To ask opinions on IVF at 53

[DrenchSal]

I’ve been considering it

i won’t be offended with anything negative - I just want honesty

My single biggest fear since having my child is how she will cope when I leave this world. The only thing that makes me feel better is to remind myself that by the time I go she’ll very likely have a partner, possibly her own children etc. to focus on. But honestly the idea of an early death while she’s still relatively young is terrifying because she’s so attached/dependent on me, she’d be absolutely traumatised. She has a very involved dad and extended family but I’m definitely her primary person.

I had her olderish because I wanted financial stability and to enjoy my time before having children etc. It was only after actually having her that I considered the older you are when you have children, the less time you have with them. I don’t know why I didn’t consider it before, but it’s something I think of often now.

Anyway, I wouldn’t at your age just because the risk of something happening before the child is grown enough to cope with the death/serious illness of a parent would be war too high for me.

My friend had a child by IVF at 49, so far so good but you may not really know until the child is 2ish if something is wrong with it, I presume with an older mother the chances of something being wrong with the child is higher so you have to think how you would cope with this on your own

OP I would love it if you’d come back and update in 6 months. I’m getting this vibe off you that nothing that actually loves towards IVF will ever happen. Some people like to indulge crazy ideas a bit more than others would, and I’m feeling that from you. I expect you think you’re deadly serious but there isn’t much to this idea at all

Don't don't don't.

It will be so much harder than you realise. Don't you read the threads on here and see how many women struggle with lack of sleep? How exhausting young children can be?

Without meaning to be unkind, it is likely your health and resilience will decline while you child is still primary aged. I haven't been through menopause, but it sounds like it can be pretty brutal and I wouldnt want to go through that with a young child by choice. I assume at your age your parents are quite elderly and you don't have a partner so you'd be doing it with NO support. Even just pregnancy and birth can be fairly brutal as you get older - i found DC4 MUCH tougher than her siblings and I was more than a decade younger than you.

Have you been responsible for any care for your own parents? Imagine that responsibility being placed on your own child when they are in their twenties and want to be travelling, having fun and meeting people. They wont have a sibling and you have no partner so it would be all on them.

It would be a selfish act. Having children often is really, but in this case I don't think its reasonable on the child.

Tbf, she's responded to me and I'm not supportive. Could be because I'm probably in quite similar life circumstances and NOT contemplating it.

With no partner and no extended family, what are your contingency plans?

If you decided to go ahead you need plans in place. What security will you have in place for a child who potentially could be orphaned at a young age? If you were to become ill are you able to afford care packages that do not rely on a child becoming your unofficial carer?

The heart wants what the heart wants but reality doesn’t always mean that you get that.

I’m child free, slightly younger than you and absolutely knackered. Sometimes getting out of bed, commuting, a full day in the office feels too much; adding a child and all that additional pressure would be too much, but I’m not you.

There are no guarantees in life but most younger parents live long enough to see their children well into adulthood and most people start experiencing health problems as they age. The OP will be 72 when her child is 18. It's always lovely to hear of people in their late 80's - 90's fit as ever, sharp as a tack but most likely there is more of a " guarantee" of health declining. The OP will also be alone. Your mum sounds lovely and like an amazing grandparent but she isn't raising your nephew his mother is. In your BIL case is not always what's best for him and makes him the happiest but what best for the child long- term, after their childhood.

Could you link to the evidence where blood cancer is a known side effect of IVF? I have had multiple rounds of IVF. At least 6 of my friends have had IVF over the past 15 years. You’d think at least one of us would have got blood cancer by now if it was a known side effect that could happen even as soon as 4 years of treatment? (You’d also expect Google to bring up some search results. But I’m sure you know where the evidence is for me to look at).

You make it sound like a business opportunity, for your benefit only?
this is another humans life you’re referring to….you can’t just program in its outcome 🙄

I appreciate that you may want your own child but pregnancy/childbirth are exhausting, never mind baby/toddler. It strikes me that someone with maturity and life experience would be a fantastic foster parent to an older child who needs a loving parent who wants to have a child.

It would be beyond selfish, especially with no family.

Personally, I think it would be extremely tiring. I’m 55 and counting down to retiring. My kids are 15 and 17 and I’m just about getting through the week as it is. For me, there has been a dramatic reduction in energy in the past few years. I do all I can, exercise, don’t drink alcohol, stay a healthy weight, take HRT, vitamins etc. It’s still very hard working full time. A young child in the mix would be unbearable.

I know everyone is different, but I think you’re too old. Sorry.

Somebody above said they had their baby at 39 which they said was pretty old. It's not!
Its very sad about the example of IVF above where the 56 year old had a stroke - this is why excellent health and fitness would be paramount to any woman undertaking this. And multiple pregnancies are much harder and riskier generally.
Also someone mentioned labour - I very much doubt any hospital in the UK would allow a first time mum of 53 to labour naturally, it would be a planned c-section I'm sure.

I had ds at 40. I am now a LP but my dm lives nearby and helped a lot when he was younger. I’m now your age. 50’s are very different to 40’s. Would never do it without others to fall back on in case of illness/emergency or worse. It’s also incredibly gruelling having a baby on your own even for the strongest of us x

As a child that had much older parenst, I say NO.

Honestly, I think it is selfish. You are not thinking about what is best for the child.

A successful and healthy pregnancy at your age is not impossible but it is unlikely. Can you cope with a disabled child, a disabled teen when you are mid to late 60's?

What about the obvious financial implications that you would be on a pension by the time the child goes to high school. Kids and teens especially are expensive...how are you going to find trips, university etc on a pension?

Then there is your own health. How would you cope with failing health or mobility with a toddler?

Sorry OP I wouldn't, purely because what if you get sick and die? Your child would be orphaned potentially at a young age.
You won't have as much energy as you get older too.

.

Have you thought about where the child would go if you were to die before they reach adulthood? Hopefully you will have a long life but obviously our chances of dying increase as we get older. I know a considerable number of people in their 60s, 50s and even 40s who have or have had cancer, and some who have died very suddenly. Hopefully that isn’t what happens to most of us but statistically it is more likely the older we get, obviously.

So who will care for your child if you die before you’re 70?

In my case we had my parents, my ILs, and siblings on both sides; any and all of whom would have willingly taken on our children if my DH and I had both died before they reached 18. Luckily that didn’t happen and we improved our odds with that by having our babies when we were in our late twenties/early thirties.

Would you consider adoption instead?
There are lots of children who need a loving home and I know two adopters (including a single mum) who this has worked for.
It also means you don’t have to go through the physical act of carrying a child and all the potential risks this may bring.

This isn't something I'd do...

Yes I do have DC, in their 30's now and there's no way I'd want a young DC of my own in my 50'/60's.
looking after my 3 year old GC once a week is enough to be sending me off to bed the minute they go home.

I do have a friend who had her fourth child at 50 and it all worked well for them (child is now 8 and doing really well etc).
I would say the difference is there were okder siblings, 2 of whom were late teens and early twenties and liging at home, so kffered some help. Also had husband and mum around. I think doing it comoletely on ypir own would be too much.

I’d leave it. IVF is gruelling, and raising children is harder work than you can imagine before you actually have kids. I had my second at 40 and the difference between this pregnancy and my lady at 36 is really noticeable. Just enjoy your child-free life!

I feel that ship has sailed for you, OP. What about fostering?

So funny 😀 😍 ❤️