Don't feel good about moving my Partner's children into my house

[P4r3nt]

Background: I have had a child with my partner. She has 2 children from a previous relationship (13 and 8, father not in their lives).

I moved into her council home andI I've tried my best to made the home a nice environment to live in (as it was cluttered, full of mold etc.). I redecorated all the rooms In the house, bought new furniture, tvs , white goods ..etc. Ive tried my best with her two, actually put a lot of effort in (I wont go on). We were getting on well, her two children are very unruly and ive found it hard to discipline because they're not my own. They have since destroyed their room, which I put effort into decorating. Destroyed their beds and furniture. Ruined the paint work. Broken the TVs. Smashed storage containers etc... You get the Idea. So I confronted my partner saying why didnt she put more effort in to maintain the kids rooms and look after it (i work full time, she doesnt). And she would respond with that its not her job.

To cut a long story short. Before meeting my partner I had quite a bit in savings. And my idea was to buy a nice property, in a nice neighbourhood. To give her and her children a nice environment to live. As they currently live in a small, terraced property in a very crime ridden area.

I've since bought a lovely property in a lovely neighbourhood. And thought I would be looking forward to it. I complete next week.

But I'm afraid that my partner will just allow her children to ruin my property that ive worked hard to purchase, if that makes sense. And I know it is jointly my responsibility to ensure that the house that I bought doesn't get ruined. But I work long hours and unfortunately worry that when I'm not there it will get ruined. As my partner thinks that it is not her job to maintain a property.

AIBU to feel uneasy about this? I asked my partner if what happened in the current house will happen in the home ive bought. And she said no it won't. But if she and her children had no respect for their current home, why would it be any different in the house ive bought?

Has anyone any advice of this kind of thing? I struggle to discipline her two children, I dont feel like shouting at them because they're not my own children. But at the same time they need it because they're very misbehaved.

Have you not posted about this same situation before?

You need a serious conversation with her, about respecting property and belongings, and her children's need to behave in a decent fashion and not destroy everything. She needs to get them to tidy their rooms and keep them tidy and not break stuff and live like that for a while before they can move into your house.

It is 100% her job to raise decent human beings.

It is a sad situation that you find yourself in, but you will only resent them if you let them move in and they destroy everything. But they need to understand that they can't behave like that.

The OP statesthe child is being raised in an awful excuse for a home where they are exposed to bad behaviour, low standards, unhygienic and unsanitary living conditions, half-siblings who trash and vandalise the house, a mother who doesn’t care about this and poor parenting with no discipline, and a chaotic lifestyle so why would OP only have the child with him every other weekend/ in school holidays? Surely his job is to maximise his time with his child in a normal, stable, clean home in a safe environment in which it is appropriate for a child to be raised.

Well if you get 50/50 your son will live in a nice untrashed home 50% of the time instead of none of the time

Don’t let her give up the security of her council home

This with bells on!!!!
you can’t discipline the children
your partner won’t discipline them either
your partner doesn’t care about maintaining any house
the children don’t care about maintaining any house
the house will be nicer than previous
the previous horrible/wrecked house won’t be available for them to return to
READ THIS REPEATEDLY AND LISTEN TO YOUR GUT

I realise this isn’t easy for you. However, you know exactly what going to happen if they move in as you’ve come straight on here and said it yourself 🤷🏼‍♀️

You need to do what’s right for you and your joint child.
You can’t change THREE people into something they’re not.
You’ll keep losing money and won’t be able to afford to fix anything or move on from the situation you’ve created.
Speak up now or you’ll life will be shit

You’ll be stuck with her and her feral children and have her claiming you’re making her homeless when inevitably you have to end the relationship, if you do let her move in with you. She’ll be painting you as the problem because God forbid that she could go and get a job and support herself and she’ll try to pretend you’re be to blame for her decisions and failings.

Leave her in her trashed council house and extricate yourself and your son as much as you can. Ignore her excuses for her neglectful parenting. Focus on what you can do now to ensure the best possible life for your child given your awful choice of a mother for him. I think my first post on this thread sets out the most sensible plan to protect him from further harm as much as possible, protect yourself and avoid you or him having to be around these people any more than necessary, or ending up the scapegoat for this woman’s failure to provide for her own children or herself, inability to provide them with a decent, clean home or standard of living and incapability to parent them properly and enforce appropriate values and standards of behaviour.

Why should a small child be taken away from their mum who works flexibly and their siblings who love them for 70% of the week to live with a parent who works very long hours?! How on earth would that be better for them, it would be hugely traumatic even if it’s a bigger house in a nice area

Sounds like a tricky situation. Maybe she could get a mutual exchange to a nicer area, that's what I did. Looks like she has no boundaries with her children which isn't good. Does she work? Will the house be in joint name? I assume she knows about the house. She is very lucky to have you.

She really should not give up her house. They are hard to get and especially as you sound like you may split up at somepoint anyway.
Yes your son will live in the area you dont like for part of the week. But so do many other children. He will be OK. His siblings are ok .
They will trash the new house . Mostly because your partner won't prevent it .

It very much does not sound like “his siblings are ok”.

@P4r3nt And she would respond with that its not her job. whose job does she think it is to teach her children to respect people and possessions?? I think it would be a very bad idea to allow those children into your home! they would end up wrecking it because they have never been taught how to behave by a lazy mother!!

you are not ready for any moving in ! Pause this! have some counselling. This advice from the heart - I have made a similar mistake in the past and it cost me 20 years of sadness.

Never in a million years would I go ahead with this. If you do, you deserve all the misery that comes your way because you already know you’d be crazy to do it!

OP stated their mother doesn’t work at all. Why should a child be left to live in unsanitary and unhygienic conditions in a house full of mould, with half-siblings who are much older and frankly sound terrifying for a small child who even vandalise and trash their own home, with a mother who despite being at home all the time and having nothing else to do but focus on parenting is clearly incapable of doing so and doesn’t see this behaviour from her older children as a problem and refuses to put appropriate boundaries for behaviour in place?

The OP quite rightly - if he’s a decent parent, or wants to be one - will not want his son growing up in such an environment or spending any more time there than necessary since the effect on his son’s upbringing and life outcomes will almost certainly be overwhelmingly negative.

Why would you think it would be beneficial for a child to spend the majority of their childhood in that type of environment rather than a clean and well-maintained, safe, un-chaotic home with a parent who is actually prepared to parent them and provide for them, away from disrespectful and vandalising older half siblings and the mother who neglects them and doesn’t care about how such a childhood will impact them? If the OP is prepared to provide a decent home in which the child can be raised, away from all of this, then why would it not be in the child’s best interests to spend the majority of his time in that stable home rather than the completely dysfunctional and neglectful one?

Nobody is saying the OP should try to cut off contact between the child and the mother, of course, but what possible reason would there be in such circumstances to subject to the child to that kind of horrific childhood unnecessarily if he could spend the majority of his childhood in a stable home with a decent parent who will care for him properly? Are you of this view just because it happens to be the mother who is a useless parent in this case?

Because you aren't

3 months is not long enough to test them, anyone could behave for a couple of days every week in someone else’s home, the test needs to last much longer ( 6 month) with them staying a week here and there to test how they behave on longer stays…..your house, your rules

More misogyny fan fiction

Get away from this toxic situation or you will have a whole world of misery for decades…end it and seek proper access to your son.

i have also read this exact thread before, so completion on that house is taking a while!

Your partner doesnt give a crap.
Its nothing to do with your surrounds that her house is cluttered and kids have wrecked everything that you made nice- she has let them.
Exactly the same will happen in the new house. Deosnt matter about the area, the fact they have no respect for their own home or appreciate keeping house half decent is not going to change.

Id live apart. To be blunt you dont want to be stuck with her and the kids living with you

Don’t move her into your new house. She and her children don’t have any respect for you, so at least have respect for yourself by not allowing her to treat you like a mug.

Hmmmmm... something feels off. I bet this isn't the full story.

It sounds like you are looking for ppl to come and tell you what a good guy you are. Probably to make you feel better when you leave your child in such a shithole.

I mean is she aware of the new house?

This is all very very strange. I feel uncomfortable that running throughout the OP there seems to be some sort of hope that posters on Mumsnet will be of the opinion that this person should be able to discipline, shout at etc. his partners kids. Not comfortable with this at all!

If there are genuine safeguarding concerns he would, and should, have already not returned his child there and alerted social services.

If there are not genuine safeguarding concerns (which there can't be or see above) he should get the normal access of a non-resident parent.

Moving them into his house would be self-sabotage.