To ask opinions on IVF at 53

[DrenchSal]

I’ve been considering it

i won’t be offended with anything negative - I just want honesty

I'm a solo parent, I am 47 with an 8 year old. Whilst it's the best thing I ever did it's tough doing it completely on your own, even with a great support network around you. I am exhausted and can't even imagine having and caring for a new born/toddler again at this age let alone in 7 + years time. Right now you are thinking about your wants and needs, if you have a child you will be putting their wants and needs first, you will not want this for them, you will not want to leave them in the world on their own, not when they're little, a teen, in their twenties or even in their thirties and if you do this that is something you will worry and feel guilty about for the rest of your life. Some people have suggested adoption or fostering, if it's a baby you want, perhaps fostering is an option, you could give up work and do it as a full time job, look after babies until they are found their forever homes whether through kinship or adoption, if it's a family you'd like maybe consider adopting an older child or older siblings, or long term fostering of older children. There are lots of options but personally I think having a baby alone at your age is completely selfish, sorry.

are you very healthy and strong enough to cope with a pregnancy amd have good finances and support system? If so then why not try or you’ll never know!

I think if you were a woman in a long term relationship who'd been trying to conceive for years, didn't stop trying at 50, and then conceived, it would be acceptable but not ideal.

But to start on a journey approaching mid 50s is not sensible. You'd have to go overseas anyway I think for the IVF as my understanding is no UK Dr would engage with this.

My mum was 34, and was much older than other mums from my peer group (in the 1980s). My mum only lived to her early 70s, so I lost both parents by the time I was 41.

This is the voice of reason

and to add :

national shortage of donor eggs and long wait lists for them too -

IF OP was all systems go on this - likelihood is it will not be successful, and if she has funds and access to eggs to secure multiple rounds she could be pushing 60 !!

Sorry but I don’t think it’s a good idea. You’re much, much older than the ideal for it to work and you’d be 72 when they turn 18! You’d be a pensioner when they were just starting secondary school!

My mum became a grandmother at 57 and she is exhausted looking after her grandson for just one work day a week. She’s even had to take time out of looking after him because it’s so tiring for her.

You’ll be nearly 70 when the kid is a teen. That’s very old.
having said that I know ppl who had in their late 40’s unplanned, but you’re a good 5 years past that.

A fifty three year old body is not really designed to carry a successful pregnancy. And surely the clinic would refuse you as the likelihood of it working would be so slim?

Also I lost my dad when I was a child and I wouldn't wish childhood bereavement on my worst enemy. You'd just be making it more likely. Or burdening a young adult with your care needs.

Oh for goodness sake.

why not try?

Have you read the other posts on why not?

Even if you can, you shouldn't. You are at an age of grandparenting not parenting.

@DrenchSal You say you have looked into this a little.

I doubt you will find a reputable and ethical UK IVF clinic to treat you.

Most of the older women who have done this have gone overseas.

My perspective - I adopted in my late 30s, and adopted a school.aged child.

It was exhausting, but amazingly fulfilling. I am their mum 100%, the biological siruation doesn't matter to either of us.

Her needs were identified and support put in place, unlike a baby. Many adopters who adopt a baby are blind sided if (when?) they turn out to have significant needs. Just about every adoptive parent i know who adopted a child aged 5-8 has exceeded the expectations of when their child was placed.

If you feel you would be unfulfilled without being a parent, at your age I would look at adopting an older child (older being 4-6 in most cases).

They still need a lot of 'babying' and cuddles to fill in for lost experiences. They are still very young and vulnerable. But on the whole their needs are known, and a secure, loving environment enables them to thrive, while you still get to be 'mummy' 100%.

And less of an age gap, which does have an impact.

Also - don’t just think about the baby. Think about the 16 year old when you are 70. I’m sure any parent of a 16 year old will tell you it’s exhausting at a whole another level.

so when people say ‘oh my friend had a baby at 49’ and you think that’s all rosy - how is that friend doing when the cute baby turns into a surly teenager.

I’m 56 and had 3 children between 35 and 41.

My sister had IVF twins at 47 using donor eggs. I think she finds it very hard. I would not want to be back in the pre-school years, but that’s easy for me to say when I have my children.

the early years are brutal, especially if you don’t have a support network to help.

The IVF clinics will try because they are private business-

obviously this is not going to happen in NHS -

if you have money to throw at this, they will take it,

albeit with caveats about the likelihood of success (low) the added costs for older patients such as genetic screening, cost of donor eggs,

Aw SO glad it all worked out for you ! 😊❤️💕

my great grandmother also had twins at 47 - so you’re both in the “47 twins” club 💪

DEFINITELY DOABLE ❤️

If you are serious then first I would get a full medical. Check everything . Not just simple blood test/bp at gp. Really find out that everything is fine and no probelms.
Then make a plan for if something did happen to you. Do you have a partner or close friends who would help.
As far as energy and patience and so on for having a child later in life. Then only you will know if you can cope.
Grandparents become guardians all the time and have to cope with this when older. So it can be done.
Good luck in whatever you decide.

I know someone who had baby at 50 and all
is well. There’s plenty of men having their first child in their 50s or starting a second family, following divorce.
You would need donor egg and sperm.
personally, I would adopt or foster.

I think you need to consider this logically as opposed to emotionally.

I can't have children naturally and IVF was ruled out. Early 40s now and even if there was some miracle available to me, I wouldn't chance it.

You can have a very fulfilling life without children. I'm sure you already now that and if it's not fulfilling at present, that's not due to the absence of children.

IMHO, the health risks to both you and any potential children are too high. You age and the risk factors will go against both of you. The clinic also will want you to use a donor egg. It won't be your biological child.

I normally hate when people suggest fostering or adoption when someone wants their own child but in this instance it's a very good next best alternative.

It eliminates the health risk for you and for the child. You will be healthier without an IVF treatment and the child is already born.

It genuinely could be great for both of you.

You do have my sympathy and I don't wish to be harsh but if this wasn't a priority for you in the last 20-30 years, then it cannot be one now. You were aware of the biological timeline. You chose to ignore it.

Surely every mother wants what's best for their child. You might need to reflect on thst a little more before making your decision.

You have no family help and you want to be a single, first-time parent at 53? No, it’s a bad idea all around. The parenthood ship has sailed and you were not aboard.

The men aren't carrying the baby for 9 months and then giving birth to it however.

And they will very likely have a considerably younger partner to share the parenting.

And even then, 50 is too old to have a baby imo.

If only it were that easy to reason with a child/teenager...

This, for me, is actually the comment that says no, you shouldn't do it. You haven't shown any empathy or consideration about how this will pan out for your child. It's all about what you want.

I was 40 when I had my third child and we struggled to conceive. I was told at 40 that the chances of successful IVF at that age were about 5%. So even if you could find a private clinic who would offer the treatment to you with donor eggs, the chances of a successful outcome are not great. The NHS cut off limit is 42 in the UK and most private clinics it’s 49.

If you do however succeed in a live birth, with no support system this is going to be hard yards. You will be operating on broken and restricted sleep for a couple of years with no respite. When your child is of primary school age and wants to run around in the park with you, you will be almost 60 and after that will have to go home, cook dinner and do all the household chores. You won’t be of the generation of most grandparents for this child, you will be great grandparent generation so will have little in common with the other parents and even grandparents at play groups and the school gates. You won’t live to see your child grow up and have a family of their own - you won’t be able to offer financial or moral suppprt to them when they have their own children and they will be faced with providing care to you at a very early age and then administering your estate and clearing your house at an early age. Your own childhood and teenage years will be 3 generations away from the world your own child is growing up in so the advice and support you give them is unlikely to be helpful.

If you were 53 with a much younger partner, this might be a different equation but in your current circumstances it doesn’t sound a great outcome for either you or the child.

The mere thought of a newborn at that age makes me feel faint with exhaustion. The thought of a teenager well into my 60's is not something i could cope with. But only you know what your physical and mental health can cope with.

Exceptionally selfish. So the poor child won't have a dad or grandparents. And you're old enough to be a grandma. Why would you do that to a child? Who will look after your child when you're ill with age related illness? Or die, as you'll be at least 74 when they're only 20?
There are plenty of kids who need love already in the world.