Page 6 | My adult DC have all just had a massive fallen out

Grumpyrager · 14/09/2025 19:39

Sounds like DD2 stirred shit and got splattered with it.

I wouldn’t get involved with any of the individual squabbles, but I would send them the article a pp linked:

https://www.theguardian.com/global-development/ng-interactive/2024/jun/11/north-african-children-beaten-tortured-europe-cocaine-gangs

they need to understand that taking coke is essentially a crime against humanity. It’s better to approach it that way, as they clearly don’t see the health risks.

brunettemic · 14/09/2025 19:41

Well they’re adults in age but clearly not anything else.

TheStroppyFeminist · 14/09/2025 19:44

DancingNotDrowning · 14/09/2025 18:41

Every single parent of adult children who have them return home for periods of time can relate to this childish bickering in some form or another.

when children have played out their entire life in a family role (eldest/youngest; funny one/helpful one) then gone away and found perhaps a different role in a different setting it can be really hard when they all come back together. Clashes are inevitable.

the previously existing hierarchy’s have disintegrated and are replaced by uncertainty as to how to act with each other,

it’s annoying and unpleasant at times but it’s part of their navigating the transition to being fully fledged adults.

just calmly repeat you are adults, you need to resolve this amongst yourselves and leave it at that.

if they are making life difficult for you/upsetting you, take yourself away for a couple of days

I agree with this. They all reverted to being little kids. They will all be upset.

apricotcobbler · 14/09/2025 19:46

Grumpyrager · 14/09/2025 19:39

Sounds like DD2 stirred shit and got splattered with it.

I wouldn’t get involved with any of the individual squabbles, but I would send them the article a pp linked:

https://www.theguardian.com/global-development/ng-interactive/2024/jun/11/north-african-children-beaten-tortured-europe-cocaine-gangs

they need to understand that taking coke is essentially a crime against humanity. It’s better to approach it that way, as they clearly don’t see the health risks.

I agree with this but if they have enough money to buy coke then you are giving them too large an allowance.

Let them pay for their own WiFi, mobile contracts and "entertainment" money, for a start.....

Autumnbehavingyou · 14/09/2025 19:47

Just stay neutral. Let them sort it. It will run its course

cc99xo · 14/09/2025 20:19

They are all being absolutely ridiculous, running to tell mommy to get one up on eachother 🙄 I know it must be difficult worrying about your DD with the drugs and if you feel as though it’s something you can communicate with her about then definitely do that, but it’s probably been blown out of proportion. DD1 didn’t do anything wrong by seeing the ex whilst she was in Poland - they’d likely built up some form of friendship over the years and if she wanted to spend time with her then that’s her choice. DD2 seems as though she wanted to stir things and DS1 had no reason to be annoyed about it.

GreenCandleWax · 14/09/2025 20:20

Do they have a father? It sounds as though you are dealing with all this on your own and could do with a bit of input.

Original poster

Ghringle · 14/09/2025 20:33

apricotcobbler · 14/09/2025 19:24

"Very young", my fat aunt !!

At 21 I was qualified in a medical speciality, had spent 3 years living away from home when at Uni and was running my own business. I had my own flat share with another professional and went home about every 3 months.

It sounds to me like they've been "babied" for far too long. 🙄

Show quote history

None of them have consistently lived at home, they certainly haven’t been babied. They have all gone to university in different cities and only DD1 currently lives her full time.
DS1 only stayed here for a few weeks between moving out of one flat and into the next, and starting his masters.
DD2 and DS2 are at university so only home for summer but go back in less than a week now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ghringle · 14/09/2025 20:35

apricotcobbler · 14/09/2025 19:46

I agree with this but if they have enough money to buy coke then you are giving them too large an allowance.

Let them pay for their own WiFi, mobile contracts and "entertainment" money, for a start.....

Show quote history

It’s not an allowance.
There father died when they were young, he left money to them which they could get at 18, I’ve had no control over this (we were divorced before he passed away).
They also have all worked since 16 and alongside university.

All I pay for is half their Accomodation while in undergrad.

OP posts:

Ymiryboo · 14/09/2025 20:48

tell them none of their tales are that interesting. That if any of them want help with their cocktail use there are services out there and that coke it’s ethically the dirtiest drug and makes you really insufferable and for the DS’s cause ED.

They may make up they may not, being siblings doesn’t mean they are destined to get on.

EdithBond · 14/09/2025 20:56

I wouldn’t do anything right now.

When things are calmer, I’d explain to each of them individually that breaching confidentiality (aka snitching) is an unacceptable breach of trust. Especially about something as personal as abortion. Siblings should be able to trust each other.

I’d also talk to DD2 and ask how she feels about the abortion, rather than ignore it, now that you know. Let her know you love her, you’re always there for her and would never judge her or do anything other than support her. Don’t tell her you’re sad she never told you. It’s her business. There should be no expectation she tell you.

I’d also ask DS1 if it’s true he hit his ex. With a view to reminding him about violence to women, as well as the sexism behind calling his sister ugly.

As for the drugs, it’s pretty common for young people to use recreational drugs. So, I wouldn’t be terrified. Being aware is the key. Of the risks and the ethics, due to the people who are killed and exploited along the supply chain.

Oldwmn · 14/09/2025 21:39

Ghringle · 13/09/2025 02:24

I have 4 DC, they are all adults now DS1 is 24, DD1 is 22, DD2 is 21 and DS2 is 19. Right now and for exactly one more week they are all living at home.

Some background here
DS1 and his girlfriend of 2 years split up 3 weeks ago as she is moving back to her home country for a bit then going travelling for a year and they don’t want to do long distance, DS if finding this incredibly hard. DD1 and DD2 have never gotten along, very different personalities and have always clashed and DS2 tends to keep quiet.

This week DD1 went on holiday with some of her friends to Poland, she got back this afternoon. This evening DD2 decided to tell DS1 that her sister had been with his ex in Poland. DD1 has said this is true but was mostly a coincidence, they both happened to be in Warsaw for the opening night of a concert for an artist that his ex introduced her to. She said they did meet up and hang out but she didn’t realise it was a big deal. This turned into a bit of a tit for tat, I left them to it as they are adults and can handle their own disagreements. Quickly though this turned into DD2 turning to defend DS and saying that his ex uses coke and weed all the time and was probably doing that in Poland. Anyway it escalated and now none of them are talking, they’ve all been really cruel to each other
DS1 told DD1 that she’s single because she’s full of herself and “really ugly”
DD1 told DS1 that his ex doesn’t even care they’ve broken up and was sleeping with other people in Poland. Then went on a whole rant about how he was punching anyway
DD2 basically ran to me and told me all 3 of the others use coke on nights out (I still don’t know at what point she decided to turn on them all), which resulted in DD1 telling me that DD2 had an abortion 2 years ago. I was really firm here and said I didn’t want them to run and tattle to me, that they are adults and don’t need to be telling me things about the others like children.
DS2 then got involved and basically aired everyone’s secrets, how DS1 had cheated on his ex and that DD1 had been telling people he had hit his ex (DD1 and DS deny this being a thing), DD1 uses coke all the time and posts it on private stories on her socials and it’s always with DS1s ex and that DD2 “sleeps around” constantly.

If I’m totally honest I don’t know what to do with all of this. I could have guessed that DD1 used coke on nights out and I have spoken to her about this before. I had no idea about DD2s abortion and whilst I’m of course not angry or worried about this in the same way as the others I do feel sad she didn’t come to me at the time. I had no idea that DS1, DS2 or his ex frequently used drugs on nights out.

I feel totally overwhelmed, confused and concerned on so many levels. I feel like I have a newfound worry for each of them and only one week until all but DD1 go back to uni or in DS1s case start his masters.

AIBU to feel totally overwhelmed and unsure what to do with the info.

Part of me is thinking they are adults, there is nothing I can do. Another part of me is terrified about them using drugs and wants to do anything to stop it. Part of me also wants to talk to DS1 about the accusation of hitting his ex and cheating on her and talk to DD2 about the abortion and why she didn’t feel able to come to me.

What on earth do I do?

Hmmmm - adults you say?

DoodlesMam · 14/09/2025 23:43

Ghringle · 13/09/2025 02:24

I have 4 DC, they are all adults now DS1 is 24, DD1 is 22, DD2 is 21 and DS2 is 19. Right now and for exactly one more week they are all living at home.

Some background here
DS1 and his girlfriend of 2 years split up 3 weeks ago as she is moving back to her home country for a bit then going travelling for a year and they don’t want to do long distance, DS if finding this incredibly hard. DD1 and DD2 have never gotten along, very different personalities and have always clashed and DS2 tends to keep quiet.

This week DD1 went on holiday with some of her friends to Poland, she got back this afternoon. This evening DD2 decided to tell DS1 that her sister had been with his ex in Poland. DD1 has said this is true but was mostly a coincidence, they both happened to be in Warsaw for the opening night of a concert for an artist that his ex introduced her to. She said they did meet up and hang out but she didn’t realise it was a big deal. This turned into a bit of a tit for tat, I left them to it as they are adults and can handle their own disagreements. Quickly though this turned into DD2 turning to defend DS and saying that his ex uses coke and weed all the time and was probably doing that in Poland. Anyway it escalated and now none of them are talking, they’ve all been really cruel to each other
DS1 told DD1 that she’s single because she’s full of herself and “really ugly”
DD1 told DS1 that his ex doesn’t even care they’ve broken up and was sleeping with other people in Poland. Then went on a whole rant about how he was punching anyway
DD2 basically ran to me and told me all 3 of the others use coke on nights out (I still don’t know at what point she decided to turn on them all), which resulted in DD1 telling me that DD2 had an abortion 2 years ago. I was really firm here and said I didn’t want them to run and tattle to me, that they are adults and don’t need to be telling me things about the others like children.
DS2 then got involved and basically aired everyone’s secrets, how DS1 had cheated on his ex and that DD1 had been telling people he had hit his ex (DD1 and DS deny this being a thing), DD1 uses coke all the time and posts it on private stories on her socials and it’s always with DS1s ex and that DD2 “sleeps around” constantly.

If I’m totally honest I don’t know what to do with all of this. I could have guessed that DD1 used coke on nights out and I have spoken to her about this before. I had no idea about DD2s abortion and whilst I’m of course not angry or worried about this in the same way as the others I do feel sad she didn’t come to me at the time. I had no idea that DS1, DS2 or his ex frequently used drugs on nights out.

I feel totally overwhelmed, confused and concerned on so many levels. I feel like I have a newfound worry for each of them and only one week until all but DD1 go back to uni or in DS1s case start his masters.

AIBU to feel totally overwhelmed and unsure what to do with the info.

Part of me is thinking they are adults, there is nothing I can do. Another part of me is terrified about them using drugs and wants to do anything to stop it. Part of me also wants to talk to DS1 about the accusation of hitting his ex and cheating on her and talk to DD2 about the abortion and why she didn’t feel able to come to me.

What on earth do I do?

Wise not to get involved with their arguments... it will blow over. I'd be telling them no drugs in my house though....

Generational difference? I grew up in the 80s and left home at 17 and a half to go to university - I never went back home. Is it now the fashion to stay home or are wages so low people can't afford to rent (London especially)? It might be because I was on my own or you are such a nice mum that they are on to a good thing?

SamkaSabrinka · 15/09/2025 05:58

Horsie · 14/09/2025 18:43

And their noses. Daniella Westbrook photos should do it.

Show quote history

Oh yes I forgot their noses, yes!

I wonder how many well-heeled yummy mummies on here have a perfectly acceptable cocaine habit though? (🙈)

worrying how ‘cool’ it is

Renamedyetagain · 15/09/2025 06:26

They all sound awful.

Immature, vindictive, spiteful, cruel, dishonest and lacking in any integrity or morals.

I would tell them how disgusting their behaviour is, list all their failings above, tell them they leave the house and you want nothing to do with any of them until they have grown the fuck up.

SushiForMe · 15/09/2025 08:21

I wonder why DD2 suddenly decided to cause trouble between DS1 and DD1. Does she like drama?

apricotcobbler · 15/09/2025 09:20

Ghringle · 14/09/2025 20:33

None of them have consistently lived at home, they certainly haven’t been babied. They have all gone to university in different cities and only DD1 currently lives her full time.
DS1 only stayed here for a few weeks between moving out of one flat and into the next, and starting his masters.
DD2 and DS2 are at university so only home for summer but go back in less than a week now.

Show quote history

If they can't get on at home for such a short time, maybe they should all move out permanently?

If they want to shove their inheritance up their nose, that's their choice but you should not allow it in your house.

T1Dmama · 15/09/2025 12:40

Ghringle · 13/09/2025 02:24

I have 4 DC, they are all adults now DS1 is 24, DD1 is 22, DD2 is 21 and DS2 is 19. Right now and for exactly one more week they are all living at home.

Some background here
DS1 and his girlfriend of 2 years split up 3 weeks ago as she is moving back to her home country for a bit then going travelling for a year and they don’t want to do long distance, DS if finding this incredibly hard. DD1 and DD2 have never gotten along, very different personalities and have always clashed and DS2 tends to keep quiet.

This week DD1 went on holiday with some of her friends to Poland, she got back this afternoon. This evening DD2 decided to tell DS1 that her sister had been with his ex in Poland. DD1 has said this is true but was mostly a coincidence, they both happened to be in Warsaw for the opening night of a concert for an artist that his ex introduced her to. She said they did meet up and hang out but she didn’t realise it was a big deal. This turned into a bit of a tit for tat, I left them to it as they are adults and can handle their own disagreements. Quickly though this turned into DD2 turning to defend DS and saying that his ex uses coke and weed all the time and was probably doing that in Poland. Anyway it escalated and now none of them are talking, they’ve all been really cruel to each other
DS1 told DD1 that she’s single because she’s full of herself and “really ugly”
DD1 told DS1 that his ex doesn’t even care they’ve broken up and was sleeping with other people in Poland. Then went on a whole rant about how he was punching anyway
DD2 basically ran to me and told me all 3 of the others use coke on nights out (I still don’t know at what point she decided to turn on them all), which resulted in DD1 telling me that DD2 had an abortion 2 years ago. I was really firm here and said I didn’t want them to run and tattle to me, that they are adults and don’t need to be telling me things about the others like children.
DS2 then got involved and basically aired everyone’s secrets, how DS1 had cheated on his ex and that DD1 had been telling people he had hit his ex (DD1 and DS deny this being a thing), DD1 uses coke all the time and posts it on private stories on her socials and it’s always with DS1s ex and that DD2 “sleeps around” constantly.

If I’m totally honest I don’t know what to do with all of this. I could have guessed that DD1 used coke on nights out and I have spoken to her about this before. I had no idea about DD2s abortion and whilst I’m of course not angry or worried about this in the same way as the others I do feel sad she didn’t come to me at the time. I had no idea that DS1, DS2 or his ex frequently used drugs on nights out.

I feel totally overwhelmed, confused and concerned on so many levels. I feel like I have a newfound worry for each of them and only one week until all but DD1 go back to uni or in DS1s case start his masters.

AIBU to feel totally overwhelmed and unsure what to do with the info.

Part of me is thinking they are adults, there is nothing I can do. Another part of me is terrified about them using drugs and wants to do anything to stop it. Part of me also wants to talk to DS1 about the accusation of hitting his ex and cheating on her and talk to DD2 about the abortion and why she didn’t feel able to come to me.

What on earth do I do?

I would sit and write each of them a letter with your individual concerns for that child. Say you aren’t going to bring it up in person but you’re concerned because of X,Y & Z… and say you would like a 1-1 conversation about it but will leave it up to them to organise as you don’t want them to feel confronted!!

my elder brother and sister were like this, loved getting each other into trouble. loved trying to dig up dirt on me and my little brother… it’s awful. They’ve all abused each others trust! They won’t confide in each other again!!

Hopingtobeaparent · 15/09/2025 12:49

Nestingbirds · 13/09/2025 04:39

They have regressed to child dynamics, it’s really common.

I wouldn’t get involved. I would send each a text about the secret abortion etc or whatever they are upset about, and offer to be there for them if they feel like talking about it.

They are growing up and finding their feet. I wouldn’t be commenting on any of it directly, and stay completely neutral and non judgemental. It’s far more powerful snd helpful with young adults. They need to know they can come to you with anything.

In the mean time I might become more busy outside of the house! Or organise things with them individually. I wouldn’t be forcing family time or meals just now - just let them decompress. They will be fine in a day or two.

They wanted you to know their secrets and struggles, so acknowledge them, say you trust them not to ruin their health and lives with drugs, they are allowed to have secrets. It’s tough at this age, they are adults but not really fully adult yet 💐

This.

DeeKitch · 17/09/2025 21:42

How are things today? X