To ask opinions on IVF at 53

[DrenchSal]

I’ve been considering it

i won’t be offended with anything negative - I just want honesty

I'm an older mother myself (late 30s) so usually the first to jump to defend older mothers but sorry at 53, I think this is selfish and irresponsible at all levels. I can't find one positive argument for it.

Having children and babies is both exhausting physically and emotionally and pregnancy can wreck havoc on your body. You would have to use donor eggs and sperm donor, meaning you have a child who has no biological connections whatsoever, no idea of knowing where they came from on either side of the family or about family history, illnesses or genetic issues. There was a similar thread on this ages ago about someone who was a donor child and this had left her with life long mental health problems and she was part of a network she linked to, of other donor concieved children who had faced similar traumas of being donor concieved children. It's something that I think a lot of people facing infertility go into denial about.

I also think it's irresponsible to be raising a child with no network or support around you. This going to be isolating for you and your child and being a good 20 years older than most mums, you'll find it hard to make mum friends. Also as everyone has pointed out, you'll be in your 70s when your child is in their 20s. They will be 36 when your turn 90 at the earliest. You're looking at leaving a child young with no family.

If you're so determined of giving a child a "good life" there's a huge need for foster carers for children out there who do desperately need someone to give them a good life rather than you going down this route and the high risk of trauma you'll cause to your own child.

And thats assuming some family members arent child free by choice

You really need to accept it's just too late for you, otherwise you'll get into all sorts of mental stress. As others have suggested, fostering might be an alternative.

Irrespective of how young she looks the chronological age of 54. She could look like Jennifer Anniston, that in itself will not reduce risks of pg at 54 yo

Which of you is the one with the fertility issue? Is it his sperm or your eggs? Have you frozen any embryos? If you are considering IVF, I would advise to freeze embryos as quickly as possible, this will stop the clock from ticking and buy you some time whilst you decide what you want to do.

Madness!! Don't be ridiculous, you should be babysitting your grandchildren at your age not having babies of your own. A friend of mine is currently doing ivf at nearly 42, I'd never tell her but I think even 42 is too old to become a mother. She's had several rounds and only got 1 egg each time which failed. In my opinion if you havent managed to have a child by 40, you've left it too late and it wasnt meant to be.

As joyful and amazing I think having my children is, it's also exhausting, expensive and just constant. I think this having had my children 20 years younger than you are contemplating. I'm not a single mother, I have a fantastic husband who does more than his share, yet I still find it hard. Alone at 53, not a chance. Spend your time, energy and money doing things you enjoy, hobbies, travel. If you want to be around children volunteer at the local playgroup or something, there are many older volunteers at the playgroups I've attended over the years.

Sorry, but I wouldn’t even consider it. You will be permanently exhausted at every stage, and you will forever be mistaken for your DC grandmother. Even with a really close support system in place it would be extremely difficult, and you have to think what would happen to DC if anything happened to you

Absolutely mental, especially with no family support.

I’m really sorry circumstances meant you didn’t have a baby when you were younger but 53 is too old to be having ivf imho.

Don’t do it. You can’t offer a child enough years of your being ‘not really old’, to be fair to them, and you’ve no family back up. Being an orphan is hard. Bring one in your 29s/ 30s is harder. I’m sorry.

They’ll be 18, you’ll be 71, they’ll be taking you to eye injections when they should be going to university or going out clubbing.
Then they’ll be 28 and you’ll be 81 and they’ll be visiting you every weekend and calling care agencies to discuss ordering incontinence pads when they should be concentrating on their career or going on mini breaks with their partner.

I think consider adopting an older child.

Ah I’m sorry you had such a journey with it all but congrats on your daughter! All worth it now I’m sure.

I’m currently going through ivf and this thread has gave me some faith that I have lots of time left and that just because the first cycle doesn’t work doesn’t mean it won’t!

I can see how younger mums say they can’t imagine having them older but if you haven’t had a chance to have kids yet I can definitely see why older mums still do, it’s definitely not one size fits all

From the mother's point of view I can't argue with the opinions expressed. But I can't see the same moral outrage about a single father at 53 from the point of view of the child. One elderly competent parent is arguably better than two younger incompetent parents. If I had no children I would certainly consider fathering a child at 53.

Not 60s in the OP's case. 70s!

I was 'orphaned' aged 20, I'd probably say it's harder to be orphaned before adulthood than afterwards. I had the benefit of being able to process what had happened with adult insight.

We can't live our lives thinking what if such and such happens. I was listening to a podcast recently with a woman who was 107 and she could hold an enthralling conversation. There was also a 93 year old gym freak in the paper the other day, doing hardcore workouts. Many people are working in to their 70s now, and doing physical tasks such as cleaning work or shelf stacking. HRT also helps to keep bones stronger for longer by replacing lost progesterone (but there is a breast cancer risk).

I would make the arguments about an older man as well. Yes he won’t have the same physical impact of a late in life pregnancy, but his life expectancy is shorter and the child still runs a high risk of becoming a carer for an elderly parent in their twenties and thirties - possibly earlier.

That’s totally wrong. Usually if either one had a child they auto lose the nhs free ivf

I had a baby at 47 - no regrets at all. An easy pregnancy and birth. As long as you're fit and healthy go for it. I'm now nearly 75 and my son is 27 - we have a great relationship. These days women don't seem old even in their 70's. Much more to offer - more time and financially established.

I wouldn't do it. It is a lot to go through, a lot of money and a lot of hopes for an uncertain outcome.

Honestly, it’s selfish, you could have gone it alone 10years ago if you knew you wanted children.
My dm died unexpectedly a few days after her 65th birthday same could happen to you and you would be leaving a child alone.

Quality of mens sperm deteriorates with age too

The height of selfishness.

You'll be minimum 54 before a baby is born. You'll be 67 when your DC becomes a teenager. 72 when they reach 18.

You have no family to step in to look after them if you die.

You're not thinking of this choice from the child's perspective at all. Which is the very first thing any good parent does.

Is that legal? I'd be surprised.
My brother and SIL were considering adoption a few years ago after several IVF attempts and they could not even adopt because they were over 50.

There are differences. A younger woman having a child with a 50 year old man doesn’t need donor eggs. I think finding out your mother isn’t biologically related could be an issue for some people.
Also the OP would be a single parent so they won’t have a younger partner to still be there when they die.

Reading through some of your replies I'd say no for a variety of reasons. Firstly your age. Even if you're lucky enough to live a very long life your potential child would have an elderly parent quite young. Thats a lot for them to shoulder.

Added that you're single and have no living family, i could never bring myself into bringing a person into the world where they'd be at risk of being completely on their on in as early as their 20s, maybe even younger. They'd have no family at all once you're gone.

I appreciate this can happen to anyone, but going into it with all this knowledge before you start is a huge responsibility.

So for me, I wouldn't focus on myself wanting a child but instead what future that child would have throughout their own life should you decide to do it. No family, their own children having no maternal family etc. Look at the long game.

I do appreciate though that it must be shit for you to get to this stage in your life and realise that you never had the child you wanted. But please think of the full picture. I mean this kindly, carry that weight and not put it on another human being x