How old is too old to have a child?

[Spookygoose]

I keep hearing about women freezing their eggs in their early/mid-30s to delay having children. It makes me wonder what age they actually plan on having these kids if they are only freezing their eggs when they’re already in their 30s. When they’re in their mid-40s?? It seems that freezing eggs is seen as some sort of magical solution to your biological clock, as if not being able to conceive is the only issue with having kids in your 40s or beyond. What about having less energy as you get older, the toll pregnancy takes on your body, being significantly older than all the other mums, potentially dying when your child is barely an adult etc? It’s got me thinking, how old do you think is too old to have a child? I did IVF and had my son in my mid-30s. I’m now 40 and have some embryos still frozen that I could potentially use to have another child. I would love to give DS a sibling but am not currently in a place in my life where it would be practical. I’m starting to let go of the idea of having another one, however I’m not 100%. If my situation changed by the time I was 43 or 44, I’m really unsure if I would want to have a baby at that age. Mainly because I just feel I’d be “an old mum” and I don’t want to feel like that. But AIBU? I really don’t know 🤷‍♀️

Not normal no, but not exceptional for people in their mid 40's to be having kids.

There are many factors that might make having kids easier or harder; some people in their 20's are lacking in energy through poor lifestyle and physically incapable of running around after their kids. Some people in their 40's run marathons and and physically incredibly fit and well. If you want to be a good parent in your 40's you can be.

Generally I would say you are too old to be a mum when you cannot conceive naturally. There are caveats to this - if you have prematurely gone into menopause eg due to cancer treatment or just genetics (let’s say under 42) or where ivf is needed for medical reasons then it’s fine but only up to this normal window, this is in line with NHS guidelines. Past this natural conception window, using ivf seems wrong to me

I was 34 and 38 when I had my dc, my mum was 18 and 23 when she had my sister and then me. I feel I have experience of both young and older mums. My mum is amazing, probably the best mum ever, she knew she was young and felt she was always being judged so she made it her business to do the absolute best she could and tbh, she nailed it. I am older so people assume I’ll jump in with the slating of young mums, they learn pretty soon that I won’t.

That said, I’m a pretty damn good mum myself. My dc are now 23 and 19 and I’m 58, I’m still young enough to keep up with them, have high energy levels and an interest in the world they’re living in, I can keep up with fashions and technology, I actually work in a very technical industry, so I’m often still ahead of them in that respect. Honestly, age has so much less to do with being a good mum than personality.

So many people here saying it’s hard for young people to look after aging parents, try looking after old people when you’re pretty old yourself, My parents are healthy and fit now, in their early 80’s, so are expected to live into their 90’s, as did their parents, I’ll be cracking in for 70 by the time they need my help, I’ll be knackered!

There’s really no perfect ages. You’ll face issues at some point, no matter what.

My personal cut off was 35. I didn't have the smoothest journey. Many will have children later than this, so it's individual really. I think about 42 was the latest age I'd have been physically capable.

I think there is a difference between 34 or 38 and 43-45. I had my son at 37 and I don’t feel any different to other mums and don’t feel like I’m too old. However I feel that I would if I was 43-45. I mean, maybe I wouldn’t, I guess there’s no way of knowing without experiencing it

It's too individual to ask such a question. Had my second at 43, naturally.
I don't understand why, if you are wealthy enough to have eggs frozen, you don't just have the children while you have the money work a bit less.

Finances never entered my decision as I've always been working class and not well off. It was all about timing. I'm at a time where raising them is all I want to do so am doing it.

It's that simple for me. I'd not have another though am probably able to do so in a few years' time.

I think up to 45, even maybe 50 is fine. Not ideal of course but if you have extra help to deal with lower energy, a hands on spouse helping with the parenting, a support network etc. it all helps.

I don't think people should plan to have kids at that age, of course being younger is mostly better, but for some people life doesn't pan out that way.

One point people often forget is that while people are certainly having their first children older, women in the past very much did still have kids well into their forties. My grandad who was born in 1918 was the last child of his mother, born when she was 45. And then he was nearly 50 when my mother, his last child, was born.

I froze mine when I was 32 as I was single. I met my child father when I was 34 and had our planned baby naturally when I was 36. My eggs are srill
on ice in case I meet the love of my life and we want a child together as I’m nearly 40

I think 42 tops.

Forty would have been the cut off for me. Had mine much earlier but certainly wouldn’t have wanted any after forty. Energy wise i felt young in my fifties, as young as I was in my thirties, but once into my sixties I’m really getting tired and am very glad no kids still at home. The majority of our friends have had serious health concerns too

Had my oldest 2 at 20 and 22yrs and youngest at 37yrs. Easy uncomplicated pregnancies and straightforward births with all 3 so was up and active straight after giving birth.

Tougher financially with older 2 whereas with youngest been able to establish a career but own home. I find youngest much more exhausting but think that’s maybe as i’m juggling working more alongside her and playing taxi for older 2 whilst having a baby was exhausting. But overall we have fun.

If was adding a child/one more child due to new relationship at an older age i would but would not be adding more as it’s exhausting. Women in my family do tend to live to very old age with little health issues though so would be more worried if history of younger deaths

Personally I would have the cut off of 44/45 but that's based on ability to deal with all years.

I do however have a few friends who's partners/husbands are over 50 and have young children (age gap in relationships average of 11 years).

I had my children at 32 and 35 and would say in my area for DS1 I was on the younger side of most mums.
Most mums around here second or third child the mum is between 36 and 42.

Yes, but your experience of being 43 is as a mother of a young child having spent the last 6 years pregnant and raising a small child, with all the sleep deprivation, juggling and exhaustion that goes with that. You are bound to have less energy than a child-free 43 year-old who hasn’t gone through any of that and who has prioritised self-care and exercise, can afford frequent restful holidays etc.

It’s only 5k to freeze I lost 30k taking a years maternity leave let alone the costs of baby stuff. I didn’t have a partner when I froze them

This is spot on.

I don’t necessarily think there is much difference, I’d be OK having a 12/13 yo now. I think there’s a responsibility to maintaining your health which probably isn’t there to the same degree when you’re younger, but I see plenty of parents in their 40’s who are distinctly unfit and unhealthy. I know 38 isn’t as old as you were meaning but I think my comment on it being personality rather than age that has the greatest impact is valid. Plus the 38 was really in response to others who were saying over 35 or there abouts is too old.

For me personally - up to 32 at the very most. I didn't want to be an old mother, didn't want to be in my 40s with a baby/toddler. My child will be a legal adult when I'm 42 and that's exactly how I planned it.

Generally, I think about 42 would be a cut off. No one - female or male - should have children in their 50s, IMO. That's just selfish and unfair to the child.

I'm happy to have had children in my very early 20s as I'm now able to play a big part with grandchildren and would not be surprised to be around for a good few years with great grandchildren. I was basically free by my late 30s and able to please myself.

I was basically free by my late 30s and able to please myself.

Whereas I was free to enjoy my 20s and early 30s with no responsibilities (no children and parents middle aged so not yet needing support) before having children to care for. In my 50s now, kids are teenagers and the first will be off to Uni this time next year, both their grandmothers still live independently. Life expectancy is early 80s in this country and women who have children late are more likely to have a long life.

Around the age of 40-42 is to old, when the body struggles to concieve naturally & the risks of having a disabled child rockets.

I conceived DS at 41 the first month of trying. He's now a teenager and I'm still having periods. Lots of women are still fertile into their 40s.

I’d say once you start perimenopause that’s your body trying to tell you something. I wouldn’t push against nature. So in my case it would’ve been around 40.

IMO, 43-44 - for the child’s sake. Grown adults can do whatever they like. But I think it’s best for a child to have healthy parents, good relationships with grandparents/the generation above their parents, cousins, aunts/uncles. It’s good for them to see and learn what middle age and old age look like, what life holds in store, to benefit from the experience of older people. That’s an ideal scenario. Also obvious to compromise outcomes in pregnancy.

Just my personal opinion.

I’m 35 and ttc. I feel I’m old 😣😢 I would give up at 40-41 and succumb to opening a hotel for dachshunds.

Loads of women have kids in their 40s and have done for many years - well before IVF. It’s a daft question because it’s an entirely person decision. Yes of course if you’re well over 50/60 it’d be bonkers but many women naturally conceive over 40. It would be too old for a lot of people (including me) but that doesn’t mean it’s too old for you.

I am in your shoes. I initially set myself a cut off of 40 but I'm now considering pushing it to 41 because frankly I'd like to do nice stuff not being pregnant for my 40th birthday and I have a couple of nice holiday ideas with DC for the same year. I had bad issues with multiple unexplained pregnancy losses before at what was considered prime time for having a child so IMO it's all full of shit. I spent several years trying to succesfully give birth to a living baby which had a huge impact on where I am now with only one DC, I always wanted 2. But tbh I am not so convinced now. Like I said, I will have a nice few months celebrating my 40th and then a year of not preventing getting pregnant, I think. I'm also on a healthkick and want to lose some weight, for me, and in case I get pregnant too. So might be 41, after all, or no more kids for me.

Btw, I don't judge anyone's age or cut off. I think we need to talk about maternal mental health, men being crap and the financial squeeze as huge factors in decision making here more than age, it's just a number.