For struggling to accept this horrible situation with SK

[MangaMoo]

Posting on AIBU for traffic. Long one sorry.

Ok so trying to keep a long story short here but me and DP have a very complicated situation. He has DD13 and DD12 and I have DS7. We also have an “ours” DS who is 6 months old. His DD’s raised a malicious allegation about my DS7 which BM raised to SS and so we cannot risk the kids being around each other for safeguarding reasons. I need to protect my DS from further allegations and BM has made many false allegations about DP to police, SS etc and so this is a pattern and so we both want to protect the kids as much as possible. All of them. So DP stays at his parents house when he has his DD EOW and then takes them out one night each week. That was the best compromise we could do to ensure all have a relationship with DP but the kids do not mix. We were advised to do this by SS but also agree this is wisest. So many more complications but trying to keep a long story short.

However, my issue that I am struggling with coming to terms with this situation and my feelings about my SD’s.

Part of me wants a way we can go back to the mostly happy and very normal blended family situation that we used to have and were trying to build on. Part of me just wants to keep my kids safe. Part of me is very hurt by the nastiness from my SDs towards my DS as I heard them being very nasty and name calling when they were on the phone to my DP just after they made the allegations. Largely putting on a show for BM and their older siblings at her house I know, but still very hurtful to listen to.

I do try and support my DP as they are his DDs I know and so I send small gifts for them etc from time to time, suggest nice places for him to take them etc. But then sometimes I feel guilty and disloyal to my own son for doing so. And then I remind myself they are just kids too and massively influenced by a very toxic and bitter BM who also has MH struggles so it must be a very difficult situation for them too in many ways.

I don’t know what I want for this post except maybe thoughts on best ways to handle this situation and any suggestions to maybe come to terms with the mess that it is. It is not what I wanted at all but neither me nor DP would feel safe with all the kids being together even our baby as we both fully believe that due to BMs history it would only be a matter of time before he was dragged in to her circus too.

Any advice appreciated.
😢

Are you 100% certain that your son is innocent?

So both of your DSDs have made a malicious allegation about your 7-year-old DS to their DM, who has reported it to SS. And this woman also has form for numerous malicious allegations against your DP, who is the father of your younger DC?

Bloody hell OP, what a horrible situation! Personally though, fuck that, my DS would come first, second and third. I would want nothing to do with your DPs DC and I certainly wouldn't be sending them gifts. They are only DC, I get that, and DC of a manipulative and vengeful mother, by the sound of it, but what they've done and the cloud they've put over your DS's head is unforgiveable.

Yes. SK have changed their story since and we were there. He is also 7 years old so not likely to touch someone with sexual intent - he is very innocent and it is a ridiculous accusation. However, even if I were to play devils advocate and say they could be correct it doesn’t really change the safeguarding issues does it?

Thank you. This makes me feel a little better for some of the thoughts I struggle with.

Honestly OP, I’d want nothing to do with either child again. And, I’d probably be reconsidering the relationship. I wouldn’t want my children anywhere near this mess.

Your DH should try and get his daughter's into counselling. Get to the bottom of it. If your ds did nothing then this has not come from nowhere. It may be that another family member is responsible. They are all children and this needs to be taken seriously.

No way would I continue a relationship with SDs of any kind. Actions have consequences.

I would possibly feel like this except for my DP feeling exactly the same way I do. He is horrified by what his DD’s have said and done about a small child (my DS) and we have a fantastic relationship between us and he is also the father of my 6 month old baby and therefore his DD’s are half siblings to my baby too and so to some degree they will always be around

I agree with above.
You need to give your head a firm wobble.
Your poor son.
Your focus should be 100% on protecting him.
Keep those children completely away from him.

Your loyalty and concern should be to your own child.
You shouldn't be confused on this issue.
Keep them away from your children indefinitely.
I hope your poor son is getting support.

I would want nothing to do with either child again. They cannot be trusted again.
I would seriously be considering staying in this relationship - your son must come first.
I would also not want them around their half sibling either, this is serious op. They could end up ruining your childrens lifes.

He wanted them to have counselling and suggested it to SS but BM doesn’t think it is necessary so it’s not happening. I personally think a lot of the blame lies with BM. I think SD went home and said my DS7 had smacked her bum (he did, while playing and she was upset about it but my DP dealt with it in the moment and then told me and I spoke to DS7 about playing nicely) but then BM has turned it all in to something much more sinister and added on a lot of extra to turn it all in to something else entirely so no longer just innocent kids behaviour. BM has MH issues which likely tie in to her making so many false allegations. This makes a reason for it however doesn’t make it any easier being on the brunt of this behaviour from her.

Yes I agree. And so does DP. Hence we are keeping them separate.

Your partner has a responsibility to all his biological children as you do with yours. What a mess.
I would continue doing what you are doing and try counselling to deal with your feelings towards his daughters.
I would say all the kids need professional help with what they're going through.

Thank you. I feel like I should be doing more for SK as they are children too but I am 100% on my DS’ side and so cannot see any way to “fix” or change this as it’s too potentially damaging. The struggle is only mine internally, I just miss the blended family I thought we had I guess. However you can’t make things what they are not hey.

I’d avoid them for now from a safeguarding perspective but say very little and be fully prepared for at some point for them to disclose they were persuaded to say certain things. If that happens as hard as it is I’d try to forgive and forget as they are only young and are probably being used .

Yes I do think there is some element of that unfortunately. BM is very toxic sadly.

He's 7. What is he likely to be guilty of.?

Thank you. This is exactly my point. The whole thing is ridiculous about a 7 year old child. He’s a baby. Not long out of infant school.

So SS agree the the accusations were malicious? What are SS doing about the DD's mum and her coercing them into making these sort of malicious accusations. Is the mother not under SS investigation?

I've a 7 year dgs. Its inconceivable. They are little kids

Yes SS agreed that it is malicious. My DS got an impeccable report from school and beavers and they can see he is not the child she is trying to say he is. They advised we keep SKs separate to my DC to avoid future issues and as far as they are concerned that puts in all the safeguarding they need there. No mixing, no issues, case closed. As far as BM is concerned she has been under SS for years and they continue to give her support for her MH issues but the SK say they are happy there and BM says they are fine so there is very little they can and will do.

DP needs to get to the bottom of the situation and BMs manipulation: it’s not enough to have a side-show as that leaves you ostracized and unsupported.

What are SS doing about the false allegations and BM’s control? Why can she veto the therapy? Was there an independent /qualified interviewer about the allegation? How can you move on without that being resolved?

Obviously your SD didn't want the blended family, and have got what they wanted.

He wanted them to have counselling and suggested it to SS but BM doesn’t think it is necessary so it’s not happening.

I dont have much experience with divorced/ blended families but can she control what he does in his time? Why cant he arrange private or nhs counselling and take the girls on his days?

Separately

• your situation sounds SO hard. Dealing with this and a new baby sounds bloody horrible and is probably ruining what should be a nice time which sucks.
• there is no fucking way I'd be buying them presents!!!! Even at 12 you KNOW accusing someone of something like that is serious and really wrong.

SS interventions are very limited. They are only concerned if there is a safeguarding issue. As we have agreed to keep the kids separate there isn’t one so they are basically not bothered. Re false allegations, we can’t prove that. It is our word against theirs, however SS did say that it is ridiculous to say that about a 7 yo and could clearly see he’s not that kind of kid. However SK’s and BM’s history is complex. The allegations about DP from BM were investigated by police and proven false but because she has MH issues no action could be taken against her. Part of her MH is that she sees things according to her emotions so can’t take criminal action for false allegations unfortunately