Don't feel good about moving my Partner's children into my house

[P4r3nt]

Background: I have had a child with my partner. She has 2 children from a previous relationship (13 and 8, father not in their lives).

I moved into her council home andI I've tried my best to made the home a nice environment to live in (as it was cluttered, full of mold etc.). I redecorated all the rooms In the house, bought new furniture, tvs , white goods ..etc. Ive tried my best with her two, actually put a lot of effort in (I wont go on). We were getting on well, her two children are very unruly and ive found it hard to discipline because they're not my own. They have since destroyed their room, which I put effort into decorating. Destroyed their beds and furniture. Ruined the paint work. Broken the TVs. Smashed storage containers etc... You get the Idea. So I confronted my partner saying why didnt she put more effort in to maintain the kids rooms and look after it (i work full time, she doesnt). And she would respond with that its not her job.

To cut a long story short. Before meeting my partner I had quite a bit in savings. And my idea was to buy a nice property, in a nice neighbourhood. To give her and her children a nice environment to live. As they currently live in a small, terraced property in a very crime ridden area.

I've since bought a lovely property in a lovely neighbourhood. And thought I would be looking forward to it. I complete next week.

But I'm afraid that my partner will just allow her children to ruin my property that ive worked hard to purchase, if that makes sense. And I know it is jointly my responsibility to ensure that the house that I bought doesn't get ruined. But I work long hours and unfortunately worry that when I'm not there it will get ruined. As my partner thinks that it is not her job to maintain a property.

AIBU to feel uneasy about this? I asked my partner if what happened in the current house will happen in the home ive bought. And she said no it won't. But if she and her children had no respect for their current home, why would it be any different in the house ive bought?

Has anyone any advice of this kind of thing? I struggle to discipline her two children, I dont feel like shouting at them because they're not my own children. But at the same time they need it because they're very misbehaved.

You will end up resentful, and in a trashed house. Split up, but absolutely make sure you fulfill your role and obligations as a father.

Great idea! Thank you for the advice.

Shes not going to magically manage to keep her children from destroying your property if she's not already managing to do so in her current property.

Absolutely do not move her or her children in unless there is massive improvement in their behaviour and if you see your child acting same nip it straight in the bud as I guarantee she won't as she says "it's not her job"

What a mess. Very irresponsible decision on your part to have a child with someone like this.

Your child should be your primary concern, not her or her children.

Clearly this relationship is doomed so focus on your child to minimise the amount of time he will be in this dysfunctional environment. How old is he? When will his applications for a school place need to be made?

I’d be inclined to play along with this “plan” of you all moving to your new house together until his school applications are made to a primary school in the new area and he has started school, but don’t actually move to the new house yet. Say you are doing work on it.

In the meantime once the house purchase is completed cut your work hours as you’ve stated you intend to do, so that you can spend more time with your son and ensure his exposure to these people is minimal, and demonstrate that you do 50% of parenting. Also perhaps look into ensuring he’s at nursery as much as possible when you are working, not in a house with older children who are destructive vandals and his/ their incapable mother; this doesn’t sound like a safe or appropriate environment for a small child.

Once he is enrolled in and has settled into school near your new house (so it won’t be in his best interests to move him) then tell your girlfriend this relationship is over, move to the new house on your own, and ensure you have your son 50/50 as a minimum. Amend your work schedule to genuinely do 50% of parenting and be present in his life and at least this way you can give him a secure and decent home away from neglect and feral half siblings and crime and a school likely full of people of a similar mindset.

It will be awful to have to leave him in this situation for the other 50% of the time but sadly this is the best you can probably do for him now, having made the decisions you have to date. Ensure you prioritise his needs from now on and if he isn’t being cared for properly during her 50% of time, is being neglected and is living in a house full of mould where everything is trashed - despite his mother not working so having all day to focus on parenting! - then you can try later to get full residency of him. Otherwise he may well decide when older to come to live with you anyway given the alternative which sounds horrific.

Bringing these feral people to live in your new home isn’t an option. Of course their behaviour won’t change. The relationship will break down. Then as others have said, this woman will pull a sob story about how she can’t leave because she’s given up her social housing. You’re doing her a favour too to break up with her before that happens, but also ensure you have a decent home for just your son and you and he is enrolled in school nearby, away from these people and the influence of the similar types of people you say live near them and doubtless also populate local primary schools.

You have made some very unwise decisions and this will negatively impact your son’s early life. Your focus now must be on damage limitation for him and doing everything you can to protect him over the coming years, putting him first in every decision.

Reading your OP your partners DC sound as though they fit in quite comfortably where they presently live if they've no respect for and have already smashed up/ruined what you've given them.

If you move them in you'll do so knowing that there's a good chance they'll do the same here, are you prepared to go ahead and have an "oh well" attitude.

Equally if the relationship breaks down how easy will it be to remove her and her DC from your house...

Remember this is MN, find back threads, once you move her in it becomes her house too and you'll be called a right arsehole if you try to kick her out.

Reading your posts, it is clearly a matter of when not if you break up. You sound miserable and like you feel like a benefactor rather than part of a partnership.

You therefore might as well get on with it since you have almost bought a house it's the ideal time to go your separate ways.

Your stepchildren will become increasingly feral as they hit their teen years and your son will benefit enormously from having another calmer home to escape to.

At least you haven't made the mistake of marrying her

Move into your new house on your own. You will adapt to a new routine. Save your sanity, you will go bonkers moving them into your lovely new home only for them to trash it.

I think you are at opposite ends of personalities and perhaps it's better to, if not break up, live on your own. You will be so upset if they moved in and trashed it, as would any sane person. It's about respect, if she doesn't enforce better behaviour with the children in her own home, why is she going to do it in yours?

Doesn't have to be like that. You can apply for 50:50 residency and then you use childcare and drop your child off/pick them up on the way to and from work like most working parents.
You do seem Incompatible.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them them the first time. All the red flags are there.
If you go ahead with the house purchase you are going to end up on the street.

He chose to create a child with her. She is only responsible for her shit decisions, not his.

Indeed, this is nonsense. Plenty of single mothers manage to work full time in demanding careers and have full residency of their children. Their ability to do this is not impacted by having a vagina rather than a penis, rather commitment to their child(ren) and acting in their best interests even if it’s hard work. They make the sacrifices needed because their children are the priority.

OP - you have let your son down with the situation you have brought him into in his early life. It is now your responsibility to ensure you minimise the damage caused by the poor choices of his parents, particularly as his other parent clearly isn’t going to do that as she thinks raising him in this appalling environment is acceptable.

You now need to stop focusing on what you want, how you might feel, how she might feel, her children, etc and prioritise YOUR SON. What is best for him should be the driving factor in every decision you make from now on, nothing else. Clearly that hasn’t been the case when bringing him into the world, or since, so now you must spend the next two decades behaving like a decent parent and putting him first and make this up to him as best you can. That is the least you can do, so that he has at least one decent parent.

And for goodness sake once you have established a stable home life for your child in your new home and extricated yourself from this awful relationship do not mix your romantic life and home life again and try to involve other women in your child’s life or move them in. Date people, or pursue relationships, on the days he is not with you and keep them separate if you wish to do so. Or - if you end up with full residency - get good babysitters in place. But don’t impose any more trauma or disruption of home life on him by trying to force your romantic life onto him as well.

Give this poor child some stability for the rest of his childhood and a secure and decent home whenever he is with you and fight for this to be as much of the time as possible. Be a decent parent: most kids are ok if they have at least one and it seems clear here that is going to need to be you so make this your priority now.

Could you please not talk about people not working, having loud parties and claiming PIP/UC? It just encourages the benefits bashing mentality on MN. How can you possibly know they're claiming PIP?

A lot of people claiming PIP/UC and not working have spotless homes and live quiet, respectable lives.

The 'immigrants' thing is another thing that makes me question whether you're quite as wonderful as you think you are.

That said, I don't think you should move this woman into your home for all of your sakes.

Fuck that run. They don't know how to live in a home they are scratters.

It's probably not a real thread. The sad truth is the majority of people you see protesting are not working. The other truth is if we don't have people working in this country by having immigration then how will people get their PIP and UC payments.

Hi, OP -

It most certainly is your partner’s job to keep her children from breaking the furniture you bought for them. What did she mean by claiming otherwise?

I agree with PP that the best thing for everyone is for you to move to your new place alone and establish a joint schedule for your DS. If your partner protests, go to mediation. You may need to pay some child support but this will be manageable. Seeing how much you want a relationship with your DS, don’t let his mum talk you into less time, which increases the £££ as she may know.

If you like, start to invite the others for daytime, then overnight, visits. I would not hesitate for all of them to know why, but I would be careful to stay calm about it and not to sound critical.

If anyone starts to be destructive in your home you can intervene if their mum doesn’t do so immediately. Again, be prepared to be very matter of fact - criticising the action not the child, etc. But feel fee to tell your partner you need to cut the visit short if her kids have caused too much stress.

Has something happened to traumatise your DS, OP? Otherwise, gently, could you be attributing trauma to him because of the rough neighbourhood? Young children don’t notice. It’s much riskier when they are older.

OTOH if DS is being traumatised within the household, all the more reason to get him out of it.

This is madness stop the house purchase if you can …..do not let her move in under any circumstance!

you need to split up and sort access to your son….do not let her move in if you go ahead with the house purchase.

No no no. You keep your house and leave her in hers. She sounds lazy and entitled and there is no way I’d be having kids in my house who had zero respect. It will happen again, of course it will
and she’ll say it’s not her job to deal with. This would be a dealbreaker for me. Get a contact order for your joint child and leave her to it.

This is something that you should have thought about before having a child with her.

It’s too bloody late now to unpick this!

Do not move them into your new home. She's proven they will not respect it.

She don't want the man all she wanted was his sperm.

You'd be mad to live with them. Just enjoy your home and have your child over every other weekend and one night in the week and half the hols and provide them a lovely clean room and live a happy life.

If you won't get that contact out of spite just file a c100 to family court and get it within a few months.

If this woman and her children are so awful, and her home such a dump, why on earth would you get her pregnant?
As my husband would say "get a nodder on it"

And monthly child maintenance payments until the kids is 18.

So I confronted my partner saying why didnt she put more effort in to maintain the kids rooms and look after it (i work full time, she doesnt). And she would respond with that its not her job.

Whose job does she think it is? Did you ask?

Why doesn’t she work?