To ask opinions on IVF at 53

[DrenchSal]

I’ve been considering it

i won’t be offended with anything negative - I just want honesty

How old are you if you don’t mind me asking? And do you think your husband would have had a baby on his own at that age?

(and congrats btw!)

I adore my parents. I remember the realisation that one day they would die and was utterly saddened and terrified at the thought for weeks.
I was 10. They were late 30's.

If your child was anything like me, your poor child would have this as an actual reality. Your child would have 30 years tops of you. When you know young people that have lost their parents in their teens and 20's you see how young that is to leave them

Then it is a really, really, really bad idea.

We all want things we can't have, but that's life.

I'm 66 and there is no way I would be wanting to deal with a 13 year old now. Then supporting through GCSes at 69 and A levels at 71, then providing financial support through university until 74.

By the time you actually have a baby it'll be another year at least down the line. It's worth thinking about why you waited so long and what you put before having children - what's changed? The answer may be legitimate BTW but it's worth having the reflection. Personally, as someone going through infertility myself (in my 30s) it gives me a bit of an icky feeling to see someone using treatment when they don't have the disease of infertility, they're just old. However, if you have the money and the patience for the investigations there's no harm in having a few initial tests. Just think very carefully about what you'll need in terms of support (something all of us should do anyway!).

And you’re just at the start if your journey.
It will be different in 5, 10 years time.
And I’m not trying to be negative. Your dh won’t feel as fit and full of energy at 62yo than at 52yo. Like evryone else. And speaking as a mum of young adults, your dcs still need you a lot as they get older. They still need you with loads of energy too.

The other big difference is that @DrenchSal will be on her own. She won’t have a younger partner to shoulder the work with her.
Would your dh feel the same if he was looking after your dc on his own? Everyday? Is he doing that regularly, all the wake ups at night, going to work, dealing with nursery, illness etc?

Most single mums will tell you that it’s grueling. That’s wo adding age into the equation.

So yes being older might give you some calm and wisdom you didn’t have at 30. I doubt this cancel being a single mum and having less energy etc… on top.

At 53 you have left it too late and you are too old. If you were successful in getting a live birth first time (incredibly unlikely) you’d be what, 55? No living family around or a dad when you are older yourself is just not fair on a child. But in all likelihood it wouldn’t work and it would be a few years of anguish. I’d use the money saved to seek counselling to come to terms with not having children.

I just had my first at 38 and I don't want anymore. I love her to death, she is so cute and brings me so much joy, but no more especially since her father showed his true colours and I have since had to go no contact. It is quite tiring doing it solo and never really getting an off day. Believe me they are so precious that you don't really want to hand them to anyone.
I couldn't imagine my life without having a child however.
I feel bad for you that you really want it and it never really happened before for you.
I know people sat adopt etc , but when it's your own... my god it's just so beautiful can't explain ..

Wishing you the best on your journey. Going through infertility sucks x

Sorry replied to the wrong poster.

The sperm of older men is now regarded as a key component in birth defects. Whereas in the past it was always blamed on the woman.

Just because a man CAN get a woman pregnant as long as he can ejaculate, doesn't mean he should.

Imagine having pensioner turn up at primary school as your dad.

Sorry OP, no, you are too old and you don't have sufficient support around you to help you out.
Also you don't have family around you and even though you don't want to think about it, what would happen if you died while your child was still young? Who would look after your child? It's irresponsible to knowingly conceive a child in these circumstances.
You could argue back and say that a younger mother could die too when children are young. Yes, that's true, but it's much less likely.
It's the combination of your age and not having support around you that is the problem.

As I said there’s exceptions. I’m not sure what’s privileged about my comment. All my family on one side and my sibling died of cancer so I’ve experienced a lot of illness and loss close up. I nursed two of them until their deaths. I’ve also seen family members with illnesses directly related to their diets and/or smoking. I don’t think it’s a controversial or privileged opinion to say the vast majority of life limiting illness is caused by one or more lifestyle choices. It’s a fact.

I find it bizarre when people jump on a comment that was about two people taking care of themselves because they’re older parents!

I know 99% of people on this thread think you can’t be a good parent if you’re older but that’s just not true. My dh’s mum was close to 50 when and his dad was 54 when they had him. They were fantastic parents. They died when DH was in his 40s. He doesn’t feel he missed out on anything.

Do you have children in your life at the moment OP or much experience of being around children? Wondering if you may be looking with rose tinted glasses. People have already mentioned fostering but are there any other ways you could nurture children in your life e.g. volunteering with children’s charity?

Aside from that I wondered whether it’s more about possible regret than an overwhelming urge to have a child? I think it’s normal to have some wistful feelings about roads untraveled, particularly at a point where you have more years behind you than in front. But it sounds like you’re financially secure, have flexible work and few ties, your future could hold many interesting possibilities.

Do you have a vision or any goals for the rest of your life if it didn’t include having a child?

No you really couldn't. you are too old, they would spend their life either being embarrassed that you are so old or worrying about what will happen to them when you die. Don't be selfish just because it would suit your lifestyle now,

I'm not suggesting adoption is easy or wouldn't take a lot of commitment, it can be very rewarding, if you feel that you want to share your life, I'd really consider it.

My niece spent 6 weeks at an orphanage in Africa, she got so much from the experience, she visits every 2nd year.

Yes, I agree. I don't think men should have babies in their 50s.

But the fact does remain that many/most are biologically capable of doing so, whereas women simply aren't. So that's the difference I was referring to.

Putting yourself through months or years of expensive and likely unsuccessful treatment at 53? Knock yourself out.

Having a 70 year old parent at 15? Poor fucking kid...

It seems a very selfish idea. Who would look after the child/ children if anything happens to you? Have you even thought about this?
You are likely to have some health issues within the next 10-15 years j- is it fair to put a child in the role of carer in their teenage years?

I know people say that the message about fertility decline is not clear enough to young women. I wonder though whether the message is pretty clear, but some of us (like me) just less receptive to it; or were banking on finding a suitable partner first, staying hopeful for too long; or were too hopeful that we would personally have better odds than everyone else on conceiving in our 40s.

It's very tough when relationship difficulties get in the way of our life plans. We're not really in control of our lives take shape, even though we have to use the agency we can, and even though people judge us for how things turn out. But sadly we have to just accept this rather than be in denial of it.

But that situation is clearly a baby brought into a big family with two parents, the mother there isn't 53 the father is, and there are older siblings who will be around too, it's not the same situation so not comparable. My mum was a single parent so not saying people can't go it alone but this posters situation is totally different.

I’m sorry but it’s very selfish. The odds of you dying before your child reaches adult hood are so much higher. I lost my mum when she was 47 due to cancer I was 14. Both of us were too young for that experience. You would be 67 when your child is 14, 71 when they hit adulthood. It’s not fair. Are your family long lived? You’d need to plan for a guardian from the off. Also the medical risks to you from carrying someone else’s egg aren’t to be sniffed at.

My husband has lost both his parents, one in his 20s, one in his 30s. It was way too young for him to lose them. They haven’t seen their grandchildren grow up, they missed his sister’s wedding, didn’t meet one of their granddaughters at all. I think having children in your fifties is really selfish. It’s done for you, not them. If you’re lucky and ivf works, your child could be nursing you in their thirties, whilst trying to raise their own young children. It’s really not fair on them.

If you take out the toll on the mother's body as a factor I'd say it's exactly the same for men-if anything it's even more of an issue since men's life expectancy tends to be lower. I actually had an older dad myself who is long gone now so I'm speaking from experience.

Adoption. But even then I’d have questions

Incredibly selfish and verging on the ridiculous

if you “always” wanted a child you should have done it 20 years ago - sperm donation has been around decades

doubt you’d be using your own eggs either so you’d be buying some poor young woman whose been taken advantage of and exploited

not to mention the effect on any resulting child