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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get up when my DSD wakes up?

218 replies

Frozened · 14/09/2025 09:10

I’ve been with my DH for 3 years, DSD is 6. I work full time in a hospital and it’s really full on. I have always loved sleep! I will sleep for hours and hours if I can.

DSD is with us half the week, and always at the weekend. Yesterday she was dropped off at 7am so I got up with DH and was with them all day.

today, DSD got up at 6am and DH got up with her. I’ve just woken up now, and I can sense DH is annoyed I didn’t get up too.

we don’t have any shared DCs atm, but we are trying to conceive in the new year.

aibu to sleep in and let DSD dad get up with her?

OP posts:
InterestedDad37 · 14/09/2025 09:31

His child, his responsibility. Clearly you have a good relationship with her, and you 'did your bit' yesterday (not that you have 'a bit' to do, but...) She's not your kid. She's his responsibility.
Has it been an issue before? Is this a foretaste of what's to come if you have your own DC? Maybe reconsider this - if he's ready to pass responsibility on to you for a child who isn't yours, he will definitely be doing it if you have one together.

AutumnFroglets · 14/09/2025 09:31

Frozened · 14/09/2025 09:23

He keeps coming in and saying he is tired, that he didn’t sleep well. He has now left the door open to our room

Show quote history

He thinks parenting is YOUR job even when its not your child. He is manipulating you via emotional abuse. I highly recommend you look it up - its behaviour designed to change your behaviour even when you don't want to, ie keep waking you up so you get up, or leaving the door open to force you up due to noise.

This is your future with him, do you really want that?

BusyMum47 · 14/09/2025 09:31

Frozened · 14/09/2025 09:22

I suppose I feel a little guilty, as if DSD was my child, I would absolutely get up with her.

I love DSD, and we’ve got a lovely relationship. But I’m not her mum, she has a mummy who she loves a lot!

I think DHs expectation is that we are a family and we should do everything together. He says DSD wants me to be with her when she wakes up.

No she doesn't- HE wants you to be with her when she wakes up! 😆 You're only upstairs in bed - you haven't left the house - she can wait a few hours while HER PARENT parents her!!

Coffeeishot · 14/09/2025 09:32

Most parents with young children are decent enough to share weekend lie ins, i know we did when ours were little. Your husband is trying to manipulate you and getting his dd involved, you don't have to get up.

MumChp · 14/09/2025 09:32

Frozened · 14/09/2025 09:22

I suppose I feel a little guilty, as if DSD was my child, I would absolutely get up with her.

I love DSD, and we’ve got a lovely relationship. But I’m not her mum, she has a mummy who she loves a lot!

I think DHs expectation is that we are a family and we should do everything together. He says DSD wants me to be with her when she wakes up.

We have raised 3 chilldren and none of them got to decide which parent had a lie in or got up. Parents are in charge not a young child.
We would very rarely both get up with an early raiser. No need to.

GeorgeClooneyshouldhavemarriedme · 14/09/2025 09:33

InterestedDad37 · 14/09/2025 09:31

His child, his responsibility. Clearly you have a good relationship with her, and you 'did your bit' yesterday (not that you have 'a bit' to do, but...) She's not your kid. She's his responsibility.
Has it been an issue before? Is this a foretaste of what's to come if you have your own DC? Maybe reconsider this - if he's ready to pass responsibility on to you for a child who isn't yours, he will definitely be doing it if you have one together.

Every word of this.

Time for some boundaries and a serious conversation about the future.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 14/09/2025 09:33

I would think very carefully about having a child with this man.

arcticpandas · 14/09/2025 09:33

Frozened · 14/09/2025 09:22

I suppose I feel a little guilty, as if DSD was my child, I would absolutely get up with her.

I love DSD, and we’ve got a lovely relationship. But I’m not her mum, she has a mummy who she loves a lot!

I think DHs expectation is that we are a family and we should do everything together. He says DSD wants me to be with her when she wakes up.

🤣🤣🤣 I call bs on that. Its him wanting you to manage his daughter the lazy fucker.

SteakBakesAndHotTakes · 14/09/2025 09:35

No, this is really pathetic. This isn't about him wanting you and her to bond, it's about him being lazy and selfish and avoiding his responsibilities. 'Tired and didn't get a good night's sleep'???

He will be 1000x worse when it is your child

Kbroughton · 14/09/2025 09:35

When my DD was little me and my exh took it in turns for a lie in. We didn't both get up with her. The onus is on him as its his daughter but I would be worried about this. If you have your own its fairly obvious what will happen....

Merryoldgoat · 14/09/2025 09:35

I wouldn’t want to get up for a child who wasn’t mine, but I also wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who had a child if I wasn’t prepared to take on a proper parenting role.

You’re just setting yourself up for a world of resentment and the children will feel it as they get older.

AliasGrape · 14/09/2025 09:36

Even if it was your shared child, both getting up early with her would be totally unnecessary. DH tends to take the hit on the early mornings more than I do honestly, I just love my bed more than him haha, but I’ll also make sure he gets a lie in at least one day at the weekend (and I tend to do more of the night time wake ups so it evens out).

I’d also find the ‘we need to do everything together all the time’ thing overbearing and controlling honestly - of course you don’t!

ParmaVioletTea · 14/09/2025 09:36

DarkForces · 14/09/2025 09:20

I'd be thinking carefully about what his expectations of you will be when you have a shared child. Will he expect you to always be up with him then? It'll be far harder than with a 6 year old sleep wise.

This was my first thought as well. Looks like he already thinks you’re the automatic and default parent.

Digdongdoo · 14/09/2025 09:36

If he's like this with his child, imagine how he will be with your child...

Woompund · 14/09/2025 09:37

He's being pathetic. She's his child, his responsibility to do the shit bits of parenting. And yes I'm a step mum and have a DS who my DH is step dad to. Trying to force step parents into a full on parent role is pointless and unhelpful. Step parents can and should foster good relationships with their step kids but the hard bit are on the actual parent.

arcticpandas · 14/09/2025 09:37

Frozened · 14/09/2025 09:23

He keeps coming in and saying he is tired, that he didn’t sleep well. He has now left the door open to our room

Show quote history

I would be so angry about this. You tell him to let you sleep and close the door. What a selfish man!

Doorbellsandknockers · 14/09/2025 09:38

Actually neither of you have to get up. I told mine please go down stairs, turn tv on (with rules about what to watch). Grab a banana if youre hungry, drink water (ensure cup access).

Your husband should arrange this and be responsible if she needs anything. Your husband sounds annoying.

mamagogo1 · 14/09/2025 09:38

At 6 no way would either of us be getting up, quite old enough to operate the remote control and help themselves to food. Obviously being dropped off is a bit different

Haggisfish3 · 14/09/2025 09:38

I would expect him to expect you will get up with any other dc you have and he will refuse to get up with them as he’s getting up with his dd. I would seriously reconsider dc with this man.

ComfortFoodCafe · 14/09/2025 09:39

Yanbu. His child, he gets up with her especially imas you don’t have any children of your own!

Woompund · 14/09/2025 09:39

Merryoldgoat · 14/09/2025 09:35

I wouldn’t want to get up for a child who wasn’t mine, but I also wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who had a child if I wasn’t prepared to take on a proper parenting role.

You’re just setting yourself up for a world of resentment and the children will feel it as they get older.

Why do you need to take on a 'proper parenting role' with a step kid? Who does that benefit? Does anyone actually think that children want their parents' spouses to be 'proper parents' to them? They really don't, assuming they have two decent parents already.

MumChp · 14/09/2025 09:40

arcticpandas · 14/09/2025 09:33

🤣🤣🤣 I call bs on that. Its him wanting you to manage his daughter the lazy fucker.

Show quote history

Most likely kid would like to adults to serve her...
Dad's job to say no.

Whatifitallgoesright · 14/09/2025 09:40

When you are on maternity leave you WILL become default parent to his daughter unless you start talking about this now.

MrsBlobby64 · 14/09/2025 09:40

Run for the hills OP and don't look back..

ComfortFoodCafe · 14/09/2025 09:40

Just read your updates, dont have a child with this man. He will expect you to get up with dsd and future dc while he lies in bed its obvious with the way hes behaving now.

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