My husband and I struggled with “unexplained infertility” for many years before having our first baby, when I was 39. They had done all the tests and couldn’t find anything to explain why we were not getting pregnant. I do have PCOS, and don’t always ovulate every month, but they said I was ovulating frequently enough that I “should have gotten pregnant” in the time we were trying.
I was under the fertility clinic and they put me on six months of medication to “aid ovulation” (which had an increased risk of a multiple birth) and after that we’d have been looking at IVF. I fortunately managed to get pregnant on the third month of meds and had a successful pregnancy.
I was not looking forward to IVF. It is a very gruelling process, both physically and mentally. I know people who have gone through it and still be unsuccessful, sometimes after multiple rounds and it had been completely heartbreaking for them. I do have the added complication of being disabled due to having ME/CFS, which causes chronic pain and fatigue, which perhaps puts me in a better position to understand how pregnancy would impact you at your age, despite having been younger when I got pregnant.
I had so many ‘high risk’ factors during my pregnancy. I was at increased risk of gestational diabetes, preeclampsia and pre-term labour - fortunately none of which occurred, but it was a constant worry. The risk factors for my baby also came back really high at my 20 week scan, but I had the NIPT blood test done and everything came back fine. Added into the mix, I am hypermobile and suffered with dreadful SPD/PGP from as early as 7 weeks into my pregnancy, and I was agony by the end and barely able to move. (On the plus side, I didn’t get any stretch marks thanks to my faulty collagen making my skin stretchy. 😂)
Pregnancy puts a huge strain on your body. It is completely exhausting and it hurts. I struggled even with my husband’s help and the support of my parents, because there was nothing they could do to help with my pain. I was nauseous 24/7 for the first 16 weeks, and suffered with terrible acid reflux throughout my pregnancy. Those first 16 weeks were a gamble every day as to whether I’d be able to find a ‘safe food’ to eat without wanting to throw up, and it was never the same thing from one day to the next. My poor husband was popping to the shop every single day! For about a month I started to crave fried chicken (which hubby was happy about, as he loves KFC) and then I went off meat completely. My baby is now 20 months old and I still can’t eat it. I look at my husband eating a burger sometimes, or a steak or pork chop, and I think “ooh that looks/smells good”, but I can’t physically put it in my mouth. 🤢
All that to say, pregnancy is weird and it will impact you in ways you can even anticipate right now!
I have a traumatic birth experience too. I won’t go into details but after several hours of labour we were rushed for a category 1 emergency c-section. Baby was fine, but I had such a hard recovery, partly due to my age, partly due to my medical conditions, and partly due to bad luck of ending up with two post-op infections that nearly hospitalised me again. C-sections certainly are not the “easy way out” and I’d never ever opt for a planned one. They are major surgery, cutting through seven layers of your body and there are so many things that can go wrong. You have absolutely no way of telling if you’d end up needing one, and I can’t imagine at your age that you would have an easy recovery either.
I cried the day my baby was born, knowing that we’d blink and he’d be all grown up. And also because I realised, if he didn’t have his own children until the same age I’d had him (presuming he wants them!), I could be dead by then and never get to meet them. You just don’t know how long you’ll be around for. I feel like I’m going to miss so much of his life, and it does weigh on me. That said, we are trying for another (I am currently 41), as I’d love him to have a sibling to share things with when we’re no longer around. I’ve had 3 miscarriages this year though, so am currently under the fertility clinic again to see if there’s a reason why. It’s most likely my age though (my husband is 8 years younger than me, so we do have that in our favour). It’s completely heartbreaking to lose a pregnancy that is so wanted, and that’s another thing you would likely have to be prepared for.
Ultimately it’s your decision. And whether you could find someone willing to do IVF with you, at your age. But I truly feel that you most likely are too old. And it saddens me, because believe me I do understand that longing for your own child. It took us such a long time to get pregnant with ours, and I had to see so many “accidental” pregnancies popping up on my social media in the meantime. The “whoops, this wasn’t planned but hey, we’re pregnant!” posts honestly broke me every time. How was it so easy for them, without trying, when we were trying so hard, for so long, and nothing was happening? 💔 I feel so extremely lucky and grateful that I was able to have my baby eventually, but it really wasn’t easy and I was 14 years younger than you are now.
Could you perhaps look into adoption instead, or even fostering? I know you said you’re single, but there are so many children in need of loving homes. We would have gone down that route if the eventual IVF had failed (we would have had one free round on the NHS as long as I was under 40; we probably couldn’t have afforded to go private).
Whatever you decide to do, best of luck. 💖