How old is too old to have a child?

[Spookygoose]

I keep hearing about women freezing their eggs in their early/mid-30s to delay having children. It makes me wonder what age they actually plan on having these kids if they are only freezing their eggs when they’re already in their 30s. When they’re in their mid-40s?? It seems that freezing eggs is seen as some sort of magical solution to your biological clock, as if not being able to conceive is the only issue with having kids in your 40s or beyond. What about having less energy as you get older, the toll pregnancy takes on your body, being significantly older than all the other mums, potentially dying when your child is barely an adult etc? It’s got me thinking, how old do you think is too old to have a child? I did IVF and had my son in my mid-30s. I’m now 40 and have some embryos still frozen that I could potentially use to have another child. I would love to give DS a sibling but am not currently in a place in my life where it would be practical. I’m starting to let go of the idea of having another one, however I’m not 100%. If my situation changed by the time I was 43 or 44, I’m really unsure if I would want to have a baby at that age. Mainly because I just feel I’d be “an old mum” and I don’t want to feel like that. But AIBU? I really don’t know 🤷‍♀️

I do feel qualified to answer since I have 5 quite spread out . My first was at 23 last was at 38 . 23 was so much easier and I feel.able to help with DGC . At 38 the night feeds were much more difficult and he was a very good baby . But we have a great relationship.as well . For many the later age is the only option and I certainly wouldnt have missed out on any of them .

For me I didn't want any kids past 30 but that's because I'd had my first at 23 and once you're onto your second / subsequent kids it is more about how they will fit into existing family dynamics etc

At 36 I now feel far too old for a baby but that's more about being so totally over it where babies in general are concerned. Plus cumulative tiredness from parenting for 13 years already 😂

I think many are older parents now, at least in London, I don’t think you’d be particularly exceptional to be 45-50 and be a first time parent. With age comes experience, I would have been an awful parent in my 20s, despite being very fertile, I didn’t own property or have savings to pay for childcare and all the other luxuries that make life better for all.

That is really interesting. It was the complete opposite for me, I was at a key stage in my career at 27-35, I had my DD at 36 as that seemed like sufficient career building to step off for a year. Even that absolutely terrified me. Do you mind me asking what line of work you are in?

I had my second at 43, no I didn’t feel different. Several of my friends had babies at the same age. I think I was probably more tired than a younger mum, I would have loved a baby in my twenties but my life didn’t pan out that way. Now I am in my early 60s and youngest dd is 18, I love it. It’s really nice having teenagers at my age. Daughters don’t mind that I am older than a lot of their friends’ parents.
My main regret is that I will get less time with them than if I’d been in a solid relationship at 27 and had a baby then. I feel lucky to have got pregnant very swiftly in my forties though.

I’m 38, and although I’ve more or less decided to stick with having one child, I’ve told myself that if I ever did change my mind, I’d only give it until 40. One of my biggest fears is the possibility of having a child with additional needs. I know that sounds harsh, but my sister had special needs and it was incredibly hard and life-changing for my parents — I just don’t feel I’d be strong enough to go through that myself. On top of that, the idea of still being deep in the parenting trenches at 50 or 55 doesn’t appeal to me at all. I’d much rather be enjoying adult-only holidays and city breaks with a glass of wine alongside my (then) 20-year-old. 😆 In saying that that is very personal to me and I know a few who have had kids until 42/43.

There have been cases of women having fertility treatment in their 60s and I would say that is too old. Mainly from the point of view of life expectancy, and potential health issues in older age.
I wouldn't says 40s is too old, but I also think that the average age of mums can be dependent on area/demographics. Having a baby at 40 wouldn't make you stand out in the school playground as an older mum, where I am.

This can’t be true! That you wouldn’t stand out as a first-time (or any time I would’ve thought) mum with a baby at 45-50 in London. I’d say maybe you wouldn’t stand out having a baby a 40, but 45-50..really?!

I’m an older mother of an only child. I was 42. I’m not sure I would entirely recommend it, but for me personally it’s been wonderful.

I didn’t deliberately delay motherhood; I just met DH very late in life. While those ‘lost years’ could be a source of sadness, for me I think the wisdom and pragmatism outweigh any downsides.

Something nobody tells you is the difference that having a 40-something’s money and established career make to child-rearing.

I can afford to pay for the best of the best - brilliant healthcare, brilliant nanny-housekeeper, brilliant nursery, catchment area of a brilliant school. I was able to take off 2 years for ‘maternity’ leave. DH and I have been able to attend every single school event and match because we’re too senior and established in our careers to need to request permission. We’re always around, WFH has basically enabled us to raise our kid while working FT (the nanny is just a spare pair of hands).

I realise we’re very lucky v. the general population, but the biggest luck was just the timing - timing that most people counsel against, certainly on MN.

The main thing that puts me off being any older than I am now really (40) is not being able to be there for my child when they’re a young adult, because of poor health or dying. I think you still need your parents in your early 20s and I want to be here. Also I’d worry about my child worrying about how old I was throughout his/her childhood. I heard on the news recently about a couple in their 70s in the UK having their first child! It was the husband’s sperm, donor eggs, and a surrogate carried & gave birth to the baby. I’m not generally a fan of policing people’s choices like this, but I don’t think that should be legal. If you’re so old you can’t conceive or even carry the pregnancy, that’s nature’s way of telling you you’re too old to be a mother. Having your parents turn 80 (if they even make it that far) before your 10th birthday is just incredibly cruel IMO.

Had mine 24, 27, 32 and 34. Two in my 20s and two in my 30s. By far I bounced back easier in my 20s after pregnancy.

Imo its less about age, it's what you are doing with those years instead of prioritising your unborn child having a parent around for longer.

I think there's a big difference between freezing them because of illness/recovery compared to say being in a relationship with a man leading you up the garden path about getting married and having kids one day and freezing eggs because you want insurance.

On the former example, you're putting your unborn child first, in the latter, you're putting your need for codependency first.

One of my son’s friends (they’re in Y1) his mum is 50 (I’m 40). She’s lovely, chatted with her a lot, she spent years trying to have him and finally at 44 IVF worked. I never view her as ‘old’, she’s the life and soul, very sociable, fun and easy to get along with. She’s super successful too, her son has an amazing life. I’ve never once judged her for her age - only time I remember it being a thing was when she told me how old she was and I almost collapsed with the shock! She doesn’t seem it at all.

I had my ds4 6 months ago. I'm 43. In hospital I felt like the oldest one there, there were 2 lots of 3 new parents on my ward (I stayed 2 days these people stayed 1 day)
Every other mum seemed young and had their partner stay with them, while I was there all alone as my husband had to stay with our 3 kids. I had a cesarean and when I caught sight of myself hobbling to the toilet I looked about 90 years old!

Forgive me for playing devil's advocate in a really distasteful way, given the current climate you could argue that having a child at an older age and dying when your child is 30 would give them the best chance of getting on the housing ladder.

One of my parents lost one parent in their teens and another when they were shy of 40. Inherited and retired at 50. Both in very good health until they suddenly weren't and had a close relationship woth each.

Money is no substitute for time, but I had 20-something parents and lost one young anyway so there are no guarantees in lofe I did have their most fun and active years tho.

There's some recent research saying that later pregnancy can prolong lifespan due to the stem cells so may not be all bad. Personally I had my first mid 20s and remember being in a baby class where virtually everyone else was mid 40s. I'd imagine the likelihood of that varies by area.

The view of what an older mother is very much determined by your environment. I once chatted to a woman who said she'd “left it late” to have her son. She was 32 when he was born. Same age as me when I had my first which was seen as normal in my social circle. In her social circle it was geriatric.

I’m burnt out by years of parenting and was also diagnosed with cancer aged 46, but I actually think I’d have done better having them younger. I was too set in my ways by my 30s and found the transition hard. My granny was in her 40s when she had my dad but he was her 11th!

I don't think its relevant if I thought I could have a baby in my 40s, I would say no because I already have two teenagers who hard enough work I can't imagine having to find time for a baby. However my SIL had her first baby at 42yrs and she is loving it. They have a lovely house and plenty of savings, I wouldn't say she has less energy than me when my babies were younger.

OP - you seem to be strangely concerned with people’s perceived opinions of you.

Nobody cares how old you are, and nobody knows your age anyway.
Do you live in a village where people all know each other and each other’s business?

In addition - kids don’t see the age the same way adults do. A 5yo, even a 10yo - is not going to look at their 40-50yo mother and judge her as too old. It’s not a thing 🤷🏻‍♀️. I have heard kids of much older men - (think 3rd wife, etc) - upon reflection when grown up say - Dad was old, couldn’t do much. But that is rare. And also depends more on what parents did - activities, holidays - rather on how parents looked.

Women have kids in their 30s and 40s, certainly in London, and others don’t care or notice. If anything - in Central london it’s more noticeable if a mother is too young. Where I live - most women have had careers and did not have children in their 20s.

As to not being around when kids are young adults - if you have kids in your 40s - you are in your 60s when kids are adults. Surely you are not suggesting that at 60 we are feeble and nor being able to be there for our kids.

Any parent can of course develop health issues and die suddenly - that is a concern for all parents, but it can strike at any age.
But if you are generally healthy and take care of yourself - people can still lead normal lives i to their 60-70+ - and certainly see their kids well into adulthood.

You’re right, I am concerned with others’ opinions of me (well, more that I’d be a much older mum than all my friends/family) yes, I know I shouldn’t give a shit and it bothers me that I do but I can’t help it. It’s not my main concern though, I really worry that the child will feel I’m “too old” and I worry that I will die or get a serious illness in my 60s (there’s a family history)

I think my limit would be 40-43ish. Though I had DS at 36 and then twins 16 months later and that was me definitely done!

I’m 35 and don’t feel done yet. I would be happy to have another one at some point in the next 10 years.

Agreed - in my experience of working in the City it's very unusual for people to have kids before mid 30's.

Mid-late 30s yes, but 45-50 being normal, even in very wealthy areas of London I find hard to believe

I think it depends how many children you want. If I go down the baby route, I know I would only want one, so starting ‘late’ is not so much of an issue. If you want 3 or more children, starting at 40+ is a bit risky.