To ask opinions on IVF at 53

[DrenchSal]

I’ve been considering it

i won’t be offended with anything negative - I just want honesty

Get a hobby, read a book. No pets. World doesn’t need any more fucking dogs or their besotted owners

Just to clarify, because I have seen it a few times, the risk of disabilities rising with maternal (and paternal) age relates to the age of the egg or sperm donor. The age of the woman carrying the child has no bearing on it.

I wouldn't recommend it @DrenchSal

While you may feel the regret and pain at not experiencing having a child, what you can't really feel at this point is how much pain you would experience of the constant fear of something happening to you while your child is still young and vulnerable, and the regret you may feel that you are not able to physically be full and present Mum to your energetic and playful child.

Having a child is really like having your heart living outside of your body. No matter what age you have them you worry constantly that something might happen to them, but also fear for their well being if something were to happen to you and leave them alone. You also constantly worry that you're not doing a good enough job, not giving them the best childhood, best starting point in life.

I think you should find a way to come to come to terms, grieve, the loss of the opportunity for this particular experience. And then perhaps find other ways to use your mothering instincts so that you can give your nurturing side a place to thrive.

That could be fostering children, mentoring a young person, helping out at a children's charity, giving your time, love and attention to a niece or nephew or a godchild.

If you died when your child was just a teenager they would have absolutely no one in the world. Imagine how that would be for them.

Some of those late-in-life babies from long ago were grandbabies rather than babies.

My nan’s youngest ‘sister’ was really her niece - the daughter of eldest sister. This was a not uncommon approach in dealing with illegitimate children prior to the 1950s as it kept the baby with their birth family rather than mum being coerced into adopting them out for fear of being shamed.

It must’ve been obvious to anyone with half a brain that my nan’s little sister wasn’t really her sister as there was only a 5 month gap between daughters number 7 and 8! No one drew any attention to it though and I imagine that’s because a lot of the other late-in-life babies in the village were born in similar circumstances!

23 and Me and similar family genealogy websites are now bringing a lot of these previously unmentioned/unquestioned family histories to light.

Perhaps a pet would help the OP feel less lonely at home (if indeed she is feeling lonely) or would help her get out of the house and making friends and connections. I have heard that dog walking is great for this. There was no need for this rude and nasty response.

Hi @DrenchSal
im a completely sole parent.
The one piece of advice I would give you is not to worry about now, as I’m sure you could do it with a baby even though it’s exhausting but think seriously about the future and their future.

You will be nearly 70 when your DC is 16 (a tricky age) and nearly 80 when they’re 26.
My DC and I are now very close and it breaks her heart to think about my death. She won’t have any sibling support or a dad to grieve with. I’ve tried to create a good relationship for her with her cousins and also some of my oldest friends - but it’s a lonely life for an only child of a single parent. It’s especially difficult for one questioning where they come from and their biological background - which they do and they can get upset about doners. I was in my late thirties when I had my DC and was pretty affluent and yet I still feel this way.

Also I genuinely believe you can have a good life without a baby. If you really genuinely feel the need to nurture someone, I would look at fostering.

No, no, no, no, no!
You need to be selfless and think of the child. The older you get, the closer to death you get. Do you want to leave a child on it’s own just to satisfy a craving?

Dogs aren’t a panacea for all malaise, it isn’t unreasonable to suggest a dog isn’t in fact a child or an emotional crutch.Anthropomorphism isn’t the answer here

As an intentionally single mother, you’re having a laugh. This isn’t right for the baby, it’s all about you

My mum.had me in her 40s (so younger than yourself but bare with me).

Life wasn't much different to my friend's whose parents were much younger than mine, I did know at primary school that my parents were old. Looking back they gave me a better more stable upbringing than my friends.

However, I'm now in my late 30's with 2 young kids, I've lost my father and my mum is nearing her 80s and is unable to offer much childcare, I am envious of my friends with grandparents in their 60s as they are physically able to support them.

Losing my dad in my 30s was horrible and yes I know you can go at any time, most people do live 60/70 plus years. I cannot imagine losing him in my teens or 20s - this could be a reality for your child.

IVF is brutal, you could fall first time, it could take many many tries. It took my over 3-years to get my daughter in my mid 30s.

As you've previously stated, your support network is limited so please think how your child will be supported when you are no longer here or as you age and need additional support.

I know how it feels to want a child so I do understand, but do think about what you will leave behind when you are no longer here.

Can I refer you to the thread
To ask what’s made you think “I’m getting old” recently?
honestly look at this, it’s light hearted but think of these things whilst dealing with a small child, then teenager. Then also think about support & back up, I had my husband, mum & mil when I was 29 & I needed all of them with my child.

Yes - beautifully put @wordler

What is the answer then?

Don’t have a baby
Dont get a dog
Engage in a purposeful fulfilling activity you enjoy. Don’t regret the what ifs

Ah I see right. Thank you for clarifying.

Well seeing you asked

What about surrogacy?

How would that be in the best interests of the child?

You have to think of the resultant child, nit just what you want. If you use do it egg or sperm they have the right to know who their genetic parebts are.

What happens if your health declines, are they going to be your carer? What happens if you die, who will look after them?

surrogacy? Same issues, she’ll be same age and 74 when hoped for child is 20

I know! That's why I am saying thank you!

Remember OP if a man had a baby mid 50s no one would bat an eye lid! 👌

Would the man be 'having a baby' on his own? Without a younger partner?

1. Plenty of people would bat an eyelid

2. That child would have a mother of child bearing age

Or

3. That child would be born via surrogate in which case you can believe that all of the same voices cautioning the OP would be (rightly) up in arms about it