Don't feel good about moving my Partner's children into my house

[P4r3nt]

Background: I have had a child with my partner. She has 2 children from a previous relationship (13 and 8, father not in their lives).

I moved into her council home andI I've tried my best to made the home a nice environment to live in (as it was cluttered, full of mold etc.). I redecorated all the rooms In the house, bought new furniture, tvs , white goods ..etc. Ive tried my best with her two, actually put a lot of effort in (I wont go on). We were getting on well, her two children are very unruly and ive found it hard to discipline because they're not my own. They have since destroyed their room, which I put effort into decorating. Destroyed their beds and furniture. Ruined the paint work. Broken the TVs. Smashed storage containers etc... You get the Idea. So I confronted my partner saying why didnt she put more effort in to maintain the kids rooms and look after it (i work full time, she doesnt). And she would respond with that its not her job.

To cut a long story short. Before meeting my partner I had quite a bit in savings. And my idea was to buy a nice property, in a nice neighbourhood. To give her and her children a nice environment to live. As they currently live in a small, terraced property in a very crime ridden area.

I've since bought a lovely property in a lovely neighbourhood. And thought I would be looking forward to it. I complete next week.

But I'm afraid that my partner will just allow her children to ruin my property that ive worked hard to purchase, if that makes sense. And I know it is jointly my responsibility to ensure that the house that I bought doesn't get ruined. But I work long hours and unfortunately worry that when I'm not there it will get ruined. As my partner thinks that it is not her job to maintain a property.

AIBU to feel uneasy about this? I asked my partner if what happened in the current house will happen in the home ive bought. And she said no it won't. But if she and her children had no respect for their current home, why would it be any different in the house ive bought?

Has anyone any advice of this kind of thing? I struggle to discipline her two children, I dont feel like shouting at them because they're not my own children. But at the same time they need it because they're very misbehaved.

But if you don't move her in to your home ,she's likely to end the relationship and that means your own child is living in that dreadful area

Exactly - you've no obligation to her children. Just think of the cost of decorating their current house as an expensive lesson learned and cut your losses

You can't have your child living with you ,if you don't have hers too
I think you needed to be firm when they first started recking things
Do they have disabilities that makes them behave like that

Leave her where she is

Move into your nice house

Focus on building a relationship with your child.

Stay in the relationship with her as long as it works on some level, when it stops co-parent well. You can have 50/50 custody and when your child is older they can chose to live with you. Probably best to try and make the relationship work till your child is a school as you work FT.

But if you don't want to do this then for heavens sake don't marry her or put any of the house in her name.

They sound like a nightmare. Do not move them into your new home under any circumstances!!!! It sounds like you are trying to rescue them. You can’t change people. Move on and find someone respectful with the same values as you. Complete on your lovely home and move in alone. That way you create a nice space for someone else in the future.

She has no respect for your hard work and you clearly have mismatched values.

I could not be with someone who didn’t take pride and care in their home living environment, and the fact that she’s bringing up her children with the same lack of values says it all. They will not change. This has disaster written all over it.

Sadly you need to end the relationship and coparent your child. You deserve better and you are only looking at a life of intense stress otherwise.

Yes this is my main worry. If we split i will only have my son when im off (3 days a week on average). Then he has to live in that area without me being there to protect him. I'll worry every night

You sound like you have a bit of a saviour complex. But she doesn't want saving.

You want to fix her house, she doesn't care. You want to move her to a nice area, but she doesn't value those things so of course will trash the new one.

You can live together and you accept your house will be trashed. Or separate and accept you won’t live with your son.

If they move in, you’ll only be resentful and angry and the relationship will end anyway. Best to make the decision now, I think.

This relationship won't last. If you care about her and her dc AT All please don't let them move in with you because they will then lose their secure tenancy and be worse off in the long term. She shouldn't give that up without being married because it makes her and her dc vulnerable to homelessness

How long have you been together?

Was the child you have together planned?

So you decided to have a child with someone whose children and parenting you despise, and now you’re worried it won’t end well?

Don't do it mate. I've been there. Have your relationship but have your nice house to yourself.

It’s so important to make sure that your values align before having children together. This is going to be tricky.

So you noticed that she was a crap mum with feral kids so you decided to bring another poor child into this shitshow?

Why is it that people can’t sort out a stable home and relationship - maybe even get married and commit? - before bringing a child into the mix? It’s infuriating when children are in this situation through no fault of their own because their parents couldn’t figure it out before they were born.

Do not move her into your house, it will be a disaster and you will be stuck with the situation because she will have nowhere to go.
Get 50/50 custody of your child and concentrate on bringing them up properly and teaching them good values.

You should have thought of all of this before you had a child with her.
You must have known what a rubbish mother she was before you decided to have a child with her.

I think you should discuss with her quite bluntly that it would be madness for her to give up her social housing, because if your house gets trashed, the relationship won't work (& there are lots of other ways it go wrong, shit happens...) & then she'd have to move back out with the older two.

So a trial 6 months where, as co parents, you keep both your properties, but she & the kids stay over regularly. Don't go OTT creating rooms for the children; just get serviceable IKEA furniture & let them bring their toys, consoles etc when they visit.

Re-evaluate if everyone is getting on - the kids are young, they are capable of learning better habits!

If she's not up for that, ok. Amicable split & you co parent your joint child in separate houses.

I'll be honest with you I felt sorry for her. She got abused in a lot of ways from her previous relationship. And like another poster said, I probably do have a saviour complex. Ive always been like that. I always try to help those in need.

Why did you have a child with a woman who struggles to parent her existing children? Surely, that alone was the clue on how she would parent any future children with you.

Split now and co-parent separately, you will become a nightmare step parent because you'll want to protect your property. That's no way to live for either party and your gf shouldn't give up her council house to live with you. If the relationship fails then she'll be at the back of the queue for her next council house.

You can feel good about that if you like, but there’s an innocent child now who’s going to suffer for your decisions.

You’re a cash cow being used. Do not move these people into your new home, make a lovely place for you and your son and go for 70% custody.

I agree.

Yes, you’re a saint, a martyr amongst men and the very best of the best.

it doesn’t sound like you respect her or want to live a combined life. So don’t. End the relationship, pay decent maintenance for your child or have them 50/50 and do your utmost to maintain civil relations for the sake of your child,

So you disapprove of her parenting and how she keeps the house, yet you've gone on to have a child with her? That seems really foolish frankly. It's unlikely that she or the children will change, if they move into your house they will likely carry on as before. Your best bet would be to leave and apply for 50/50 custody of your child.