To ask opinions on IVF at 53

[DrenchSal]

I’ve been considering it

i won’t be offended with anything negative - I just want honesty

When I’m 53 my youngest will be 25 so I may even be a grandmother! I’m 38 now and couldn’t imagine having another baby

You wouldn’t be able to conceive using your own eggs, unless you froze them many years ago. You’d need to use donor eggs. If I was a donor, I’m afraid I wouldn’t want them to go to someone over a certain age. It’s not fair on the child. Would you consider fostering?

But the OP doesn't have a husband and family.

even late 30s I would not even be considering it! Just because by 50's IMO kids should be off to uni/working/doing their thing while we are still hopefully young enough to enjoy our lives too with some money/ etc

Starting in your 50s is madness! You would likely never see grandchildren, and pass away before your child has really got started into life.
so no

I don’t understand why so many people are talking about men becoming parents at a similar age. Men don’t go through pregnancy, labour or breastfeeding. Men don’t get PPD, or go through the menopause. Men are rarely single parents in this situation. However great your husband is as an older parent to your child, his experience is utterly irrelevant to what the OP is proposing.

Adopt then

I think with only one parent who would potentially be 70 before the child reached adulthood, the risk of the child being orphaned is too high.

I’m in my early 40s and I have not long since had a baby. I’m exhausting constantly.

While it is your decision, I would advise against it

People are brutal. My own great grandma got naturally pregnant at the age of 51 and I know older women married with younger men who could pull such a life....it is their life, so I don't care what people think. I am late 40s, done with kids but GUESS WHAT? I STILL HAVE PERIOD AND DO IT WITHOUT ANY PRECAUTION AND MIGHT END UP LIKE MY GREAT GRANDMA, because it is in the genes

If ever happens to me, we would mind our own child and family , it won't be any of the people on this thread

I'm sorry but no, I wouldn't consider it. I had my first at 36 and second at 38 and looking back now I wish I'd done it younger. I'm 46 now and I'm exhausted constantly, the thought of doing it again now let alone in another 7 years time is just horrific. You have no living family and no partner to support you - even if you coped, your child would undoubtedly lose you at a young age and then they would be on their own, left to sort out your funeral and estate etc. I'm so sorry but I really think that ship has, or should have, sailed. However there is clearly a big space in your life that needs filling, I think perhaps your energies would be better put I to filling that space and having a fabulous rest of your life.

Very insightful.

Sounds like the OP wants family and this is her only way to have one.

Hi, I’m around your age and have a 12 year old (and two older kids - university age). I wouldn’t recommend having a baby in your 50s, especially with no support around you. I have suspected cancer at the moment, and am in the middle of tests and waiting for results. I have a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach at the fact that I could potentially die before my youngest reaches adulthood. I would not want that for them at all. While these sorts of things can crop up at any age, once you reach your 50s then there is a massive uptick in cases of cancer in that demographic. A very maudlin post - I’m sorry. But I feel dreadful about the situation my kids might be in.

So many reasons you shouldn't. Increased risk of child being disabled is one of them (if using your own eggs). You are 53 now so it could take you ages to get pregnant so you'll be mid/late fifties by the time the child is born and a child needs alot of energy, more than most people in their mid fifties into their 60's are able to give. You'll be 72 minimum by the time the child becomes a legal adult, both my grandparents died at 60 and 61 respectively so do you have someone who will take them who you know 100% wants them if you was to die (and hopefully you don't OP but it's far more common to die in your 60's than people realise) and even if you do have someone have you considered the emotional impact that will have on the child you wish to bring into the world. You have had a long time to think about having children OP even as a solo parent but you really have left it too late it wouldn't be fair on the child. Look into fostering/adopting an older child there's plenty out there that could do with the good life you say you can provide.

And your great grandma, the older women with younger men you mention and you yourself were/are single with no family at all were they? Because that's the OP's situation. No partner. No family and 53 years old. No older children.

This reads like you are in a relationship and also have other children, so not in the same position as the OP.

I don’t think it’s “brutal” to be honest with someone who has asked for honest opinions, and I don’t think it’s “brutal” to consider how this decision would affect the child.

And it is the “decision” that is important here - she hasn’t found herself in this situation; she’s talking about choosing it deliberately - putting a child into a family with only one other member who has a much higher chance of leaving them totally alone.

I’m not really sure what point you are trying to make.

OP asked what people thought of her starting IVF at 53 as a single childless women with no family and no support network.

people told her.

are you now angry because you (who clearly has a partner) could theoretically get naturally and accidentally pregnant in your late fifties and if you did you and your family would look after that child as if it’s thumbing your nose at people who thought OP should reconsider IVF?

the likelihood of getting naturally pregnant and carrying to term at 55 is sooo low I don’t think you should worry!

I’m 43 and am amazed people have babies at this age. It’s not so much the first 10 years but the second 10 years are a lot - mentally and emotionally. Doing that day in, day out at 63-70 would be really hard and not fair on the child imo.

could you consider fostering or adopting an older dc?

I think in all honesty if you’re committed you could probably deal with the exhaustion of newborn and early years.
BUT I would be more concerned about your longevity and who would be around to support your child then. They’d be eighteen when you were early/ mid seventies - that’s very young to lose your only parent

I have always desperately wanted children but never got that chapter in my book. Either relationships haven't worked out, or for a short while I put career first, and....well it just never came to be.

I am now 47. I'm a professional in a stable and very secure job. I recently inherited a good chunk on money, and also get monthly unearned income which is enough to live off and pay all my bills. My mortgage is paid off and if I'm careful I don't ever have to work again. I'm doing a few hours here and there just got the fun of it really, and studying a few things at college I've always wanted to try. My mental health is in a great place and I have a great support network of friends and family close by.

I have decided not to go down the path of being a single mother by choice. I'd be 48 when I gave birth, and despite my best efforts to convince myself otherwise I know I'm not as fit and active as someone in their 20s 30s or even early 40s. I've got several friends who lost parents in their teens and early 20s, and I wouldn't want to have potentially chosen that heartbreak for my child.

I wish I could ignore my morals and just plough on and be selfish, but I can't.

You would be being unreasonable if you went ahead with this.

I’m saddened to read such brutal posts on this. Would you talk to someone face to face in this manner?
My husband is 52 and we are expecting our second baby very soon. He is a loving and wonderful father to our 2 year old. Having also had two children earlier in life from a previous relationship (who are now in their late teens), he tells me that he is a much better father this time round…more time, more patience and it’s reinvigorated his zest for life. Obviously everyone will say that it’s different for men…major eye roll but come on, age is not the only determining factor in good parenting. There are plenty in their 20s and 30s who are unfit as parents.

@Bms3ar The post is not about an older man being a father but a woman of 53 seeking IVF alone, no partner and no extended family to pick up the slack.

It's fairly 'normal' for men to have a 2nd family in their 40s or 50s (so yes, 'eye roll' ) but it's different as they are not pregnant.

Maybe you are 10 years younger than he is.

Obviously no one knows how long they will live, but going on statistics, men live to around 83 . So a child with an older father may be only in their late 20s or 30s when they die.

I’m sorry OP but I’d be another that would advise against it. My dad died at the age of 63 (when I was 20) from cancer and that was devastating for me at that age - even though I was considered an adult at that point. Equally my mum went through oesophageal cancer a few years ago at the age of 66 including having rounds of chemo and having half her stomach removed. That was hard enough to deal with as someone in my early 30s - having to move in with her whilst looking after her and working full time (no kids at that point). Out of my group of 5 closest female friends 3 of us have only one parent remaining, one has a mother with advanced dementia and the remaining one is the only one with 2 fit and healthy parents. The risk that you have a baby and something happens with your health whilst they are still young, is unfortunately quite high. That is such a burden for a young person to carry and the fact that you say you have no other remaining family means they could be doing that alone. I think it would be incredibly incredibly sad to bring a child into this world knowing that this is the hand you potentially deliver to them.

I honestly feel for you as the biological urge to have a baby is incredibly strong, and having gone through infertility I am familiar with the heartache of wanting to be a parent and it not being a reality. But please please try to think of this objectively.

My youngest sister was 22 when our mum died, my mum had her at 34, her husband still has his mum 10 years later, she had him, entirely naturally, youngest of 9 at 51.

An unexpected death sadly can happen at any age.

If possible it will be extremely taxing on your body and likely also put you into menopause (which you are already over the average age of). Even going through the process of trying will put your body under stress.

It’s not how you feel now, but how will you cope in 15 years with a teenager?

I think you have a very romanticised view, especially as you say you aren’t in the head space to adopt or foster.

You have no support or back up, which is another important factor to consider with ageing and health issues.

I think it’s madness personally, I was over 10 years younger and still wish I had started 5 years before to cope with the later years.