To ask opinions on IVF at 53

[DrenchSal]

I’ve been considering it

i won’t be offended with anything negative - I just want honesty

This isn't about you anymore.

It's the prospect of a 17 yo having a 70yo parent

Or a 19yo having to look after their infirm parent

Or a 21yo having to bury a parent

It's really selfish

I hope I don't sound awful but no. you will be 73 when your child is 20. 83 when he/she will be 30.
I know none of us is guaranteed an old age but to deliberately have a child knowing you won't be around for the vast majority of that child's life is in mho selfish
You will be a single parent and have said you have no back up if something happens to you.
So not only would any child not have another parent they would have literally no one at all.

I think it entirely depends on your health, fitness and how equipped you feel you are to cope. We generally live longer and many people look after their health and fitness. My observation on threads where later motherhood is discussed is that those who had their children when much younger are those who are most critical/disparaging. You find the energy for the things you really want in life and when you're older I think you do have wisdom and experience which is helpful.

I know someone who did, she lives in the uk, not sure if the age would be an issue though and the process is fairly long I think

Sorry to be blunt but at 53 you do not know what your health will be like as you get older. I know you can get ill any age but as you get older your chances of this increase, I know from personal experience. Healthy until age 49, then diagnosed with breast cancer, having surgery then treatment, two years later had a total hysterectomy, plus last 5 years suffering from chronic Achilles tendonopothy. I was so glad my kids were in their late teens when this started so they could fend for themselves and help me

Saying someone is selfish to not be around for the majority of their child's life when that child will be an adult is verging on the ridiculous.

I hope I don't sound awful but no. you will be 73 when your child is 20. 83 when he/she will be 30.

She would be older as she is 53 now and hasn’t even started the process which could take at least a couple of years from start to birth if successful

I'm sorry that there isn't a way to say this that doesn't sound cruel but if you wanted a child, you should have put the child first at a point that it was inconvenient to you to be a mother, not waited until the point that it suited you but impacts on them more.

Ultimately there is a significantly greater risk that they will lose you sooner than their peers or need to do care tasks and may be left with no family and potentially go into the care system. That decision to wait was not in their best interest. I'm sorry.

My grandma was 50 when I was born and she was the most amazing, nurturing person you could ever want in your life. I was lucky enough to have her until I was 34, but in that time I went from the nurtured to the nurturer. This was natural and expected, and I still had my mum. If she had been my mother at that age though it would have been so hard.

Sorry but I don’t think it would be fair, although I’m sure there are many other ways you could make a huge difference to a young person’s life.

Gently OP , I absolutely wouldn't. DH and I are childless but with lots of nieces and nephews.the eldest niece close to us was born when I was 27, and spent one night a week with us every week from 2 weeks old until she was about 17. Her younger sister was born 10 years later when I was 37 and also stayed with us every week from about 18 months. The sheer difference in our energy levels over these ten years was eye-opening. And there were two of us, and both girls were pretty easy. When you add in that you're 53 , and you say that you have no family, what would happen if you were to die or suffer a life changing illness while your child was still young? I know that that could happen at any age, but statistically it's much more likely in your 50s than in your 30s. That really wouldn't be fair on the child. Then add in the increased risks of having a child with a disability and it's a hard no from me.

I think it’s an awful idea. No wider family. Single, elderly parent. Fortunately, it’s unlikely to work, anyway. (You said you wanted honest opinions).

How are you feeling physically in yourself? And how is your family's health, do you think your chances are good to be healthy and sharp in your 80's? I had my second DC at 45 (met DH fairly late I didn't plan to leave it so late) he's now 3 and I'm often knackered. I don't remember being this tired with my eldest & I don't remember being this tired when he was a newborn either so I don't know if it's perimenopause hitting me hard, my age or if it's just my particular 3 year old. At 45 I felt like superwoman even with a newborn. Now, not so much. Whether its peri or a 3 year old it's hit me hard, much harder than I expected. Things can change more, and more quickly than you expect so I think it would be wise to think/prepare for that, and what would you do if you were ill etc. 53 would be too old for me personally, however I am coming from a position of privilege in that I already have DC, and the fact that I'm knackered now never mind thinking about where I'll be energy wise in 10-15 years time probably also colours my view. Had I been in your shoes I may have felt differently. I wish you all the best OP and hope everything works out whatever you decide.

How old are you @Needtosoundoffandbreathe? And are your parents still alive?
those of us born to older parents that died when we were early 20’s have a very different perspective on this debate!

Trying to take my personal feelings out of it (I can’t think of anything worse than having a baby at that age!) I think you’ve left it too late to be starting out on a journey that would very likely take years.

Most people are into their 60s before their parents die. A child growing up with no family because all their elderly mother’s family are all already dead, and zero family on your dad’s side because your mother chose deliberately to have a child with no father… it’s one thing to deal with it if that’s how the chips fall, but to chose it just so you can have a pregnancy and a baby is selfish in my opinion. Would she be able to play with/help with her grandkids?

This!

Im sorry but none of this makes sense and doesn’t sound like you have much idea of what it will entail. Surely using your own eggs is a complete non starter. If you somehow did, the risk of genetic issues would be through the roof. The risk of Down syndrome by late 40s is already 1 in 10.

If you’re really honest with yourself surely if this was a big priority you would have already pursued having a child.

You're going to be 73-74 when your child is JUST becoming an adult, going out drinking, needing lifts places, helping to understand bills, legal documents, perhaps finding university housing which might not even be in the same city...are you willing to drive possibly hundreds of miles to visit at that age?

10 years later when they're 30 and possibly getting married, are you going to be alive to be a guest at it?

My mother was 49 when she had me, and she died when I was 12. I and my 19 year old brother were left to get on with it, none of the family stepped up to help us. I have various health problems which may or may not be down to my mother's age/health at conception.

I would say to you please don't do it - it isn't fair to your child for so many reasons.

Adults can still need their parents too. Obviously not in the way that a child does, but you’re a parent for the rest of your life, there’s not a switch that goes off when they’re 18.

May seem I'm in the minority but if you can give a child love, stability and finances are not an issue AND you have support then I say why not? Children need loving and stable homes and they came in all shapes and sizes. If you're healthy and fit and will prioritise your child then why not? There are a lot of young parents that are not able to give their child the life they deserve and no one knows when any of us are going to die so I don't really see age being an issue. It's only an issue if you're not a healthy person and have no support as babies and toddlers are very hard work! But if you're confident in raising a child then why not!? I don't think people can judge.
Or maybe consider adoption? I'm a social worker and a little girl (age 8) who I support has been adopted by a 52 year old lady and watching their bond grow has honestly been magical.
I say do what your heart is telling you and don't live with regrets.

good luck to you!

Excellent. Adopt.

OP I think most of the comments on here are trying to be honest but some read as overly harsh and bordering on cruel. Sticking with facts, you mention this is the early stages of your thinking so in reality you are talking about IVF at 54 and a newborn at 55. You also state you are single so you have no back up through all the sleepless nights, a difficult birth or sudden illness.

if you were very wealthy and happy to use a surrogate then perhaps there is a way forward but as others have said is this really fair on the child? You mention you could give a child a good life, there are plenty out there enduring shitty lives, you could make a real difference to one (or two) of them if you felt able to.

A friend of mine adopted as a single mum. She then adopted again when the birth mum had a second child.

I’ve been having IVF for years and at reception you check in using your date of birth. A lady checked in the other day in front of me and her date of birth made her 53. So it does happen (with donor eggs.. own eggs wouldn’t work at that age I doubt).

IVF can take years to work. You hear a lot of stories or it working first time for some people but for a good chunk of people it is trial and error and a numbers game which takes a lot of time.

I’m sorry you’re not getting the answers you want to hear. It is so hard to want a child and not have one. I hope you are able to get some support. Maybe try a fertility related counsellor who might help you process your thoughts and feelings? I feel like they have a deeper understanding of the feelings involved than a normal counsellor x

I had my DC at 41. DC 15 soon. I look back and think how incredibly selfish I was. I have health problems now, that I couldn't predict. We are much older than DC's friends' parents. DC has no grandparents - only had my mother to age 12,who developed dementia when DC was young.
Dad is 61 - he has found being a parent VERY hard. Our (36 yr) relationship has been pushed to the brink as a result.
I adore my DC but feel very guilty.