To not get up when my DSD wakes up?

[Frozened]

I’ve been with my DH for 3 years, DSD is 6. I work full time in a hospital and it’s really full on. I have always loved sleep! I will sleep for hours and hours if I can.

DSD is with us half the week, and always at the weekend. Yesterday she was dropped off at 7am so I got up with DH and was with them all day.

today, DSD got up at 6am and DH got up with her. I’ve just woken up now, and I can sense DH is annoyed I didn’t get up too.

we don’t have any shared DCs atm, but we are trying to conceive in the new year.

aibu to sleep in and let DSD dad get up with her?

Oh an go on the step parenting forum to see how many women bitterly regret having a child with these losers.
They are left doing childcare and feel stuck.
They don't get to enjoy their own child, can't go anywhere with just their child, are guilted constantly for wanting one on one time with their child.

Bitter regret over their decision to have a child and be used for childcare.

Oh and he is so exhausted with a bit of childcare now, yet you want to add another baby into this mess?

You can't pretend it wasn't crystal clear that he is lazy and has no interest in parenting the child he has.

Nope, it's not your child and you need to address it head on before it gets worse.

If I was you, I'd wait until DSD is in bed or gone back to her Mum and say,

"I sense you were annoyed I didn't get up with you at 6am and I want to make sure we're on the same page. I love spending time with DSD and you, but she's not my child or my responsibility. I need to be clear with you that whilst I can help you out and occasionally step in for you if you're in a bind, I won't be taking on the heavy lifting of parenting her, and that will apply after we have our own child to. Are you happy with that?"

And if he's not, this relationship isn't sustainable.

He should be able to manage half the parenting himself, although I do think every weekend is an odd set up. Doesn't her Mum want to spend time with her on the weekend? If he wants lie-ins and lazy Sundays then he needs to re-negotiate the agreement with her Mum and look at week on/week off or 5-5-2-2.

LTB

Absolutely not. It's his child, why do you need to get up?

I wouldn't be having DC with this man. It's clear that you'll be the one doing the majority of the work.

Six is old enough to entertain herself until her dad is ready to get up. What else is the purpose of Sunday morning TV? (or the modern equivalent)

He doesn't want a wife. He wants to offload childcare.

Once you have a baby with him you are stuck.

Get out now. That may sound dramatic but this man sees you as an appliance. There to do the labour that he doesn't want to.

I have a friend and her husband thinks that parenting is her job. Despite her earning more and working full time.

I will never forget the weight of the sadness I felt for her when she said that if she died, her DH would be remarried within a year because there's no way he would look after the kids on his own.

I promise you that when you have children with him, he will expect you to do all the childcare.

I would be reconsidering the relationship.

For the love of god 🔊DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH THIS MAN⚠️
If you have a joint child it will be much easier for him to manipulate and control you.

I have a 6 year old. I don’t get up with him if he gets up at 6am! Sod that! He can entertain himself for an hour or so.

I won't be taking on the heavy lifting of parenting her, and that will apply after we have our own child to. Are you happy with that?"
And if he's not, this relationship isn't sustainable.

⬆️ I have no doubt that @InMyShowgirlEra means well, but this man will tell you whatever he thinks will get you to comply with him and have a baby with him.
Once you are committed, when you are locked and have surrendered to him any leverage or power that you could have had, then he will exploit you and there will be nothing you can do.

Why on earth would two adults need to get up to look after one child? Even if this was my own child I would just take it in turns with my partner to get up early!

to be honest men always have this entitlement that we have to help them get their own shit done!

Don't pussy foot about this matter - just tell him bluntly -
''SOD THAT FOR A GAME OF SOLDIERS''

• A clear messages needed here - nip it in the bud asap.

One six year old doesn’t need two adults with her at every moment.

You already do drop off etc?!?

Stay in bed. He’s clearly trying to shift parenting responsibilities onto you.

men feel entitled to the unpaid labour of women.

That's not necessarily the case. I'm a stepmum and in my marriage there's been a few times when one of us has had to set the other straight on something and usually it's been absorbed well. For example, shortly after we had her own baby, DH took to taking half an hour to "decompress" after work and we had to have a chat about expectations. After a whole day of managing a newborn, my need for half an hour was greater, but I also realised that he needed time too, so we agreed that he took the baby for half an hour straight after work and then when I felt more human, he got his half an hour.

Similarly, there's been times either when I've overstepped as a Stepmum or he's expected too much of me as a Stepmum and we've both needed a reminder and reality check about where we stand.

No-one is perfect and in a good marriage you should be able to address these things.

Your DH sounds like a self-pitying, selfish child.

I am curious now as to why his first marriage ended....

So basically he's the type who thinks that if he has to suffer, you should too. Nice. He obviously doesn't need you sitting there in the kitchen, with him and his child. There is no reason for you to get up too other than him being resentful of you for not having to get up. Wow.

He's also trying to shift his responsibility onto you. This is his mindset. It will only get worse when his responsibility load increases (i.e. another child).

Whining, leaving the door open, and making guilt-tripping statement to try to get you to do as he wants is deeply selfish and immature behavior.

As a parent myself, getting up at 6 with your child is not that big of a hardship, not one worth pitching a mini tantrum over as he is doing with the comments and trying to lure you from your slumber. The fact that he seems to resent doing this and furthermore, that he resents you for getting some rest, is an enormous red flag.

The fact that he seems to think that you should equally share the "burden" with HIS child is also unreasonable. He sounds petty, jealous, and extremely immature.

This is a total red flag. I can imagine that if you do have a baby with him you will be getting up with the baby and his DSD, while he lies in bed.

Having said that, you have been in this little girl's life for three (?) years. She probably can't remember a time when you weren't her daddy's wife. If you are not totally committed to being a parental figure then I would question why you got involved in the first place. I still think you are entitled to your lie in and day out with your friends - I just think you should try to see it from a six year old's perspective.

I didn't even get up with my own child when they were 6! Old enough to sneak down and put the TV on themselves

Not after pulling the crap he did this morning I wouldn't.

Ah come on, it's fine for her to do this if it suits her.

Interested to know if you got out alone today op..
And keen to know his attitude when you get home.

It's not often that we are able to so clearly see what our future will have in store for us as this

I would be thinking very hard about what your joint parenting might look like in the future as it seems that childcare is firmly a 'you' problem, in your husband's eyes

I think DHs expectation is that we are a family and we should do everything together. He says DSD wants me to be with her when she wakes up.

Oh nooooo to both of these things OP! It is a load of rubbish that families should do everything together (and impossible when they are a bit older anyway as one of you ends up taking the eldest to their Saturday morning swimming lesson while the other one takes the youngest to a classmate's birthday party etc.), especially weekend mornings which are best divide and conquer! When ours were younger and breastfed at night I did most of the night wakings (DH still did some nappies) and he got up with them every single morning to let me catch up on as much sleep as possible. When they slept well we alternated lie ins. Then when we potty trained the three year old she had a sleep regression so now DH does the overnights and I do the weekend mornings.

It's either sweet or alarming that his daughter wants you and not him when she wakes up (is he trying to interact with her or just putting on the telly and ignoring her?), but either way he needs to redirect her that weekend mornings are currently their one-to-one Daddy and daughter time and your lie ins are to be respected. Should you have children with him (and I'd be giving that idea some serious thought and discussion) then you will find a more shared approach to early mornings as you would then have a shared child and of course you will include SD in that case but there is absolutely no need for you to do so now.

I would never ever expect a boyfriend to get up early with me and my toddler, in fact I’d prefer they didn’t so I got that one on one time nurturing my child.

even with our joint kids, of course we don't both get up at 6AM. When kids were young enough to need supervision, one parent got up and let the other one sleep.
With a 6yo, neither parent would get up at that hour. If they wake at 6, they can amuse themselves quietly.

This! Plenty of times DH has let me sleep in and taken the kids in fact a lot of the times. You need to be careful about having kids with someone who doesn’t want to parent. Also, never really understand young, educated and free women tying themselves down with men who have kids already. Is the pool really that bad?