Don't feel good about moving my Partner's children into my house

[P4r3nt]

Background: I have had a child with my partner. She has 2 children from a previous relationship (13 and 8, father not in their lives).

I moved into her council home andI I've tried my best to made the home a nice environment to live in (as it was cluttered, full of mold etc.). I redecorated all the rooms In the house, bought new furniture, tvs , white goods ..etc. Ive tried my best with her two, actually put a lot of effort in (I wont go on). We were getting on well, her two children are very unruly and ive found it hard to discipline because they're not my own. They have since destroyed their room, which I put effort into decorating. Destroyed their beds and furniture. Ruined the paint work. Broken the TVs. Smashed storage containers etc... You get the Idea. So I confronted my partner saying why didnt she put more effort in to maintain the kids rooms and look after it (i work full time, she doesnt). And she would respond with that its not her job.

To cut a long story short. Before meeting my partner I had quite a bit in savings. And my idea was to buy a nice property, in a nice neighbourhood. To give her and her children a nice environment to live. As they currently live in a small, terraced property in a very crime ridden area.

I've since bought a lovely property in a lovely neighbourhood. And thought I would be looking forward to it. I complete next week.

But I'm afraid that my partner will just allow her children to ruin my property that ive worked hard to purchase, if that makes sense. And I know it is jointly my responsibility to ensure that the house that I bought doesn't get ruined. But I work long hours and unfortunately worry that when I'm not there it will get ruined. As my partner thinks that it is not her job to maintain a property.

AIBU to feel uneasy about this? I asked my partner if what happened in the current house will happen in the home ive bought. And she said no it won't. But if she and her children had no respect for their current home, why would it be any different in the house ive bought?

Has anyone any advice of this kind of thing? I struggle to discipline her two children, I dont feel like shouting at them because they're not my own children. But at the same time they need it because they're very misbehaved.

with a bit of classism thrown in

why do you think you have to live together?
why don't you just arrange to share the parenting of your shared child?
and leave her and her pre-existing dc in their secure council tenancy?
if you're just taking care of/ paying the expenses associated with one child, perhaps you could reorganise your work so you do fewer hours/week?
how old is this child?

@P4r3nt how the hell do you know your neighbours are on PIP and UC Do they come to you and give you a rundown of their finances? You have had a child Having children is a choice. Disabilies arent

Obviously if he moves to his new house alone, doesn’t insist on 50% residency, and doesn’t fight for more than that given that (based on his description) the child is living in an unsafe environment in the mother’s house, then he is a shitty parent as well. Nobody will be telling him he’s a decent parent if he just sees the kid every weekend or a day or two a week or whatever: that would make him as selfish and useless as the mother.

The fact he’s tolerated this for this long, and chosen to have a child with such a woman in the first place, doesn’t bode well but one would hope that realisation has dawned now that he needs to step up and be a decent parent - the main parent - since the other one he chose is useless by his own admission. Disney Dad weekends and abandoning his son to grow up in this environment the majority of the time while he moves to a nice new shiny house on his own obviously won’t cut it.

But if the post and scenario set out is genuine and he actually does care about his child as he professes then he can move to his new house and do 50%+ of the parenting, try to get main residency which he will have a good case to do if things are as dire in the mother’s home as he says, cut his work hours to focus on being a present parent for his son as he claims he intends to do, and he will put the child first in future and build a stable home for his child where his child can live for the majority of the time away from this neglect and will focus on trying to mitigate some of the damage that he has caused to his son by choosing to have a child in this dysfunctional situation, and keep further romantic relationships separate from his son’s home life in his new house.

If he’s a genuine poster I presume we can expect him to return and tell us what he’s going to do about this and that he’ll be prioritising above everything else from now on parenting his son, obtaining joint residency as a minimum and raising his son in an appropriate environment.

Why would he be the non-resident parent if he’s in a position to provide a better and more stable home life for the child in a clean, safe home without aggressive half-siblings who vandalise their own house, which is apparently unsanitary as well and mouldy, and with a mother who allegedly thinks this is an acceptable way to raise children?

Yes that’s very true. The main theme actually

You could look at what you can change. You can get your partner and all the children out of the awful neighbourhood. That’s a really positive thing (if you love them all and want to stay in the relationship.)

You can work with your partner and the children on doing a better job of maintaining the new home. Remind them that they’re moving on to something better. Let them decorate so they have some ownership - maybe they should do some jobs to earn money to pay for some of it and be less inclined to break it. If they break it then get rid of it, no replacements.

You can have less stuff - fewer things to wreck. Do a big clearout, only take what you love, don’t have too much storage, live a minimalist lifestyle. Less consumerist, cheaper, better for the environment. And easier to maintain and tidy. Maybe they will still be punching holes in the walls or whatever so you just accept ahead of time there will be a certain level of mess to clean up regularly and it’s just the price of having kids. (I have an ND child so this is how we’re have to go about things - it’s purely to reduce my own stress.) Get a dehumidifier to cover every room to minimise risk of mold.

Children being brought up the way her kids are grow up to create the no go areas you describe! These feral kids are part of the problem when their mother thinks discipline is not her job.
You are absolutely out of your mind if you let any of them move to your new house. I don’t understand how you can write about all these problems yet continue to see their becoming entirely your problem as an inevitable process. Get a grip! Leave the relationship.

Because like I said if there were safeguarding issues he would have and should have removed the child already.

Given they aren't, as he would have removed the child already, he'll only be seeking access and not residence.

A court would ask why he left his children in a dangerous situation if he tries to bring that up in court now.

Don’t be ridiculous. Of course he can seek residence. Why would you assume residence would be with the mother and he would only have “access”? The starting point is 50/50 residence and given their mother clearly can’t/ won’t provide an appropriate home for them he will be in a strong position to ask for more than that if he states that he left the relationship because she won’t provide a safe and clean home and evidences that he can and is doing so. The best interests of the child are what should matter and if the OP’s description is accurate then quite obviously the time the child has to spend in that environment should be minimised if there’s an alternative. What he needs to do is take action on this asap to ensure the child isn’t forced to endure this any longer than necessary and only for a percentage - ideally small - of the rest of the boy’s childhood.

“ You’ve made your bed & now you must lie in it “ 🙄…
You wouldn’t be someone now who is good at giving advice , & from the sounds of it struggle to be kind !!!!!
OP sounds like a geuine, good man & you’re not at all helpful with your snidy remarks…

My comment was an observation as I see it given OP is committed to his partner and they have a shared child. I also wished him good luck - the issue is with you interpreting that as ‘snidy’?! You have no clue about how ‘kind’ or otherwise I am based on that.

Additionally, you seem an unkind person to me pouncing on my observation and making such a negative assumption. So perhaps in future look in the mirror and take your own advice before you come all ‘holier than thou’ with others.

I’m not “ holier than thou “ , I am kind though & “ you’ve made your bed now lie in it “ is never said nicely & everyone knows that , also I got thumbs up on my take on your post , so clearly others didn’t think your remarks were nice either 🤷🏻‍♀️

It feels like there’s a lot missing from the OPs account and a lot that’s been run away with by people commenting. The first post was about feeling uneasy after the children destroyed things in their room. Feeling worried they would destroy more things isn’t unreasonable.

However stances have become more extreme following people’s take in the comments, and the account and responses are now feeling very skewed. Something is off.

On the other side of the story to what the OP describes, this seems to be about a vulnerable woman and children who have fled domestic violence and it’s missing a lot of nuance relating to this and genuine feeling from the OP about the mother and children in view of this, which raises questions.

In these circumstances it’s probable there are emotional issues that are unresolved with both the children and the mother that could understandably have caused some difficulties (who knows how one-off or frequent) that the OP can’t tolerate.

However the OP came into this woman’s life as a saviour and it seems like his feeling doesn’t run much deeper than this, despite him having had a child with this woman. Assumptions that she’s used him feel just as likely to be completely the opposite.

We get one line reported that she’s said but don’t know what else was said by either party nor how the woman and children have been supported or are coping in the wake of the abuse. The fact she’s not working could be down to what she has been through and could be how she was given social housing. She might have more mixed feelings about where she lives than the OP as it could be where she started rebuilding her life. His account sounds influenced by his politics. It might not be this, but whatever it is, there’s a huge missing piece to this story, and it’s coming over as a unnuanced and unbalanced. It’s worrying that pps who don’t know the full picture are encouraging a custody battle.

@fledglingflightthe OP hasn’t said there was domestic violence. He said her previous relationship was abusive but didn’t elaborate.

Ultimately many people have suffered trauma but when you are a parent it is your responsibility to prioritise your children and parent them properly and clearly that’s not happening if these children are being allowed to vandalise their own house deliberately and repeatedly, “smashing” their furniture etc. There is no excuse for raising a child in an environment like this with unchecked violent behaviour from older half siblings: it is neglect and OP’s son will be significantly impacted if this is how his childhood continues.

It’s perfectly reasonable for posters to advise that he needs to ensure his son is exposed to this as little as possible and has at least 50% residency so he can give his son a stable, normal, clean home free of violent and aggressive behaviour. What do you think people should have advised? Continue making excuses for the mother’s lack of parenting while the son suffers and enable generational trauma to continue to develop?

OP has been very unwise to try to be this woman’s saviour and have a child with her, as you say. Regardless, his responsibility now is to his son and it’s perfectly reasonable for posters to tell him he needs to leave and prioritise his son’s needs. Clearly somebody needs to do so given he states that the child is already suffering trauma from living in this situation. That is not acceptable regardless of what trauma the woman has in her own past.

She should not be giving up her secure tenancy and moving in to the house of someone who is only a partner not a husband. She would be crazy to do that with 3 kids, 2 of which aren't yours. Why did you think it was sensible to propose this? I understand that you don't want to live in her small council house any longer and that's fine, you have the means to buy a better house, but she shouldn't give up her own property.
What about if you move into the house and she spends weekends with you there with all the kids if they want - stay together but live separately?

Don’t expect anything to be any different. It won’t be. I give it 6 months. Might be an idea not to make any improvements or purchases until that time is over.

Agreed.
Good to know I'm not the only one who found those comments somewhat prejudiced and narrow minded.
Plenty of English blokes expose themselves too. Blimey - you should've grown up on my estate!!!
Speaking of which, I survived a rough upbringing, and had a very house proud mum who was (regrettably due to circumstance) forced to claim benefits. If memory serves I wasn't feral either.