To be angry with DH for not coming home?

[Coffeeoftheworld]

DH is on a 3 week work trip in Australia, he’s been out there for a week and has 2 more weeks to go. Our DD was admitted to hospital on Friday and DH is refusing to come home to see DD in hospital. He is just saying he “can’t abandon work” and that his boss will be “unhappy” with him if he comes home early. AIBU to he angry with DH for not coming home? DD is asking for him in hospital too and is really ill. I travel for work too sometimes but I would absolutely come home immediately if DD had been taken in to hospital whilst I was away, no matter how unhappy my boss would be with me for coming home. The most that DH has said is to send him “updates” on how DD gets on in hospital. I feel like he doesn’t care about her, he’s always been such a good husband and such a good dad but this makes me feel like he doesn’t care. He also won’t FaceTime her because of “the time difference” between the UK and Australia!

And what will this do?
How will airing your dirty laundry which most people will not care about improve the situation?
As I said before some of you need to seriously grow up

My DH travelled to Australia for work reasons (and China and Singapore, lucky devil), he was away for 19 days. He FaceTimed DS and I daily, getting up early to do it. And my DS wasn't even ill in hospital...

I wouldn't be accepting this. Not flying back is one thing, but refusing to contact his hospitalised daughter who's asking for him..?! I mean, WTF. I couldn't forgive that.

The refusal to at least communicate would end the relationship for me and that's the only update I would be giving him.

Why does it need to be this. Humans are not perfect and hes obviously doing it because the op is nagging and pestering him and he's stressed.
My rule or thumb for divorce is this. Minus violence of course if you won't go no contact with your parents for doing something like this you shouldnt divorce your husband

@Hadmysay or he could be doing it because he is shit! He is refusing to speak to his DD, doesn't matter how annoyed he maybe with OP he shouldn't be taking out on his DD. Bet he is going to be eating in the next 4 days, he could communicate with DD then, even just for a few minutes whilst he munches on a sandwich.

As I said ops nagging him and stressing him out and bombarding him with messages. Yes he should keep in contact but this is the reason for it.

When your "D"H messaged you last night to say he was going NC for two days, a number of us suggested you don't reply to that message (or, indeed, message him again for several more days). Did you reply? Have you sent him many more messages? I'm trying to understand his comment here "Can't keep getting distracted ..." which sounds rather brutal.

I meant OP who said the project would lose £100k a day if she wasn't there.

When he comes back you need to discuss how you are going to manage your child who sounds like she has a chronic illness and is in and out of hospital and 2 parents with demanding careers. It is not possible. One of you maybe both need to spend more time with the children. I have worked in hospitals and don’t think everything must stop just because someone goes in hospital. People on dialysis are in and out all the time, it really depends on whether or not the illness is life threatening and it doesn’t sound as though this is as the OP sounds more pissed off with her husband than anxious about her child. Someone needs to factor more parenting in to the lifestyle though maybe both parents. This does sound like this particular admission was bad timing though and the OP married a bloke with a demanding job where things can’t just be cancelled. There is sounding like there is little mutual love support and affection between the parents just a lot of angst and power play in a “you must do this” “ well I won’t “ sort of game

😮
This and your post at 10:04, honestly my jaw literally dropped reading them.

He doesn't give a flying fuck about those he's supposed to hold most dear does he? I'm so sorry
@Coffeeoftheworld that he's let you and your children down so badly

Tell him he’s going to have to think about how he does his share of parenting if you get divorced- tell him this complete lack of care of support at a serious moment for your family is making you wonder what’s the point of him as a husband.

Personally, if your circumstances are that he earns less and offers no support, love or care in difficult times, I’m wondering what’s the point of him in your life. Get rid of him and get a good nanny?

Well that’s what I said. If her salary is higher than his, he must be a lower AD which means they absolutely can survive without him.

No there is absolutely no reason for this at all. There is no justification for it at all.

Plus the OP is trying to be in hospital with one child, sort out her job and sort out childcare for her other child. A certain amount of messaging is required

there are NO excuses for failing to call your daughter at all whilst she is in hospital

But there is a reason. There's a difference between a reason and a justification.
If you want to carry on with your head in the clouds and think that nagging and pestering your husband's constantly irrationally over things that as a grown woman you should be able to handle and can handle that's on you but it won't be good for you,your husband or your kids.

Being a divorced parent is rarely better than being a married one when it comes to sharing child care particularly for women. The relationship is the important thing here. I am not getting any sense that either parent loves and cares for the other. It’s just power battles and children as pawns

What? It isn’t about what I (and the OP) can or can’t handle as you say a grown woman. But that I am married and in a partnership and if my DH (he absolutely definitely wouldn’t) decided he would go no contact over this it would be the end. Of course I could handle it by myself but if I had to

and again it is his daughter who wants to speak to her father there is no excuse orneason for that

he is clearly quite a low level director who is trying to make a name for himself and prioritising that above all else

You dont know that ghe OPs husband could come home easily either Assumptions there

However the lack of calls etc is shit

His priorities are not in the right order.

I think unless it’s life threatening, you should shut down communication completely. TBH he’s requested it! Use this time to focus on your children, do the amazing job you always do because your priorities are in the right order.

think about your future with him at a later date. Don’t waste any precious energy on him x

you need to think about if you want to stay in this marriage-does he bring anything

hes just not bothered-and what if your friend cant look after your other child does he even care

Following his own logic, OP, based on the messages you quoted in your last two updates, he needs to FaceTime his sick daughter at the first possible opportunity (his next short break that's at a time when she can take a call) and hear for himself how she is doing. That will either set his mind at ease so he can work without distractions like he wants or convince him he needs to take more serious action. Then he can decide if he will tell her he will be out of touch for four days. I would make it clear that this is non-negotiable; don't just ask him to do it.

I would normally say absolutely DO NOT contact his boss directly, but if he is still refusing to communicate with his daughter after you reiterate again the need for a single short call, it might be prudent to carefully and discreetly check in with his boss or someone responsible for his worksite just to make sure he is actually there, is not being controlled (or having his communication devices controlled) by someone else, and has not had some kind of psychotic break or similar. (If you think there's a possibility of drug abuse, use your judgement as there could be unintended consequences to that being discovered by his company).

Is he particularly tech savvy, or are you? Another possibility here is that he is in a location where FaceTime is banned and so restricted it's impossible to access securely even with a VPN of foreign hotspot and he hasn't the wit to suggest a voice call with your daughter instead.

Even if op is messaging him “nagging” him stressing him out.

Do you not think maybe the op is stressed with a DD in hospital, missing her toddler DD while relying on a friends to look after her who let’s face it could suddenly have something come up while also knowing she’s letting her own job down and putting it at risk.

All while the Dh just works. Like life never changed when he became a dad. It is gets too stressful he can just shut it off. Because mums the default.

The bar is so so so low in some of these cases. Bet it’s never nagging when his boss is messaging or emailing. That’s work. Well being a dad is parenting. That doesn’t mean shut off fuck off for 4 days because you cnba. Not bother to speak to you child
more than twice in a week who’s in hospital. Not ignore your family who are also clearly concerned more than you but not close enough to help.

but oh well his just a mere man nagged to death by his wife who’s carrying 100% of the load and the higher earner. Poor chap.

Yeah fuck him.

I work in a similar industry. The director on shoots can make 10-minute calls. And would arguably prioritise it to get some peace of mind in order to be able to focus.

Telling you he can’t even reply to a text for 4 days is complete bullshit.

I would seriously think about whether you want to be in a relationship with such a selfish man and useless father.

Assumptions are based on the information from the OP. I’m answering those in good faith otherwise what’s the point in responding at all?

But surely as the parent staying in the country she knew that this was a very possible situation, even if he child wasn’t in hospital with a chronic condition ( which the child has been hospitalised for before) and a toddler in nursery she must have known that there was a dam good chance she’d have to be the parent taking time off work while her DH was working at the other side of the world if one or more of the children were unwell.

And no, it’s not life or death, OP has said her dd will be coming out in about a week, it’s just not a nice situation but her child is not critical, op has stated this.

A week is a pretty serious hospital stay. You can barely get them to admit you these days let alone keep you overnight.

You could just as easily say that he should be aware, having a child with chronic illness, that a trip overseas might be interrupted.

At that point you never stated his work, my comment was based on him working in a uk company needing someone to do 3 weeks work at the other side of the world. However I still stand by my position. I’m assuming as a director on a “Hollywood” project the project would involve studios, actors, producers, costume, makeup and much much more. Work like this is, to my understanding, not something that can be easily rearranged and there is a very clear hierarchy that dictates the schedule and given he’s probably very low on the rung given he’s not the main director then I can understand why it wouldn’t be so easy to leave

Even without this particular work situation YABU to expect him to rush home when your DD is being taken care of and her situation is not critical.

i understand you have taken time of work, but as the parent staying in the country you must have known that if any of the children were ill you would be the one needing to take time off work to care for them. Also given you DD has a chronic condition, which she has been hospitalised for before as well as a toddler in nursery ( they are always being sent home for some reason or another) you must have known that there was a good chance something could happen. If that hadn’t crossed your mind I’d be worried about what kind of project your in charge of.

However none of that also changes my original position that he is really out of order for the lack of FaceTiming and contact with your dd. In your position I certainly wouldn’t be updating him, he’d get one message telling him he’s a fucking selfish shit father for not talking to his sick child in hospital or not and not to expect a warm welcoming when he gets home.