For struggling to accept this horrible situation with SK

[MangaMoo]

Posting on AIBU for traffic. Long one sorry.

Ok so trying to keep a long story short here but me and DP have a very complicated situation. He has DD13 and DD12 and I have DS7. We also have an “ours” DS who is 6 months old. His DD’s raised a malicious allegation about my DS7 which BM raised to SS and so we cannot risk the kids being around each other for safeguarding reasons. I need to protect my DS from further allegations and BM has made many false allegations about DP to police, SS etc and so this is a pattern and so we both want to protect the kids as much as possible. All of them. So DP stays at his parents house when he has his DD EOW and then takes them out one night each week. That was the best compromise we could do to ensure all have a relationship with DP but the kids do not mix. We were advised to do this by SS but also agree this is wisest. So many more complications but trying to keep a long story short.

However, my issue that I am struggling with coming to terms with this situation and my feelings about my SD’s.

Part of me wants a way we can go back to the mostly happy and very normal blended family situation that we used to have and were trying to build on. Part of me just wants to keep my kids safe. Part of me is very hurt by the nastiness from my SDs towards my DS as I heard them being very nasty and name calling when they were on the phone to my DP just after they made the allegations. Largely putting on a show for BM and their older siblings at her house I know, but still very hurtful to listen to.

I do try and support my DP as they are his DDs I know and so I send small gifts for them etc from time to time, suggest nice places for him to take them etc. But then sometimes I feel guilty and disloyal to my own son for doing so. And then I remind myself they are just kids too and massively influenced by a very toxic and bitter BM who also has MH struggles so it must be a very difficult situation for them too in many ways.

I don’t know what I want for this post except maybe thoughts on best ways to handle this situation and any suggestions to maybe come to terms with the mess that it is. It is not what I wanted at all but neither me nor DP would feel safe with all the kids being together even our baby as we both fully believe that due to BMs history it would only be a matter of time before he was dragged in to her circus too.

Any advice appreciated.
😢

Thank you. This means a lot

You're kinder than me. I wouldn't have them in the house at all ever again.

They’re not in my house at the moment because of the concerns and issues we have. I just wish things were different is all. Can’t make things what they are not though hey.

Same, sod this #bekind shinnangans and accepting dickish behaviour because 'aw bless, poor them'.

They may be older than their step brother but "bitches" is an awful way to describe anyone, let alone children.

It sounds to me as though these girls are actually in danger from their BM, in that her MH issues appear to have deleteriously affected their lives already and may continue to do. It's really not a healthy way to grow up. If they are accustomed to being manipulated like this to do hings they may recognise as wrong, and complying to "keep mum happy" that is really bad for them.

As a parent, your dp should possibly be being a lot more proactive in sorting out this situation for his dds. They are also victims in all this (even if they knew what they were doing, they are too young to be fully responsible I think, especially having grown up as they have)

Unfortunately if your dp does this for his dds it will take time, energy and probably money from his partner, stepson and if course his new baby. Obviously that leaves you in a shitty shitty situation - but as you observe, it is where you are. I am so sorry.

Your partner must feel so horrible about this. It does sound as though it is absolutely right to keep the children apart.

I would urge you both to seek all the support you can, for everyone involved.

Completely agree @DierdreDaphne but as you can see... some posters on this thread believe the only thing that matters is keeping the dm happy and centered...They needed their father to do what he had to do to keep their mother as stable as possible
So not needing dad to keep the children safe,not prioritising their needs.. all about mum and her needs...🙄

He’s 7 and the girl’s BM has history of making up allegations to SS and police so yeah. I think balance of probability is that the kid is innocent.

Unfortunately he has already exhausted all avenues with SS, family court, children’s guardian. Her false allegations allowed her to have the kids in her sole care for so long and damaged the relationship they had with their dad they now see mum as their only constant so cling on as hard as they can. They have had a lot to deal with already in their young lives and this is just a disgusting manipulation by their mum to cause more issues with dad and widen the gap and make them more dependent on her. She is an A class manipulator but she is also because of her MH very dependent on them so a very co-dependent relationship all round and very unhealthy. We did think we may be able to be a source of stability for them but once again she has manipulated a situation to put a massive curveball in. I think this is why I can empathise with them so much. I hate what they have done to my DS and want to protect my DC and that is absolutely the priority, but I feel like they are just being dragged further and further in to the games and her own needs, but I guess that is where they want to be, even if the reasons may be wrong. They are still too young to understand the magnanimity of what their mum has done to their dad and their relationship with him ongoing for the last several years.

Sorry OP, I had not rtft, was so horrified by the post I quoted.
Yes can see he has really been hitting brick walls. I wish there was some useful advice I could give, but I don't think there is.

Why can't you press charges against her?

Agree surely its wasting police and other services time, it's malicious and vindictive.

MH issues. We get sympathy from officials but also not a lot of help.

Absolutely but not a lot they can do as can’t be proven that it’s not because of her MH. She has a very complex diagnosis and it is very likely involved.