For struggling to accept this horrible situation with SK

[MangaMoo]

Posting on AIBU for traffic. Long one sorry.

Ok so trying to keep a long story short here but me and DP have a very complicated situation. He has DD13 and DD12 and I have DS7. We also have an “ours” DS who is 6 months old. His DD’s raised a malicious allegation about my DS7 which BM raised to SS and so we cannot risk the kids being around each other for safeguarding reasons. I need to protect my DS from further allegations and BM has made many false allegations about DP to police, SS etc and so this is a pattern and so we both want to protect the kids as much as possible. All of them. So DP stays at his parents house when he has his DD EOW and then takes them out one night each week. That was the best compromise we could do to ensure all have a relationship with DP but the kids do not mix. We were advised to do this by SS but also agree this is wisest. So many more complications but trying to keep a long story short.

However, my issue that I am struggling with coming to terms with this situation and my feelings about my SD’s.

Part of me wants a way we can go back to the mostly happy and very normal blended family situation that we used to have and were trying to build on. Part of me just wants to keep my kids safe. Part of me is very hurt by the nastiness from my SDs towards my DS as I heard them being very nasty and name calling when they were on the phone to my DP just after they made the allegations. Largely putting on a show for BM and their older siblings at her house I know, but still very hurtful to listen to.

I do try and support my DP as they are his DDs I know and so I send small gifts for them etc from time to time, suggest nice places for him to take them etc. But then sometimes I feel guilty and disloyal to my own son for doing so. And then I remind myself they are just kids too and massively influenced by a very toxic and bitter BM who also has MH struggles so it must be a very difficult situation for them too in many ways.

I don’t know what I want for this post except maybe thoughts on best ways to handle this situation and any suggestions to maybe come to terms with the mess that it is. It is not what I wanted at all but neither me nor DP would feel safe with all the kids being together even our baby as we both fully believe that due to BMs history it would only be a matter of time before he was dragged in to her circus too.

Any advice appreciated.
😢

Hmm if my 7 year old had smacked his teenaged sisters ( i had 2 teenage girls and a young boy) bum she would've just told him to not be so bloody silly. I really can't imagine that she would've considered this sexual abuse

You’re putting a lot of blame on the children’s mother, and while it doesn’t sound like she’s perfect, you and your DP have to accept your part in the instability his daughters are experiencing.

They didn’t need a step parent, or a step sibling or a half sibling. They needed their father to do what he had to do to keep their mother as stable as possible, but he chose to make a new family instead. It’s just as likely that these girls will grow up and wonder why their Dad did something that he could have predicted would make their mother’s mental health deteriorate, and knowing that would make their childhood even harder.

Apologies I thought you said more was added. If this is all it was then, yes just a carry on and totally in line with age and stage of development.

I still stand by what I say in relation to how long you can keep this up. It will put enormous pressure on everyone over time

They needed their father to do what he had to do to keep their mother as stable as possible
these girls will grow up and wonder why their Dad did something that he could have predicted would make their mother’s mental health deteriorate, and knowing that would make their childhood even harder.
Really? So the mum foists all responsibility on to other people?
Her ex isn't allowed a life of his own?
Can you imagine if a poster came on writing about her mentally ill ex ruining her life and spreading lies..... would the response be...
'This is your fault.... you've caused his mental health to deteriorate, you've caused your children's lives to be harder'?

This is an awful situation but I think you are doing the right thing atm. I wish SS would take a more pragmatic and active role in these situations. You need to protect your children and they must be your no1 priority.
I would just like to say, I'm fed up with posts where dishonest, toxic or violent behaviour is written off as MH. Virtually all behaviours are a conscious choice driven by various personality traits and emotions. It shouldn't be excused as a MH, as the vile bevaviour of some nasty people then gets projected onto some lovely people with genuine MH issues

Its best for everyone to carry on the way you are. Yes its rubbish that you lose a weekend with dp every two weeks but I think its the only way he can maintain a relationship with his daughters.

Since he has pr surely there's nothing stopping him taking them to family counselling on his weekend

It’s not about one parent ‘foisting responsibility’ on another or me trying to stop anyone from being happy or moving on, but if the reality is that it would have been better for all these children not to be forced into a blended family, then that is what should have happened.

People always say they want to put their children first, but they rarely mean it when putting children first means making a sacrifice.

In five years the OP's son will be 13 - the age of the older girl now. These are all children and five years is a very long time to them.

Something is very much not right in the lives of these children - twelve and thirteen year olds only lie about sexual abuse if someone else is abusing them (at the very least by exposing them to things they shouldn't be seeing). As someone else said it's also possible that the seven year old has been exposed to abuse or abusive content and is therefore behaving inappropriately not because he's in any way bad but because children who have been abused sometimes behave in age inappropriate ways as a direct consequence.

@CopperWhite any of that judgement for op and the dh for the manipulative,lying ex?
Who's clearly not putting the dc first in her manipulative lies.
But oh yes she'll have #reasons.....

The OP has no control over the ex. She had control over her role in the current situation, as did her DH.

When the mother isn’t doing a good job, especially because of mental illness, the father needs to step up more, not be worrying about a new family instead.

And he has attempted to, and has gone to court, but the dc have said they want to stay with their dm and joined in her lies.
The 'setting your self on fire to keep someone who is a vindictive liar warm, seems relevant here.

SD didn’t when she was at ours. She was fine about it all. Just a minor annoyance at the time. Then she went home to her mum and mum quizzes her and suddenly a SD report is made as they have an allocated SW and all sorts is alleged. Definitely led and influenced by mum and this is why I do feel sorry for SK to some degree. My main concern is my DC obviously but I do have a level of sympathy for SK as kids also caught in this mess.

My son is very innocent and has had a very sheltered life. My SK’s however have not had the same unfortunately. Like I say, not my business to discuss but there is history in their past on maternal family side.

Yeah, focus on your children and be glad the SDs are out of the picture for you. You’re a saint to be concerned about them, and they clearly do have troubled lives, but that isn’t your issue to deal with.

And I don’t agree that your DP has done anything wrong. Sounds like he has done everything he can to protect them and wasn’t allowed. And now he is keeping up contact despite these dreadful lies - rightly, but there are some who wouldn’t.

I hope it all works out for you all.

Father wasn’t allowed to do more!! He tried and wishes he could have done. Mother made numerous false allegations to police and SS causing lengthy investigation and meaning father was only allowed supervised visits for 18 months whilst investigations took place. Then after this time, so much damage had been done to his relationship with his DD’s when they went to family court they told the guardian they wanted to stay with mum. She played her ace card with the false allegations and marginalized him. Job done.

And yet he thought “let’s add another baby to the mix” mind blowing to be honest, what a mess. Feel so sorry for the kids (all of them) in all this. It’s a tale as old as time on mumsnet, man thinks with his dick and shacks up with a new woman and has a baby so there are irreversible ties. All the kids end up suffering, very sad.

My ex completely brainwashed and alienated my 12 yo from me, we were thick as thieves at the time, his skill to divide and conquer was scary. I had help from the police to get her back and thankfully the damage seems to have been mostly undone, nearly two years later. Don’t assume they’re old enough to know better, these people are highly manipulative and dangerous and young teen minds will feed into the drama. I feel for them being stuck with her, she will likely ruin their heads

I totally disagree.

For many kids who are experiencing instability in one of their parent’s homes, having the stability of a blended family can be the saving grace.

Sometimes that blended family experiences their own challenges and often this is because of the overspill of stuff from the chaotic parent.

I work in young people’s mental health and a lot of them tell me how their blended family gave them what they never had in the other household.

Overly simplistic and not very helpful really there

I would never have anything to do with them again and I would be leaving DP.

Your poor son, this will be on his record now and imagine if they made a worse false allegation in the future. They could make a false one about you too.

Im a single mum and rather be alone forever than be in a relationship with a single dad. I was seeing one for a few months and as soon as his ex wife found out, she started to stir the pot. Even told his mother she wasn’t allowed to meet me as I would replace her. 😬 Wouldn't have put it past her to have done some kind of false allegation so I was out of there as soon as I saw that nonsense.

Have social services not suggested the children get counselling? If their mum has had SS involved frequently I'd be surprised if ss weren't offering the girls support alongside

Yep, but typical mn.....1st wife is a poor belaugured soul, who has no responsibility for her behaviour, it's all the ex dh fault, how dare he have any life without her.... but not forgetting if an ex-h had any inkling of saying his ex wife shouldn't move on.... he'd be an evil, misogynistic bustard who is controlling her life..

The current set up sounds like it protects both of your children, and enables your DP to keep a relationship with his DDs. It's a very sad situation.

I think you're right to still send gifts to the girls - they're living in an increidbly stressful environment, their mother does not sound as if she's at all fit to be a parent. When they get older they will hopefully fell less responsible for their mother, and will spend more time with you, your partner and children.

Quite a few PPs are advising you to leave your DP, but you have a baby with him, so it's not possible to have a full break. Your baby would likely end up spending every weekend with his Dad and half-sisters.

I think you sound mature and kind, and understable upset and angry. You are very decent not to take it out on your DPs kids.

I do try and support my DP as they are his DDs I know and so I send small gifts for them etc from time to time, suggest nice places for him to take them etc. But then sometimes I feel guilty and disloyal to my own son for doing so. And then I remind myself they are just kids too and massively influenced by a very toxic and bitter BM who also has MH struggles so it must be a very difficult situation for them too in many ways.

The part above jumped out at me. I would continue as you are. The DDs are still children and it sounds like they have most likely been manipulated or at the very least, acting out of loyalty to their mum.

Keep supporting your DH, and keep up the small gifts. Maybe cards/letters with news from you and asking about them, passed on through your DH.

One day, really not all that far from now, they will be over 18 and will be able to hopefully see the situation for what it is. They will know that you have always been supportive. Hopefully at least your relationship with them can be salvaged then.

They have had support but they are very loyal to their mum and lie to hide things that take place at home. They say they are ok to anyone official who asks