Don't feel good about moving my Partner's children into my house

[P4r3nt]

Background: I have had a child with my partner. She has 2 children from a previous relationship (13 and 8, father not in their lives).

I moved into her council home andI I've tried my best to made the home a nice environment to live in (as it was cluttered, full of mold etc.). I redecorated all the rooms In the house, bought new furniture, tvs , white goods ..etc. Ive tried my best with her two, actually put a lot of effort in (I wont go on). We were getting on well, her two children are very unruly and ive found it hard to discipline because they're not my own. They have since destroyed their room, which I put effort into decorating. Destroyed their beds and furniture. Ruined the paint work. Broken the TVs. Smashed storage containers etc... You get the Idea. So I confronted my partner saying why didnt she put more effort in to maintain the kids rooms and look after it (i work full time, she doesnt). And she would respond with that its not her job.

To cut a long story short. Before meeting my partner I had quite a bit in savings. And my idea was to buy a nice property, in a nice neighbourhood. To give her and her children a nice environment to live. As they currently live in a small, terraced property in a very crime ridden area.

I've since bought a lovely property in a lovely neighbourhood. And thought I would be looking forward to it. I complete next week.

But I'm afraid that my partner will just allow her children to ruin my property that ive worked hard to purchase, if that makes sense. And I know it is jointly my responsibility to ensure that the house that I bought doesn't get ruined. But I work long hours and unfortunately worry that when I'm not there it will get ruined. As my partner thinks that it is not her job to maintain a property.

AIBU to feel uneasy about this? I asked my partner if what happened in the current house will happen in the home ive bought. And she said no it won't. But if she and her children had no respect for their current home, why would it be any different in the house ive bought?

Has anyone any advice of this kind of thing? I struggle to discipline her two children, I dont feel like shouting at them because they're not my own children. But at the same time they need it because they're very misbehaved.

Yes I'm well aware of that, and I feel the weight of the fact I will cause trauma in my son. Who doesn't deserve that. I wish I would turnback the time and have more self awareness.

But at this point in time, I have to deal with whats in front of me.

Do I split up have 50%custody. My son has trauma. He has a nice area/home to live in half the time. But then has to live in a rubbish crime ridden area the other half.

Do I stay together. Be resentful towards my partner and children. Cause trauma in my son because of arguments over the house/situation. And split anyway causing further trauma...

That is my dilemma

Totally understand,I'd be exactly the same about a child of mine .
Have you sat down with the her and the kids and put boundaries in place behaviour wise .
Why isn't their mum making them behave,why did she let them trash the place ..
Can she not manage them ? Or can't be bothered to ?

I wouldn’t move them in. I’d talk to your partner and ask your partner to get the DC behaving in the right way before that even happens. In the meantime get custody agreed through a CAO.

We waited 5 years before blending our family. Our teens were not ready so we lived separately.

This could be a good solution possibly. The only thing on my mind is my son would have to live in this crappy area.

I think , personally
You need to split up and get yourself to court for 50/50 asap.
Then pay for childcare when your at work
Much as it's not what I would want for my kids
I suspect your son will need some space from the other children and will be glad of a violence free home to escape to

Im not sure why she has no pride about her surroundings. I keep kidding myself to think maybe it would be different in a nicer home/area.

I feel like her children are a reflection of her own lack of respect for her home.

Go for 50% or 100% custody processed via the courts.

Re your next relationship, sort your contraception out regardless of whether your partner is on the pill or not. If you don't want another child with a feckless parent then you need to be choosier about who you date & sleep with. You need to vet people as suitable life partners before you sleep with them, not after the baby arrives.

But it's n normal for children to break the amount of things you are saying they have broken...
Why when given a .lovely bedroom did they ruin it .
Are they very damaged by the split with their dad

Answered your own dilemma.

Dont move this woman with a lack of respect and feral kids into your new home. Get 70-100% custody of your child and move on. Pat for childcare when youre working and leave the feral behind.

So where were you living before you muscled in on her house and then fortunately found enough money to buy a property of your own in a nice area?

Sounds as though you saw a chance to live free with ‘benefits’ ( after spending out a bit for a couple of tins of paint and some cheap furniture) but that hasn’t worked out to your satisfaction, you aren’t being treated like the god you think you are, the property is in her name so she has that important control , so you have changed tactics to give yourself the upper hand.

My advice to your partner is to stay where she is in her own secure tenancy, because if she leaves that to live in YOUR house, she will be living by YOUR rules and her opinion will count for nothing.

You're probably going to split up anyway. Your son will probably be fine for the next few years, it's not like the crime is likely to affect him directly ie muggings etc
I'd concentrate on an amicable split and securing a 50 50 custody arrangement. Find ways to care for your son whilst you are at work, I cant recall what age you said he was. But he can go to nursery or do wrap around care at school or something. Then you offer a stable home 50pc pf the time and, if things dont work out longer term with the ex and she cannot care for him, you have a viable alternative.

It's probably the only option for you

I feel like her children are a reflection of her own lack of respect for her home.

Yet you saddled your child with her as his mother 🤦‍♀️

What do you mean your son “has trauma”?

Split up, share custody, have the most amicable co-parenting relationship possible and provide the nice home for your son.

You shouldn’t have to see the home you’ve worked hard for destroyed. It probably won’t end well if you tried to tolerate it, so best to decide now.

Does this lack of care reflect in other aspects of her parenting?

Stop putting your energy into wondering how her older kids ended up like this. Focus on 50:50 residence for your son.

I suspect that is the reason especially with the eldest child. He resents his mother i think about her not being with his father. But he doesn't realise his mother had to escape that relationship. Thats why I have a lot of respect with her as a mother. Because of escaping abuse.

Its just the lack of respect for the home i dont understand and I can't live like that.

No she looks after the children well. They're always very well fed, clean, well clothed.

If you can’t live like that - you don't have to. You don’t have to try. It’s unfair on everyone, including you.

That's not all that it takes to be a parent. Parenting them involves teaching them right from wrong, not being feral

This woman has stitched you up good and proper hasn't she @P4r3nt ☹️

The kids aren’t the issue here. It’s your partner who has absolutely no respect and is not a great parent.

I came from a very disadvantaged upbringing and was your stereotypical teenage single parent living on a council estate etc - but my child would never act like this because I wouldn’t allow it and I raise them correctly to be grateful and respectful.

Why does she not work?
How is she ever going to move to a better area if she’s not putting in any effort for better her circumstances.

I don’t know what your relationship is like but it does seem quite one sided.

If it was me, I would tell her that HER attitude towards you and the lack of parenting of her kids has made you question the relationship and so you have decided to move out into the new home without her and you will see the shared child on weekends.

I would live separately and have a break for at least 4 weeks and then if you want to continue with the relationship then start having them all stay on weekends only.
Do this for at least 3 months and set the rules from day 1.
If they act up, then they cannot come anymore.

She has a lot more to lose than you do and if she thinks that she’s going to lose you/the benefits you bring, she will definitely start changing her ways.

You don’t have to see your child only on your days off, you can arrange your schedule so you can have a full 50:50. A 5:2:2:5 arrangement works well for that - you have eg Monday Tuesday each week, she has wed thurs, and you alternate Friday to Sunday. That means you can organise childcare and work so that you maximise time with him.

I know it’s tempting to think you can “save” them all, particularly if you have a bit of a saviour complex and she’s had a tough life. But it doesn’t sound like she respects you and nor do the stepchildren, and your expectations are just so far apart. If you move them in and split in a few years you are seriously harming them as they’ve given up a secure tenancy to move in with you. Your son will be far better off 50% with you and hopefully going to school in your nice area.

I’d split and share custody of your ds. Her kids are awful and won’t change. Theyll just bleed you dry - financially and emotionally.

Try to keep on good terms and don’t explicitly say you’re splitting because of her kids.

This woman will do everything she can to use your joint child as a lever and a weapon to get money out of you and whatever else she wants.

You say that she's said it's not her job to stop her kids from wrecking their home and the things you bought? That's really not being a good mum! Keeping them fed and clothed is the very minimum, and as she doesn't work, she has plenty of time to do it.

If you all live together in your new home, her kids will drag your son down to their level, they're not going to suddenly become well behaved kids because they're living in a different area.

It will be hard not seeing your DS every day, but you should be able to have him for the three days a week you're off work, so you can haveva lot of quality time with him, and he has respite from the chaos of his mums home. He may well want to spend more time with you as he gets older.