To ask opinions on IVF at 53

[DrenchSal]

I’ve been considering it

i won’t be offended with anything negative - I just want honesty

A friend had ivf at 49. It worked first time and she’s a fantastic mum to twins. She works very hard to stay fit and healthy as does her DH and neither look like they’re in their 50s. They’re very fit and don’t seem like old parents at all. I think it really depends on you, your lifestyle, health, fitness etc. And of course, how much you want a child.

You asked for honesty so here goes… my dad died when he was 58. Anyone who actively tries to conceive at your age is selfish in my opinion.

With two parents there is at least some reliance if the worst happens. OP would be doing this alone.

Surely she would be buying/getting them at 53?

Plus she has no family or support network so if she died before the child is 18 then they'll be taken into local authority care. That's an absolutely cruel thing to do willingly to a young child.

I really don’t think is fair on the child

I became a Granny at 53.
I look after my(now two of) grandchildren .. two or three days a week. I'm fit (work with children, play sports, etc) and have decades of experience with my own four...

And I'm still knackered after my days with them! BUT I can hand them back at some point in the day, I don;t have to do the broken nights, and only have sleepovers when I choose.

To even contemplate trying to have your own at 53 with no partner or family back up is frankly insane. If it succeeded by some miracle, your child would be parentless in their 20s most likely and probably having to care for you before then. Not fair on anyone.

I'm 10 years younger than you and there's no way in hell I'd have one now. I know death can happen at any age but I'd worry being older that I'd die and leave a young child behind. Imagine how traumatic that would be for your child having to grow up without their mum because of the choice you made. Think it would be really selfish to have a baby at your age, your kid won't thank you for it either. Dont want to come across as harsh but its reality

I'm 10 years younger than you and there's no way in hell I'd have one now. I know death can happen at any age but I'd worry being older that I'd die and leave a young child behind. Imagine how traumatic that would be for your child having to grow up without their mum because of the choice you made. Think it would be really selfish to have a baby at your age, your kid won't thank you for it either. Dont want to come across as harsh but its reality

Honestly?

Slow clap… Theyre looking after themselves. Great.
Except that staying healthy is more if a lottery and down to chance rather than ‘if I’m looking after myself, I’ll never get ill’.

But I think that unless people get ill, they don’t quite get it unfortunately 😢😢

I had my 1st at 21, last at 27. I sailed through the sleepless nights, teething, toddler years. My eldest followed the same path and made me a grandmother at 42. Now aged 55, I've got 4 of the little darlings and having them overnight nearly kills me, and takes me days to recover from. I'm simply too old for sleep deprivation.

I don't get your answer here @DrenchSal - are you saying it's ok to get into IVF and have a baby without knowing you 100% want to do it?! Just not adopt/foster? I'd really hope you'd fully think it through for the sake of the potential child.

Biology aside ... I think it also depends on the person situation.

With no partner or ready made 'back up' - this would be difficult and higher risk for isolation for mum and baby.

Also- financial... You'd want quite a nest egg. It's always assumed that older people would have more money and be more settled in career etc but this may not actually be the case. A younger parent has years of earning potential. Obviously, an older parent has less.

By the time I was 25, both my parents were dead. They were fit. My dad was playing championship squash in his 60s. My mother never learned to drive so walked absolutely everywhere.

As long as you don't mind abandoning your kids pretty much as soon as they reach adulthood, and any grandchildren that might be on the horizon, knock yourself out.

Narcissistic and selfish. Give your head a wobble.

It's too late.
Would you consider fostering or adoption? There are children of all ages who need a home. It might be a better fit for this stage of life if you are committed and motivated.

I'm 45 with a 5 year old. When I gave birth to him the doctor told me another pregnancy would probably kill me. (TBF it was a horrendous pregnancy and I had lots of problems after).
If I'd had DS any later I might not be here. There are so many risks as an older mum to you and your child and I don't think it's fair even if you are both healthy. You might not even see your child's 21st birthday
Is fostering an option?

You'd need donor eggs. The process of egg retrieval is invasive and risks the health of the donor. I doubt anyone would give you their eggs for free.
So no, I don't think you should do it.

I took 2 granddaughters on. One was 16 months, the other I had from birth. They’re 5 and 6 now and I’m your age.

Im exhausted. All. Of. The. Time.

I should be slowing down, instead I have a whirlwind of school, activities, doctors, childhood illnesses.

Honestly. Think really hard about this

Of course there are exceptions (like some cancers) but most life limiting diseases are related to poor diet, upfs, smoking, alcohol and not enough exercise.Those things are choices and in everyone’s control so not a lottery.

it is so very unlikely to happen, kindly. I genuinely am curious as to why you didn’t entertain the thought 10 years ago if you really wanted a child. Also curious to hear other thoughts on the age cap of conceiving. It isn’t something I would think about post 42

My parents had me at 40. I lost my mum at 27. She never saw me marry or get my first home. I have left it too late for children (not that I really wanted them) but I couldn't do it knowing how hard it was for me.

You still cannot dispute the fact that they are old. They may be a fit 50 something but things start to happen once you are in your 50s/60s and beyond. You can only look after yourself up to a point. Aging does happen regardless of lifestyle!

op I think it's massively selfish to have a child in your mid 50s (if it works) and I cannot get my head around that any clinic would go ahead with it.

I think it would be incredibly selfish. You are 52 now. The youngest you would be to give birth is 54 given that intervention would be needed. That would make you 70 years old when your child is sitting GCSE's, navigating relationships, smoking, drugs, all the temptations that they are exposed to at that time, you'd be responsible for taking them to sport clubs at ungodly hours of the weekend and stand on the sidelines in pouring rain - every day, without a partner or close family for back up. It is relentless even with help.
Financially - do you have the means to support your child through university when you are 75? My DD spends £10k a year just on rent which is no where near covered by student loans.