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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get up when my DSD wakes up?

218 replies

Frozened · 14/09/2025 09:10

I’ve been with my DH for 3 years, DSD is 6. I work full time in a hospital and it’s really full on. I have always loved sleep! I will sleep for hours and hours if I can.

DSD is with us half the week, and always at the weekend. Yesterday she was dropped off at 7am so I got up with DH and was with them all day.

today, DSD got up at 6am and DH got up with her. I’ve just woken up now, and I can sense DH is annoyed I didn’t get up too.

we don’t have any shared DCs atm, but we are trying to conceive in the new year.

aibu to sleep in and let DSD dad get up with her?

OP posts:
Needlenardlenoo · 14/09/2025 10:13

OP, if you know any adults who've grown up in blended families ask them. I guarantee many will say that however nice step parents (mums) were, they craved time with their actual parent.

Having said that, I did know a girl once whose step mum was considerably more use to her than her useless bio parents (and stayed in friend's life after her dad split with SM).

BusWankers · 14/09/2025 10:14

Merryoldgoat · 14/09/2025 10:04

Now there are a lot of assumptions in your thread.

If the little girl is there every weekend and he does all mornings I don’t think it’s surprising he’d like a lie in or a hand.

You have no idea if he’d expect OP to do every weekend. Maybe he would just like a lie in.

This is a little girl who has been in OP’s life for 3 years. I don’t understand the point in having a long-term relationship with someone with children if you’re not going to muck in.

I know two step parents who ‘kept their distance’. After some years of separate relationships and responsibilities (as advocated on this thread) the children’s mothers died, children went to live with the respective families and it was a shit show because there was no foundation to the relationship.

Show quote history

The OP tells us everything here.

It's her step daughter.
DH got up and then starts the BS tactics of "I'm tired....."

"DSD wants to spend time with you..."

Coming upstairs and leaving the door open....

It's VERY CLEAR that he expects her to be up regardless.

I can guarantee 100% that had OP got up at 6am to see to DSD, the DH would still have been in bed and wouldn't have got up as well.

OP not being default parent won't stop her having a decent relationship with the child. Not will not getting up with her one day a week.

He had a child and he has to suck it up and get up with her every morning she's with him.

romdowa · 14/09/2025 10:14

I don't even get up every morning with my own children 😅

BlueandPinkSwan · 14/09/2025 10:14

Cherrytree86 · 14/09/2025 10:10

You should get up every morning she is with you Op, every single morning. You are a family now.

Really? It doesn't take two people to look after one child who gets up early, as long as OP was up and about by 7.30 /8am what's the big deal?
A lay in until midday on a regular basis would obviously be selfish.

Original poster
Frozened · 14/09/2025 10:16

Merryoldgoat · 14/09/2025 10:04

Now there are a lot of assumptions in your thread.

If the little girl is there every weekend and he does all mornings I don’t think it’s surprising he’d like a lie in or a hand.

You have no idea if he’d expect OP to do every weekend. Maybe he would just like a lie in.

This is a little girl who has been in OP’s life for 3 years. I don’t understand the point in having a long-term relationship with someone with children if you’re not going to muck in.

I know two step parents who ‘kept their distance’. After some years of separate relationships and responsibilities (as advocated on this thread) the children’s mothers died, children went to live with the respective families and it was a shit show because there was no foundation to the relationship.

Show quote history

I do “muck in”, I look after her when DH is at work, pick ups from school, I just don’t think I need to get up with him?

OP posts:
NotABiscuitInSight · 14/09/2025 10:17

Basically he finds it boring and wants someone else to help/do it instead.

He knows you want a baby. He knows framing it as family time makes you feel special and knows aaying DSD wants you makes you feel obliged. Like how dare you let down his child because you wouldn't let down your own.

Nope.

BusWankers · 14/09/2025 10:18

Frozened · 14/09/2025 10:16

I do “muck in”, I look after her when DH is at work, pick ups from school, I just don’t think I need to get up with him?

Show quote history

You don't.

BusWankers · 14/09/2025 10:19

Cherrytree86 · 14/09/2025 10:10

You should get up every morning she is with you Op, every single morning. You are a family now.

Ha ha 😂

I don't even get up every morning with my own kids!

ThePoisedOtter · 14/09/2025 10:20

Yes, I agree with the other posters on here, he’s being very selfish.
But why is DSD with you every weekend if as you say, she loves her mummy very much?

Coldnightsapproachingwhereismyduvet · 14/09/2025 10:22

Hell I never even got up at 6am with my own dc!!
The joys once they could use the TV remote or make cereal.

Wait for the dsd wants to meet your friend today....

Chazbots · 14/09/2025 10:22

You'll end up doing 100% of the parenting if you have a baby for both DC.

Think carefully whether you want this.

When did he leave his ex? When she expected him to help with the baby/toddler?

WatchingTheDetective · 14/09/2025 10:24

There's no way I'd even consider having a baby with this man. He's completely selfish. This is his child and he wants you to take care of her. He's jealous of the fact you have time to yourself. That tells you everything.

LardoBurrows · 14/09/2025 10:24

Why is DSD with you every weekend? That means the mother gets to have a lie-in every weekend and a child free weekend every week. The weekends should be alternate, the child-free weekends should be shared - that mother has wangled herself a very nice arrangement, put a stop to it now.

Eddielizzard · 14/09/2025 10:24

'I think DHs expectation is that we are a family and we should do everything together. He says DSD wants me to be with her when she wakes up.'

No. He wants a lie in while you get up with her.

Parky04 · 14/09/2025 10:30

Why would he get up? Surely, a 6 year old can make themselves breakfast and put on the TV?

Heartyredbeaker56 · 14/09/2025 10:36

Frozened · 14/09/2025 09:10

I’ve been with my DH for 3 years, DSD is 6. I work full time in a hospital and it’s really full on. I have always loved sleep! I will sleep for hours and hours if I can.

DSD is with us half the week, and always at the weekend. Yesterday she was dropped off at 7am so I got up with DH and was with them all day.

today, DSD got up at 6am and DH got up with her. I’ve just woken up now, and I can sense DH is annoyed I didn’t get up too.

we don’t have any shared DCs atm, but we are trying to conceive in the new year.

aibu to sleep in and let DSD dad get up with her?

He is showing you how things will be when it's your own child, only worse, as it will be every day which will likely cause not only you to feel like you are doing all the work but you will likely grow to resent and dislike him. I wouldn't be having a child with him until this has been discussed and expectations set. I would start with asking why it requires both of you to be up, tired and neither being able to lie in? Red flag btw. Would be interesting to hear his response to that question - it will likely tell you all you need to know.

Jack2025 · 14/09/2025 10:36

tell your dh to not use his daughter to guilt trip / manipulate you into getting up with him… and just as he can open the bedroom door, you can just as quickly close it!
this is also the perfect opportunity to him spend quality 1:1 time with daughter…

EmeraldShamrock000 · 14/09/2025 10:38

No need for two adults to wake up.
She is 6, old enough to entertain herself for an hour at 6am.

HeidiLite · 14/09/2025 10:45

He keeps coming in and saying he is tired, that he didn’t sleep well.

How would you getting up as well help with this anyway?
No, he means you should get up to entertain DSD and he should get a lie-in.

Cherryicecreamx · 14/09/2025 10:50

I've been the mum when I've had partners live with me. I've got up when my DS rises super tired because in all honesty I've hit the hay too late after enjoying an evening with partner after he goes to bed.
I've never asked or expected them to get up with me as it is my child and I would be wanting the lie in if it was his. Having said that of course I was jealous of him being able to sleep whilst I walked around like a zombie.
You're in all your right to lay in but anyone sleeping in the house when you can't can wind you up and sleep deprivation can make us more touchy! I really did appreciate when my partner got up with me, it felt more of a team like were in it together.

outerspacepotato · 14/09/2025 10:53

He's manipulative and wants you to do his parenting for him so he can sleep.

This is a preview of what life is going to be like if you have a baby with him. When you are on maternity leave, he's going to shift more and more of the parenting to you.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 14/09/2025 10:55

Cherrytree86 · 14/09/2025 10:10

You should get up every morning she is with you Op, every single morning. You are a family now.

Er, why exactly?

FioFioSILK · 14/09/2025 10:55

I didn't get up with my own DC their Dad did. It's called parenting. Sounds like your DP needs parenting by you. May be a factor in his last relationship ending. Being a parent is hard work. He's avoiding it. And why is he saying DSD wants you to get up with her. What's this a guilt trip. Tell him to do one!

Feelinguselesssigh · 14/09/2025 10:59

There is a step parents board. Maybe go hang out there before having a baby with this man.

does he expect you to pick up all his parenting.? How much does he do around the house?

I would have a very clear convo about this asap. Sulky men are NOT sexy

CasualDayHasGoneTooFar · 14/09/2025 11:01

I don't think i would be having dc with him if this is his attitude

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