Page 34 | To be angry with DH for not coming home?

Coffeeoftheworld · 2025-09-14T13:52:29+00:00

DH is on a 3 week work trip in Australia, he’s been out there for a week and has 2 more weeks to go. Our DD was admitted to hospital on Friday and DH is refusing to come home to see DD in hospital. He is just saying he “can’t abandon work” and that his boss will be “unhappy” with him if he comes home early. AIBU to he angry with DH for not coming home? DD is asking for him in hospital too and is really ill. I travel for work too sometimes but I would absolutely come home immediately if DD had been taken in to hospital whilst I was away, no matter how unhappy my boss would be with me for coming home. The most that DH has said is to send him “updates” on how DD gets on in hospital. I feel like he doesn’t care about her, he’s always been such a good husband and such a good dad but this makes me feel like he doesn’t care. He also won’t FaceTime her because of “the time difference” between the UK and Australia!

BasicBrumble · 15/09/2025 12:30

Going from 2 days to 4 days without response feels like he is punishing you for questioning him.

I can also understand why he can't come back, but not why he won't facetime his daughter. I would make plans to leave (easily said I know).

sittingonabeach · 15/09/2025 12:33

@Outside9 how many nurseries do you know do overnights? Hospital stays don't equate to working hours

Huhuhuhu39272 · 15/09/2025 12:37

I would leave a man for this

Unless his job is so important he can’t

Grecianrainbow · 15/09/2025 12:37

I don’t think there would be a way forward in my marriage if I was getting those messages. Clearly at the hospital your DD is your priority but I’d be making plans to leave when this crisis is over. The love would be gone.

Velvian · 15/09/2025 12:44

It's not just the fact that he won't come home @Coffeeoftheworld , it's his attitude and communication with you.

How awful. Im sorry you are going through this OP. Do you have any family that can swap with you so you can see your 3YO?

PinkyFlamingo · 15/09/2025 12:45

Coffeeoftheworld · 15/09/2025 10:04

”it’s going to be 4 days now that I can’t answer messages for and not 2 days. But send me updates on DD over the next 4 days and I’ll read them but won’t be able to reply at all for 4 days. Busy with work and need to concentrate and rest. Can’t keep getting distracted, there’s more important things here when you are all the way back in the UK”

DH has just sent me that! I’m livid! I’m fuming! He just doesn’t care!

Oh that's bad. Of course he can reply to messages, he just doesn't want to.

PinkyFlamingo · 15/09/2025 12:47

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I've reported your post for troll hunting.

Crunchymum · 15/09/2025 12:49

Coffeeoftheworld · 15/09/2025 10:04

”it’s going to be 4 days now that I can’t answer messages for and not 2 days. But send me updates on DD over the next 4 days and I’ll read them but won’t be able to reply at all for 4 days. Busy with work and need to concentrate and rest. Can’t keep getting distracted, there’s more important things here when you are all the way back in the UK”

DH has just sent me that! I’m livid! I’m fuming! He just doesn’t care!

Lordy!

There really is no coming back from that. I've refrained from posting thus far but this is just callous.

If it were me, my DH would be coming home to a divorce.

FlyingUnicornWings · 15/09/2025 12:53

sittingonabeach · 15/09/2025 11:30

Do film productions only have one director? Don't they have people below them? What happens if a director is ill? If their wife or child was seriously ill what happens? Are there usually more than one location shoot at a time?

They do only have one director, yes. They have assistant directors, but they aren’t the same role. The director would have been working on this movie for months, if not years before the shoot. They’ll continue to work after on post production too - editing, sound design, score, grade etc. It’s not just the shoot. Effectively the director is the most important person on set, they have full creative control and will have prepped for all the shots, right down to camera placement and lighting. It’s not just about telling the actors what to do on set. Film production is a complex and unique work, involving so many moving parts and people. It can take years for a film to go from idea to the screen and the director is head of this. He won’t be able to leave set. My wonder is why OP didn’t already know this. If he’s Hollywood level, this won’t have been her first rodeo with him being on set…

Edited to add: big Hollywood studios would have insurance if anything happened to the director, but the whole production being shut down would cost millions (film budgets run into the tens of millions if not more) and the director probably wouldn’t work again, shit as that is.

Heronwatcher · 15/09/2025 12:56

“Hi H. You are behaving like a selfish dick. Your daughter is ill. I am breaking my back to keep her happy and keep this family together. Your choice not to fly home- I don’t agree with it but will wear it this time- but I am warning you, if you don’t make time to FaceTime her at least twice a day and otherwise keep in contact with her, you’ll be coming home to locks changed and papers from a solicitor regarding a divorce. I will not facilitate you behaving like this so I will not be providing any updates. I can only hope you’re experiencing some kind of mini breakdown, because this is not the behaviour of a decent person, let alone a father.”

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 15/09/2025 12:56

Only read OP posts.

Given his job I can (kind of) understand him not coming back given the potential impact on the film production and therefore his career. It's not that good job is more important than yours but he's on the other side of the world and you're not. My response would be the same if it was you in Australia. Pretty sure I'd be on the first flight home but I can understand his perspective.

What is absolutely unforgivable though is his refusal to facetime your DD who is asking for him. And his bullshit messages asking for updates but being too busy to respond. I'm afraid my response would be "if you're too busy to be able to take a couple of minutes to keep in touch with your stressed wife and sick daughter I'm too busy looking after her and her sister with no help to give you any updates. And if we're so low on your list of priorities that we don't even warrant a quick call or text honestly don't bother coming back. I'm not joking"

Bagsintheboot · 15/09/2025 12:56

Velvian · 15/09/2025 12:44

It's not just the fact that he won't come home @Coffeeoftheworld , it's his attitude and communication with you.

How awful. Im sorry you are going through this OP. Do you have any family that can swap with you so you can see your 3YO?

We don't know his side of the story.

We don't know what attitude and communication OP is taking with him.

We don't know how the conversation started and escalated.

For all we know, H was trying to calm down OP from a long distance but OP has interpreted this and his refusal to come home as uncaring, the argument has escalated, OP is messaging / calling him tens of times a day unnecessarily, and he's decided he needs to try and put some boundaries and expectations in place.

Rosscameasdoody · 15/09/2025 12:59

FlyingUnicornWings · 15/09/2025 12:53

They do only have one director, yes. They have assistant directors, but they aren’t the same role. The director would have been working on this movie for months, if not years before the shoot. They’ll continue to work after on post production too - editing, sound design, score, grade etc. It’s not just the shoot. Effectively the director is the most important person on set, they have full creative control and will have prepped for all the shots, right down to camera placement and lighting. It’s not just about telling the actors what to do on set. Film production is a complex and unique work, involving so many moving parts and people. It can take years for a film to go from idea to the screen and the director is head of this. He won’t be able to leave set. My wonder is why OP didn’t already know this. If he’s Hollywood level, this won’t have been her first rodeo with him being on set…

Edited to add: big Hollywood studios would have insurance if anything happened to the director, but the whole production being shut down would cost millions (film budgets run into the tens of millions if not more) and the director probably wouldn’t work again, shit as that is.

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This. If OP is bombarding him with calls when he’s trying to work, it’s not surprising that he’s put some boundaries in. The fact that some posters have insinuated that there’s another woman just proves that they have no idea of the kind of commitment this kind of work demands. If this was a life threatening situation I could well understand OP wanting her DH to come home and I would hope there would be a facility for this. But by the sound of things it’s an ongoing known health condition and she’ll be hospital for a few days to a week. Totally unreasonable to expect him to get on a plane and fly half way around the world, lose his job as a result and effectively be blacklisted within the industry as a result.

Tiswa · 15/09/2025 13:05

You need to just block him for the time being OP and focus on you and the children and discuss when he is back

and I suspect he isn’t the only director on site! Because he isn’t the primary director on a Hollywood movie set

thepariscrimefiles · 15/09/2025 13:14

Rosscameasdoody · 15/09/2025 12:59

This. If OP is bombarding him with calls when he’s trying to work, it’s not surprising that he’s put some boundaries in. The fact that some posters have insinuated that there’s another woman just proves that they have no idea of the kind of commitment this kind of work demands. If this was a life threatening situation I could well understand OP wanting her DH to come home and I would hope there would be a facility for this. But by the sound of things it’s an ongoing known health condition and she’ll be hospital for a few days to a week. Totally unreasonable to expect him to get on a plane and fly half way around the world, lose his job as a result and effectively be blacklisted within the industry as a result.

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OP is more likely to 'bombard' him with messages because he has refused to message or speak to her about their daughter. You are normally such a kind and empathetic poster so I am surprised that you are supporting the DH.

OP is also in a high powered, high earning job and she had taken time off. I can understand him not flying back but to basically cut off communication with his wife and his poorly daughter is unkind and unreasonable. Even if the illness is not life threatening, her daughter could still be in pain and frightened. She has been asking for her dad and he refuses to even speak to her. I'm not sure why anyone would support what he is doing.

NotAMessiahJustAVeryNaughtyBoy · 15/09/2025 13:17

YANBU to think he should at least FaceTime!

IOSTT · 15/09/2025 13:19

“Can’t keep getting distracted, there’s more important things here”

Sadly I think that is all you need to know about your H, Op. You and your DDs are learning that he has other priorities.

beAsensible1 · 15/09/2025 13:23

Rosscameasdoody · 15/09/2025 12:59

This. If OP is bombarding him with calls when he’s trying to work, it’s not surprising that he’s put some boundaries in. The fact that some posters have insinuated that there’s another woman just proves that they have no idea of the kind of commitment this kind of work demands. If this was a life threatening situation I could well understand OP wanting her DH to come home and I would hope there would be a facility for this. But by the sound of things it’s an ongoing known health condition and she’ll be hospital for a few days to a week. Totally unreasonable to expect him to get on a plane and fly half way around the world, lose his job as a result and effectively be blacklisted within the industry as a result.

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I’m inclined to agree as she keeps insisting on here that he should come home. It sounds like communication has broken down completely.

he’s still a twat for not sending a voice or video note for DD.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 15/09/2025 13:29

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The project is incredibly poorly managed if one person's absence would cost that much money.

KiwiFall · 15/09/2025 13:35

It sounds like both of you having these high powered jobs with a chronically ill child isn’t working also on top of a small toddler. If as you say you cannot get a nanny then you need to both sit down and sort this out and work out the plan going forward for not only future hospital admissions for your eldest but any contingency plans for your 3 year old in the future. It’s not fair on either of you let alone the children.

Rosscameasdoody · 15/09/2025 13:37

thepariscrimefiles · 15/09/2025 13:14

OP is more likely to 'bombard' him with messages because he has refused to message or speak to her about their daughter. You are normally such a kind and empathetic poster so I am surprised that you are supporting the DH.

OP is also in a high powered, high earning job and she had taken time off. I can understand him not flying back but to basically cut off communication with his wife and his poorly daughter is unkind and unreasonable. Even if the illness is not life threatening, her daughter could still be in pain and frightened. She has been asking for her dad and he refuses to even speak to her. I'm not sure why anyone would support what he is doing.

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The focus of her posts on here is trying to get him to come home though, and if that’s what she’s constantly messaging to her DH, and it’s not something that he can easily do, how else can he concentrate on his work other than put in some boundaries about contact. I’m trying to see both points of view but given what’s been posted about the nature of his work, it’s very difficult to see how him leaving work and flying back is reasonable given that it may have a serious impact on his career. If the situation was life threatening then yes, but DD is expected to be home in a few days.

I get that OP is having to shoulder all of the responsibility but if this is the nature of his work I’m not really understanding why they don’t have a plan in place - especially if this is an ongoing long term illness. I’ve just seen that OP now says he will now be out of contact for four days, not two, which I think is unconscionable if it really is for the reasons he says. I agree that he should be making the effort to speak to his daughter, who clearly is missing him, and asking for him. But as always, with MN we only get one side of a story and we don’t know what kind of work pressure he is under. It all seems a bit chaotic, and we even have posters telling OP he’s out of contact because of another woman. As if she doesn’t have enough to worry about.

TheSwarm · 15/09/2025 13:38

A father refusing to even speak to his own child in hospital for 5 minutes would be a relationship ender for me.

I would be speaking to a divorce lawyer.

Rosscameasdoody · 15/09/2025 13:39

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 15/09/2025 13:29

The project is incredibly poorly managed if one person's absence would cost that much money.

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These things are planned well in advance. They may well be able to get hold of another director in his absence, but the likelihood is that if he does this, he’s going to find it difficult if not impossible to get work in the industry again.

DoubtfulCat · 15/09/2025 13:45

Coffeeoftheworld · 15/09/2025 10:04

”it’s going to be 4 days now that I can’t answer messages for and not 2 days. But send me updates on DD over the next 4 days and I’ll read them but won’t be able to reply at all for 4 days. Busy with work and need to concentrate and rest. Can’t keep getting distracted, there’s more important things here when you are all the way back in the UK”

DH has just sent me that! I’m livid! I’m fuming! He just doesn’t care!

I think this series of messages would be game over for me. No way would I be bothering to update him on anything, and I would also be speaking to solicitors about divorce. What an unfeeling, callous knob.

WaltzingWaters · 15/09/2025 13:47

The not coming home wouldn’t particularly bother me unless DD was in critical condition. But the lack of wanting to FaceTime, and the messages he’s sent about not even being able to reply to you would literally have me filing for divorce. I wouldn’t send him ANYTHING further until he bothers to ask how his Dd is and speak to her. Selfish prick.