To ask opinions on IVF at 53

[DrenchSal]

I’ve been considering it

i won’t be offended with anything negative - I just want honesty

Give birth at 54
Child is 18, you're 72

Very unfair on the child to have such elderly parents, potential care issues when they're in their 20s & 30s when they should be building their career, having relationships, maybe starting their own family.

Not to mention the risk to mother & child in the pregnancy

Selfish

Go for it if you really want it, you only get one go on the merry go round. A lovely lady called lisa oxenham on instagram just had her second baby solo a month before her 50th and she is thriving to say the least. At your age donor eggs will be needed i presume but I believe she used her own eggs at 49.

I had a baby on my own at age 43, but naturally conceived (long story). I say this only so you know I understand your longing and am sympathetic to it. I've also always said I wasn't tired, it was an easy pregnancy, and raising him was relentless but utter joy - I had no time for anything but work and my child for at least 7 years and not much until he was a teenager. I am a manically hard worker, I earn well and get by with very little downtime. But I loved it and we were fine, so generally I'm on board with women raising children alone even when they are 40+, provided they are super capable and selfless.
But there is a reason why women have a menopause and men don't - the mother is more important to the survival and good health of the child than the father. You are quite simply too old. I'm sorry but it's just not fair on the child or you. And that's assuming it works out well.

Please try to find some other way to satisfy your nurturing instinct.
Within a few years of menopause you are likely to find the hormonal changes take away the desire for children anyway.

I suspect you have an idealised view of what it could be like. The reality could be very different and a lot of any parenthood is hard slog. I'm now 66, the thought of having to deal with a teen DC fills me with horror. It's a fact of life, that you get tired more easily as you get older, at best. You don't seem to have considered what happens if you develop other, more serious, health issues. Of course, that can happen at any time, but the odds increase with age. What happens if something happens to you? You say you don't have other family around - what then? Also the child is likely to get all sorts of flack for having an 'old Mum' - it matters when you're young. I had it when I was a kid as my Mum was older than the rest (she would have been mid forties at the time).

You’re single and older! TBH I’m not sure there would be any reputable clinic that would accept you! Your child will be teased mercilessly for having a geriatric mum, you’ll have nothing in common with other first time mums. Finally you’ll feel very isolated!

Foster. Or get a dog.

You have no idea how hard this would be and how unfair it would be to a child if you managed to have one.

Foster children, help with groups like the scout movement where you can interact with children but dont put an innocent child through this.

Don't. There's a reason women go through menopause in their fifties.

This is a load of self serving nonsense.

All good rhetoric for you but the poor child would be the one dealing with the consequences.

Doesn't matter how sunny and positive you are, you are starting the child off with a burden to carry and they will have to deal with it.

It's incredibly selfish to deliberately have a child knowing they will have to deal with the consequences. What is wrong with people nowadays, its all about their gratification instead of their responsibilities.

I suspect there are plenty of sites about older parents. I am sure you could give a child a good life, financially, emotionally and materially, but you’ll be on your own. Raising a child is hard, on your own it’s harder, there’s an intensity to it that’s difficult to describe.

As someone a bit older than you, the way I felt at 50 and the way I felt at 60 were very different. Aging takes its toll. Mentally and physically I am not the same person, I don’t have the energy and I don’t have the mental acuity that I had. They’re things you need as a parent.

I don’t think it’s fair to a child, or in their best interests to have an old parent, if there was a much younger partner, possibly, but without that, it’s selfish.

I don’t think your age would stop you being a wonderful parent. It’s fairly common for children to be raised by their grandparents very successfully and at 53 you’d be quite ‘young’ grandparent age.

I think the biggest consideration though is that you are single and without a support network, combined with the physical toll it would take on your body, and emotional toll of IVF / pregnancy possibly not being successful.

Good luck with your decision x

If you were to go ahead it would be very selfish.

Adopt or foster old kids, or younger ones for respite.

I'd worry about you being old unwell and the child ending up being your support.

My father was 53 when I was born and dare I say it, it was embarrassing when I was growing up to have an older dad. He lived until he was 81, and although I was 29, I do feel sad that he wasn’t around for longer.

You would be condemning your child to a long life without a parent. If you live to the expected age for a woman- 85 ish- your child would be late 20s or early 30s at best and possibly be caring for you at a time when they were having a child of their own.

Being realistic, you'd struggle to carry full term when pregnant as the toll on your body would be greater.

I suppose you could argue that being a new parent in your mid 50s is no different to a grandparent raising a child whose parents had died. But it's not something one would do by choice, is it?

I would think of fostering maybe.
Although I do know more than one Grandparent who due to the death of their child is now bringing up a grandchild, one at your age and one in their seventies.

Don’t do it ! They’re not all that!
If you have the energy for a baby then divert that energy into yourself . Enjoy your home and garden, time with friends , the theatre , travel , new hobbies… lots of better ways to spend your latter years than raising a teenager.

How old was your mum?

OP doesn't have the luxury of a partner to step in.

Firstly, I am guessing you would be using donor eggs/ embryos? Or do you have eggs frozen.

parenting is exhausting. I had children in my late 30s and wish I had done in sooner. I would love another but the physical toll of pregnancy cannot be discounted. I feel like no one was truly honest with me about just how hard pregnancy is. Did you know they steal all of the calcium from your teeth?? This would be huge on your body. And without family support that would be extremely difficult. If I look at my parents and in laws most had some form of health related even in their 60s. Whether cancer, heart problems, very bad sciatica. How would you look after a 10 year old in that event?

I can totally understand your need to have a child, but I think you’ve left it too late. Unfortunately.

Furthermore, it’s probably unlikely that IVF would work first time at that age. It would be very stressful and costly.

How old would you be before it worked? If it did at all? You’ll be exhausted with a baby at this age. Teens can be hard work too.

However I think it’s not just about you. What would your child’s life be like if something happened to you when they were a young child? Or even a teenager or young adult? You’ve already said you don’t have much of a support system in place.

It wouldn’t be fair to your child.

I don’t think your age would stop you being a wonderful parent. It’s fairly common for children to be raised by their grandparents very successfully and at 53 you’d be quite ‘young’ grandparent age.

It's not actually.
Not full time unless their mum and dad have died.

OP is 53 now. She could be 55 or older by the time IVF worked, if it did.

I hope you go for it if that’s what you really want to do. I definitely would in your position.

It sounds like your in good position to give you child a good life, it just won’t be perfect. Lots of mums can’t give their kids extended family, aren’t in good health for the whole of their childrens lives etc doesn’t mean their children would’ve been better off not being born.

I feel that I have experience in a lot of what you are asking. You only say that you were thinking about it and wanted opinions.

I am 66 so the age you would be when you have a 10 yr old. I spend a lot of time caring for my 10 yr old niece. She can be exhausting. I also babysit her 3 yr old brother. He is with me for 2 hour stretches. He is less mentally exhausting but it is nice when mum comes out of work and I can say “Aunty will see you tomorrow”.

A close relative, early 30s has had ivf. She was 20 years younger than you and was successful but I was shocked to see how extremely tiring it was. Nerves throughout and the injections were so time consuming. The birth was not without issues. Newborns are a nightmare. That is with a partner around. You would almost certainly have a c section. Imagine being woken multiple times, keeping on top of your housework, cooking healthy meals and doing mountains of washing. That is just the start.

I once read a book about Queen Elizabeth the First. Apparently 4 maids were employed just to rock the royal cradle. It sounds excessive until you have to look after a new born who is just learning to adapt to the world.

I have been looking after a relative’s 8 month old since his mum went back to work. (Yes my home has turned into a full time nursery, but I do like children). I have been with him for up to 8 hours at a time. I cannot imagine doing that without a partner to say - can you watch him while I have a shower/a wee/make a cup of tea.

Back to the 10 year old. Getting her to and from after school activities, negotiating screen time, going on family holidays, choosing school shoes. It is all effort. Fun stuff but it saps your energy. The lucky mums are the ones whose kids want to watch bake off with them. You are more likely to have to learn the names of K-pop stars.

Your idea sounds like a hallmark movie but in real life it sounds like a life-impacting nightmare. If you have enough money to pay for several full- time staff for the next twenty five years, I take it all back.

Did you know they steal all of the calcium from your teeth??

Complete myth and old wives' tale.

After 3 kids my teeth are fine. No fillings since my teens.

7% success rate with donor eggs at that age. High risk of miscarriage also.

I know someone who has just had a baby in her 50s with a surrogate and (presumably) a donor egg. I think it’s too old especially on your own. What would happen if something happened to you and you don’t have a partner or family? If you’ve always wanted to have a baby why wait til you’re in your 50s?!?