Don't feel good about moving my Partner's children into my house

[P4r3nt]

Background: I have had a child with my partner. She has 2 children from a previous relationship (13 and 8, father not in their lives).

I moved into her council home andI I've tried my best to made the home a nice environment to live in (as it was cluttered, full of mold etc.). I redecorated all the rooms In the house, bought new furniture, tvs , white goods ..etc. Ive tried my best with her two, actually put a lot of effort in (I wont go on). We were getting on well, her two children are very unruly and ive found it hard to discipline because they're not my own. They have since destroyed their room, which I put effort into decorating. Destroyed their beds and furniture. Ruined the paint work. Broken the TVs. Smashed storage containers etc... You get the Idea. So I confronted my partner saying why didnt she put more effort in to maintain the kids rooms and look after it (i work full time, she doesnt). And she would respond with that its not her job.

To cut a long story short. Before meeting my partner I had quite a bit in savings. And my idea was to buy a nice property, in a nice neighbourhood. To give her and her children a nice environment to live. As they currently live in a small, terraced property in a very crime ridden area.

I've since bought a lovely property in a lovely neighbourhood. And thought I would be looking forward to it. I complete next week.

But I'm afraid that my partner will just allow her children to ruin my property that ive worked hard to purchase, if that makes sense. And I know it is jointly my responsibility to ensure that the house that I bought doesn't get ruined. But I work long hours and unfortunately worry that when I'm not there it will get ruined. As my partner thinks that it is not her job to maintain a property.

AIBU to feel uneasy about this? I asked my partner if what happened in the current house will happen in the home ive bought. And she said no it won't. But if she and her children had no respect for their current home, why would it be any different in the house ive bought?

Has anyone any advice of this kind of thing? I struggle to discipline her two children, I dont feel like shouting at them because they're not my own children. But at the same time they need it because they're very misbehaved.

This is such a disaster. They really shouldn’t be living with you at all. Why the rush to move in together?

End the relationship. She can’t / won’t not choose her children and she sounds a bit feckless This isn’t the relationship for you.

How does this kind of thing happen?

You have had a child with someone who has other children yet you seem to have had no real understanding of what their home life is before procreating.

More people bringing kids into the world in ill thought out circumstances.

You bought a house for “her and her children” to move into? But not your child?

Her previous children sound a bit of a nightmare. But where is the child the two of you have together in all this?

This relationship won’t work. You will end up resentful with a trashed house. The children might not want to move if it’s away from their friends and all they have known. You will be seen as the bad person. They have not been taught to respect their home and their parent doesn’t have any respect either.

Do not move in together. Social Housing tenancies are really hard to get, she should not give that up.

You sound like a meal ticket op. Don't move her and her dc in..focus on your own relationship with your child.

Mate! You are coming across as a total mug!

Why on earth would you move this appalling family into your home? Sex?

You appear to have very low self esteem. End this relationship. Move into your new home without her and the feral children. Work on building your confidence before embarking on a new relationship.

The main reason for the move is its a very bad crime ridden area. I've had my car windows smashed, parcels stolen, the neighbours party all hours (dont work on PIP and UC). The other reason the local school has had problems with immigrants exposing themselves to children. I could go on... But you can see why I wont to get out of there. For my children's sake.

You saw her with a cluttered run down home and thought she needed rescuing, when in reality it seems that’s the way she chooses to live. The mould is probably a result of the way she keeps the home as well.

she hasn’t raised her children to have pride in their home and belonging, this won’t change. I just don’t know how you end up with a joint child before you discover all this!

What I meant by that even before we had our son together, my idea was to move her and her children out of this crap area.

Of course now ive bought a house for all of us.

She doesn’t respect you or the effort you’ve put in to improve the lives of her kids. So you have two choices.
Stay and move everyone into your new home which will be trashed very quickly. Getting them out will be difficult or nigh on impossible if she’s given up her social housing.
Or split up and make a good home for your shared child. She won’t change and neither will her kids. Do you want your child growing up in this environment?

Yes I'll be honest this is my current feeling. I would hate to resent her and her children for destroying my house.

And her children want to move away from here because its not a safe area to live really.

Jesus.

Your partner is using you. She doesn’t give a shit that her kids are wrecking everything you’ve worked and paid for. She just wants you to pay for everything.

Absolutely do not move in with her and her feral children.

What’s the situation with the child you share?

Thats a very good point I hadn't considered, thank you.

I'll be honest, I do struggle with self worth. I've worked really hard in the past couple of years to get promoted and now have a decent paying job. And I still dont feel respected.

Don't be a mug, you will clearly end up splitting up at some point and then she will have lost her tenancy. Move in alone and make sure you apply for the school for your child in the closest catchment area to your house not hers!!

You dont talk about your partner warmly. Is there love in this relationship?
It sounds to me that you need to live in your house by yourself first and think hard about the future.
Have her and the kids come over for a weekend. See what it is like? Do they seem to care for the house? Are they cleaning up after themselves.
Personally it just doesn't sound like this is a good idea all round and you may have just to coparent your joint child

I don’t mean to be combative but what HAVE you considered? All of your posts suggest a general lack of real understanding of your situation.

How long have you been together?

Don't be foolish.
Of course they will trash the house.
The sound feral.
Do not move them in.
Split up and go for 50/50 childcare.

Why would you want your child exposed to than full-time.

Give your child 50% of time living in a decent house.

I think you need to give yourself permission to admit it’s not going to work. Your partner doesn’t seem capable of parenting her kids, or looking after the house. A lose lose situation. Best to make the decision now and move on with your life.

💯👏. I think it’s a case of you’ve made your bed and now you have to lie in it. It’s very likely your property will suffer damage because it sounds as though there is a lifetime of change you will have to mange and from the sounds of it your partner included. Good luck.

Snort.

Well ironically she said she wanted to break up with me not long ago becuase I work too much. Which I completely understood, I do try with affection but I agree ive put too much effort into work. The reason I worked hard was to buy this house. As soon as I move in ill reduce.my hours. Because I love my son so much, I want to spend as much time as possible.

I feel if we split, im afraid I will only see him on my days off. Ill be heartbroken. Im used to seeing him everyday.

I missed the first line of the post 🙄

OP you’ve made your bed… why on earth you had a child together I just don’t know. It’s too late to be complaining now.