To ask opinions on IVF at 53

[DrenchSal]

I’ve been considering it

i won’t be offended with anything negative - I just want honesty

Okay so you've asked for it straight. I'm sorry to be so rude but:

Grandparents who have to care for their grandchildren have been put into that situation.

Your child would have the double whammy of you being unusually elderly - but also of you being unusually selfish and frankly, weird enough to have gone ahead with solo IVF in your mid-50s.

No dad. No grandparents. No brothers or sisters. No aunts, uncles or cousins. Just them and one very unusual old lady.

My parents are currently in their early 70s having had me in their mid-30s - I love them but they have changed as they aged. Their faults are magnified. They are a little slower, frailer, more needy, more anxious, more set in their ways, weirder, more resistant to change, and far less adventurous. I know that not all elderly people experience these changes (my Dad has held up far better than my Mum) but many do. My parents are doing fine because they're at a stage in their life where they don't have incredibly demanding responsibilities. I'd like more of their support but I don't need it because I'm a grown woman in my 30s with my own family.

I cannot imagine being 20 years younger than I am now - being only a teenager - and having only my mother as she is now. To be honest, it would have completely f*cked me up.

The ship sailed at least 10 years ago. You still have time to lead a good, fulfilling life but not to bring a child into the world and raise them from birth.

And how old are you?
The OP's situation is completely different to yours.
She is the one who is 53. She is single. She doesn't have any other children. If she has a baby the baby won't have any older siblings or as in your case half-siblings who could care for the child in the worst case scenario of her dying while they are still very young.
Her age doesn't mean she wouldn't be a good parent but her circumstances ae not like yours. For me it's the combination of her age and lack of family/other support around her that means it's not a good idea at all.

I think it’s selfish to consider it. You would be doing this to satisfy your urge to be a mother but consider the child, their feelings, and how fair it will be for the child when you become advanced in age and they are a teenager. Realistically if you live to 80 they will be alone by 30, no siblings, no dad, no mum, no relatives.

It would surely be exhausting, and if you're single, and you're aging, there's a higher likelihood your child will be parentless at a young age.

Sorry OP, I went through infertility so I know the ache of childlessness and the desperation to have a child. It must also be very lonely not to have living family or a partner at the moment.

But I have to agree with everyone that it is not in the best interests of the child to go through with this. Having a child is physically brutal and you absolutely need support to manage. Imagine day and night your alarm goes off at random intervals and your job is to try and get it to stop. Sometimes it stops quickly but then will just ring for two hours no matter what you do. And so on. There’s no respite, no early nights or lie ins. You just have to get this alarm to stop. That is what having a baby is like.

And it’s still hard when they get older. We were out today and my 2 year old refused to walk or go in the buggy and insisted on being carried. So I lugged a 30 pound toddler while also pushing a buggy up a steep hill. You’d be what - 57 doing that? All the time?

And to be honest the physical issues will probably be the least of it. Your child runs the risk of huge trauma and loneliness if you die during their childhood or early adulthood and they have no one else in the world.

Same here, except I was 38 when I diagnosed with breast cancer. Ds was 18 months old and DD was just 5. I underwent a mastectomy, chemo, reconstructive surgery, failed reconstruction and more reconstruction to put it right.

Fast forward 15 years ( your age now OP) I had a full hysterectomy for a new soft tissue cancer and secondary breast was discovered at the same time! Treatment and sickness took its toll. Eventually I recovered and returned to work ( 8 months off). Within less than a year, soft tissue cancer is back with little hope of a full recovery.

What I’m trying to say is, as we age, our bodies can screw us up. I’m probably bitter but just think of the strain growing and birthing a baby would have on your body ( which is fine now as far as you know).

I could not begin to imagine parenting a tiny baby at this moment in my life, no way! I can barely look after myself during chemo. DS is now 17 and working. I wish I had him earlier. We tried but two m/c happened. DD is nearly 21 and at university.

Think carefully OP. What do you really want?

That's a very good point

Yes, but how old are you? Presumably much younger, so not the same situation at all.

I think it would be incredibly selfish of you. Your future child risks losing a parent at a very young age and that's a terrible thing to put on them. There's also an extremely high risk they're born with disabilities that make their life difficult beyond what I can even imagine

Personally I’m of the opinion that just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. It would be incredibly selfish and, ultimately, risky, in terms of health implications for a potential baby.
Theres plenty of posts on here citing older dads, which is a bit irrelevant as it’s not the dad who goes through pregnancy, often a very tough experience even on young, healthy bodies.
In terms of practicalities once baby was here, I think of my mother. She’s 61 now, and one of the fittest people I know, nothings ever slowed her down… but she’s TIRED when she’s had my 4yo for a weekend (if we’re at a wedding or whatever) and ready for a break. With the best will in the world, dealing with that 24/7 is, putting it mildly, impractical.
You say you are single and have no living family, so your child would be completely alone if anything were to happen to you, which statistically is much more likely in your late 50s/60s and increasingly so S you age. Even if you lived to 85, by 30, your child would be entirely without family.
Becoming a parent is always, imo, a selfish decision, to one extent or another, but you’d be setting your child up to fail.
Wirh all that being said, I see you’re only engaging with the more encouraging posts, so I feel like you’ve already made up your mind.

All the more reason not to do it, sorry OP. I say that as an older single mum myself. I conceived naturally at 43 after years of failed IVF. My relationship broke down afterwards. I understand what it's like to desperately want a child, but at some point you have to think about the prospective child and not about yourself. My son at least has a father (albeit a pretty useless one) and aunts, uncles, cousins on both sides.

As a woman your age and the product of a father who was our age when I was born, don't be so fucking stupid. I will never forgive my late mother for making me a young carer from the age of 7 and I will never make up the lost years of my life due to their stupidity and selfishness. That ship sailed long ago. If you were that bothered you'd have made children a priority at least 15 years ago. Silly, silly selfish woman for even considering it!

I am 60 with a beautiful healthy 12 year old daughter conceived abroad by IVF with donor egg.
Some may say that I am selfish but you will never truly understand the reasons why unless you have actually been in this position.
It is not a decision to be made lightly & the 1st 2 years were exhausting but with a supportive husband & family, it can be done.
For those mentioning health, a person can develop a life changing condition or death at any age of life.
We are fortunate that we are financially secure, which of course helps with both of us working part time in order to be there when our daughter goes off to school & returns home - something that we probably would not have been in a position to do if we were younger.
Yes, we are the oldest parents in her year but this has not stopped us or our daughter from making friends.
Personally, I would make all the necessary enquiries otherwise it will be something that you will regret if you dohave counselling to explore further

How old are you @Bms3ar?

He isnt trying to carry and birth a child at 52 though is he?

I am the same age as him and me having a baby now would be a totally different kettle of fish. The impact on him physically is almost none, apart from losing sleep if he pulls his weight on the night wakings. On a 52 year old woman its a huge risk, both to her and the baby (assuming it even makes it out of the first trimester which is extremely unlikely).
And then of course there are two of you, not just one like the OP, and you are presumably significantly younger than your DH. Oddly enough, I have just realised that I am now the age that my ex was when I had our youngest DD. He was 52 and I was 38.

Not comparable to the OP at all.

It was hard enough on my body having a natural pregnancy at 39. Huge risk to you, and unfair on the child who will have to deal with a very elderly parent at an early age.

You are too old, I am sorry, but that's the truth. Having babies is often considered young women's work for a good reason. Fostering or adopting older children is a great option. Good luck, it is the hardest work of all.

I don’t want to put you off but I am mid 30s and pregnancy has mullered my body and health. And it was a complication free everything! It’s just an incredibly taxing situation. I have honestly aged decades in the space of a few years. It is scary to see pictures of myself a few years ago. So tired. So depleted. My body is so cranky now (for want of a better word). Thankfully this is my second but there’s no way I am doing it again. I cannot imagine what it does to the body of a 50yo. So sorry. You said honest. And that’s the honest truth. It’s not a picnic.

Im trying to imagine my 70 year old mother with a 15 year old kid.

She stress would cause her some serious blood pressure issues and potentially a heart attack. This may sound dramatic but I honestly think it's the truth.

The thought of her being worried sick whilst her teenage daughter is out roaming the streets, not answering their phone, it would quite literally kill her off.

Sadly, if you have ever visited the limiting illness board, there have been two or three women who have died of cancer in their early fifties this year. Their DC were just teens. Tragic.
I understand your point though, losing a parent at any age is awful, but in your twenties, feels doubly sad.

I’m sorry but I think you are too old. It could take a while and your child might not even be in their teens by the time health problems that come with old age start to kick in.

Some people on here are mentioning older dads being fine but that is not the same thing. You are not suggesting having a baby with a younger female partner in their 30s who will be going through the pregnancy and will be there for the child when you get older.

I had a baby at 47, donor embryo, no problems with pregnancy at all. What's your plan. I think you should go for it. If it's in your heart to be a mother, it will be hard to move on. I think your best options are donor embryos and some countries are more open to your age ( Cyprus etc). Go for it. xxx

How do you feel in yourself? I'm exhausted with 2 born at 35 and 38, that said my mum died at 56 and I seem to have inherited a lot of her health issues so my gh plummeted after 40, I know women in their 50s who find things a lot less tiring than I do. It's lack of sleep that effects me so badly. My eldest has asn which makes it harder too, my youngest is a doddle in many ways. Tell you what though, my eldest is a lot of fun and is filled with wonder and love and interesting ideas so I wouldn't change a hair on either of their heads and if it came down to have them late or not have them I'd have them.

Is adoption of any interest to you? I have a single sister in her 40s who is so wonderfully maternal but going down that route so may be worth considering to avoid the health risks of pregnancy etc (her big motivation as well as some lovely personal reasons from our family history)

Oh also I lost my mum when she was 56 and I was 30. I had my kids later but hoping they'll hVe me longer than I had my mum.

Your situation is quite different in that you had a support network - OP doesn’t.

in terms of your comment ‘For those mentioning health, a person can develop a life changing condition or death at any age of life’

you do understand the aging process though don’t you? That as we age our health declines? That mortality rates increase as we age. Age is considered the single biggest risk factor for cancer overall, with roughly half of all new cancer cases diagnosed in people over 50, and incidence rates rising steeply from the mid-50s.

There absolutely is a correlation between age, health and mortality. It’s something everyone should consider, especially when becoming a parent much later in life. I am always deeply concerned when peopel
glibly say you might as well have a baby at 55 beciase you can be hit by a bus at any age.

I never understand the comments on these threads which completely ignore the very obvious reality of aging and the hard statistics.