My adult DC have all just had a massive fallen out

[Ghringle]

I have 4 DC, they are all adults now DS1 is 24, DD1 is 22, DD2 is 21 and DS2 is 19. Right now and for exactly one more week they are all living at home.

Some background here
DS1 and his girlfriend of 2 years split up 3 weeks ago as she is moving back to her home country for a bit then going travelling for a year and they don’t want to do long distance, DS if finding this incredibly hard. DD1 and DD2 have never gotten along, very different personalities and have always clashed and DS2 tends to keep quiet.

This week DD1 went on holiday with some of her friends to Poland, she got back this afternoon. This evening DD2 decided to tell DS1 that her sister had been with his ex in Poland. DD1 has said this is true but was mostly a coincidence, they both happened to be in Warsaw for the opening night of a concert for an artist that his ex introduced her to. She said they did meet up and hang out but she didn’t realise it was a big deal. This turned into a bit of a tit for tat, I left them to it as they are adults and can handle their own disagreements. Quickly though this turned into DD2 turning to defend DS and saying that his ex uses coke and weed all the time and was probably doing that in Poland. Anyway it escalated and now none of them are talking, they’ve all been really cruel to each other
DS1 told DD1 that she’s single because she’s full of herself and “really ugly”
DD1 told DS1 that his ex doesn’t even care they’ve broken up and was sleeping with other people in Poland. Then went on a whole rant about how he was punching anyway
DD2 basically ran to me and told me all 3 of the others use coke on nights out (I still don’t know at what point she decided to turn on them all), which resulted in DD1 telling me that DD2 had an abortion 2 years ago. I was really firm here and said I didn’t want them to run and tattle to me, that they are adults and don’t need to be telling me things about the others like children.
DS2 then got involved and basically aired everyone’s secrets, how DS1 had cheated on his ex and that DD1 had been telling people he had hit his ex (DD1 and DS deny this being a thing), DD1 uses coke all the time and posts it on private stories on her socials and it’s always with DS1s ex and that DD2 “sleeps around” constantly.

If I’m totally honest I don’t know what to do with all of this. I could have guessed that DD1 used coke on nights out and I have spoken to her about this before. I had no idea about DD2s abortion and whilst I’m of course not angry or worried about this in the same way as the others I do feel sad she didn’t come to me at the time. I had no idea that DS1, DS2 or his ex frequently used drugs on nights out.

I feel totally overwhelmed, confused and concerned on so many levels. I feel like I have a newfound worry for each of them and only one week until all but DD1 go back to uni or in DS1s case start his masters.

AIBU to feel totally overwhelmed and unsure what to do with the info.

Part of me is thinking they are adults, there is nothing I can do. Another part of me is terrified about them using drugs and wants to do anything to stop it. Part of me also wants to talk to DS1 about the accusation of hitting his ex and cheating on her and talk to DD2 about the abortion and why she didn’t feel able to come to me.

What on earth do I do?

But as I said, in my post isn't that the problem

She's ignored it too much. She has four children, three of which are using hard drugs. They all seem to be a bit morally unscrupulous, with one cheating on their partner and one has had an abortion at the age of 19 without being able to tell her mother.

There's more going on in this house than just a few children having a fight. They all sound like very troubled individuals.And they've all been raised in the same household in the same environment, and they're all unable to talk to their mother when it was happening.

For one of your children to be a drug user is unfortunate.But three? What the hell is going on.

Say out of it mama. All of it. If there's a sniff of you taking anyone's side then WW3 will break out.

Do your best to stay out of it but also use it as an opportunity to support each of them who might need it.

They're adults but they're young adults and they're acting like children. You'll need to step in.

One question to ask them is why so many secrets.

@ILoveWhales 3 being a drug user is very normal tbh. Recreational drug use at clubs etc is very very normal. I was genuinely shocked when my adult children told me about how normal it all is, how easily available they are, how they’re sold openly, no secrecy about it like in times gone by. It’s seen as just the same as having a few drinks. I’m appalled by it all 😞

OP, for all their adults, I do think they still need guidance. I would try to sit everyone down together and talk things through, let them know the effect it’s having on you etc. It is horrendous when there’s a fallout between your own children 😞

My thoughts exactly. Taking drugs like coke really disgusts me because basically, as a user, you are every bit a part of the chain of events that goes on to get that coke from the plant to up your nostrils.

I wouldn’t even call it indirect. They are very much an active part of the chain.

I actually blame DS1 for this as he was the first who reacted on facts (DD1 was in Poland at the same time as his ex and saw her ) with very unpleasant emotional outburst.
I think you need to talk to all of them about stopping bickering, mutual respect and that at the moment they all look like children who can’t handle independence for various reasons : drugs, arguments etc.
And then I might go to each of them separately because drugs issue is really really worrying.
However saying this I absolutely feel for you as with 4 of them and only week left it look like an enormous task for you.

Well I couldn't stay out of this, I just couldn't.

I'd be saying that if they can't be civil and respectful to each other then they can move out. I would mean it too.

Then I'd check in with DS1, directly ask if he hit a woman and why he feels that this is acceptable?

DD1 to ask why she feels it's ok to disclose DD2s medical information, ask her how she thinks DD2 feels now. Does she have no empathy at all?

DD2, to check she's ok after the termination disclosure, but also what her motives were in reporting the others coke habits. She needs to know that malicious actions do have consequences.

Then I'd read them all the riot act re the effects of coke, both on society and on their health.

Honestly OP, you can't control how they act but you can remind them that they were brought up with decent values and if they can't be respectful in your home then they can leave right now. They all owe you an apology.

Ots extremely worrying they are all using drugs 😔. Are you very rich?

Whut?

You dont need to be rich to take drugs 😵‍💫😵‍💫

What part of my post are you objecting to? I've specifically advised not to ignore the info received.

She could certainly go and tell off her adult children but will that achieve anything? Probably not but it will drive them away particularly if she comes at it with a judgemental attitude.

Change is driven through motivation. Telling people what to do doesn't drive change. Understanding where someone is at present comes through being curious about what is happening for them, where they want to go, and questioning whether their current actions are taking them closer or farther away from their goals.

Fair point sorry.

It was just a part where you said of nor the information she's been given. How can she do that? That's where the children added up, where they are, because seems as if there's been a heart of a lot going on under her nose that she should have picked up on.

If it was me i would say since you are all behaving like children, would you like me to treat you like children and put you in time out?

OP needs support, not criticism
OP, I am sure that a lot of families will have hidden secrets that would only come out in a moment of crisis.
Please take a deep breath and go out for a walk.
Your head is spinning with this.
Let the dust settle before you make any decisions.
You are clearly a lovely parent.
Fwiw, the behind the scenes misendeavours of family life are likely to be a surprise for many.
Take care OP

Won't be approaching you for support or sympathy then?
What an unkind, judgemental post.
You have the perfect family, right?

They all seem to be a bit morally unscrupulous, with one cheating on their partner and one has had an abortion at the age of 19 without being able to tell her mother.

Why is it morally unscrupulous to have an abortion without telling your mum?

I would be angry will all of them as they need to grow up and behave like adults. There is enough going on in the world without all this crap! Tell them to sort it or move out!

It’s interesting that so many PP are focused on the drugs. If you have DC between 18-25 it is very likely that they have tried drugs. If your DC are younger you have it to look forward to. If older then they have successfully kept it from you.
As adults, OPs DC are entitled to privacy and whether they share personal details with their DM is entirely up to them. Some families share some don’t. What is unacceptable is sharing confidential details about their siblings.

In order to have a good relationship going forward you need to sit them down and explain that you don’t need to know everything. They are at an age when they are all seeking independence and will naturally drift apart, but they will become friends again, but probably need a little guidance about boundaries.

There needs to be an agreement that they look after each other, but if they are worried about one of their siblings behaviour they seek advice. The same goes for you, as the parent, you need to become one of the family “team” and not just mum.

We had a code of behaviour as adult siblings. If we were worried about each other we would first discuss it amongst ourselves, only taking it to parent level if necessary. It prepared us for when DM & DF were not around. We lost our parents in our early 30s and needed our own sibling network to cope with it.

Their recent behaviour suggests that they still expect you to mediate. Maybe it’s time to step back, explain that as adults you are no longer the “sorter outer” but give them tools to work it out.

There is nothing more humbling than your parents expressing how disappointed they are with your behaviour. But in this case not the behaviour they’ve been disclosing about each other but the fact they feel it necessary to involve you in their fall out by disclosing information that they have probably promised not to disclose.

A family meeting would be a good idea. But not one where you lay down the law. Try and take a neutral stand and stress that you are not interested in the tittle tattle but are more concerned about them trying to involve you.

Once you have introduced the new regime then it’s time to withdraw and let them work out their own rules.

There will be periods of their lives when they drift apart but knowing your sibling has your back even if you haven’t spoken to them for months is reassuring and healthy.
The most important thing is that you don’t take sides or get sidetracked by what you have learned. You can address any worries you have about individual behaviour later.

God no. Grew up in an awful household thats why I can see it with OPs family.

Dont tell their mother anything, tell each other and then spew it to mum in a fit of rage.

Sounds like my upbringing which is why I recognise it.

Divide and rule i bet was the way she parented and now it's hardly surprising they're at each other's throats.

That's what I thought of immediately too 🤪

Show them this article, about the children being trafficked and abused as part of cocaine dealing gangs. If that doesn't put you off using, nothing will...

https://www.theguardian.com/global-development/ng-interactive/2024/jun/11/north-african-children-beaten-tortured-europe-cocaine-gangs

😂😂😂 I was scrolling to see if anyone else had the same first thought as me! Reminds me of this scene haha

I’m glad I wasn’t the only one! 😂😂