To ask opinions on IVF at 53

[DrenchSal]

I’ve been considering it

i won’t be offended with anything negative - I just want honesty

You are too old.

Whatever may or may not happen age isn’t a factor in that you could be fine thrive and enjoy a happy family. For you now it’s about the unknown.Maybe think about doing a child care course . Spend time in a day nursery with young children and see how it feels on a practical level . At the very least it will prepare you for the energy levels required and some valuable information in preparation for your own little one . All the best whatever you decide to do

Not fair on the child. How about fostering someone older?

It must be hard to hear (even though you’ve made clear you’re open to negative responses) but no, no way. My mum had me aged 42 and even then she was unable / unwilling to do anything energetic with me like playing tennis (despite being fairly fit and in good health). She found it hard to make friends with other school mums and was isolated as a result. She was ill-equipped for the kinds of pressures and risks that were relevant to me as a teen because home PCs hadn’t even been a thing when my sister (12 years older) was a teenager. She hasn’t chosen to offer any practical help as a grandparent because she’d find it too tiring.

There are lots of disclaimers to make here:

(1) I love her, she’s a great mum, she gave me so much and I had an amazing start in life.
(2) No one would bat an eyelid at a 42 year old mum today, even a first-time mum.
(3) Everyone is different: of course there are a ton of people doing triathlons in their 40s/50s/60s, grandparents caring for grandchildren into their 80s, etc. etc.

But this is my view. I’m 38 and have 3 children and I feel SO much older since having them. I’m fairly fit and healthy but my energy levels are poor, I need so much sleep to function, I can already feel my joints, skin, bladder function etc. declining. You couldn’t pay me to have another one in 10 years.

I wish you the very, very best if you decide to have one, but my hope is that you find what you’re looking for from something else.

Foster older child?

OP - generally I would echo previous posters points. However - I have a wonderful family friend who had her only child at age 53 naturally. He was so wanted and is thriving - he's 20 now x

I am really very sorry to say that it doesn’t seem like you are taking a balanced view here. It seems that you are only interested in responses that are positive, when in reality the exceptions to the rule are not what you ought to base a decision on… there is a child’s potential life to consider, not just your own fantasy of what it would be like to be pregnant and have a baby. It’s like saying “I’m not any more likely to die/struggle than a 20 year old - some mums die that young/struggle too!”

I know that might sound harsh, but that is how your responses are coming across.

When you donate eggs you can’t specify who is lucky enough to receive them !

^^This. I know it must really hurt, when you're yearning for the child you've never had. But especially with no other family members around for support, I think that to have a baby mid-50s would not only be very tough on you but extremely tough on the child, no matter how loved and well cared-for they were.

I really really wouldn’t. The consequences of potential negative outcomes would be too severe for me to risk now, at 47, let alone any older.

You could fail- that would be heartbreaking. Very difficult to go through. You could succeed and then develop a fatal or chronic illness when the child/ren is very young, leaving them orphaned or young carers. You could succeed and have a child with life-changing additional needs. You could succeed and regret the upheaval and sacrifices in your life, or find the demands of a child are more than you want to deal with physically.

Rather, why not direct your resources and energy into something like mentoring, or train as a youth counsellor or a coach or something. You could make a real difference to children or young people doing that.

No. There’s a reason we naturally stop being able to fall pregnant beyond a certain age.

Unfair to the child.

Also I don’t think any fertility service in this country would agree to egg donation at this age you would have to have it done outside the UK . The UK has the strictest laws around egg donation and IVF

I don’t see why you can’t try ? We are biologically younger. I think its rather condescending of people to say “ it’s far to difficult you’ll be exhausted” because yo are exhausted at any age.

I don’t consider it selfish. People have children without any money, job security, rely on the Government, without any housing, without an education, without even knowing how to cook. Yours sounds like they would be secure, loved and cherished with a parent who has emotional maturity on their side.

Don’t wait around, get the ball rolling.

You say you could give them a good life. I'm presuming you mean because you are financially stable.

But it takes more than money to raise a child.

You are too old. I really feel for you. But I don't think it's fair on the child.

My dad had me age 40 and I was fully aware he was alot older than alot of parents, he was 50 when I was 10 and not much older than some of my friends grandparents. I used to worry myself sick that he was going to die when I was young.

And your future child... What about when they grow up? And you're not there to share their life with? Having children of their own? Getting married. It's very likely you may not be around.

My take might be different here.
I had my dcs in my early 30s but I got chronically ill when dc2 was 2yo.

I have to say I’m now a similar age than @DrenchSal and having a child now …. is just unthinkable.
Not because I couldn’t cope myself (I certainly can’t) but because it has made me very aware of the fragility of HEALTH.
Anyone can get ill and struggle to look after their dcs. What would you do if you’re a single parent? Knowing the HEALTH SPAN is 65yo (so your dc would be in early teen then), and you have 50% chance to have developed a chronic illness by then, how are you going to cope with it? It mean, it migut be somethimg quite manageable. Or it might not (my own illness meant I would have struggled A LOT wo dh by the time dcs were teens. Theyd have ended up as my carer or at least taking on responsibilities teens dint normally have).

I think the risk of ending up in that position are just much higher as an older parent at 53yo than it is if you’re 30s. Just like the risk of SN is higher etc….

And that something to consider too regardkess of the ‘I’m in my 60/70s agd feel great. I’m still very active and look after my grandchildren blablabla).
If you dig a bit, you also have many older parent (usually men) who will tell you they’re struggling to cope energy wise etc…. And that’s with a younger spouse who can absorb a lot of that….

Hi OP, only you know if you have the energy and health to potentially cope with the tiring early years. There are many parents who need manual support and assistance due to life limiting conditions, so there are provisions if needed.

I found IVF brutal. I went through at 37-41, and found it battered me physically and mentally. After miscarriages during it, I was lucky enough to have one child as a result.
I didn't find the early months of babyhood too tough, probably after the IVF - this has been the hardest thing I've been through so far.

Good luck with whatever route and decision you take - your journey is unique to you, and probably can't be comprehended by some people who had their children early and easily.

Interstitial - was she single? How are they coping now she’s going into her 70s

OP I froze my eggs and always planned to use them but I’m 47 now and have decided not to and am frankly amazed at how happy I am with that decision. For me the moment for having children has passed - a road not taken but I took other roads and now there are lots more roads to take. I’m not bereft at all and I genuinely thought that I would be!!

Women do have babies in their 50s it’s not as uncommon as people think. However I think you really need to consider the consequences to not only you but your child

• Increased risk of birth defects
• your age - I had my last at 42 but in my 50s I honestly don’t think I’d have the energy needed to provide everything a growing child needs, especially if special needs are involved. You will be doing everything yourself, night feeds, sickness, school runs, play dates, clubs.
• you might be fit now but pregnancy is very hard on the body.
• Lack of family support, DH and I don’t have any, but there are 2 of us and it’s still very very hard.
• Friendships - are you willing to make friends with probably much younger parents to build up your child’s friendship group.
• Also are your friends going to want to spend time with babies/young children?
• Mortality - what happens to your child if something happens to you? you have no partner or family, the chances is this child will end up in care. Like you many people don’t think they could adopt or foster so you risk leaving a child in an underfunded broken care system. This would be my biggest fear over anything else.
• old age, is it fair to turn your child into your career, which inevitably they will become. I think with older parents who already have children, partners and family support it’s different, but this would just be you and your child with no support.

These would be what I would think about.

@FancyLimePoet
Biologcally younger? OP is 53. Whether or not OP is fit and well, in good shape and a life long non-smoker or drinker is immaterial. OP is chronologically 53, with all of the associated invisible pathological deteriorations, regardless of whether OP has had aesthetic tweakments. It’s a downright selfish idea to purposely set out at 53 to give birth with donor eggs and sperm as a single woman.

Sorry but if you have no back up plan or family I think you would be extremely selfish to have a baby at your age. Whilst you're clearly not in your dotage you need to consider what would happen to your child if you became ill or worse case scenario had a terminal illness. The older you are the more likely to experience something like this.

I agree with other posters about the toll on your body. However, it isn't that unusual for women's bodies to have one last burst of fertility. I had a friend at uni who was born when her mum was your age. You'd need lots of support from friends and family, and some willing 'god parents' in the child's life, in case anything happened to you. Besides which, plenty of grandparents end up as full time carers to their grandchildren at older ages than yours. Best wishes to you, whatever you decide

I agree with other posters about the toll on your body. However, it isn't that unusual for women's bodies to have one last burst of fertility. I had a friend at uni who was born when her mum was your age. You'd need lots of support from friends and family, and some willing 'god parents' in the child's life, in case anything happened to you. Besides which, plenty of grandparents end up as full time carers to their grandchildren at older ages than yours. Best wishes to you, whatever you decide

A no from me. I think it’s one thing to have a child in your 40s (and my mum found that really hard to manage in terms of energy levels, sleep etc), but 53 is really a different ball game. If you have no living family and something happens to you, the child would have nobody. Added to that it wouldn’t be related to you and you’re creating this child to be basically alone in the world. I think it’s pretty cruel.

Excellent suggestion

You seem intelligent, but it also seems odd posting before deciding on own or donor eggs. You said you're early stages, but this is apparent from a quick Google! Own egg would be <1% chance. And you'd spend approx £50 000 to back that <1% (4 x rounds min of egg collection and PGT and implant).

If you do go ahead read
We Are Family: The Modern Transformation of Parents and Children https://share.google/sZWNwjEomLiWAtz43