For struggling to accept this horrible situation with SK

[MangaMoo]

Posting on AIBU for traffic. Long one sorry.

Ok so trying to keep a long story short here but me and DP have a very complicated situation. He has DD13 and DD12 and I have DS7. We also have an “ours” DS who is 6 months old. His DD’s raised a malicious allegation about my DS7 which BM raised to SS and so we cannot risk the kids being around each other for safeguarding reasons. I need to protect my DS from further allegations and BM has made many false allegations about DP to police, SS etc and so this is a pattern and so we both want to protect the kids as much as possible. All of them. So DP stays at his parents house when he has his DD EOW and then takes them out one night each week. That was the best compromise we could do to ensure all have a relationship with DP but the kids do not mix. We were advised to do this by SS but also agree this is wisest. So many more complications but trying to keep a long story short.

However, my issue that I am struggling with coming to terms with this situation and my feelings about my SD’s.

Part of me wants a way we can go back to the mostly happy and very normal blended family situation that we used to have and were trying to build on. Part of me just wants to keep my kids safe. Part of me is very hurt by the nastiness from my SDs towards my DS as I heard them being very nasty and name calling when they were on the phone to my DP just after they made the allegations. Largely putting on a show for BM and their older siblings at her house I know, but still very hurtful to listen to.

I do try and support my DP as they are his DDs I know and so I send small gifts for them etc from time to time, suggest nice places for him to take them etc. But then sometimes I feel guilty and disloyal to my own son for doing so. And then I remind myself they are just kids too and massively influenced by a very toxic and bitter BM who also has MH struggles so it must be a very difficult situation for them too in many ways.

I don’t know what I want for this post except maybe thoughts on best ways to handle this situation and any suggestions to maybe come to terms with the mess that it is. It is not what I wanted at all but neither me nor DP would feel safe with all the kids being together even our baby as we both fully believe that due to BMs history it would only be a matter of time before he was dragged in to her circus too.

Any advice appreciated.
😢

Acronyms are common internet parlance for decades. Here's a list

https://www.mumsnet.com/i/acronyms

Long history of reasons for SS to be involved with them unfortunately - she has previously assaulted the children, multiple false allegations made about my DP which have all taken time to be investigated and disproved and she has issues with her older kids too which are not my business to go in to but multiple issues which is the reason for so long they have been under SS

I'm more familiar with

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/British_Rail_coach_type_codes

I can only sympathise op, I too have to contend with an absolute screwball of a counter parent and my advice with the benefit of hindsight is batten down the hatches and protect your kids at all costs. Ideally your dh should be trying to get those girls out of there but I totally understand it’s not that easy so alternatively those girls need kept away from your kids until they’re able to see what’s going on here. There’s nothing more damaging than a toxic parent I wish my kids dad would disappear I really do.

Your boyfriend has left his kids with a woman who assaulted them? He didn't get a court order to become resident parent? That's appalling.

I can't see how it benefits you and your son to stay in a relationship with this man. Why not just co-parent with him? Free yourselves.

Having read your updates I feel incredibly sorry for the step kids. Left with a mother who assaults them and has mental health issues and a dad who went off to create a new family and only bothers EOW and once a week for tea. He hasn’t stepped up for them. How you moved this guy in and had a baby with him is beyond me

The novelist, Claire Tomalin who is now 92, wrote her autobiography, A Life Of My Own which covered her parents disastrous marriage and acrimonious divorce. As a young child, her mother told her to lie to a judge and say that her father's new wife hit her. She then did not see her father and her step mother for years. As a young adult she started to see them again and she became very close to her step mum. Even after both parents died she still had a loving relationship with her Step Mum and her children saw her Step Mum as a grandmother.
Claire, at 92 , still feels guilty at betraying her step mother. Parental alienation was not recognised back then.
OP, you sound really lovely. Trust your instincts and keep your children safe.As adults, your step daughters will recognise the mind games inflicted on them by their BM.

He TRIED!! Years of court battles and false allegations and the guardian listening to the kids who said they are happy with BM. She plays the system well.

If you’ve read any of my posts you will see it’s not that simple. She has made numerous false allegations against him forcing SS involvement with the kids and enforcing supervised access for over 18 months. She has marginalised him in their lives and plays games with him and them continuously

See this is what I hope for, that one day as adults they will see that they were loved and that we wanted more than what we were allowed to do.

This happened with my DB. Eventually a judge ruled he was no danger to the kids but they had got to the age where they decided to be with their DM and refused to see him. Because she had turned them against him. She lied and lied and lied and turned then into manipulative nasty people.

They are now in their 20s, have finally left home and are starting to realise what she did. But once they realised they were getting no money from my DB, they've never contacted him or us since.

Leave them to their DM. There is no happy ending in this situation.

BM is the wrong acronym though - birth mother refers to the biological mother (who is no longer the legal parent) of a child or adult who also has adoptive parents.

It would surely be better to stay in the relationship though, wouldn’t it? At least that way the OP could prevent the daughters meeting her younger child, more likelihood of that occurring if she has to share custody following a relationship breakup.

At 12 & 13 they knew what they were doing.
Keep well away from them, & certainly don't send presents - that could be misconstrued.

Something has happened to your partner's daughters if they thought of accusing a seven year old of sexual assault OP. This kind of sexualised behaviour is a red flag for sexual abuse or exposure to inappropriate sexual content coming from somewhere in their lives.

The entire thing sounds like a mess but the 12 and 13 year old DDs of your DP (they're not really your step daughters) are quite possibly at risk from someone in their messy and chaotic lives and are the ones their father should be concerned about, if he's a good person.

I'm sorry to say this but the relationship is clearly not working for your child so why are you still there? It sounds an extremely toxic situation and your son needs out of it.

Couldn’t follow because of the acronyms.

Does your DS have a relationship with his father? And any custody arrangement?

No advice but just wanted to say that you sound like a lovely caring person who is seeking to understand why you SDs are behaving in this way which is very much to your credit given how horrible this must be for you and your son.

they are regularly used acronyms since the advent of parenting fora on the internet.

And even if you don't know - context helps

Do SDs know that the allegations were found to be false and malicious? I appreciate that they are only children themselves and obviously have loyalty to their mother, but they are old enough to have the seriousness of false allegations explained to them and to understand.

Aren't they keen to see their baby brother?

I'm not suggesting anything will change immediately, but it could be that in a couple of years they will realise the awfulness of what they caused, and tell the truth.

In the meantime, of course I understand why their father still sees them but I wouldn't be sending them presents, and if they asked why they can’t come to your house like before I hope he is telling them exactly why.

Just to say, as an ex social worker, I have been aware of 7 year olds who sexually abuse. Very unusual, but it is possible.
I'm not saying OP's son is a sexual abuser, just that it can occur.

You weren't a 'happy blended family' though - that was in your head. In reality you were a random grouping of people who didn't want or choose to spend time together. And that's evident from the very dangerous and horrible situation that transpired.

I'd personally be taking my son out of this fucked up situation, leaving my DH and having shared custody with the baby only on the proviso the baby was never left alone with the daughters.

but you have a happy family unit @MangaMoo; your 2 sons and your partner.

If the current arrangement wrt to your partner and his daughters is working, then leave well alone.

Just concentrate on your own family and do not get involved with the girls (gifts for them will change nothing)

Protect your boys and please, please ensure that you are financially independent.

I honestly think that your current arrangements are best for all the children. You are removing your stepchildren from a situation in which they can be manipulated and pressured by their mother into telling lies that could haunt them as adults.
You are providing a consistent arrangement for the girls and few things could be more valuable to them now. And this arrangement is safe for your other children too.

I understand why it doesn’t feel good because it’s not what you want for your family. But it fulfills your most fundamental obligation as a parent which is to keep your children safe. And the situation you wish for is simply not one of your choices so going back to the basic parenting principle of protection is the best way forward for you all.

You sound immensely compassionate and level-headed in the face of very difficult circumstances and I think you should trust your instincts. Whether she is motivated by mental illness or just a poisonous personality, your DH’s ex wants to create drama and division and calmly refusing to let her is actually your best revenge. People like her hate to be dismissed.