To ask opinions on IVF at 53

[DrenchSal]

I’ve been considering it

i won’t be offended with anything negative - I just want honesty

I have to say I considered IVF as a single woman a few years ago. I have a very small family and we have since been struck with ill health, including me having cancer. If I had gone through with it I would be absolutely sick with fear about what would happen to my child if the worst happens. The thought of that is what made me change my mind at the time and I was quite a bit younger than you, I was well at the time and thinking about worst case scenarios (which have unfortunately happened). You could consider long term fostering? Or adoption?

To be really honest this on its own is reason enough. You would realistically be about 76 when the child is around 20. Also I think you are massively underestimating how difficult the baby and toddler stage can be. I had my DD at 39, which is pretty old. I am 57 now, no way I could have done it at that age. I remember talking to my sister about it too as she had 2 DC in her mid 20s and then another in her mid 30s and said the pregnancy and recovery in itself was a shock compared to with the first two, let alone the sleepless nights and stuff which are a killer for everyone but worse the older you get. I had 9 miscarriages over about 12 years and was desperate to have a baby so I really understand how you must feel but I can't emphasise enough that it isn't a good idea. What would be an amazing idea though would be to adopt an older child. My SIL is single and adopted a girl at the age of 42. She is 19 now and they have a really strong bond and although she started by having IVF she now says how glad she is she chose to stop and adopt instead because obviously she wouldn't have her amazing DD.

I wonder if this is something that you would have pursued earlier if you actually wanted to have a child. I see so many people now late 40s and early 50s with chronic illnesses. I wonder whether you are thinking about this now as they are aware that you are getting older. It would be so hard OP physically for you and so many children are neurodiverse. Just imagine if you had a boy with autism and ADHD -theywould be on the go 24 hours a day and you would have no support. It would affect your health and they would be left on their own.

Do it. It sounds like you feel ready to embrace motherhood as a single mom and that you are aware of the challenges. Your child will be loved and very wanted.

God no. Im 53 and even the thought of having a baby brings me out in hives!!!

Please, PLEASE can people stop treating adoption as some catch-all simple alternative? In reality, a great many adoptions fail (and yes, I'm saying this as I know someone with whom this happened, and all I can say is, that poor little boy), partly because even with the best will and intentions in the world, would-be parents are often simply not prepared enough and far too idealistic. This results in children being let down and rejected (again and again) and all the trauma that entails, for both them and the parent figures for whom it didn't work out.

So many people are far too idealistic about adoption, when adoption in reality is something that requires a LOT of thought and (in my experience) a LOT of experience with kids who are often troubled, have very difficult backgrounds or have special needs. Because 9 times out of 10, those are the kids who are going to require a parent figure who is already VERY experienced with kids who have special needs.

OP, please consider fostering before you ever think about adoption. It will give you a far more realistic view of what is likely to be involved.

Eh?

What would be an amazing idea though would be to adopt an older child. My SIL is single and adopted a girl at the age of 42. She is 19 now

I thought the adoptee was 42!!!!

I’m 43 and my youngest is 4. I often wish I had had my DC when I was younger. I just feel sometimes I’m too old and tired for this by now. It’s exhausting to be at their service at all times, without ever getting to sleep exactly how long you want to, deal with meltdowns etc. I absolutely would not start over with another baby even at my age. Appreciate though that someone with no DC might feel differently…

I see your point. But I guess it depends on the situation. My brother died in an accident when he was 37 so his son lost his father before he was old enough to remember him. My mum brings him up together with my SIL and my mum is nearly 80! We have plans for all of us in case of future problems because of the tragedy we went through. There are no guarantees in life.

Please don't.

It's unlikely you'd find anywhere to get it.

Your body has passed the time for gestating, birthing and nurturing a baby. It could be very dangerous for you - and the baby.

If I'd done that I'd now at 62 have a ten year old and you will be amazed how different 60 can feel from 50. The thought of an adolescent / teen waiting in the wings as I stare at 70 approaching is 😬.

Then there's the lack of a dad to add to the fact that mum would be older than a lot of their friends' grans. My dad was 42 when I was born, and it felt noticeable.

Channel those thoughts elsewhere. This is unwise.

That answers my main question there - I would only consider it with a younger partner and a lot of family support including someone able to care for the child. You would be 73 by the time the child was close to 20, plenty live that long but there's a much higher chance of not being around anymore, and even in 20s young adults benefit a lot from parental figures, especially if they are only children without siblings as potential support.

Have you looked at fostering? You could make a huge difference in children's or teenagers lives doing that, and still get that parental experience.

I know someone who did it. She was one of those scarily dynamic women who also held down a full time job which financed a nanny, and she carried on working well into her 70s. Thirty years later, she's still very much around for her daughter.

I am not mocking you but I know someone who is 44 and she is 64 , they apparently live together and have been since they met 15 years ago. He is on a spousal visa. So he said they tried for a baby when she was 49 but it was a miscarriage. Can you take on a younger man so if something happens to you, he takes on the child

Who doesn’t care? The old father or the ‘little one’ who will be a teenager?

I’m mid to late 50s OP. I’ve just had my one year old granddaughter for the weekend. Love her to bits, but she’s just left and both me and DH are utterly exhausted from it all. I can’t imagine I’d have the energy to look after a toddler 24/7. I’m quite fit, and thought it would be a breeze, but until you do it, you don’t understand how hard it is. Maybe you have a young niece or nephew you could take away for a holiday for a week to practice with?

Well my son is a teenager and his dad is 60. I guess it depends on the person. I commented above about my family.. there are no guarantees in life, although I do see your point.

I mean this kindly but 53 (potentially 54,55,56 if relying on IVF) is too old to consider having a new born.
If you genuinely feel you can give a child a good life please, please consider adopting an older child. That way you meaningfully change their life as well as yours.

Victoria Coren Mitchell turned 53 about 3 weeks ago and had her older child in 2015!! So she was actually 43 ish when her first child was born, not 53.

She did have her second child 2 years ago. She does have a husband and presumably plenty of money to pay for any help they need to help look after their children.

I can see you are grasping at all the positives and disregarding the resounding no’s so this feels pointless.

However, I think you are severely underestimating, the practical physical effects this will have on you. Babies are utterly exhausting, for a young couple let alone a single older woman. Children are also exhausting and child rearing is relentless. Teenagers are much harder work than you can ever imagine. They will live in a different world to you and they need so much time, care and energy at this point in their lives. You won’t have the energy for it.

All the things you think you can explain calmly, unemotionally to a child or teenager and they will thoughtfully understand, is just unrealistic.

I wish you well but I think you need to find a better option than this.

I have 2 children and a grandchild, I’m younger than you. Just so you know my experience of the physical and emotional energy levels required is through knowledge rather than theory.

I think the reality of the situation even if you did get pregnant and have a baby would not be what you are imagining. I had my second baby at 37 and, even with a husband and a very supportive mother I was just exhausted. The broken sleep with babies is just awful. And yes people do raise children on their own but there will be nobody to hand the baby over to when you just want some sleep or a sanity break. Babies turn into active toddlers and they are exhausting in a different way. Toilet training can be hard work. Then you have the teenage years. They are truly exhausting in a different way. What if your child was ADHD or ASD? What if you get sick? I am 61 and I have children in their twenties. The idea of having an 8 year old would fill me with horror. Now, I know it may be easy to say this given I have children but I simply can't see this being a great lifestyle for you. You would be in your mid seventies by time the child was 20 and children, especially in these times, often need parental support well into their 20s. What would happen if you ended up in care and your property being sold to cover the costs? Where would they live, who would support them?

Sorry to say @DrenchSal your outlook is not only overly simplistic and unrealistic it’s all about you. You talking about grabbing opportunities and being matter of fact won’t negate any embarrassment any potential child could feel.

You also seem quite naive - there’s no ‘possibly’ about donor eggs at your age. You’d definitely be using a donor. And your first reply re living family makes it sound like it was the first time you’d realised you’d have no support system.

From reading your posts I’m assuming you had at least one parent alive til your 40s and presumably watched them become frail and die in old age. That will be your child’s reality likely in their early 20s. Why would you want that? Parents can die at any age and suddenly of course. But only older parents become frail and die of old age.

I understand making peace with never having something you long for is hard. But inflicting lone childhood with an older single parent, no family and being an orphan in young adulthood would be a lot harder.

If fostering or adopting are not for you, have you thought about a pet? I don’t say that to be demeaning but because they can be a great source of comfort and a living thing to care for and love. I’ve become a crazy cat lady in midlife and I couldn’t care less about the cliches and stereotypes because of the joy they bring me.

Just because something can be done not mean it should be done. This is one such something.

"I just want honesty" - well, I'm going to be honest to the point of brutality, because I really think you need shaken out of this. I'm hoping that you being "at the VERY initial stages of thinking about this so not far down the road at all" means you're really just flying a kite here (rather than being set on it).

Bluntly - you're too old. You said "I made [the decision to have a child/IVF] 16 years ago it didn’t work but then I got into a relationship to put idea on hold for a while" - well if you could choose to put it on hold then, it can stay 'on hold' permanently.

You might "feel I could give a child a good life", and maybe you can - for as long as you live, but are you going to live long enough? Even if the IVF works, it's unlikely to work first time. You could be 55+ giving birth. 60 when the child goes to primary. 68 when they hit their teens. 76 when they're 21. And it will just be you two, since you "haven’t still got living family" - which means this child who you think you could give 'a good life' could well be completely without family before they've even left school. I don't call that a good life.

And that's before we get into the practicalities. You haven't had children before so you've no idea of how your body will respond to a pregnancy. Will you have the energy to get you through the pregnancy / early years / teenage years? Will you get gestational diabetes, will you be left with life-altering birth injuries; will your baby be born alive? How would you manage if the child were significantly disabled? How would a significantly disabled child manage when you die of old age and they still need support but they have zero family to support them?

How will the child feel about having one single living relative, a mother easily old enough to be their grandmother? At what age will they feel the precariousness of their family unit, and how will that affect how they approach the world? How will they feel about your age, will it embarrass them? Will it cause a genuine divide because your generations are too far apart - as in, will they 'get' you, and vice versa?

Every pregnancy is a gamble, and we all weigh up the odds before going in. But if your gamble doesn't come off, it will be your child paying the price, not you.

Don't do it.

Extremely selfish IMO. Parents should put their children first, and I think that includes hypothetical children tbh.

For me, the chance of my very young child having to help care for me in their teens/early 20's would be far, far too high for me to disregard their happiness and future just for the sake of mine.

A teenager having a father in his 70s is totally different from having a father who is 60.