To ask opinions on IVF at 53

[DrenchSal]

I’ve been considering it

i won’t be offended with anything negative - I just want honesty

The youngest of 9 is not insignificant here

The risk that you have a baby and something happens with your health whilst they are still young, is unfortunately quite high.

It's not, really.

I'm sorry to hear about your own circumstances, but I could quote my and my friends' families where parents lived till their 90s and were very active till the end.

Life expectancy is around 85 for women and many illnesses- 40% or more- (not all of course) are lifestyle related and can be prevented.

You could with a donor egg but it’s going to be tough. What about adopting an older child??

An accidental death can happen at any age, but the likelihood of an unexpected death increases with age.

Yeah but she's still alive about to be 80 and had 9 kids.

I’m 54 and out of a small circle of friends I’ve lost two women friends to cancer, both non smokers with a healthy BMI and very active. One with children and one without, I lost an older male friend to cancer at 50 a good few years ago and his children still receive counselling and are very affected. The children of both these friends had another parent and very supportive wider family. can’t imagine the impact had there not been.

Lucky her, that must mean everyone will live as long as her then. I am sorry you lost your mother at 56, if I’ve done the maths correctly. That is very sad, and I’m sure it helps you have other family like your sister in your life

@DrenchSal Do you have £thousands in savings to fund IVF and do you have a job where you can take time off to care for your child and not feel the financial impact?

I think the main question here is why did you not think of this before now?

Did you never have a relationship where a child was possible?
Did you not have a willing male friend to donate sperm? (This is not as odd as it sounds- it does happen.)
Did you not think of IVF or sperm donor when your bio clock was ticking as you reached 40-45?

It's all a bit late in the day, really.

No, you are too old. I speak as someone who had their children in their early forties and the guilt I feel sometimes knowing they will most likely have no parents by the time they are mid thirties can be overwhelming. I became an ‘orphan’ in my 60s and that was still bad enough so 30s seems so young to be without your anchor. Your child will probably be late 20s and parentless.

IVF at 53 can be very challenging and carries health risks for both you and the baby if it works, and there’s no guarantee of success. It’s also worth thinking about what support would be in place if anything happened to you, since you don’t have a partner or family to help. Children are a blessing, but you don’t need them to live a happy and meaningful life.

In adoption they usually want an age gap of no more than 45 years between the (younger, if a couple) adopter and the child - this is for a reason, and it's about a parent hopefully being around. This is relevant here too.

Older people are commissioning surrogate babies- it is so unfair on the children.

My great grandmother had her last child at 52 - the last of 9!

Women did used to carry on and many had children into their late 40s and less commonly early 50s (mainly thanks to no suitable birth control).

But I think it would be difficult for the child as you get older. Plus there are more risks to both you and the baby. The baby would be more likely to have problems. If the child had a medical condition or special needs it would be even harder for you to cope, especially on your own.

It must be difficult for you, though. It's much easier for men to have children later, isn't it? I think having a chat with a medical professional who can talk you through the potential risks and problems would be a good idea. Good luck.

If you use a donor egg it’s not your child, so I don’t even see the point. As someone else said they don’t stay babies long and you may not even like babies if you have one

Ok @Bms3ar you’re 40 and pg with 2nd child and had child 1 at 38?
OP is 53 no partner and no support netwprk
You’ll be 58 when child one is 20
@DrenchSal will be 74 when her hoped for child is 20

This is true. You'll effectively incubate a woman and man's genes.
Unless you have a strong desire to be pregnant, you may as well adopt or foster.

it wouldnt b your boiological child anyway so i dont really get why youre aagainst adotion but i think its selfish as you have no other family and sometimes money just isnt enough

I know that desperate yearning to have a baby and I think if you really, truly wanted one you would have been going down this road at least ten years ago.....regardless of whether you were living with your dad then or not. The fact is you didn't, because it wasn't an ideal situation despite you being younger. The situation is worse now considering your age and lack of any wider family or support system. If it was a no back then it is most definitely a no this time.

I’m sorry you haven’t had a child, you clearly have a mother’s love. You don’t need to foster but maybe you can find another way to fulfil this. Charity work? Adopting an older child?

Please reconsider, having kids is a shift whereby your own needs become secondary. And maybe the child’s best interest would to not be conceived 😢

We cannot even imagine the toll of childbirth, and it’s even more brutal as you get older.

Aside from age, without any family who is there if you’re sick or have any issues. even if you are healthy now the treatment or pregnancy could bring new complications.

When your child is 7 going into Junior school you will be over 60… will you have the energy for swimming classes, netball. Drama, football etc. How will he or she feel with you being older? Not just from a superficial perspective because you aren’t part of the mummy group of 30-40 yr olds / running in sport day parent race - but also from them potentially needing to care for you. Or worrying that you will die (6 year olds are very much aware of age and death with over active imaginations).

Please imagine what their life could be like
and yours over the years.

Newborn, toddler years, starting school, junior school, year 7, GCSEs…. University?? school parties play dates, sleepovers, mummy friends….

There is a lot of "Uncle Norman" syndrome on this thread.

Yes of course it is technically possible that a woman can conceive and safely deliver a healthy baby at 50 odd and live to be 108, but realistically, its very unlikely.

Chances of the pregnancy even ending with a live birth is very very small, it ending with a live birth with no other issues to either mother or child are vanishingly unlikely.

Just because it has very rarely happened, doesnt mean that it is the most likely outcome.

Terrible, and I mean awful, idea. Madness. Having a child is an exhausting and relentless task, as well as a massive financial commitment. Get a dog.

Sorry OP I feel it is too old. I know it seems romantic to have a child and it is you and the child against the world.

I woudn’t for health reasons. Carrying a child is taxing when being an older mum and the bounce back is hard. I also think not having a village is so hard. I speak from experience for both but in terms of the village while it is no hands on help, I am thankful my kid has almost all grandparents alive still. I never met mine it was very isolating.

I completely understand why you are exploring this. However I don’t think it’s a good idea. Forget your age, raising a child solo is possibly the most difficult thing you can do. Do you know anyone who is a single parent? What help and support do they have? It’s practically impossible without the help of family. Often people end up in this situation not by choice. Who will look after your child if you are ill, or worse, end up in hospital? You will have no time to yourself, no time to peruse hobbies. No help with housework or life admin which can feel impossible with a baby or small child. And when you are surviving on barely any sleep, sitting awake at 4am wondering why your baby won’t sleep, worrying about their illness or cleaning up poo you have no one to share it with or talk to about it. Sorry to be negative but looking after a baby/ child is hard mentally and emotionally and nothing can prepare.

This is a lovely insightful post and sums up the reality’s of parenting through the stages, really well.

I hope you find this post OP.

I absolutely understand why you are considering this. Being without family does make you feel vulnerable and rootless, in a way that I don't think people who are blessed with relatives can really understand. I am facing very similar myself. I too would love a child (I am late 30s) but feel for all the reasons people have given in this thread, it would be really selfish. I can't simply transfer my own loneliness down a generation.

I think you should try to focus on finding a partner and a circle of good friends.

Please don't take all the 'selfish' comments to heart. It's understandable that you are thinking this way, but it is really important to look into the future and think about the life your potential child would live.

I wish you all the very best, and I truly mean that.

It’s ridiculous and selfish. Get a cat.