends Christmas Day alone for various strained family reasons and I’ve said they are more than welcome in my house over the Christmas period. It’s the right thing to do, and what Christmas is about.

However my PIL are not happy about this. TBH due to the proximity of where they live in relation to us, they’ve spent many more Christmases with us than anyone else.

They have been invited, but now declined. My DH is a bit upset.

AIBU to think that;

a) Inviting my DC’s partner is the RIGHT thing to do.

b) Having my family over, a rare occurrence, should be jumped on by me.

c) If my PIL don’t want to join us, that’s their problem, and I’m not going to change the above plans to suit them. I’m going the right thing and if they don’t like it, tough tits. If they want to spend it alone, that’s on them and Tbh I have a lovely family, much nicer than my in-laws, and I’m insulted at the slight.

So who IBU here?

You've invited them, why should they dictate who you can invite for christmas, as you say it's time for family.

Nodecaffallowed · 14/09/2025 22:56

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

ShrankLastWinter · 14/09/2025 22:56

Have a lovely time with whoever decides to accept your kind invitation!

ohcomeonreally · 14/09/2025 22:57

As the reality of their choice dawns on them, I guarantee they'll change their mind and you'll see a nuclear strop when you tell them their bed has been made.

Christmas Day invites where other people are doing all the work are to be reciprocated, not spurned!

They've lost the run of themselves and seem to think they're entitled to be hosted by you every year. Things change.

In a few years your DD and her grateful husband will be asking you to theirs, keen for beloved GPs to share little one's first proper Christmas...

ThisGreenUnpleasantLand · 14/09/2025 23:03

Who died and made them office in charge - Christmas and since when was Christmas only for family. Peace and goodwill to all men and all that stuff.

MyDBro and his wife have a houseful of people they have collected as they have gone through life and Christmas at theirs is always an absolute blast.

I would bet my bra strap they will change their minds or they won't get a 'better' offer and come crawling back but by then the beds will all be allocated won't they? 😉

FloofyKat · 14/09/2025 23:11

Your plans sound lovely and very inclusive. Your PiLs sound self-centred and unkind.
Go ahead with your arrangements. With any luck, your PILs won’t come and leave you all to have a happy time!

user1492757084 · 14/09/2025 23:23

The only people DH can be upset about are his parents.
They are petty to turn down the invitation to Christmas.

Just respond by telling PIL that the invitation stays open. Should they change their minds you will all be very happy to see them.

End of.
You are generous and your plans sound normal

KnitFastDieWarm · 14/09/2025 23:31

Gremlins101 · 14/09/2025 21:50

Growing up we used to have 16 to 10 people ish for Xmas dinner because my mum always felt to need to cook for "waifs and straifs" she called them 😅 i agree that noone should be left lonely at Xmas

The first time my parents didn't have any kids and grandkids for Xmas and their friends were occupied elsewhere, they didn't get in a strop about it, they wangled an invite to someone else's Xmas day and enjoyed their friends cooking for them!

Life is about being flexible and enjoying what you can

My best friends’ parents were like this when we were growing up, and to me it’s the true sprit of christmas. I remember one year, in addition to their (large) family, they had two Chinese grad students, a very sweet but awkward man from their church, and their 80 year old next door neighbour 😁apparently everyone had a lovely time!