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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get up when my DSD wakes up?

218 replies

Frozened · 14/09/2025 09:10

I’ve been with my DH for 3 years, DSD is 6. I work full time in a hospital and it’s really full on. I have always loved sleep! I will sleep for hours and hours if I can.

DSD is with us half the week, and always at the weekend. Yesterday she was dropped off at 7am so I got up with DH and was with them all day.

today, DSD got up at 6am and DH got up with her. I’ve just woken up now, and I can sense DH is annoyed I didn’t get up too.

we don’t have any shared DCs atm, but we are trying to conceive in the new year.

aibu to sleep in and let DSD dad get up with her?

OP posts:
Tink3rbell30 · 14/09/2025 11:03

Do not breed with this man. You will be expected to do everything.

SplendidUtterly · 14/09/2025 11:04

You don't need to both get up with her.
Have a lie in, you deserve it!

Dweetfidilove · 14/09/2025 11:04

Frozened · 14/09/2025 09:22

I suppose I feel a little guilty, as if DSD was my child, I would absolutely get up with her.

I love DSD, and we’ve got a lovely relationship. But I’m not her mum, she has a mummy who she loves a lot!

I think DHs expectation is that we are a family and we should do everything together. He says DSD wants me to be with her when she wakes up.

I bet she's perfectly fine to have him to herself for these few hours, then hang with you both for the rest of the day.

Ignore the big baby and let him carry on. He has the rest of the week to catch up on his sleep.

PorridgeEater · 14/09/2025 11:05

I wouldn't want to get up - some of us are not morning people! As others have said, it's strange that she never spends a weekend with her mother - maybe DH should re-negotiate this?
Some men are lazy too keen to let the woman do the work - this could be you if you have a child.

Pastaandoranges · 14/09/2025 11:05

Both of our kids are ours and we live together. Only one of us will get up to suoervise when they wake up at the weekend. They wake up EARLY, we both work full time and there is no need for two tired adults to be up at dawn. There isnt much to do at that time anyway, in the summer you can go for a walk but as winter draws in then it is perfectly acceptable to give them a slice of toast or a pieve of fruit or whatever, turn the TV on, grab a blanket and snooze on the sofa for an hour until a more acceptable getting up time comes around to start the day, so it's not even hard. He can get up, make a drink and snack and then chill on the sofa for a couple of hours.

Lotsofsnacks · 14/09/2025 11:15

you don’t need to get up op if u don’t want to, and you can see where this is going when it comes to having your own baby with him.
The emotional blackmail of saying DSD wants you to get up with us (if she even did say that, if I was hjm would be saying you are tired and will be up later, and try and distract from that) and him purposefully leaving your bedroom door open so you’ll get woken up anyway. You can tell him wants you to be doing the early mornings

Katheclepto · 14/09/2025 11:18

Hmm it’s tricky. We take it in turns with my own son. As she’s your SD, I would maybe let husband have a lie in once in a while?

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 14/09/2025 11:21

Frozened · 14/09/2025 10:16

I do “muck in”, I look after her when DH is at work, pick ups from school, I just don’t think I need to get up with him?

Show quote history

You absolutely don't need to get up and don't let him guilt you into believing otherwise.

More seriously, think long and hard about having children with him - he already thinks you should get up with your DSD - what will happen when it's your own child and he thinks "well, Frozened is up anyway so I'll just not bother".

MeinKraft · 14/09/2025 11:21

Katheclepto · 14/09/2025 11:18

Hmm it’s tricky. We take it in turns with my own son. As she’s your SD, I would maybe let husband have a lie in once in a while?

Would you? I wouldn’t.

myglowupera · 14/09/2025 11:31

If you have a baby with him, he will take full advantage when you get up with your shared dc because he will be all,

“What difference does it make you getting up with dsd? You’re up anyway with dc. Zzzzzzzzzzzz”

You’ll more than likely be the one up with dc every time as well. There will be no taking turns. So you’ll also then always be the one up with dsd too.

I can write the script because I was that mum/stepmum and my ex was a pathetic man like that.

PestoHoliday · 14/09/2025 11:36

Hell no! I didn't get up wth my own at 6am when they were 6! They are perfectly capable of amusing themselves in their rooms for an hour or so at 6am with books or toys.
This isn't a toddler you're talking about, it's a child of reading age.

More worryingly, your partner is trying to guilt trip you into getting up to take care of HIS child. The comments about not sleeping well, the idea she'd like you to be up with her as a family... nope! That's him trying to get you on side with being up at a horrible time of morning. Before you know it it will be "no point in both of us losing a sleep in" and "taking turns" for a lie in, and suddenly you are parenting his daughter.

This is a snapshot of how he'll be if you have a baby together, OP.

viques · 14/09/2025 11:40

Frozened · 14/09/2025 09:23

He keeps coming in and saying he is tired, that he didn’t sleep well. He has now left the door open to our room

Show quote history

First of all you are allowed to get out of bed to close a door, it doesn’t count as getting up.

Second of all, here’s a tip for him, if you are the default parent for an early riser and need your 9 hours kip, then you plan your bedtime to match their getting up time.

I expect you will find that he is hoarding these not getting up mornings to use against you when you have your own child, when they will become “ You never got up when xxxx was an early riser, so now it’s my turn for a lie in.” He will of course have forgotten the early weekend mornings when you got up, the school mornings when you got up, the school holiday mornings when you got up, the days he was a bit poorly with man flu when you got up, the days when he was off with his mates on a jolly when you got up and parented his child for the day…..

birdling · 14/09/2025 11:40

LardoBurrows · 14/09/2025 10:24

Why is DSD with you every weekend? That means the mother gets to have a lie-in every weekend and a child free weekend every week. The weekends should be alternate, the child-free weekends should be shared - that mother has wangled herself a very nice arrangement, put a stop to it now.

The mum might be working at the weekends.
Not all jobs are Mon-Fri.

Op, does he ever get a lie in? Is he getting up early every weekday for work, then getting up early every weekend with his daughter?
Perhaps he is genuinely exhausted this morning if he didn't sleep well. Does he usually indicate that he would like you do it it or is this a one off?

cakeisallyouneed · 14/09/2025 11:44

So if you have a baby is he envisioning you both getting up every time the baby needs feeding in the night because if the baby’s up, you should both be up having ‘family time’? I doubt it.

TBF to your DH though, most co parenting arrangements tend to split weekends (e.g. every other weekend) If he is finding every weekend tough, this should be a convo with the ex not with you.

FeedingPidgeons · 14/09/2025 11:47

Frozened · 14/09/2025 10:16

I do “muck in”, I look after her when DH is at work, pick ups from school, I just don’t think I need to get up with him?

Show quote history

Why are you picking her up from school and providing free babysitting?

He should finish early or pay for wraparound care.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 14/09/2025 11:49

cakeisallyouneed · 14/09/2025 11:44

So if you have a baby is he envisioning you both getting up every time the baby needs feeding in the night because if the baby’s up, you should both be up having ‘family time’? I doubt it.

TBF to your DH though, most co parenting arrangements tend to split weekends (e.g. every other weekend) If he is finding every weekend tough, this should be a convo with the ex not with you.

Or he is envisioning OP getting up alone.
If he's genuinely exhausted up 7 days a week, I would offer to do one day, every 2nd weekend, I'd take a day nap later.

JadziaD · 14/09/2025 11:50

Even if you are sharing care of your DSD with your DH, why on earth would you BOTH get up at 6am? That's bollocks. which suggets to me that no, it's not about"family time" it's about him wanting an easier life at 6am becaue you take the pressure away from him having to entertain her.

If you really want to share things, then take turns to get up early. Both of you getting up at the crack of dawn is crazy. And will be ridiculous when you hou do have a child of your own.

Lavenderflower · 14/09/2025 12:03

I think this a red flag - I would consider your relationship with him

Redpeach · 14/09/2025 12:05

If he was so in to cosy family time, perhaps he should have made it work with his childs mother, or did she leave him

FinallyHere · 14/09/2025 12:08

“I can sense DH is annoyed I didn’t get up too”

time for a conversation about how he parents his child. But honestly, do you really want to be with this man? Have DC with him? Please have a think

Facecloth · 14/09/2025 12:09

So you have married a lazy avoidant man who doesn't want to parent.
Classic shit father who quickly found another woman/skivvy/ free au pair, to take on the parenting load.

He is also showing controlling tendencies by showing his displeasure at you not doing what he wants.

TTC?
You would be mad to have a child with this waster.
He will only be worse if you have a baby.
He will then do even less as he expects YOU to care for both children.

Wake up before it is too late.
He is showing you the real man.

As an experiment, be completely unavailable for a few weeks while he spends time with HIS child.

THEN you will see the real man.
Why did his other relationship end?
Funny how quickly these losers line up a mug to be free childcare for them.

Handmethegunandaskmeagain · 14/09/2025 12:11

I’d be pointing out that you do pickups and look after her while he is at work. That’s your contribution.

I get it’s hard with stepkids, and you do need to be a family, but if she was your joint child you’d be splitting it. It wouldn’t be expected you get up all the time. Maybe in your head treat this like a trial run for having a kid with him: suggest whatever schedule you would like to share the getups and see how he reacts. Could be illuminating.

usedtobeaylis · 14/09/2025 12:11

You will blink and suddenly he'll be the one having lie ins while you get up with his child. This is what he's angling for by keeping moaning to you about being tired and leaving your door open. Don't do it. Make it clear to him that she's his daughter and he is primarily responsible for her. You don't need to do everything together and it sounds like you participate in a family dynamic at other times. Don't give up on spending weekend time with your friends either. Hold the line, because it will be a hundred times harder to reinstate it in the future if you give in.

usedtobeaylis · 14/09/2025 12:12

EmeraldShamrock000 · 14/09/2025 11:49

Or he is envisioning OP getting up alone.
If he's genuinely exhausted up 7 days a week, I would offer to do one day, every 2nd weekend, I'd take a day nap later.

Edited
Show quote history

If he's exhausted I think he should be looking at renegotiating with his child's mum, not expecting his current partner to pick up his slack.

SirBasil · 14/09/2025 12:16

Frozened · 14/09/2025 09:23

He keeps coming in and saying he is tired, that he didn’t sleep well. He has now left the door open to our room

Show quote history

me? i would slam the door and lock it from the inside to make a point.
Later when it's just you two you need to talk about this. We alternated early weekend mornings (both our DC though) and so i would probably say, in your shoes, that i would be prepared to do one day (as you did yesterday) but that you absolutely want an uninterrupted lie-in on one weekend day too.

And i wouldn't be having a child with this man.