To ask opinions on IVF at 53

[DrenchSal]

I’ve been considering it

i won’t be offended with anything negative - I just want honesty

Absolutely this. My biggest fear in life is dying and leaving my children in this world with out me and I say this as someone with a wonderful partner who would be there to raise them.
I see from your other posts that you wouldn’t have anyone to raise your child should something happen to you, which given your age, could well be a possibility in their teens.
Can you imagine a young child not only having to deal with the loss of their parent but also have to move in to the care system with no other family? Can you imagine having your child being a young carer for their elderly parent should you fall ill? You only need to read threads on here by adult posters on how much of a difficult situation that can be.

These are situations you need to give serious thought to.

I’m really sorry OP, but no. I would not do this, and if anyone I knew was thinking of this I’d advise no.

That ship has sailed. There are lots of dreams we will never achieve, and this dream you have to let go. I do understand the primal urge to have children, but still no.

Find fulfilling things in your own life. New friends or travel or a hobby that turns into a new social life.

I’m the same age as you and I have teenagers. I could cope with a baby. Or a 5 year old. A toddler would be tough but I could cope for a couple of years. But my body would be wrecked by a pregnancy. And an older child and teenager in 10-20 years time - absolutely not.

At 54 I have a young dgc. Handing her back is very satisfying!

As the child of older parents I would say no. My dad was your age when I was born. Their age limited a lot of what I could do as I was growing up and then I became a nursemaid until they died. As people have said, cute babies grow up to become teenagers and young adults with their own needs. I spent far too much of my late teens/early twenties caring for my parents in a way that my contemporaries are only now having to go through in their forties. No teenager should be having to do these things if it’s avoidable. Think about the child - what support system would be in place for them should you fall ill or pass away? Yes, it can happen at any age but the older you are the more likely it is.

Absoluetely not.

At 43 yes. At 53, that ship has sailed.

I'm 47.

If a woman uses donor eggs she has a similar chance of success of the woman who’s eggs she’s using. It’s the age of the eggs that matter. Not so much the age of the woman trying to become pregnant. A lot of private UK clinics will in fact treat a woman with donor eggs up to the age of 55. (And in other countries even older. There have been reports of women giving birth at 60-70+)

I don’t think it’s a good idea however. I gave up trying at 43 as I felt too old and have had to remain childless.

Do you have any current experience of looking after small children for any length of time? Try this for a week or two. Then decide how you feel.

I loved both my children but I was in my early 30s, had a partner and supportive family nearby. I was still on my knees with exhaustion for most of the time.

I Can't think of anything worse. I much rather get a dog.
Each to their own though i suppose.

I don’t agree OP would have nothing to offer as some have said. Plenty of men have children at that age and older.

I'm not in favour of men having children in their 50s either. But one important difference is that the children will have a mother who is almost certainly considerably younger.

In this case, however, the OP would be the child's only parent and she said she has no family either. It's totally unfair to knowingly bring a child into these circumstances.

Gosh, OP. I had a much-wanted baby in my early 40's, and I'm usually the most positive voice on threads about getting pregnant post-40, but at 53, even I'm echoing the voice of caution.

I also agree with pp that you could be a wonderful candidate for fostering a child.

Thank you - I really appreciate this post ❤️💕

Good luck with whatever you decide to do ❤️💕

They won’t treat with own eggs. Most clinics will treat up to 50 or 55 with donor eggs.

I know someone who did ivf as a solo mum at 56 (abroad). She got pregnant with twins. The pregnancy was complicated and they wanted to deliver early. Planned c section. She had a stroke right after. She’s on life support now and the twins are going into foster care as soon as they’re well enough.

In a perfect world maybr but life is not as simple as that. You don't know people's circumstances.

My neighbour took this decision and chose to go ahead with IVF at an age similar to yourself. She had a successful pregancy and a beautiful son, but developed a blood cancer - a known side effect from the IVF. She died when her son was 4 yrs old and, with no family support, her son was adopted. My advice would therefore be to avoid IVF - but to strongly consider adoption. There are many children that need parents, and to be a parent you have to be able to put their needs before your own. Become a loving mother to a child that will desperately want your support and love.

No I’m financially secure and wouldn’t have to work full time

Joining the others in saying YABVU and being honest, I’d feel sorry for the child. Plenty of kids need adopting, although at your age you’d probably be more suited to a teenager

Selfish. You have no living family and want to bring a child into the world as a single parent at the grand old age of 53, potentially meaning they will need to enter the care system if you die seeing as you have no one else? If the fire burned that bright to be a parent why have you waited so long?

OP is only really responding to the 0.5% of posters who are theoretically supportive, rather than the 99.5% of posters who are pointing out the overwhelming negatives.

Twas ever thus on AIBU but, I'm out.

I think this is profoundly selfish, I’m afraid.

OP, I’m sorry, but this is incredibly selfish on your part - you’re just thinking about yourself, and not about the baby. You’re intending, at your age, to bring up a baby on your own, without so much as a father and no support network for if things go wrong. What 20 year old wants a seventy three year old mother - or are you hoping your DC will be your carer if you need one? Everyone will think (not unreasonably) that you’re the grandmother. Frankly, that ship has sailed, and you’ll be either a controlling mother, or appallingly disappointed.

What reputable clinic would allow this? My clinic's limit is 43 for using own eggs and 51 for frozen transfers.

Would you consider seeing a fertility counsellor to talk this out and discuss the practicalities to help you think things through.

The child would be starting primary school as you celebrate your 60th.

At least you'd both have free bus travel.

Someone above said kids are exhausting, mine are, particularly one who has additional needs, but many kids are pretty easy to parent. Trouble is, no one has any idea what kid they will get!
If you get that out of the box kid who is average and hits their milestones and sleeps 10 + hours a night - happy days!
I am still in my mid-40s though. Not sure how I'd feel if I was ten plus years older with 'lively' kids, particularly one who often fights going to sleep before midnight.
That's partly why having resources and a flexible job would be important.

As far as embarrassment a concerned I’d just be matter of fact with the child rather than emotional or defensive about me being older - I’d say yes I’m a much older mum than average but it’s not important how old parents are when you’re born - what matters is to have plenty of self confidence and I’ll also tell them the thing people (I) regret most in life is missed opportunities so

GRASP THOSE OPPORTUNITIES!!!

in short - I’d keep it matter of fact with the child about being a much older mum - key is - not emotional, not defensive