Comments because I don’t drive

[Waolom]

I’m 28. I don’t drive. I have no children. I do not mind the fact that I can’t drive one single bit. I enjoy sitting on public transport and switching off, listening to my music, I never ask anyone for a lift or to take me xyz place. In short, my inability to drive affects absolutely nobody but myself and I’m happy.

So why on earth do (some) drivers make it such a big deal and make comments when people can’t drive? I don’t ever ask for lifts so it just frustrates me when people comment on it as if I’m putting them out. I’m not.
AIBU to be fed up of these comments?

I'm a non driver. A few people have actually been rather abusive about me not driving. I did learn and pass my test but I am absolutely rubbish at it, so that is why I don't drive. It turns out that I have autism and ADHD, so I think it is poor special awareness and executive functioning that makes me a bad driver.

But I DO live in a large city!

I chose to live in a city with excellent transport links BECAUSE I don't drive!

The places I want to go to can all be accessed by public transport. There is nowhere you could name that I couldn't get to without me being the driver. NOWHERE.

How will YOU get about and do all the things you claim I can't when you no longer drive?

Surely it’s very unusual to be having a conversation where this even comes up?

I personally have never met a non-driver who didn’t expect lifts or for plans to revolve around their choice not to drive. I assume that’s because it never comes up with the non-drivers who are independent.

I didn't drive until much later than most... and yeah, the comments were annoying.

To be fair, in my case - they were mostly when other people were driving me around. Which is a bit more justified than you. But it still annoyed me, because I never made plans that required driving - because I couldn't drive. What would happen was that other people would make plans that required driving, "lets go to here" and then get annoyed that I couldn't share/do the driving.

Now that I do drive, I do see their frustration - driving is tiring, and even if it is something you choose, and you are not being forced to do it, tiredness comes out as frustration at points.

For others though it is just that people like to feel superior and enjoy any way of pushing other people bellow them with snarky comments.

Having sat in with some extremely nervous drivers (one of my friends regularly announced while driving how terrified she was so now we consistently driver her places instead because it’s terrifying being in a car with her!), I’d say if people live in places with good public transport they don’t need to drive and it’s safer for the rest of us if they don’t! I know you say you don’t ask for lifts but if you do sometimes so what, if you were a driver it’s helping the environment to car share anyhoo!

Yep, this. People do that head tilt and act incredulous.

I can drive; I'm a very good driver. I passed my test first attempt and drove very successfully. Unfortunately, I then developed uncontrolled epilepsy so my driving days are over until further notice.

Generally as we all know people who don’t drive but expect lifts everywhere.

I don't drive. Failed my theory, very hungover at 18 and never booked it again.

I physically couldn't drive now anyway. I'd be a liability. I get taxis if DP is not with me. I'd never expect a lift. Sometimes people offer

I live in Germany and being the home of the car, people find it entirely nuts that I don’t drive. I am in my fifties and can’t and have no desire to. All the drivers I know, which is everyone I know literally drive to a shop 300m away. It’s ludicrous.

The only person who ever drives me anywhere is my DH and he likes driving and doesn’t care.

I don’t understand how it comes up in conversation though really. I certainly don’t mention it.

If you live somewhere with public transport and can afford taxis on the occasions when public transport isn’t available, then of course it’s no-one else’s business.

The problem is there are non drivers who think that a contribution toward petrol money is enough to buy them lifts when they need them, and have an expectation that if someone is going their way they should be offered a lift.

Out of interest, what about occasions such as weddings, where the location isn’t accessible except by private transport? How do you manage those?

I don't know anyone who can't drive. I also don't know anyone who drives to work. I would say that's the norm in London.

Mumsnet is so weird about non drivers having lifts off people. Doesn't matter if they pay petrol, doesn't matter if they're going your way anyway - non drivers getting a lift is bad. Baffles me.

Meanwhile, in the real world, back when I was driving I spent a year giving someone a lift to work because she worked next door to me and couldn't drive. It was only a 5 minute diversion to go pick her up, I was going in that direction anyway - it didn't seem very kind to be like "no, get the bus" or "no, learn to drive".

I guess I earned some good karma because my friends always offer lifts nowadays.

I am 51 and currently learning, been having lessons for nearly three years. It's my third attempt at various times of my life.

I would like to now as my children are approaching teenage years and I don't want it all to fall on DH.

I walk everywhere, or uber. Quite happy with that. Have always managed.

I find it shocking that people (not friends) might have an opinion about it. It's none of their business. I too have been asked kid pick up favours, not by anyone I owe them to, and they seem genuinely aghast that I can't help!

On rare occasions - (proper) friends have helped with our kid pick ups. I always buy a present or babysit or do something quite big in return. And am massively appreciative. That, and that DH has looming party / night out / teenage pick ups, is making me want to learn. Was London for years, not an issue then obvs.

Lots of us don't see it as a life skill. Cars are dangerous, horrible things. They scare me. Too many tragedies. I don't want to be in a position where I am responsible for one of those tragedies. In truth, I find it a little bit odd that other people get in their cars every day and don't think about that. And that they miss out on walking and taking a breath. I definitely think, wow, that's a bit lazy, you could have walked that. I guess we all judge each other.

Everyone seems to think it's easy too. It's not. It's so hard to learn, even on an automatic, and I'm sure people definitely judge that it's taking me so long!

I don't drive. The only people who give me grief are the ones who chose to live in daft inaccessible places who I won't visit. In the reverse of a PP, I consider it was their lifestyle choice to limit their social lives by living somewhere so antisocial. They can drive into town for coffee like a normal person and I'll get the bus to meet them.

Assuming you are female, there will be instances where some people will feel obliged to offer you a lift home, especially if it is late, or dark.
It is also limiting depending on where you live.
Some areas are very limiting in public transport.
Of course, there is always an uber!

It gets worse, the judgement.
I haven't got the coordination for driving, people think I'm a freak. the football mams I never ask for a lift from anyone.
I own the family car. Just can't drive it. Dh drives.

Assuming you are female, there will be instances where some people will feel obliged to offer you a lift home, especially if it is late, or dark.

Two things on this:

1. It's their choice to offer a lift or not - if they offer a lift but feel annoyed about that it's their responsibility, not the person they gave a lift to. Don't offer if you're then going to complain about it.

2. I don't understand how this is a bad thing? I would and have offered lifts home in various circumstances - it's dark, it's raining, I'm going that way and don't mind.

I suspect they are projecting. They have a non-driver in their life who is a massive pain/demands lifts and help all the time but who they can't question or argue with so they hear you are a non driver and all their frustrations and resentment to that other person gets expressed to you as a "safe" target who won't ostracise them from their family for daring to question.

I passed my test aged 17. So did my young adult children. I still don’t get the obsession with other people driving. If others don’t demand lifts, who cares? It’s such an odd thing to judge people on. I don’t see it irl, MN taught me that this was a ‘thing’ for some.

It's fine, OP.
I'm 46 and therefore think screw them all what they think (I didn't think like this until 42).
I don't drive due to a severe short-sightedness and there aren't any kids in my long happy marriage.
So fucking what?
😄

To the non drivers..can I ask how you manage your life so that you can go to the gym before work on an industrial estate, go up B&Q and get X bulky item, use your lunch hour to pick up a prescription from CAMHS (you have to go.in person) and take it to several pharmacies until you find one that has stock, take child a to football and child b to rugby twenty minutes drive apart, get to the other side of town after work before shop closes at 6?

I'm not being snarky but that's typical day for me that would be impossible without a car. Everything is within three miles but it would take far too long to walk or even cycle to get it all done. I can only assume that you just don't organise things so only one child does a hobby that day, get things delivered or something but CAMHS isn't open on weekends. Obviously that's just one example but I really can't see how my life would "work" without major infrastructure changes from scratch.

I’m surprised it’s brought up so often. I didn’t pass my test until i was 36, and that was only due to having children. If you’re happy without that’s fine.

This.

And this.
My issue with non-drivers is they never acknowledge how they are limiting others.

My dh just avoided driving until he met me and when he reached the point of needing to learn it was painful as he was in his 30s (so harder)
I had to push this somewhat because he sort of (via thoughtlessness) just expected me to be the designated driver so I had to really spell out what that meant for me for him to get it.
I didnt drive regularly until I was 35 or so but it was still very useful before then.

Its a basic life skill and limits your life choices if you dont have it.... on that basis i think its a poor life choice and so do "judge it "somewhat unless there's a valid reason. Equally, if it didnt impact me I wouldnt be that bothered...

Just ignore it, if you can get around happily there is no issue. I only got my license because I moved to a village and realised how difficult it was to get my eldest to school (6 yr old) so felt it was probably necessary to start driving. I wouldn't have bothered otherwise as we got about just fine so just ignore others.

I am not able to drive due to epilepsy & other disabilities.
I live rurally - it is a challenge but I'm very resilient & resourceful.

I think some car drivers feel threatened by that because they are so reliant on their cars & literally would not be able to function without it. It's easier to criticize non-drivers than to accept your own weakness.