To ask opinions on IVF at 53

[DrenchSal]

I’ve been considering it

i won’t be offended with anything negative - I just want honesty

I’m 40 and had been trying for 5 years before having our first baby. Would we have given up because my husband was approaching 50? Absolutely not. And do we regret that? Not one iota.

My main point is BE KIND. So many messages calling this poor woman selfish is ridiculous. Maybe people in war-torn countries should also not be having kids?!

Anyway, I’m leaving this cesspit and getting back to Vinted!

The ship has sailed OP. Sorry but it's true.

I'm a few years younger than you and know that awful rootless feeling of not having any immediate family or a partner. But having a baby in your fifties is not the answer. You need to focus on friendships now and creating your sense of belonging some other way.

Err Vinted is a total cesspit… but that’s a whole nother thread 😂

Are you thinking about yourself or the child?

Because the reality is that, even if you do fall pregnant, your child has a higher than normal likelihood of various forms of disability, for which you will either be the sole carer, or the person responsible for destroying the child before they are born, Further, by the time the child is an adult you will be in your 70s. You may have many more years of healthy life, but you may also be needing your child to become your carer at an early age.

Age is not a mindset. Age is a reality which brings with it a wide range of physical and mental complications. There is a reason why women almost never naturally fall pregnant at your age, and it needs to be taken very, very seriously. Yes, there will be ‘success’ stories, but these are statistical outliers, not the likely outcome.

I’m sorry but I also think it’s a bad idea, so much can go wrong. I sadly have several friends who have passed away in their 50s and without any family backup what would be your plan here if something was to happen to you?

Not to mention my own mother who sadly got dementia at 60. We all hope we’ll have a healthy retirement but it’s in the lap of the gods.

If you had a partner/living family then maybe but I’d think very hard without additional support.

I say you would be very selfish to have a baby at your age. Don't you think about what kind of life your child would have with such an old single parent? Worrying about you and potentially having to look after you whilst being very young. Face their adult life without the support and love of a parent, (even if you were to live long). No. Your desire to have a baby should not be bigger than the care you show to the quality of life of this potential child.

Oh, and to be clear, foster and adoption agencies would be extremely unlikely to consider OP to take on a baby. For the same reasons.

I agree with you that of course poor health and mortality is likelier as people age. Nuanced comments that make that point are usually accepted without comment I think. I think I know though why there are always the ‘ah, but..’ comments on this and I have made them myself sometimes. It’s because these threads are often filled with people saying ‘but you might get ill! You might die!’ without any nuance in their response and as if they have some protection from that. Yet we have all known many young parents become ill or die, and cancer among younger people is becoming more common. So even though you are absolutely correct, I think people naturally want to qualify some of the simplistic comments.

But again you are younger, not a single
parent and you haven’t asked the internet for an opinion on your choices.

OP asked what people think. Most people have pointed out the hard realities of having a baby completely alone in what would likely be her late fifties. Going it completely alone. Hard at any age - but much harder to build a network when all the other mums will be twenty to thirty years younger. No one to look
after the sick baby while she sleeps - no one to ask to run down to the chemist for calpol. At sixty - when any fiends she has will
be retiring and probably won’t want to sit in a play cafe.

🤣

I have lost several family members and close family friends at this exact age. I would be extremely hesitant at this age. My own dad is 70 and last year the flu hospitalised him, we all thought we were going to lose him. He had me at 35, so I am an adult but the thought of losing him or my mum even at my age is something I don’t feel ready for.

Sorry for your loss.

You are so so right. Our health is indeed in the lap of the gods!

Would you be doing it all on your own? What support do you have?
I had my first baby when I turned 30. I thought I was prepared for how life would change but I was Incredibly naive and suffered badly with PND. The exhaustion was a lot but knowing I had my dh with me made life easier. Also having my parents around who were able and willing to help with anything made such a difference.

Yes age is a big factor, I’m mid thirties and running around after a toddler is exhausting. Since having my child I have since discovered I have heart problems and now become regularly unwell, I need a village to help support me raising my children. I think this is the main area you need to think about - who will be around to care for your child if you’re unwell? Eventually, who will help with the nursery/ school drop offs? What will happen during a child sick day, can you keep taking time off of work?

Why don’t you try and adopt instead? If you had ivf the baby wouldn't share your dna as you’d need donor eggs

45 or 48 is very different from 53/54
natural conception in late 40s or early 50s is very different from IVF
starting a family as a couple is different from trying to buy your way to a baby through ivf when you’ve literally nobody to support or care for a child if you so much as break your leg

this is not for you

Yes, but there are also good statistics which show us which outcomes are probable and which are unlikely. It’s foolish to ignore what is likely to happen in the hope of what might happen.

I know someone who had ivf throughout their 30s and 40s, then broke up with their partner and then conceived naturally at 53 with a new partner. They have a lot of help with nannies and are very wealthy but even still are already making plans to not be around for a long time, ensuring other family members and cousins are close, finances are sorted and trusts in place etc.

I also don't think IVF is a quick thing, the people I do know who have been through it, it can take years, is mentally, emotionally and financially draining. I have seen failed IVF attemps cause depression and send people a bit over the edge. Doing that alone seems like a huge weight to carry and then with the added knowldge of the ticking clock.
I do have a single friend who never met the right person and has fertility issues who started fostering. She gets a lot from it and finds it very fulfilling. She also works full time and has a life too, she seems to make it work. Could that be something you might consider as if you are yearning to give a good life to a child then this is another option.

The same is absolutely true of IVF. The emotional and physical struggles just to get pregnant are considerable. Plus, you know, being a parent,

No I'm sorry far to old now to have a child you will put yourself and the unborn baby in great danger pregnancy in that age can be really dangerous for pregnant mums it's not all about you but think of the unborn baby and what could happen. Sorry to be harsh but I dont agree of having children over the age of 40 its selfish behaviour

Sorry OP I think it’s too late at 53.
Over 50 is really pushing it imo, and you’ll be nearly 55 when the baby is born.
I’m curious where will do IVF for you, is it in the UK?
It would be so hard on you physically and mentally as you are on your own too.
Could you go into working with kids, could you adopt or foster an older child? I am aware this is not an easy road though.
Do you have pets? Looking after animals can help fulfil the nurturing side (sorry I don’t mean that to sound trite and patronising).

I had an older F, too, though not all that old by today’s standards. He was 42 when I was born and died when I was 28. I never thought of that as being unusual tbh. (Although he was abusive which colours my view somewhat.)

He was in poor health, suffered from Parkinson’s for many years and also had several strokes. Not lifestyle related.

I guess another reason why I never thought about it being unusual was that my DM was orphaned at 10, and by the time I was 3, all my grandparents were dead.

Despite this, my DH and I are older parents, by adoption. I was 40 when DD1 came to us at age 1 and my DH was 44. I realise that this isn’t ideal, but it’s the way things worked out after years of infertility. Thankfully, my 2 DDs (16 and 13) have 2 grandmas who are very much alive in their 80s, though my MIL has recently been diagnosed with dementia.

IMO I’m an older mum. I couldn’t imagine starting at the OP’s age! I’m sorry, but it really is a bad idea, especially as she’s on her own.

Very selfish, all about you and not about the child at all. Don't do it.

Be for real.

Think about it from the child’s point of view. They would not know either of their genetic parents. They would have only one parent who was much older than normal. They would have no siblings. They would have no extended family ie grandparents, aunts, cousins. Would you like to have grown up like that ?

Look OP it sounds from your updates as if you're determined to do it despite the vast majority of responses being against it. I don't think it's a good idea for lots of the reasons that have already been listed here, there's no point in mentioning them again.

But I think in essence it sounds to me as if you're lonely/feeling like your life is empty. You mention you are single and have no family or support network. I think these are things to address rather than thinking a baby will provide you with a connection to someone.

There's not much you can do about not having family (bar taking a 23andme and connecting with some previously unknown distant relatives) but I think making some friends and having a network around you would really help you. There are ways to do this: taking up a hobby, various friendship apps etc). I don't know if you're interested in dating but maybe a relationship is another way to get yourself a connection and make a family. You can even go for men with children if you want that in your life.

I don't think having a baby would help you. Babies are incredibly hard, tiring and isolating. Some of the loneliest times of my life were when mine were tiny. At your age it'd be awful for both you and the child. I think you need to really look at why you want to do this now at this point, and work on those underlying reasons. Good luck OP.