My adult DC have all just had a massive fallen out

[Ghringle]

I have 4 DC, they are all adults now DS1 is 24, DD1 is 22, DD2 is 21 and DS2 is 19. Right now and for exactly one more week they are all living at home.

Some background here
DS1 and his girlfriend of 2 years split up 3 weeks ago as she is moving back to her home country for a bit then going travelling for a year and they don’t want to do long distance, DS if finding this incredibly hard. DD1 and DD2 have never gotten along, very different personalities and have always clashed and DS2 tends to keep quiet.

This week DD1 went on holiday with some of her friends to Poland, she got back this afternoon. This evening DD2 decided to tell DS1 that her sister had been with his ex in Poland. DD1 has said this is true but was mostly a coincidence, they both happened to be in Warsaw for the opening night of a concert for an artist that his ex introduced her to. She said they did meet up and hang out but she didn’t realise it was a big deal. This turned into a bit of a tit for tat, I left them to it as they are adults and can handle their own disagreements. Quickly though this turned into DD2 turning to defend DS and saying that his ex uses coke and weed all the time and was probably doing that in Poland. Anyway it escalated and now none of them are talking, they’ve all been really cruel to each other
DS1 told DD1 that she’s single because she’s full of herself and “really ugly”
DD1 told DS1 that his ex doesn’t even care they’ve broken up and was sleeping with other people in Poland. Then went on a whole rant about how he was punching anyway
DD2 basically ran to me and told me all 3 of the others use coke on nights out (I still don’t know at what point she decided to turn on them all), which resulted in DD1 telling me that DD2 had an abortion 2 years ago. I was really firm here and said I didn’t want them to run and tattle to me, that they are adults and don’t need to be telling me things about the others like children.
DS2 then got involved and basically aired everyone’s secrets, how DS1 had cheated on his ex and that DD1 had been telling people he had hit his ex (DD1 and DS deny this being a thing), DD1 uses coke all the time and posts it on private stories on her socials and it’s always with DS1s ex and that DD2 “sleeps around” constantly.

If I’m totally honest I don’t know what to do with all of this. I could have guessed that DD1 used coke on nights out and I have spoken to her about this before. I had no idea about DD2s abortion and whilst I’m of course not angry or worried about this in the same way as the others I do feel sad she didn’t come to me at the time. I had no idea that DS1, DS2 or his ex frequently used drugs on nights out.

I feel totally overwhelmed, confused and concerned on so many levels. I feel like I have a newfound worry for each of them and only one week until all but DD1 go back to uni or in DS1s case start his masters.

AIBU to feel totally overwhelmed and unsure what to do with the info.

Part of me is thinking they are adults, there is nothing I can do. Another part of me is terrified about them using drugs and wants to do anything to stop it. Part of me also wants to talk to DS1 about the accusation of hitting his ex and cheating on her and talk to DD2 about the abortion and why she didn’t feel able to come to me.

What on earth do I do?

Stay strong stay neutral have your boundaries. Don’t react to any of the tell saying. Let them come to you when they are calm and ready individually. Don’t take sides. All easier said than done. Just be there to love them equally.

Family meeting. The tittle tattle stops now. They’re informing you to grass up each other like children, not with any wellbeing in mind. It’s vindictive and not helpful.

You’re all navigating a new dynamic as a parent to (new, just about) adults. This means respecting boundaries and privacy, but being around for support. Ideally they’d reciprocate that with each other too.

When the dust settles, ask individually if they’d like to revisit any of the remarks made. You’re handling this very well - life is happening to them and they’re forging a path with a super parent who offers support not judgement.

They are acting like teenagers tbh. If they weren't living at home together this probably wouldn't be happening, so I would tell them to grow up or move out.

It does sound like they’ve all reverted to being children, being back at home together, and I can only imagine how much your head must be reeling after having this dumped on you. If you are together or have a family WhatsApp then tell them that this bickering ends now, that you’re disappointed with some of the things you have heard and they all need to do better. Tell them you would welcome speaking to them individually if they want, that your door is always open. You don’t need them to be best friends but they need to learn to be civil and respectful in your home. Best of luck OP. X

I would be furious with all of them. Bloody brats. Can you tell them all to get out right now or can you go away for a week or so and leave them to it. I’m totally furious on your behalf. to stop you worrying, I doubt any of them have a serious drug problem or they would not be throwing it around to annoy each other, but the lack of respect for each other and you is bloody difficult and I’m sending a hand hold

I’ll be honest, I truly despise people who take illegal drugs. I’d be fuming and having a good talk about that. Do they know they are indirectly assisting gang violence, murder, money laundering, child lines, through those use of coke?

DD2 is a little shitstirrer isn’t she? They all sound very immature.

Right now and for exactly one more week they are all living at home.

Can you go away for next week and come back when they've gone?

Not sure why you’ve shared so much detail about their lives, they will be identifiable to people who know them. They’re adults, there’s not much you can do,

Agree with PP above. They all sound immature and childish but your second daughter is quite the little stirrer, isn’t she?

Is she jealous of her elder sister? And/or just one of those people who is never happy unless everyone else is at each others’ throats?

They have regressed to child dynamics, it’s really common.

I wouldn’t get involved. I would send each a text about the secret abortion etc or whatever they are upset about, and offer to be there for them if they feel like talking about it.

They are growing up and finding their feet. I wouldn’t be commenting on any of it directly, and stay completely neutral and non judgemental. It’s far more powerful snd helpful with young adults. They need to know they can come to you with anything.

In the mean time I might become more busy outside of the house! Or organise things with them individually. I wouldn’t be forcing family time or meals just now - just let them decompress. They will be fine in a day or two.

They wanted you to know their secrets and struggles, so acknowledge them, say you trust them not to ruin their health and lives with drugs, they are allowed to have secrets. It’s tough at this age, they are adults but not really fully adult yet 💐

Stay out of it.

At some point when everything has calmed down and life is ticking over as normal address whatever you need to, in a casual way, one to one.

Let them know, on an individual basis, that they are an adult so need to manage their own sibling relationships. That you are not going to get involved.

Mention (assuming these are your views) that you support a woman's right to choose and would support your daughter if she decided to have an abortion. That you understand experimenting with drugs, but worry about gradually becoming addicted plus the violence and exploitation involved.

Then leave the subject(s) unless they choose to raise them.

And take deep breaths to help you avoid banging their heads together!

it sounds exhausting!
so they're all living in your house till next week? and then they all leave? or is dd1 expecting to stay, because she's not studying? is it me for her to be more independent/ adult, and eg find work elsewhere for a while?

i think i'd be tempted to tell the lot of them that you need to reclaim your space, and don't want them/ their drama back in the house till the end of term, and warn them that there will be new groundrules in place then...

Tell them firmly that you are not listening to any of them telling you about anyone else's private business. And don't listen; walk out of the room or if necessary the house. You shouldn't have had to hear most of this.

If any of them want to come to you and tell you something about themselves, or something that IS their business, then you'll listen. That could be the case if some of them are really doing drugs (impacts everyone in the house) but if that's the case you need specifics, not empty accusations.

Could the bit about DD2 claiming that DD1 had said that DS1 hit his ex (I feel myself regressing to 13 just typing that) be a misunderstanding? You mentioned that DD1 ranted at DS1 that he was "punching" (up) in the context of his relationship with his ex; DD2 might have misinterpreted that to mean physically hitting? If DS1 and DD1 have both denied it, there's probably no basis.

The rest of it is stupid; whether someone's ugly or not good enough for their partner is subjective, adults can have consensual sex (and abortions) even if their sibling doesn't approve. It all seems to have kicked off for a weird reason - DS1 AGREED to end things with his now ex because she was leaving the country, but DD1 apparently stayed friendly with her?

DS2 sounds like a misogynist, which would worry me, but you probably knew that.

I'd be dragging them all into room and read the riot act. They are adults and responsible for their relationships with each other. You do not care if what they have tattled to you is true or not, you DO NOT want to hear it. If the accusations of drug use are true, then you're extremely disappointed in them all. Finally, you are their mother, you love them all and are always there to support them BUT you will not put up with this teenage bullshit under your roof and they all better pull their heads in for the next week. Then exit with aplomb and leave them to consider their behaviour.

Keep out of it. Stay silent until the dust settles. You can speak about any or all of these issues in a few weeks, they’ll keep. Can you go and stay with a friend for a night or two?

I would call them together and tell them how disappointed in them you are. That their attempts to hurt each other by “telling” is beneath them and you are hurt at their lack of respect for each other and for you. That the nastiness stops now and you expect them all to grow up and start treating everyone in the family with more respect, more tolerance and more care.

I wouldn’t tackle any of the new issues you’ve learned about right now unless they come to you and ask for input. It’s not the right time to address them. Do that later when it won’t be connected to this fracas.

There is a bigger question of why things have blown up so badly. I can see why DD1’s friendship with the ex might be hurtful to DS1. Though it’s not “reasonable”, lost love can be devastating and make us want or expect unreasonable things. But why were your kids so quick to prod at that wound and turn on each other? Has this been a long time coming? Do you think it will blow over quickly or is it pretty unprecedented? Do you have some family norms, shared activities, or something that you can use to try and rebuild bridges?

You say they are adults but they are not acting like it.

I don't think you do need to talk to any of them about drugs / abortion / cheating.

I would be tempted to put a big list of house rules. And tell them if they don't obey them they can go of to uni a week early.

Well, they are all very young

Would it help to have coffee with each child individually? With a ban on bad-mouthing their siblings. Just to let them know you are there for them, and ask if they are ok.

With dd2 I would have a chat definitely. To check if she wanted to discuss the termination at all (no pressure).

They all need a talk about boundaries and confidentiality regarding others’ personal info. Just because they are siblings they don’t get to break confidences about a termination. Awful. Esp whilst fighting.

What an argument to be around. I feel for you OP.

I’m really torn between the idea of getting them all together for a bollocking and ignoring it until everything settles.

whilst the bollocking is tempting it could well turn into another massive row.

Re the abortion, I can see you’d be hurt she didn’t talk to you but lots of young people wouldn’t tell their parents so as long as she had support from someone, that’s ok.

Obviously you’re concerned about them doing class As but they’re still young, at uni and experimenting. I’d be less worried about this than others on here as long as it doesn’t seem like it’s getting out of hand.

I realise this is not a funny situation for you at all but there is a comical element of them all running in and out snitching on each other. Does anyone remember that scene in Friends with Rachel’s trifle and similar happened?

I LOVE JACQUES COUSTEAU!!

1. change the WiFi password.
2. if you are giving any of them money, stop.
3. Ignoring the bickering and spite, each of your DC have some serious issues going on. Your DSs have said things that sound distinctly “red pill” - are they usually like that? Your DD1 sounds like her drug use is fairly significant. Your DD2 sounds very keen to cause trouble. Have they always been like this?