Page 35 | To be angry with DH for not coming home?

Coffeeoftheworld · 2025-09-14T13:52:29+00:00

DH is on a 3 week work trip in Australia, he’s been out there for a week and has 2 more weeks to go. Our DD was admitted to hospital on Friday and DH is refusing to come home to see DD in hospital. He is just saying he “can’t abandon work” and that his boss will be “unhappy” with him if he comes home early. AIBU to he angry with DH for not coming home? DD is asking for him in hospital too and is really ill. I travel for work too sometimes but I would absolutely come home immediately if DD had been taken in to hospital whilst I was away, no matter how unhappy my boss would be with me for coming home. The most that DH has said is to send him “updates” on how DD gets on in hospital. I feel like he doesn’t care about her, he’s always been such a good husband and such a good dad but this makes me feel like he doesn’t care. He also won’t FaceTime her because of “the time difference” between the UK and Australia!

CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone · 15/09/2025 14:06

MaurineWayBack · 15/09/2025 11:49

But surely, the OP boss can say the same right?
If they can’t find someone to replace her, it’s going to cost £100k per day to the company. Not a small amount of money.

So why is it that his work is taking precedence he can’t possibly leave because cost but she can?
Ha yes! She’s the MOTHER! I forgot about that important details. Mothers are replaceable at work but fathers aren’t and anyway there’ll a mother to deal with all of it so no need! Silly me….

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If they can’t find someone to replace her, it’s going to cost £100k per day to the company

That daily burn rate means OP is in charge of a £25-50 million project and there will be about 100 people on the project (at £1k/day)

There is no way that project is running without an overall plan, and there will be multiple teams within that, each of which will have at least a 3 month prioritised list of stuff to do.

I can guarantee she's not a SPOF and pretty certain she's not the one to whom everybody runs with minute questions.

She may be correct that if the project paused it'd be burning money but it's not going to because of her absence for a couple of weeks.

A 3-4 week location shoot OTOH probably can get badly disrupted by many things with little to no time to recover...

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/09/2025 14:06

Outside9 · 15/09/2025 12:20

If both parents work then there would / should be childcare arrangements already in place.

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That’s what I said

who usually had the 3yr - I’m guessing nursery if no nanny /cm

and who takes /picks up dd from school

to both be high up /earning lots /busy work lives :careers etc needs to be good childcare in place

sittingonabeach · 15/09/2025 14:22

@Blondeshavemorefun but childcare very rarely involves evenings/nights which will be involved if your child is in hospital? Parents are expected to be hands on when your child is in hospital

CabbageWater · 15/09/2025 14:23

Coffeeoftheworld · 14/09/2025 22:07

Now he’s just messaged me to say he can’t even reply to messages over the next 2 days because he’s “going to be extremely busy with work over the next 48 hours but still text me updates so that I can read them and see how DD is but I won’t be able to reply to them for the next 2 days but I can read them”!

So he keeps on sending messages saying he can't send messages. I'm sorry but he is being horrible and it makes me really suspicious of him. It's like he's actively winding you up. I would completely grey rock him, give him zero updates (he can call the hospital if he wants them) and I would try and keep your daughter happy and feeling loved, because she needs that right now (saying that he is thinking of her, he's hoping she's OK, he loves her, he can't wait to see her, etc.)
He doesn't want to be there for who should matter the most in his life, he clearly told you who/what he cares more about, and that's on him.

Shr3dding · 15/09/2025 14:24

TheDameHelenShiteingMirren · 15/09/2025 10:41

I've worked with this man. I'd be checking his knickers when he brings his laundry home for his wife to do.

This specific man or a man of this type?

99bottlesofkombucha · 15/09/2025 14:32

CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone · 15/09/2025 14:06

If they can’t find someone to replace her, it’s going to cost £100k per day to the company

That daily burn rate means OP is in charge of a £25-50 million project and there will be about 100 people on the project (at £1k/day)

There is no way that project is running without an overall plan, and there will be multiple teams within that, each of which will have at least a 3 month prioritised list of stuff to do.

I can guarantee she's not a SPOF and pretty certain she's not the one to whom everybody runs with minute questions.

She may be correct that if the project paused it'd be burning money but it's not going to because of her absence for a couple of weeks.

A 3-4 week location shoot OTOH probably can get badly disrupted by many things with little to no time to recover...

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it can’t be badly disrupted by a 15 minute FaceTime, that’s for certain.

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/09/2025 14:42

sittingonabeach · 15/09/2025 14:22

@Blondeshavemorefun but childcare very rarely involves evenings/nights which will be involved if your child is in hospital? Parents are expected to be hands on when your child is in hospital

Yes they are but sounds like both travel so must have been times both away

most nannies /cm I know and myself , would bend over backwards and stay over etc or even go to the Hospital and give the mum a break /to see youngest

@Coffeeoftheworld went in Friday. It’s now Monday. Has she been in hospital the whole time and not see 3yr dd at all

Outside9 · 15/09/2025 14:51

sittingonabeach · 15/09/2025 12:33

@Outside9 how many nurseries do you know do overnights? Hospital stays don't equate to working hours

It's not life or death.

Hadmysay · 15/09/2025 14:51

Coffeeoftheworld · 15/09/2025 07:48

A previous poster said him leaving work would cost his company thousands, me not being able to work this week is going to cost my company thousands too as the whole project I’m working on will have to be put on hold but there’s nothing that I can do about it as I’m not leaving DD alone in hospital so why is he any different?

My work are going to have to either put my project on hold or find a way to cope without me, they’ve got no choice unfortunately.

Edited

So there we have it.
It seems like this is more to do with jealousy and resentment than logic.
I could see It from a mile off.

Hadmysay · 15/09/2025 15:00

MaurineWayBack · 15/09/2025 08:25

He is a looong way from home and it’s not easy to drop everything and fly home, he doesn’t want to risk his job and let people down

But it’s ok to put the OP’s job in jeopardy because ….. she is the mother? She is there? His job is more important than hers?
I mean, if it’s all about work etc…. then does he get a pass at not even asking his boss vs the OP who had no other choice, can’t offer to work evening/do bits and bobs around her dd etc… oh and has to rope in a FRIEND to look after their other chikd. I suppose that friend’s efforts aren’t as important as his job either…..

This is why we need to have an honest conversation about the pros and cons of marrying provider men (ironically the same men that many women strive to marry) and the affects of the capitalist society has on the family dynamic.
And whether having 2 parents going Gung ho as "career men and women" benefits the children.
I encourage people to watch this video.

Jamclag · 15/09/2025 15:00

I really don't understand why any decent, concerned father wouldn't move hell and high water to FaceTime his sick child - even if he was in the middle of a career defining project.

But I'm also presuming he's not some A list Hollywood director who might have more manoeuvering power but also huge responsibility for the production? Are we're talking first AD, 2nd, 3rd? Obviously, further down the food chain he'll have less power to negotiate his hours and film sets can be incredibly pressurized working environments where you are just expected to suck up the ridiculous hours and conditions. But on the other hand, if he is in a more junior role, the production is unlikely to fall apart without him and he should be able to grab an hour for a chat with his child. All a bit odd 🤷

TiggyTomCat · 15/09/2025 15:00

I'm a cynical person but something just isn't stacking up here. Not sure whether it OP or DP or both. It's all just a bit odd.

peachgreen · 15/09/2025 15:11

There's no way DH can be the first director on a Hollywood production and earn less than OP does, so he must be a much lower level AD in which case the production can cope without him / easily replace him.

Hadmysay · 15/09/2025 15:20

sittingonabeach · 15/09/2025 09:36

@MischiefandMayhemManaged OP is having to drop everything to look after her DD, and she is the higher earner.

Difference is she's in the uk he's across the other side of the world.
She can cope. She's a mother. And an adult.

Shr3dding · 15/09/2025 15:23

peachgreen · 15/09/2025 15:11

There's no way DH can be the first director on a Hollywood production and earn less than OP does, so he must be a much lower level AD in which case the production can cope without him / easily replace him.

How so, is a directors salary the most that any person in the world can earn?
Why can't the OP earn more than her husband?

Notquitethetruth · 15/09/2025 15:27

I havd changed my mind more than once on this thread due to drip feeding of information. Do I think he should come home, no given his job and the difficulties it will cause. Do I think he should be in regular contact with his daughters, yes of course he should.
@Coffeeoftheworld has given very little information about their relationship in general and how as parents they normally manage their daughters illness. Will probably change my mind again with the next update.

MaurineWayBack · 15/09/2025 15:36

Hadmysay · 15/09/2025 15:00

This is why we need to have an honest conversation about the pros and cons of marrying provider men (ironically the same men that many women strive to marry) and the affects of the capitalist society has on the family dynamic.
And whether having 2 parents going Gung ho as "career men and women" benefits the children.
I encourage people to watch this video.

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But he isn’t ’the provider’ if she earns more than him…..

lessglittermoremud · 15/09/2025 15:36

Coffeeoftheworld · 15/09/2025 10:06

“Oh and I won’t be calling or doing video calls. Way too much going on here for that”

And now he’s just sent me that message as well now too! I really am livid with him!!

Nice husband and father…..

sittingonabeach · 15/09/2025 15:46

@Hadmysay it's not that she can't cope, but she has had to leave her work (as the higher earner) and give her other child to someone outside the family to look after.

@Outside9 what do you mean it is not life or death. Most hospitals expect parents of young children to stay with their child

cinquanta · 15/09/2025 15:50

TiggyTomCat · 15/09/2025 15:00

I'm a cynical person but something just isn't stacking up here. Not sure whether it OP or DP or both. It's all just a bit odd.

Very odd indeed.

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 15/09/2025 15:55

Sorry OP but something here is dodgy as fuck.

Hadmysay · 15/09/2025 15:56

Coffeeoftheworld · 15/09/2025 10:04

”it’s going to be 4 days now that I can’t answer messages for and not 2 days. But send me updates on DD over the next 4 days and I’ll read them but won’t be able to reply at all for 4 days. Busy with work and need to concentrate and rest. Can’t keep getting distracted, there’s more important things here when you are all the way back in the UK”

DH has just sent me that! I’m livid! I’m fuming! He just doesn’t care!

Op he's wrong but don't you see that you are stressing the hell out of him. This is why he is pulling back from you. This is why he is doing this. Because you keep pestering and badgering him with something that he cannot change

Sirzy · 15/09/2025 16:01

Hadmysay · 15/09/2025 15:56

Op he's wrong but don't you see that you are stressing the hell out of him. This is why he is pulling back from you. This is why he is doing this. Because you keep pestering and badgering him with something that he cannot change

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He can change the level of communication.

I get why he is coming home but to hide away in his work is nothing short of selfish. If he can’t support at least via messages I would be questioning the future of the relationship.

nobody is so busy they can’t spend 10 minutes on FaceTime and send the odd message during the day

Shr3dding · 15/09/2025 16:02

Hadmysay · 15/09/2025 15:56

Op he's wrong but don't you see that you are stressing the hell out of him. This is why he is pulling back from you. This is why he is doing this. Because you keep pestering and badgering him with something that he cannot change

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Out of interest unless his phone has been confiscated or he is under 24/7 scrutiby by someone who for some reason wants to stop him contacting his family what realistic reason could there be for him not to be able to reply to messages or phone his daughter?

I literally can't think of one

FlyingUnicornWings · 15/09/2025 16:04

thepariscrimefiles · 15/09/2025 13:14

OP is more likely to 'bombard' him with messages because he has refused to message or speak to her about their daughter. You are normally such a kind and empathetic poster so I am surprised that you are supporting the DH.

OP is also in a high powered, high earning job and she had taken time off. I can understand him not flying back but to basically cut off communication with his wife and his poorly daughter is unkind and unreasonable. Even if the illness is not life threatening, her daughter could still be in pain and frightened. She has been asking for her dad and he refuses to even speak to her. I'm not sure why anyone would support what he is doing.

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I wholly don’t support what he’s doing at all. He’s a massive shit and needs to get his head out his arse and support his wife and daughter. Mr Big Shot Hollywood needs to get his priorities right, even if he cannot leave set (which he can’t, and she should know this and understand it), he can still support from afar. He’s important in his role, yes, and a lot of people and investors depending on him, yes, but he’s still a husband and father. I feel for OP and her little girl and hope she’s well again soon.