For struggling to accept this horrible situation with SK

[MangaMoo]

Posting on AIBU for traffic. Long one sorry.

Ok so trying to keep a long story short here but me and DP have a very complicated situation. He has DD13 and DD12 and I have DS7. We also have an “ours” DS who is 6 months old. His DD’s raised a malicious allegation about my DS7 which BM raised to SS and so we cannot risk the kids being around each other for safeguarding reasons. I need to protect my DS from further allegations and BM has made many false allegations about DP to police, SS etc and so this is a pattern and so we both want to protect the kids as much as possible. All of them. So DP stays at his parents house when he has his DD EOW and then takes them out one night each week. That was the best compromise we could do to ensure all have a relationship with DP but the kids do not mix. We were advised to do this by SS but also agree this is wisest. So many more complications but trying to keep a long story short.

However, my issue that I am struggling with coming to terms with this situation and my feelings about my SD’s.

Part of me wants a way we can go back to the mostly happy and very normal blended family situation that we used to have and were trying to build on. Part of me just wants to keep my kids safe. Part of me is very hurt by the nastiness from my SDs towards my DS as I heard them being very nasty and name calling when they were on the phone to my DP just after they made the allegations. Largely putting on a show for BM and their older siblings at her house I know, but still very hurtful to listen to.

I do try and support my DP as they are his DDs I know and so I send small gifts for them etc from time to time, suggest nice places for him to take them etc. But then sometimes I feel guilty and disloyal to my own son for doing so. And then I remind myself they are just kids too and massively influenced by a very toxic and bitter BM who also has MH struggles so it must be a very difficult situation for them too in many ways.

I don’t know what I want for this post except maybe thoughts on best ways to handle this situation and any suggestions to maybe come to terms with the mess that it is. It is not what I wanted at all but neither me nor DP would feel safe with all the kids being together even our baby as we both fully believe that due to BMs history it would only be a matter of time before he was dragged in to her circus too.

Any advice appreciated.
😢

I’m sorry, what a terrible situation to be in.

I’d leave. And I’m not a poster who usually would advocate for that - but living with this kind of ongoing drama which is outside of your control just sounds like a nightmare for everyone.

As to if your son is guilty of whatever he’s accused of (and noting he’s 7 so querying what exactly it could be or the intent etc) - I don’t see how you can move beyond this incident in a functional way, while protecting with him or the SDs based on whatever actually happened and the eventual outcome.

I guess so - just because I wanted a happy family doesn’t mean they did

Are you sure you were always present? Because if you weren’t then it may be that something highly inappropriate did happen in which case it is pretty obvious who the perpetrators are.

These girls need counselling. If they are abusers then they have almost certainly been abused themselves.

But hell would freeze over before I let them within a mile of my children. Even if they admit their accusations were lies it doesn’t mean that they are not abusers.

Both parents would need to agree to it since it involves minors.

I think all you can do is carry on as you are. Let go of the fantasy of a happy blended family and accept that this is how it is. Don't get involved with SDDs and concentrate on your own two children. Let your partner organise his own time with his daughters and fully support him to spend time with them.

My only concern would be if the daughters relationship with their mother were to break down, as can often happen during teenager years, your partner would have to step up and look after them - this would mean that they either come and live with you as a family or that he would have to move out to provide them with a home with him. Would you be prepared to live separately if this was the case?

Absolutely - the message to your son has to be loud and clear. Those bitches be dead to me. Id never interact with them again, there is no longer a "blended" family... and if that means no relationship So be it

Yup you’re doing right by your ds. Keep him far away and don’t give anyone the opportunity to get him in trouble

I would throw all thoughts of happy blended families from your mind. It just isn't possible now.

Focus on your two kids and your own family unit with them and DP. Of course support your partner to make the time to see his daughters, but don't get involved in any way beyond that - his parents can worry about gifts and facilities for them - the best way to deal with a toxic situation to to step as far out of it as you can.

(And I am a long term SM of two kids whom I love dearly, so I'm not anti-blended families in any way, but like any family, some times you really do have to call time on it.)

I can say that I can barely believe a seven year old would touch an older child 'sexually'. I mean if they did then it would be a red flag for the fact they were being SA or witnessing SA/ inappropriate content.

I presume this was explored and there was nothing like that. So I feel really sorry for you and your child.

Honestly I don't think you and your child can live in the house with the two kids that made the accusations. That is if course assuming they are baseless. Which I strongly assume they must be.

nope. tbh in your shoes i wouldn't want anything to do with them at all. Any contact with their half-sibling to be supervised by your partner at all times, and they don't get presents or anything from you.

Carry on as you are, support your partner by listening to any venting etc, but you don't have to have any contact with them at all. They have not earned that privelege.

I mean this kindly, but do not add more children to this mess.
It is a mess.
Your son doesn't deserve to have his childhood marred by your choice of new partner.

I really would be rethinking this relationship completely if there is ANY suggestion of those children being in your home ever again.

Again, meant kindly, if you have children already, and then you get into a relationship with a man with a toxic Ex, you are always putting your existing child at risk.
Your have put your wish for a relationship with this man, ahead of what is best for your existing child.
You have brought this toxicity into your childs life.

I mean it kindly, but it is a rare women who is so boundaried that can keep it separate.

You have left your child down badly by bringing him into this situation.

Keep reminding yourself of that when you start feeling sympathy for children that are not yours.

Your son deserves to be your priority completely.
This toxicity has brought SS's into your home and son's life.

Focus on that.
Wishing you well.

Your laungage is absolutely appalling.

The OP post explains what happened. Her 7 year did in fact do something inappropriate. At 7 kids absolutely should have been taught about appropriate touching and slapping a girls bum isnt it. The child is also fully entitled to tell her other parent about it. Whether the OP and her DP dealt with it or not.

It was the OP dp ex who took it further.

@MangaMoo what is his current legal custody situation and decision making, and have the children ever had a Guardian ad litem appointed?

At the moment keeping the two units separate is for the best, but the reality is they are experiencing a very damaging childhood as a result of living with their mother. One that likely will countinue to have negative impacts on them until they either leave her care or have independent outside therapy to help them understand healthy behaviour, boundaries and emotional control.

I don't think the OP behaving like a teenager herself is going to help any.

They aren't bitches, they are teen/preteen girls living in a toxic situation with a toxic mother. Certainly it appears they have behaved badly but they should not be judged as adults.

Of course the OP needs to stay away from them and focus on her children, but I'd very much hope her so knows nothing/little of what he's been accused of, so she does not need to speak about them to him, beyond explaining that their father will be seeing them at grannies in future so they won't be around.

OP, I would continue to keep the dc's completely seperate and 100% focus on ds which it sounds like you are doing.

Personally, I would struggle to want to maintain any kind of relationship with the other children.

Im curious why ss have been involved for years with them though? You say it is due to their DM''s mental health but from my experience it is very unusual for children to be open to children's services indefinitely and certainly not for a parents mental health unless their are other significant concerns? These are your partners dc's, how involved with them is he if they have had ongoing involvement with social workers?

Yes you are right, I guess it was just a fantasy.

And yes, I have considered that option. No way could they come here so we would have to review according to their age but yeah it may have to be separate houses temporarily if needed. I hate that it is that way but that is what we have I guess. I know it but I struggle accepting it.

Protect your son OP. Keep them separate.

No man on earth is worth getting involved in this nightmare. The only reason to be in a relationship is for it to massively enhance your life in every way, and to make it easier and fun, that's the entire point.

Your boyfriend should live separately so he can actually parent his kids, every other weekend is not parenting.

Would you not rather be happy, and enjoying life?

Your own children come first EVERY SINGLE TIME. I cannot stress that enough.
You are with your DP for your benefit and nobody else's so when the shot hits the fan, your needs come last unfortunately when your a mum.
You remove all your children from this shitstorm and DO NOT involve them/put them at risk ever again.
Your poor son he's only 7 and having SG accusations thrown at him and SS involved. Do you have any idea what having SS involved does to a child's mental health and they WILL remember this when they grow up.
Cut all ties nows FFS

They don’t have any contact with our baby at the moment as neither I nor DP feel that he would be exempt from all the issues that have been caused by BM. She will stir whatever pot she can to cause trouble for us

Can we please please use words not acronyms

Whats a BM & I dont know what a SK - Second Class Corridor Coach has to do with it?

You have nothing to feel guilty for.

Sadly, the SD's have nuked their own chances of a good relationship with their stepfamily and half sibling- this was their choice, not yours, and you owe them nothing. It's also not your fault, or your children's fault, that this means their Dad is having to be away from them EOW and one day weekly.

The best you can hope for is that as they get older they'll be less interested in going out with Dad every week and contact will reduce. It's less than 6 years until the youngest is officially an adult.

Given the number of allegations your step daughters mother has made I wonder if either a safeguarding referral to Social Services is needed OR he needs to look at Child Arrangements Order for their welfare

They are standard acronyms used on Mumsnet. BM is Biomum, i.e. not the stepmum. SK is stepkid; SD is stepdaughter and SS is stepson.

They are standard acronyms used on Mumsnet. BM is Biomum, i.e. not the stepmum. SK is stepkid; SD is stepdaughter and SS is stepson.

Yes they had a guardian but they said they wanted to live with BM as kids often do and also she had played many games with them over the years isolating my DP for years as because of her false allegations and the lengthy investigation time he could only have supervised access to them. He has been marginalized in their lives.