For struggling to accept this horrible situation with SK

[MangaMoo]

Posting on AIBU for traffic. Long one sorry.

Ok so trying to keep a long story short here but me and DP have a very complicated situation. He has DD13 and DD12 and I have DS7. We also have an “ours” DS who is 6 months old. His DD’s raised a malicious allegation about my DS7 which BM raised to SS and so we cannot risk the kids being around each other for safeguarding reasons. I need to protect my DS from further allegations and BM has made many false allegations about DP to police, SS etc and so this is a pattern and so we both want to protect the kids as much as possible. All of them. So DP stays at his parents house when he has his DD EOW and then takes them out one night each week. That was the best compromise we could do to ensure all have a relationship with DP but the kids do not mix. We were advised to do this by SS but also agree this is wisest. So many more complications but trying to keep a long story short.

However, my issue that I am struggling with coming to terms with this situation and my feelings about my SD’s.

Part of me wants a way we can go back to the mostly happy and very normal blended family situation that we used to have and were trying to build on. Part of me just wants to keep my kids safe. Part of me is very hurt by the nastiness from my SDs towards my DS as I heard them being very nasty and name calling when they were on the phone to my DP just after they made the allegations. Largely putting on a show for BM and their older siblings at her house I know, but still very hurtful to listen to.

I do try and support my DP as they are his DDs I know and so I send small gifts for them etc from time to time, suggest nice places for him to take them etc. But then sometimes I feel guilty and disloyal to my own son for doing so. And then I remind myself they are just kids too and massively influenced by a very toxic and bitter BM who also has MH struggles so it must be a very difficult situation for them too in many ways.

I don’t know what I want for this post except maybe thoughts on best ways to handle this situation and any suggestions to maybe come to terms with the mess that it is. It is not what I wanted at all but neither me nor DP would feel safe with all the kids being together even our baby as we both fully believe that due to BMs history it would only be a matter of time before he was dragged in to her circus too.

Any advice appreciated.
😢

A 7 year old that's sexually abused 2 teenage girls? I'd imagine if such a thing was to happen then it would be a child who was abused themselves and doing it to those his own age or smaller

This I am afraid. Your 'happy blended family situation' has turned out to be anything but; it suited you as one of the adults involved to believe it was happy, that's all. The children aren't happy though.

Although nothing can justify their making false accusations against an innocent small child, I understand that you feel for the children of your DP as well. I hope they receive support, kindness and understanding.....but it can't come from you in this situation. They have parents of their own and SS's involved, so leave them alone now. And don't send them gifts, that could be misconstrued and might even put your own DS at further risk.

You need a laser focus on your DS's interests now; just protect him from all this drama that has nothing to do with him.

Its more likely that the next 5 or 6 year could prove the most difficult. When they start falling out with the birth mother and suddenly find themselves homeless at 16 or 17.

OP both SDs have 2 parents looking out for them.

Your DS only has you. He must be your priority even over your relationship. Keep them well at arms length from you and your kids. Stop buying them presents as that gives a poor message to your son. Your DP can buy them presents from him so they won't miss out.

Its very sad they won't have a relationship with their HB but given the 12 year age gap thats neither here nor there.

You don’t have to accept these kids. They really are no relation to you and your priority should be your kids. There’s no way I would have anything to do with them, especially not buying them gifts!!
I would even go as far as walking away from this relationship as it just sounds like a lifetime of misery and issues down the line. After some time passes your dp will start downplaying what they actually did, and you both will start resenting each other as he ‘forgets’ and your poor ds will bear the brunt again.

Stop contact with those two girls immediately. Your DP must see them on his own. You don't need that in your life.

The birth mother?

These aren't adopted children, they're children who live with their mother.

The OP isn't their step mother; the girls are her partner's children who don't live with her.

The girls are also almost certainly being abused or exposed to age inappropriate sexual content somewhere, whether at their own (mother's) house, at the OP's house or somewhere else. Does their mother have a boyfriend/partner/husband? Are there other older boys living in their main home amongst the older siblings (and maybe there are more "blended" pseudo-step siblings /relatives/ children of mother's partner) referred to?

Shouldn't it just be Mum rather than biomum?

I think this is very wise and whilst I would definitely be keeping them separate to ds it might be helpful to reframe it to bear in mind that they are children too, who are probably being manipulated and in an emotionally charged and difficult situation that they haven’t got the maturity or skills to navigate.

They may be the unwitting instruments of a troubled and trouble making BM, but you will be doing them a favour by instilling in them now the knowledge that making false accusatIons is not the way to behave.

Absolutely, what a mess, why do people keep having kids all the time. It's so sad for them.

I would be glad they are nowhere near my child, and would insist on the set up you have, and demand it stays that way and keep them away from both my children !
Putting you own children first is to keep them away from them and stop worrying about lovely blended family.
This works better for you and in time it will be them who are unhappy with the set up.
They'll prob want to come less now as they get older anyway.

Agree, and would stop with the buying presents, their mum could easily twist that bribery and coercion.

Stop beating yourself up over his ex making malicious reports, keep your children safe and don't go near them. I bet they are grilled after the visits as to who they have been with or seen, so make sure to stay clear.
My worry would be that eventually the ex will lose the plot and the kids will end up with their father full time, it would turn your home upside down and I don't think will be a happy little family as they have been coached by the mother to be nasty.
You may want to think about what you and your children will do if that happened.

@MangaMoo you need to detach yourself from this situation. Concentrate on having a happy relationship with your DP and your children. Unfortunately, the stepchildren can only ever have a completely separate relationship with their father which is away from you and your home. If I were you I would continue to keep things exactly as they are for the short and longer term.

Thank you. I appreciate that perspective that we are keeping all the children safe and therefore doing right by all. I think I worry like we aren’t as I wanted the family unit in my head and now we can’t have that.

I thinks it's not if a 7 y/o is "guilty". Of course they're not. But if a 7 y/o has acted in a sexualised way then the question arises of where did he learn it and to what has he been exposed.
Presumably if this has gone further, the ones who would be having to prove their innocence would be you and your dh, that you are not exposing your ds to sexual abuse of some sort.
I guess that's why ss have advised you keep the kids apart as this could be devastating.
Sorry for such a terrible situation

This is going to sound harsh but because you're in the thick of this right now, remember that in 5 yrs the oldest DD will be an adult and in 6 yrs her sister.

Your and your DP will not have to engage with them then. They can go and make mischief on their own.

Horrible horrible situation for your son and you. Does your son know about the accusations?
I would be living apart from my partner if this happened. I wouldn’t want either of my kids being fucked up by this. What your partner does is his move. Protect your children first and foremost. Sorry for your predicament xx

The SD's are 12 and 13 and made disgusting allegations against an innocent 7yr old ,they knew what the were doing, and I would not be having anything to do with them at all.

hi OP, what a horrible situation.

In relation to the allegation - you haven’t said what this is except for it being sexual. When a prepubescent child displays behaviours that you would not expect then there is usually a reason for this. So I assume SS asked you appropriate questions and that your child was spoken to? For example - questions in relation to appropriate supervision online.

Children do display sexual behaviours at times and this is usually linked to their own experiences, including what they have witnessed. I am not saying the allegation is true but just wanted to highlight this.

In relation to the ongoing situation - have you considered how this will work in the long term? Christmas? School holidays? As sad as it is, for me this wouldn’t be a situation I would be prepared to live with and I would end the relationship and focus on my children’s emotional and physical safety and wellbeing.

I’m just going to give you tough love here @MangaMoo

Your partner may be saying/doing all the right things but his ex is irrational, and it seems their kids are irrational too. To the extent of what has occurred, quite serious allegations against your own child which will impact his life.

Your partner might be blindsided by this and might be supportive, but the truth is you don’t need to have any of this aggro in your life. She isn’t your ex, you don’t share children with her specifically - so if you get rid of your partner, you get rid of the source of the issues and you’re out of the storm.

Some people are just not worth having in your life when you balance out everything. They might be perfectly pleasant and the drama might not be their fault, but that doesn’t mean you have to tolerate the constant storms that come with being in a relationship with someone with heaps of drama.

it’s unfair sure, but being in a relationship doesn’t have to be this difficult and your life/your kids life shouldn’t be impacted in this way by your choice of partner having an unhinged ex.

He is 7 years old, surely too young to be a sexual predator.
The girls are 12 and 13

@MangaMoo I just want to address a comment you made earlier - that you felt guilty fir not doing more for your stepdcs.

Its a lovely thought and shows you are about them too (rather than treating them as the vilains).
But please remember, you have no responsibility towards them. IF you were to split up tomorrow, you’d never see them again. They have two parents that are involved.
Your ds has you. And, as you’re not mentioning his dad, just you.

So please, dint feel guilty to not ‘be doing more’ for your stepchildren. You’re doing a lot already. More than you’re ‘required’ to do in those circumstances.

Concentrate on your two dcs.
Protect them. Fight for what is the best FOR THEM. Even if it’s not quite what’s the best fur your step DCs.
Because theres no one else to do it for them.p but you.

Also seeing the age gap, if anything, it’s the older children that are a risk to the younger one there…..

Not saying they are btw. But it just shows how ridiculous it is to accuse a 7yo to SA a 12yo. If they had all been 7~8yo, you could have had some argument. But not then

I have said. He smacked her bum when playing a game of tag. Kids do this. It was addressed and it was not with sexual intent