Brother trashed the house while we were away TW: abuse

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Hi all, not even sure what I want posting this but my head is all over. Just got back this morning after being away with DP and the boys (DS3.5 and DS8mo). We only went an hour and a half away, Tuesday to today, just a little break. Came home and the house is absolutely trashed. My little brother who has just turned 18 is living here and honestly I feel like we’re at breaking point.

Bit of backstory. I’m 17 years older than him, I was basically grown when he was little. Our mum had what we now know was Munchausen by proxy with him, but back then everyone thought she was just struggling with a “poorly” child. She convinced doctors he had all sorts, dragged him in and out of hospitals, had schools thinking he was fragile. The only thing real is he’s type 1 diabetic. But even that she sort of used to make herself look like this amazing mum who was coping. He actually missed huge chunks of school from reception onwards, then she de-registered him completely at about 9 “for home ed” but she never taught him a thing. He can barely read now, writing is basically just a few words. All those years she was claiming DLA then later PIP for him.

When he was 17 she kicked him out after a massive row and I had to phone SS because he was still a child legally. They were useless tbh. Came out, spoke to him, said he was nearly 18 so not much they could do. I’ve reported concerns so many times over the years but each time my mum would cut me off and then later pretend nothing had happened. It’s always been me trying to pick up the pieces.

He’s 18 now but he’s like a lost little boy and also an absolute nightmare. He won’t go to therapy, refuses point blank, says everyone is against him. He doesn’t manage his diabetes properly at all, sometimes doesn’t take his insulin, sometimes injects too much, sometimes I have to beg him to let me do it. He drinks loads of monster and eats crap and then crashes. He’s constantly in and out of A&E, I’m waiting for the day I get the call that something awfuls happened.

His behaviour here is just off the scale. He smokes weed in his room, leaves food and dirty dishes everywhere, steals DP’s vape stuff and alcohol. He lies constantly, gets aggressive if you call him out, I’ve found used condoms in the bathroom bin, burnt spoons in his room, god knows what he’s been doing. He goes through my stuff too, I found my bank card hidden in his drawer once, he said he “borrowed” it but there was a £60 Deliveroo order on it.

He’s got no social skills at all, he doesn’t know how to be around people. It’s like he’s been trapped in a bubble his whole life. We just got home today and it’s disgusting. Plates of mouldy food in the living room, carpet ruined, my little one’s toys smashed, DS3.5’s little chair snapped in half. There’s fag burns on the sofa and he’s written on the wall in sharpie. Our bedroom has been gone through, I know because DP had hid some money in the wardrobe and it’s gone. There was actual sick in the sink too, just left there. And he’s also left his bloody needles lying about, which is terrifying with the babies here.

DP is at the end of his tether, says we can’t live like this and he needs to go. But where? He can’t look after himself. He’s still like a child in his head. He doesn’t cook anything other than chips or noodles in the microwave, doesn’t shower unless told, doesn’t wash clothes. He doesn’t understand basic life stuff because mum literally kept him so dependent.

Part of me feels desperately sorry for him, he had no chance with mum, she ruined his education and made him sick in the head about being ill all the time. His dad has never been in his life, mum abused him, so I’m all he really has. I don’t want to just abandon him. He can actually be really good with DS3.5, they’ll sit and play cars together for ages and DS adores him, but then the next minute he’s raging about something stupid and slamming doors and breaking things.

I feel guilty leaving him but I also feel like he’s dangerous to have around my kids. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t be his carer, I’ve got two little boys and a DP who’s at breaking point. But if I kick him out where will he go? He has no job, no friends that aren’t into drugs, he doesn’t even know how to fill a form in. I honestly think he can’t even apply for universal credit without someone sitting with him.

Sorry this is so long and rambly.

OP you’ve been so kind and helpful, you can continue to be supportive to your brother who has had such a traumatic and terrible time in life so far. But he cannot be under your roof. I am the safeguarding lead in a primary school and if I heard that your children were living in this environment I would be referring to social services straight away. Put your babies first. Get your brother to the council for alternative housing. Sending lots of love.

This is a safeguarding concern for your own children. They should not be around this chaotic person regardless of your feelings of responsibility towards your brother.

If you need help, report this to your local mash team/safeguarding adults team as a safeguarding concern for your own children, and for him as a vulnerable adult.

I’m very sorry OP - he was failed by your mum and social services.

I feel so sorry for you both but you need to realise now that you can’t fix this; you can’t fix him. It’s outside your skill set. It’s also outside of his skill set. You need to prioritise your family before his issues cause irreparable damage to your family unit.

Sometimes we need to make selfish decisions in life because the unselfish decision is actually selfish in a different way (impacting and harming your family so you don’t feel guilty about your brother).

I hope someone will come along and advise what can be done for your brother to help him get back on his feet. But you need to let him find his own way and find professional support.

I apologise if I’m repeating something, but it seems to me that a lot of opportunities were missed by the authorities to intervene when he was a child. Munchhausen’s is not new. I would want to see if the local authorities could do something for him as a vulnerable adult. He may need some sort of assisted living situation, and definitely some serious therapy. could you also speak to his GP with him?

However, long term your priority is your own family, as difficult as this all is. I’m sorry your mum has let you both down so much.

I found this charity very helpful when I was supporting someone who was homeless. It is a small local charity but it would be worth looking for something similar in your area. Or even giving them a call to see if they can offer you any advice
https://www.matthew25mission.org/

Please contact adult social
services this would be deemed as a safeguarding issue where I work. Go on the local authority web site and search adult safeguarding. I would expect and push for a section 42, and a MDT meeting. There needs to be mental health, housing, diabetes team etc all round the table with a clear plan on how they will help him and you.

The reason it is a safeguarding (do not let them fob you off and if they reject you keep referring and ask your/his GP to so the same) is that he is:

• not safeguarding his health - with uncontrolled diabetes
• he is using a and e (I am surprised they haven’t referred him) when really ill
• he could die if this isn’t sorted!
• his long term well being is being compromised
• then add on the drugs, his Mums health, his mental health etc

Adult safeguarding will though want to understand how you are safeguarding your kids. You also need urgent counselling or support- he will need to leave (your OH is right) however there is the reality that this could go wrong, so you need to be having the help needed to understand how none of his behaviour is your fault.

This is so difficult I am sorry this is happening but please get an urgent safeguarding referral in.

I have worked in drug services. If there were any children going into a home with heroin being used, and yes that’s why there are burnt spoons, we would notify social services. It’s a child protection issue . For many reasons , least of all is the children getting hold of the drugs or needle stick injuries with whatever that could transmit .

if you don’t chuck him out your children are at risk from his behaviour and if reported .

If he ends up on the streets , drug services work with rough sleeping charities and are well used to this . Don’t pretend he doesn’t have issues with drugs , the services are there .charities . Depends where you live which one works with this group .

Looking at it I might be inclined to have a 'full and frank' conversation with Social Services, probably starting with an official complaint

1. You referred him to them but they did nothing and
2. You referred him as a 17 year old but they said he would soon be 18 so did nothing - which sounds a lot like the response to victims of the 'Grooming Gangs'

Having been there with a step son, you have a long road ahead. Your DB cannot live with you as you must safeguard your own DC’s.

I understand your reluctance to take him to the council and leave him there. He is vulnerable through no fault of his and is unable to cope on his own. Leaving him homeless without support, sadly means he is unable to effect change. He may also end up, unsupported and living with those who will just lead him astray.

Did he have a social worker as a child? I'm struggling to see how he has spent years as a vulnerable child without any support.

Your best bet are charities. Research these and make contact. DSS was given a residential place by a Christian charity, who provided help with living skills, education etc. and later he had support through the YMCA.

He needs to commit to these places though. They can't make him stay. He has to want to improve his life. The charities can't afford to waste places, time, money and staff on people who don't want to try.

PP are obviously right about the safeguarding priority for your children, but I'm astonished by all the people making it out to be just about his willingness to stand on his own two feet and your need to show make him confront being independent. He clearly CAN'T.

And it sounds like he's never really going to be able to. The personal, social and educational harm done to him by your mother is too extensive. So saying how it's "not your responsibility" is completely unhelpful. What do people do when their family members are vulnerable and likely to die without them? They look after them. I'm not saying this to mean you should, but rather than your instinct to do so is completely normal and natural. In lieu of any kind of sufficient state or other support, I wouldn't just leave my brother to die either.

Are there any other family members around that can share the load?

Short of that, and obviously subject to finances, arrangements with your DP etc, the only thing I could suggest is that you work towards some of kind of living arrangement where he has a bedsit attached your house that is semi-independent - where you can be on hand to help and monitor him, but the implications for your children and partner can also be contained.

This is a lot to deal with.

With your brother a universal credit claim can have someone else as appointee so that they handle everything. It has to be signed off as needed - either by a professional or maybe your brother. I would agree with you he sounds unable to handle things by himself. I would contact his GP and alert them to what is going on but be aware that may well trigger an SS referral in time for your kids as well. I am not sure what issues your DB has - it could well involve autism and this can run in families. It almost certainly involves mental health which certain conditions can run in families - autism has a very high rate of mental health issues including psychosis. The drug use will worsen this. I would also suspect stronger drug use and condoms maybe strangers are coming to your house with drugs / for sex. I think your Mum claiming DLA / PIP for him was reasonable, it sounds like he did have disabilities and should continue to claim this.

I would be very careful with your children as there is a real risk children's social services could remove them from you if you leave this situation as it is so you need to be doing something to change it and separate your brother and his needles / condoms / possible drug use from them. I can see you are well intended but children's social care only consider the children and as it is there are potential dangers.

I would think he either needs to be in supported living or sectioned as a risk to himself or others. The GP may be able to advise on that though you will need to stress the risks so be careful with your own kids, you need to show how you have protected them and will protect them. I strongly suspect he will refuse all therapy - this is common with autism and some mental illnesses.

That’s a very harsh and also wrong. Regardless of the decision OP makes, she will not have signed any “death warrant” or caused any deaths.

I’m not sure how such fearmongering is helpful when OP is clearly already feeling guilty. I think you should ask mumsnet to remove your post.

I think I would go to GP OP. With your brothers history, is there any chance he might have an learning disability diagnosis with GP or suspected. That would mean that he could access extra support ?

OP, no one forced him to thrash your home.
No awful childhood or awful mother.

You are behaving with more care towards him than your partner and children.

If your partner looks to take your children out of this situation he would be doing the right thing.

You chose to have children.
They deserve better than this.

Your loyalty is misplaced.
He needs to be put out of the house.
Harsh but there is no way he should be rewarded for thrashing your house by remaining.

Your poor chilsnd partner.
What a mess, literally.

This is so desperately sad, I'm so sorry you are going through this, you sound like a lovely person. I think you know he can't live around your children any longer but you are stuck with how to keep him safe as he is so vulnerable. I wonder if he does have an underlying learning disability or neurodiversity- this would have made him more of a target for abuse growing up unfortunately. I would call the local emergency social services number this weekend and ask for advice and support. There are small children in the house so this is both an adult and a child safeguarding issue. Tomorrow I would be on the phone to his GP first thing/ emailing them or filling in an online form. You need to tell them everything that is going on and ask them to raise an adult safeguarding referral (vulnerable adult) from their end if this hasn't already been done. I would also ask them to refer him for a learning disabilities assessment and an ASD (+ADHD) assessment (the latter through right to choose). If he is diagnosed he may have access to other benefits/specialist supported living arrangements.

I really feel for you. I also have a vulnerable brother though nothing like your situation. I hope you have RL support. Therapy helped me a lot especially with feelings of misplaced guilt and responsibility.

Oh OP, what a dilemma.you are a brilliant sister but you have to be a brilliant mother now.

It is appallingly ironic that SS won't/can't help him but will be the first to point the finger at you for allowing him to live with your children.

You have to tell Social services what is going on. If they still can't or won't rehouse him, approach child safeguarding yourself.

OP, advice on here is always very hard line.

I wouldn't throw my brother out in the circumstances you describe. And I would always prioritise my brother over any partner I nadto be brutally honest.

Obviously you do need to put your kids first, but it doesn't seem from what you said that your brother endangers your kids, apart from leaving his insulin needles around, which you can surely address. It sounds like your kids are close to your brother in fact, and that in some ways that relationship is a positive one.

Your brother does need help of course. You need to be able to trust him to stay in your house alone. Therapy and adult education. Help with his addictions.

But you aren't obliged to abandon your family member, whom you presumably love.

Are you nuts? She will literally lose her children if nothing changes. If her partner doesn’t remove the children from this situation, social services will.

You seem to be underestimating his presence on your kids. Hes trashing property which isn’t his, stealing and taking drugs (herion is very likely with burnt spoons) all alongside where your young children are. Of course you can’t live like this is he even sorry for what he’s done? Ok he’s vulnerable but there’s a line. It’s time to get help for him and yes in no way should he be under your roof now.

OP look for local charities who assist young people with homelessness and also maybe a carer support organisation for yourself as you are essentially his carer whether he is living with you or not. They can help liaise with the local authority housing etc. I feel for you op this is a really difficult situation.

Your partner is right. You can not live like that. The last thing you need is for the next generation to be affected by your brother.
He is not fit to live near children.
Move him out with the help of any organisations or charities that can assist.

Are there any charities that take in lost boys for a couple of years? Some Buddhist connections do in our country.
Can he join groups of workers who live on site picking grapes?
Or packing produce in sheds near fields?

Regardless, you are not his keeper.
Your brother IMO is not long for this World. He is treating himself badly.
Possibly going to gaol or a half way house might give him structure and discilpline and offer a chance to learn useful trade skills??
Your kindness is enabling him to resist change.

I understand he’s had a very bad childhood, but the complete disrespect to you, your family and home is just awful. He’s not even grateful for the kindness you have shown him. He has to go tomorrow.

OP you can't let him stay in your home. Your DD are witnessing him being abusive and using, etc it's not safe for them and they come first.

I suggest you call adult social services urgently. Explain his background, his lack of skills and his medical use and state he cannot stay with you anymore. He needs urgent housing and help. If you call instead of email, then immediately follow up that call with an email. Make it an urgent case with a paper trail.

Yes he needs support but it's not safe for you to keep giving him it.

If this was your partner like this in your home social services would say that by not breaking up with him and kicking him out that you aren't safeguarding your dcs, and it's just the same for having him in your home as your brother. I'm not surprised your dp is at the end of his tether I wouldn't want this around my kids either. And that's without the issues of wrecking the house and stealing.