To ask opinions on IVF at 53

[DrenchSal]

I’ve been considering it

i won’t be offended with anything negative - I just want honesty

Don’t be so ridiculous OP - is this even real?

If would be highly unlikely to work unless you would be using doner eggs.

No guarantees that younger mums won't die while the child is young. As long as you have a guardian to step in there's no reason you can't have a baby.

You'd have to go abroad! We did this at 43 and it was fine, but I'm now 61 with17 year olds and not great at keeping up cycling etc. Luckily I have a fit DH who is 5 years younger!

It was fine having twins in my 40s but I was lucky they amused each other and slept through from a few weeks old! Some babies are much more demanding! Even so, I'm not sure I'd have been as capable ten years later. I'd be inclined to say no, especially if you have no support or a plan B if anything happens.

That said, we are all thinking of ourselves to bring kids into this world, and I am so grateful to have mine, so I understand your longing. Not sure i agree about fostering or adopting, you get damaged children who need even more support and experience, it's not something to go into lightly.

Good luck....

Utterly selfish, stupid and cruel, but I expect you know that.

So - what would happen to the child if you became seriously ill or even passed away?

Also very selfish. Imagine being the child, having your 70 year old dad rock up at school for parents evening. Mortifying.

The thought of having a baby at that age makes my blood run cold !

I have 3 - had my first 2 in my mid 20s, my third is nearly 2 and I had him at nearly 34. The physical differences (for me) between having a baby in my twenties and in my thirties were enormous - it was so much harder work, I was more tired, more sick and I took quite a while to recover physically after the birth, whereas with my first two I was out pushing a pram within 12 hours of giving birth. And the thought of chasing a toddler round in your mid fifties.....!

I agree. It wouldn't be fair on the child.

Honestly having my DS at 27 was exhausting enough and I could still do cartwheels and play all day. The very thought of it now though ...

That's if you are lucky enough to have a normal pregnancy and a healthy baby.

Might fostering or adoption of any older child be a possibility?

I’d say it’s very unlikely to work unless you use donor eggs. My husband is 51 and we’re considering a third (he was 47, 49 when our kids were born after needing IVF ourselves). I would say it’s a very emotional and hard thing to go through and can take time - we needed 3 cycles before we got pregnant with my first and you normally have to wait 2-3 months between failed cycles and the next treatment so you may be even older.

A baby at 53 WTF are you fucking crazy
get a dog or a cat or take up a hobby

my ex had a baby with his partner he was 52
while i appreciate its different for men
he has aged 20 years in 5 years

just no absolutely no

I’m 52 I couldn’t think of anything worse even having a kid even at 40 I think is to old ( definitely to old for me )

i has my son at 20.
at 40 ( my age) he is a young man
at 52 ( my age ) he has got his own house and career
having a baby at my age now is just all sorts of wrong

@DrenchSal
I really feel for you, because to be thinking about this and to ask on mumsnet, you must really have wanted - and still want - a child.
My advice to you would be to think long and hard about how physically energetic and mentally sharp you will feel through your 60s.
Although that's difficult to predict, I know.
It's just that I had my 2nd baby at 40, and at the time I felt so very young. I was brimming with energy! And that made me feel like my age was irrelevant. Everyone told me I seemed years younger than a 40 year old and I felt younger than 40 too. I look back at pictures of myself with my newborn and I looked way younger than my 40 years.
Fast forward 15 years and I am absolutely exhausted. I feel old. I look old. My energy levels have sunk. I'm mentally much more tired. I can genuinely feel both my physical health and my brain slowing right down. I need so much more rest. I get so much more worn out. I get much more mentally overloaded much more easily. And this has only been in my early to mid 50s. Yet I'm fit, slim, healthy, with no chronic health conditions, I'm not on any prescribed medication. But I'm struggling now to keep up with my teenage DC. They are SO MUCH HARDER WORK as teenagers than they were as young children!!!! The baby and young children years were a walk in the park compared to the level of non stop parenting and looking after they require, the input, guidance, monitoring, teaching, talking through things, advising, helping them navigate relationship challenges, supporting them with their school work, dealing with their mood swings, their mess, the shift in their body clocks staying awake till late then wanting to sleep in till 10am when they can't cos it's a school day, the amount I'm constantly having to motivate and encourage and guide them, and the extraordinary financial expense of their clothes/shoes/coats/ENDLESS FOOD/sports clubs/spending money/phones/transport costs/socialising costs.....you are basically funding the full living expenses of another adult - they're not an adult but they are as expensive as funding another adult, in some ways more expensive because every 6 months theyve grown againand you have to buy new shoes/trainers/clothes/coats/sportswear all over again! The teenage years are bloody hard work. And I say that as a mum who adores having children. I adore being a mother. Meaning I don't resent any of this, it's what having children entails and I take it all as a package. I love them to absolute pieces. I couldn't love my children any more! So my point is, if I'm struggling with my physical energy and mental acuity whilst rearing teenagers and all the challenges they bring in my mid 50s, then I would suggest to you that you project into your future and think about dealing with all this in your late 60s and early 70s.
It's not about how you feel now.
It's about how you will feel in 10, 15, 20 years from now.
Kids these days seem to need parental support for so much longer than we did as kids, which is another thing to consider.

Obviously anyone can die at any age but older people are more likely to have issues. Having chronic debilitating issues will impact a lot on a younger child.

Personally I wouldn’t. Had my 2 DC in late 20’s & that was exhausting enough with a rough pregnancy & then sleepless nights, teen years etc. I’m now mid 50’s with kids in their late 20’s. I’m knackered just from working & wouldn’t want to be bringing up babies at my age. I’m hoping to retire when you’d still be in the teen years. Each to their own but not for me. Good luck with your decision

I don't agree with it past 40 years old, tbh, and definitely not over 45 years old.
If you aren't able to have children naturally past 40, then you shouldn't have them via IVF, etc. There's a reason our fertility falls drastically from 35 +. Adopt, if you must.

Hi I had ivf with donor eggs and after a significant number of rounds conceived at 44. Had I not been successful at that attempt I was prepared to have grief counselling as I believed that primarily I have to consider the unborn child first I would be over 60 when they hit 16 . Luckily that last one was the charm and we have a healthy happy child. Has never been an issue that we are older in terms of fitness / ability to do things together - and indeed being older has some merits - I have already travelled the world etc. financially more secure.
I would say that our child is aware we are older parents and worries about life expectancy a lot - if you die when you are 70 I will only be x etc . I think on your own with no living family you have to think about what kind of a life your child will have - still not 18 when you are in your 70s.

Many women now don't have their 1st till they are 30, so 34 isn't old.

Maybe you were so tired because you had two children young?
I had mine in my early and mid 30s and felt fine.

But 53? No.

1. How healthy are you?

I know 73 year olds fit as a fiddle, lively, energetic, positive and engaged with life.

I also know 53 year olds who are always tired, want to stay in and talk a lot aboit needing to rest.

1. How done are you with your life?

I'm 40 with a 10yo and very much tired after 10 years! I look forward to being able to retire, book holidays out of term-time, drive around in a van and hike.

Realistically, if you haven't done everything you want to, you won't once you've had a child at 53.

She didn’t - her first child was 10 years ago, when she was 43.

Sorry OP but you have left it too late. If you really wanted a child you would have started this years ago

Yes but crucially younger mums are more likely to have a partner or guardian to step in. It sounds like OP wants to raise them as a single mum.

Oh OP, I wish I could wave a wand and put the clock back.

You know perfectly well (and PPs have described in detail) why this is a very, very risky idea. If you're anything like me, though, no amount of rational advice or common sense will silence the bee in your bonnet, so good luck whatever you decide.

I'm in my 60s now and have to say that despite looking after myself, I'm slowing down and gradually losing energy. Bringing up a child is incredibly hard work, mentally and physically. There are plenty of threads on this. Many young, healthy mothers wonder out loud why they bothered embarking on motherhood.

What do you think about, when you imagine your child? I'm asking because what seems to happen in real life is that people hardly ever get the child they expected (assuming you are successful). It's hard enough adapating to that if you're young and in a solid relationship and have external support, but how would you feel if the child turned out the opposite to what you'd hoped for? How would you cope with the sullen teenage years, if you'd devoted yourself to giving them everything you ever wanted in your own childhood. only to see it completely unappreciated? If all your lovingly shared wisdom was met with contempt? This happens in many parent/child relationships, nothing to do with an age gap, but the age gap might make it harder to bear because of your diminishing energy, especially if you're doing it alone. 💗

I wasn't the child my parents expected, and I am glad that we eventually reached a loving mutual understanding, but it took a lifetime. I mean, a lifetime. If you had a relationship like ours, you might not be around to see it all come to fruition.

I've noticed this really bizarre thing, which is that at age 65 I started wanting a child for the first time in my life. It's probably because I feel safe and settled and comfortable at last, but it did surprise me because I always assumed hormones were what drove this urge. Obviously there is nothing I can do about it.

This is what cats were invented for!!!!!!!!!!!

Go for it! Keep yourself fit and healthy. Everyone saying you’ll be too tired, if you’re single you’ll have plenty of time to sleep not looking after your man’s needs too. I was an older mam but was rarely tired, ate healthily and exercised, it was a doddle. Good luck.

A boy at my kids primary school was fostered by a local couple as a baby, and they were allowed to adopt him later. The parents were lovely but really quite elderly. They had fostered hundred of children over 50 years and I suppose this was the lad's best option.

But once he started secondary the dad had heart trouble and the mum wasn't in great health, and the boy had serious mental health problems due to worrying about them. I understand he was eventually taken in by an aunt - not sure if the parents are still with us, but a difficult situation all round.

I don’t think I could at that age. I had my first when I‘d just turned 24 and second at almost 27. I had a lot more energy with my first and from that I’ve decided I would have any over 30.

Another reason I chose to have dc youngish was because my DM died at 48 when I was 13. I wouldn’t want my dc to go through losing a DP while they were still a child.