To ask opinions on IVF at 53

[DrenchSal]

I’ve been considering it

i won’t be offended with anything negative - I just want honesty

Can’t you get a dog OP? I’m 46 and just the thought of pregnancy, baby, toddler again now makes me feel like dying of exhaustion.

But if you go for it, I hope you have a healthy pregnancy etc, and motherhood gives you what you feel you’re missing.

I think you know it is not a good idea. For your age alone I would not consider it, but no partner, no close family or wider community .. sorry, I think it would be cruel to the child.

Instead of IVF at the age of 53, consider therapy.

Consider that you may be trying to address your own feelings of being unanchored (you mention not having children already and having no living family) by bringing a child into the world to root you and make you feel part of something greater than yourself.

When you die, (which may well be while a child is still young), you leave them without any birth family or genetic links. They are completely alone in this world and either at the mercy of the care system or having to bury their only living relative in early adulthood after potentially spending their teenage/early adult years giving up their own life and freedom to be a carer for you.

So hurray, feel free to have a child at 54. I hope you take comfort in knowing you will have saved yourself by condemning an innocent child to far worse than whatever emptiness you yourself are experiencing.

Wow. It wasn’t like that when I was ttc in 2012

dh had dc tho adults and I had none and due to him I lost my nhs go

maybe law has changed in the last 10yrs +

tho article says offered and eligible …….

bmi has. Used to be 25 cut off for nhs. Now saying up to 30

private don’t care about bmi

In all likelihood, OP will be experiencing declining health and energy levels when the child in in their teens or twenties. The child will have an elderly parent while they are still in their teens.

Young adults usually still have a strong relationship with their parents unless something goes wrong. Have parents there for university, first job, first house marriage etc. it’s sad when parents aren’t there for these milestones. OP is unlikely to be an involved grandparent - indeed she might not be alive for the grandchild’s birth.

it’s not ridiculous to have a relationship with your parents beyond 18 - most people do.

This is the answer. You get to have a child and do something wonderful at zero risk to yourself or the child.

I'm sorry to say I don't think it's a good idea. Even when you have a partner and family support parenting is incredibly difficult at times. With your age there's a much higher risk that your child would have SEN. I was 32 having my child and had such a rough pregnancy, delivery and aftermath I really wished I'd been younger. I have bounced back somewhat but no chance I'd ever consider having another and I'm not 40 yet.

Don't be a selfish bastard.

I had IVF at 32, baby born at 33, I am 34 now with an 18 month old daughter and I am EXHAUSTED. The IVF process absolutely drained me and I don’t think I’ve recovered from it and pregnancy yet (with a partner and family support on hand). It doesn’t help that baby wasn’t ever a good sleeper and is now an incredibly high energy toddler. If you think you can handle it then give it a go, but from my own experience of the last couple of years I would absolutely not be doing IVF & raising a tiny person at 53 purely from an energy standpoint. My own views about older parents - I think 53 is pushing it a bit honestly. When your child is 18 you’ll be 71, health complications aside, I don’t think I could bring a child into the world knowing that I wouldn’t be around for very long in their life in the grand scheme of things.

Why is it zero risk?

I hate when people suggest adoption as a way to fill a baby shaped hole in someone’s life. Adoption has to be 100% focused on the child’s needs. Adopting any child, especially an older child, is extremely challenging and take considerable parenting skill, dedication, patience, emotional intelligence, compassion and resilience.

here we have an older single lady with no family support who wants to have a baby in her mid to late fifties with no real though to the welfare of that child, and no backup plan to protect that child.

not an ideal candidate to adopt a child surely?

I’m sorry if my comment is upsetting, I hope it isn’t, but 53 is too old to be considering having a baby. You’ve missed the boat. 20-30years ago you should have been exploring other options, not now.

Would you consider adopting a slightly older child who may need the stability and support you can give?

My first thought is, Don't do it!

However there are some exceptions to that, do you have other family members who can help out? Nieces who would happily help if you were unwell, or unable?

How comfortable of a life can you provide for yourself and them? Can you potentially pay for help like a night time nanny? Can you afford for help with housework and childcare as your main support?

I had my youngest when I was 33, and honestly the impact it had on my physical and mental health was quite unexpected.

Without support, and potentially additional risks due to age, I really don't think I'd be open to a baby. Maybe adopting would be better? A child past the baby years maybe?

Yabu. I'd be looking to adopt a child aged 10+ at your age. Kids are exhausting and I think babies are hard at 40+, let alone 50+.

An older child would give them and you a wonderful opportunity, if you are committed to being a parent.

What do you mean "Uk will treat" : which clinic in UK has said they will give you IVF treatment?

But for how long? Having a ‘late’ baby at 44 (he’s now16) definitely makes you realise your own mortality. 3 of my friends have lost their spouses since he was born - all previously fit, healthy and ‘young’, til they weren’t 🥲

Emma Kenny has just had her 4th at age 52 she wanted a sibling for her daughter born 18 months ago. I’m not saying it is right just that OP should know it’s possible but maybe not advisable in her current situation. But ultimately it’s her decision.

You will in your 70s when they start uni. Are you up for driving all over the country for open days then?

Pucking up and dropping off at uni when your 74? Teaching to drive when your 70?

Also don't underestimate how hard teens can be. Could you handle a school refuser teen in your mid sixties?

I'm a well educated and financially secure ex corporate business woman in a posh village. No amount of money will protect you from how kids MH can pan out. I also have two angelic teens so it's random you can't guarantee it won't happen.

Just things to think about. They grow up. They don't stop needing you at 18

I’m really sorry, that would be a no from me. Even if you conceived on the first go, it would be a few months of prep so you would have the baby at 54. Potential congenital issues aside, you would be 72 when the child turns 18.

My own sweet mum was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer completely unexpectedly at 60, and was sadly gone by the time she was 61. Now I’m not saying this would be you, but consider all possibilities.

Age and generational differences aside, as well as potential health issues.. do you really want to be be doing primary school runs through retirement? Children take so much energy, and money. Can you support you both? What would happen to the child if something happened to you? Presumably any relatives who could be an option such as siblings and cousins would be of similar age?

i don’t mean this harshly, but going through this you would be putting yourself before that child future.

And you would probably always have to correct people who’d assumed you’re the grandparent.

Not hideous at all. My granffather was born 1933 completely natural by is 51 year old mum

Sorry, of course adoption carries risks to the Mother, but not the immediate risks of pregnancy and childbirth. Zero risk to the child, though. The child might ruin the mothers life by the mother is unlikely to harm the adopted child.

I'd agree not an ideal person to adopt, but perhaps better than nobody.

IMHO in this situation adopting is way better than IVF.

So yes, you're right.

YABVU. Far too old, incredibly selfish, and really cruel to the child. Plus you’d need “donor” eggs, so some poor 19 year old girl is having eggs retrieved out of her body so a woman approaching pension age can play at motherhood. What a despicable thing to consider.

Emma has two older children in their twenties and a husband. So while I have my own views on this, there is a support network there and wider family.

I think OPs plans to go it completely alone at such an advanced maternal age make this even more of an issue

I'd do it - although of course it depends on your own situation and fitness.

I was in better shape at 55 than I was at 35 - when I actually got pregnant.

I'm now 60, and still more fit and able than people a third my age (I literally have my current contract because younger people couldn't stick it).

My parents both lived to their late 80s and I have no reason to believe I would live anything other than longer than them

My sister is mid-70s and drives all over the country to visit me and other relatives - it's really offensive that people think that age alone means people are incapable of things like driving.

So if you are like me, OP - go for it. If you are already looking forward to retirement and taking it easy - nah, probably not.

Again with the greatest of respect I think it’s very niave to say an adoptive parent is no risk to a child.

let’s say OP takes a 13 year old out of a foster home she has been in for five years. The child is severely traumatized after a childhood of abuse. OP has no apparent parenting experience and really just wanted a baby. Huge potential for damage to that teenage girl whose emotional needs are unlikely to be met.

Fostering and adopting is extremely difficult. I looked into it and decided I just didn’t have the skills necessary and a child deserved better than me. It’s not like lifting a dog from an animal shelter - it’s not a case of any port in a storm. These children deserve parents who can help them, love them, accept them and yes cope with them.

I’m saddened to read such brutal posts on this. Would you talk to someone face to face in this manner?
My husband is 52 and we are expecting our second baby very soon. He is a loving and wonderful father to our 2 year old. Having also had two children earlier in life from a previous relationship (who are now in their late teens), he tells me that he is a much better father this time round…more time, more patience and it’s reinvigorated his zest for life. Obviously everyone will say that it’s different for men…major eye roll but come on, age is not the only determining factor in good parenting. There are plenty in their 20s and 30s who are unfit as parents.