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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get up when my DSD wakes up?

218 replies

Frozened · 14/09/2025 09:10

I’ve been with my DH for 3 years, DSD is 6. I work full time in a hospital and it’s really full on. I have always loved sleep! I will sleep for hours and hours if I can.

DSD is with us half the week, and always at the weekend. Yesterday she was dropped off at 7am so I got up with DH and was with them all day.

today, DSD got up at 6am and DH got up with her. I’ve just woken up now, and I can sense DH is annoyed I didn’t get up too.

we don’t have any shared DCs atm, but we are trying to conceive in the new year.

aibu to sleep in and let DSD dad get up with her?

OP posts:
SaratogaFilly · 14/09/2025 09:58

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/09/2025 09:25

He says DSD wants me to be with her when she wakes up.

Bollocks. And straight up manipulation. Nasty. Tell him she needs one to one time with her dad, to close the door and leave you alone until you choose to get up.

This! His attitude will only get worse unless you sort it now. He’s showing you the type of nan he is Op (selfish, expecting you to do what he wants, guilting you, manipulating you etc) so you should believe him.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/09/2025 09:59

Yanbu. Even if she was both your child, lots of couples alternate lie ins

And in any case, 6 is old enough to tell the time or use a grow clock and be told you can go down and watch TV or play quietly in your room and don't come and wake us up til 7.30 or whatever

MsPavlichenko · 14/09/2025 10:00

PollyBell · 14/09/2025 09:30

Honestly how do you think having a baby with him will go down? Can you see this ending well?

Don’t dismiss this. He is already showing you who he is. He may couch it in terms of “ family time”. I would put money on him really thinking it’s women’s work albeit subconsciously. Think very carefully.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 14/09/2025 10:00

But, if you are awake anyway, then why not get up and make it more fun for him? If your parents came to stay, would you expect him to get out of bed and be sociable?

Why on earth should she get up early on a Sunday when she doesn't have to?

Also, if my parents were visiting I would in no way expect DH to get up and socialise Confused

CreteBound · 14/09/2025 10:01

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/09/2025 09:25

He says DSD wants me to be with her when she wakes up.

Bollocks. And straight up manipulation. Nasty. Tell him she needs one to one time with her dad, to close the door and leave you alone until you choose to get up.

This. He’s a lazy man who doesn’t want to parent alone. I’d be reconsidering breeding with this man.

Driftingawaynow · 14/09/2025 10:01

This ‘family time’ rhetoric is toxic imo. My ex did it to our son when DS just desperately wanted quality time with his father. I would very seriously nip this in the bud. He should be able to have some magical moments with his child without you being there, tired or not. Some time together for sure but lots and lots of 1-2-1 time with daddy too.

Purplecatshopaholic · 14/09/2025 10:01

DaisyChain505 · 14/09/2025 09:43

His child is there for him to spend time with and for him to parent.

People with joint children don’t both get up at the same time when children wake. They take it in turns and let each other get lie ins and rest.

But this is not your child and not your responsibility. You do not need to be getting up or sharing morning duties with him.

If his daughter lives there full time I could understand you helping out sometimes however she doesn’t.

Have a direct and clear conversation with him and say that you have noticed he’s resentful of the fact you get to lie in when his daughter is there and why does he feel it’s ok to aim negative feelings at you just because he’s having to parent his own child.

You need to be having these sort of conversations because you even think about having a child with this man because his behaviour now is a window into the future of how he’ll behave once you have a child together.

If he sees parenting his own child now as a chore, he will with your joint child.

This. Set boundaries now op, or it will only get worse if you have a child together. This child, lovely though she may be, is not yours to parent or get up for. He only sees her part of the week FFS.

Theworldonview · 14/09/2025 10:01

Sounds like a great guy!

DaisyChain505 · 14/09/2025 10:01

Frozened · 14/09/2025 09:22

I suppose I feel a little guilty, as if DSD was my child, I would absolutely get up with her.

I love DSD, and we’ve got a lovely relationship. But I’m not her mum, she has a mummy who she loves a lot!

I think DHs expectation is that we are a family and we should do everything together. He says DSD wants me to be with her when she wakes up.

This isn’t the normal reality of a family.

Do you think couples who share biological children together spend every waking second together?

No they don’t it’s just not realistic. Normal couples with joint children take it in turns to get up with the kids and let the other lie in.

They do activities as a family as a whole and also have times where mum takes them solo and dad does too.

Your partner is using his child as emotional blackmail because he doesn’t want to be responsible for parenting her solo. End of.

I would be having some clear and direct conversations about his behaviour because if this is how he acts now it will only get worse when you have a joint child.

yogpot · 14/09/2025 10:02

I don’t get up with my own child all the time, we take turns on the weekend so one of us can lie in. On the weekend days my SC has their sport, my husband doesn’t get a lie in at all as football/rugby starts early and I’m up with our toddler. I take my lie in as usual the next day. My husband has not once tried to take that lie in because as much as I love SC, I’m not the parent! He WANTS to go and do something with his son, enjoys watching him play his matches and enjoys his little morning with our toddler.

This guy will have you doing everything when you have a baby together.

Merryoldgoat · 14/09/2025 10:04

BusWankers · 14/09/2025 09:52

That's fine.

But the issue here is that the DH essentially wants to opt out of doing the morning shift and dump it on OP.

It would be quite simple to tag team and. have do.DH has Saturday lie in, OP has a Sunday lie in... But DH would renege on Sundays and would find many reasons to interrupt her Sunday lie in... Opening doors, "I'm tired", "DSD wants to see you", "what should I make for breakfast...", "the kids are asking if you're okay...", where are the towels...?", "have we got any tissues, I think I might be coming down something "

Show quote history

Now there are a lot of assumptions in your thread.

If the little girl is there every weekend and he does all mornings I don’t think it’s surprising he’d like a lie in or a hand.

You have no idea if he’d expect OP to do every weekend. Maybe he would just like a lie in.

This is a little girl who has been in OP’s life for 3 years. I don’t understand the point in having a long-term relationship with someone with children if you’re not going to muck in.

I know two step parents who ‘kept their distance’. After some years of separate relationships and responsibilities (as advocated on this thread) the children’s mothers died, children went to live with the respective families and it was a shit show because there was no foundation to the relationship.

Clarabell77 · 14/09/2025 10:04

Frozened · 14/09/2025 09:22

I suppose I feel a little guilty, as if DSD was my child, I would absolutely get up with her.

I love DSD, and we’ve got a lovely relationship. But I’m not her mum, she has a mummy who she loves a lot!

I think DHs expectation is that we are a family and we should do everything together. He says DSD wants me to be with her when she wakes up.

He probably wants you to be with her to let him do more of his own thing. That’s how most men operate.

Xccccc · 14/09/2025 10:05

Please listen to these replies and think very carefully before you have a family with this man.

ForJoyousPinkPoster · 14/09/2025 10:07

I think it really depends on how you see your DSD and your family unit. How’s your relationship with her? When you have children together will you all be getting up together as a family?

If DSD is with you every weekend, and in the week I’m sure you’re very close and she sees you as a parental figure in her life. When you do have children with your husband, if you were going to get up, I’d probably make an effort with DSD.

I also love my sleep, so completely sympathise with wanting to lie in btw!

Bestfootforward11 · 14/09/2025 10:09

No you don’t need to get up. He’s been lazy, she is his child! And considering he only has her a limited time in the week I would’ve thought he’d want to make the most of it. While she may like you, I’m sure she wants to be with him whatever he might tell you to lay on the guilt. And even if she was the child of both of you, you don’t both have to get up early. You have a tough job and he needs to grow up a bit.

Goldbar · 14/09/2025 10:10

Frozened · 14/09/2025 09:22

I suppose I feel a little guilty, as if DSD was my child, I would absolutely get up with her.

I love DSD, and we’ve got a lovely relationship. But I’m not her mum, she has a mummy who she loves a lot!

I think DHs expectation is that we are a family and we should do everything together. He says DSD wants me to be with her when she wakes up.

I would tell him that you absolutely do not want to be with DSD at 6am. That you'd prefer to be asleep in bed like any normal person, but love being with her from 9am onwards.

Tbh, I don't see why anyone is getting up with a 6yo. Put some food out for her, show her how to pour herself some milk and work the TV remote to get cartoons on and leave her to it. Maybe a nice blanket for the sofa and a few special toys for early mornings at Dad's. And then her dad can doze and keep an ear out.

Pickingmyselfup · 14/09/2025 10:10

At 6 nobody needs to be getting up immediately unless they can't be trusted not to unlock the doors/turn on the hob etc.

We used to take it in turns when the kids were smaller and from about 5 we would stay in bed from the time they woke up (6-7am) and then get up at a more reasonable time (8-9am) I always had one ear open because once they were awake so was I. It's only recently now they are 8 and 10 that I've been able to snooze although they are now getting up later anyway.

Unless there are plans for everybody to go out as a family there is no need for everybody in the house to be up at the same time.

Cherrytree86 · 14/09/2025 10:10

You should get up every morning she is with you Op, every single morning. You are a family now.

MooDengOfThailand · 14/09/2025 10:10

This is a sign.

To be honest I think I'd ditch him. Wouldn't fancy raising some other woman's child anyway.

OurChristmasMiracle · 14/09/2025 10:10

Has your DSD come in to you now the door is open? Nope. So she can’t want you that badly. What DH wants is for YOU to get up so he can say that he didn’t because you was already up and he was tired because he didn’t sleep well.

He’s already showing that his expectation will be that you will be the one up and that will only worsen if you have a child with him.

BlueandPinkSwan · 14/09/2025 10:11

If this is his attitude now why the heck are you planning to have a child with this man? I doubt he will be rushing to get up then.

GabriellaMontez · 14/09/2025 10:12

Also, there is no need for a 6 year old to get up at 6am.

She can look at her books, play quietly then get some breakfast at 7 (leave things out for her).

LegoHouse274 · 14/09/2025 10:12

Goodadvice1980 · 14/09/2025 09:15

OP given your post are you sure you want dc with this man?

This! Your DH sounds ridiculous. This isn't even your child and even if it was, why can't you have a lay in? This is just the start, if you go on to have children with him.

SwirlingAroundSleep · 14/09/2025 10:13

I think if you never got up until midday it would feel as if you were avoiding her, but nope I totally agree that it’s his daughter and he should get up. The fact you get up sometimes is good enough. If/when you have shared kids you would need to share it.

Cantspeakwontspeak · 14/09/2025 10:13

I don’t expect my husband to get up with my children - he is a great stepdad but my kids my lack of weekend lie in. He also likes his sleep and he works hard