My adult DC have all just had a massive fallen out

[Ghringle]

I have 4 DC, they are all adults now DS1 is 24, DD1 is 22, DD2 is 21 and DS2 is 19. Right now and for exactly one more week they are all living at home.

Some background here
DS1 and his girlfriend of 2 years split up 3 weeks ago as she is moving back to her home country for a bit then going travelling for a year and they don’t want to do long distance, DS if finding this incredibly hard. DD1 and DD2 have never gotten along, very different personalities and have always clashed and DS2 tends to keep quiet.

This week DD1 went on holiday with some of her friends to Poland, she got back this afternoon. This evening DD2 decided to tell DS1 that her sister had been with his ex in Poland. DD1 has said this is true but was mostly a coincidence, they both happened to be in Warsaw for the opening night of a concert for an artist that his ex introduced her to. She said they did meet up and hang out but she didn’t realise it was a big deal. This turned into a bit of a tit for tat, I left them to it as they are adults and can handle their own disagreements. Quickly though this turned into DD2 turning to defend DS and saying that his ex uses coke and weed all the time and was probably doing that in Poland. Anyway it escalated and now none of them are talking, they’ve all been really cruel to each other
DS1 told DD1 that she’s single because she’s full of herself and “really ugly”
DD1 told DS1 that his ex doesn’t even care they’ve broken up and was sleeping with other people in Poland. Then went on a whole rant about how he was punching anyway
DD2 basically ran to me and told me all 3 of the others use coke on nights out (I still don’t know at what point she decided to turn on them all), which resulted in DD1 telling me that DD2 had an abortion 2 years ago. I was really firm here and said I didn’t want them to run and tattle to me, that they are adults and don’t need to be telling me things about the others like children.
DS2 then got involved and basically aired everyone’s secrets, how DS1 had cheated on his ex and that DD1 had been telling people he had hit his ex (DD1 and DS deny this being a thing), DD1 uses coke all the time and posts it on private stories on her socials and it’s always with DS1s ex and that DD2 “sleeps around” constantly.

If I’m totally honest I don’t know what to do with all of this. I could have guessed that DD1 used coke on nights out and I have spoken to her about this before. I had no idea about DD2s abortion and whilst I’m of course not angry or worried about this in the same way as the others I do feel sad she didn’t come to me at the time. I had no idea that DS1, DS2 or his ex frequently used drugs on nights out.

I feel totally overwhelmed, confused and concerned on so many levels. I feel like I have a newfound worry for each of them and only one week until all but DD1 go back to uni or in DS1s case start his masters.

AIBU to feel totally overwhelmed and unsure what to do with the info.

Part of me is thinking they are adults, there is nothing I can do. Another part of me is terrified about them using drugs and wants to do anything to stop it. Part of me also wants to talk to DS1 about the accusation of hitting his ex and cheating on her and talk to DD2 about the abortion and why she didn’t feel able to come to me.

What on earth do I do?

That’s a lot of information to get in 30 seconds.

They’re all very clearly demonstrating that maturity of the brain doesn’t end until age 25! They’re still adolescents and behaving as such.

You can’t do anything with the info really other than tell the drug users it’s not a good idea (again).

I’m sorry, this must be very difficult for you.

My exact thought!

Though, as others have said, they have all behaved poorly and there are issues all round - none Insurmountable in any case - seriously DD2 appears the deliberate instigator and I would NOT be having that. Who wants to be around someone who will just cause ructions for the fun of it? Don’t let her away with it, that’s appalling behaviour and imo could be more corrosive to your family long term than any individual problems each child might be having.

I’m sure they would all be happier if they stopped snorting cocaine, taking weed and having unprotected sex.

people are saying they’re adults. Well they’re very young adults. Your job is clearly not yet done here with them.

I’d be taking each one off for a walk or drink or snack and having a MASSIVE chat with them.

DS1 especially.

For a start, if they're all using coke, I'd cut whatever support you are giving them at uni.

I'd have a family meeting before they go, and tell them you are ashamed and disappointed in all of them. That you didn't raise them to behave like that and you thought they had more intelligence.

That you expect them to behave better at Christmas.

Then I'd send them off knowing they have let you down. To be honest, there is not much else you can do. As you say, they are all adults

Your DD2 is a right little shit stirrer isn't she.

Apart from a word with telling her that she's an adult and to stop tale telling tay well out of it. It's just another week.

and I’d be showing photos of the holes cocaine makes in people’s brains.

I would be mad with them all. I would be sitting them all down for a meeting with strict instructions that they are there to listen. Maybe there is something about being in the home has made them act like children. Perhaps dd2 felt dd1 was not being loyal to her brother but why she blabbed I have no idea?? Dd1 sounds obsessed with how people look. As for the drugs I would be furious that they are immature enough not to realise or care that they damage their bodies every time. The abortion was an awful thing to share which could have been so traumatic. The one over on each other is ridiculous. What goes on in their private lives is private or supposed to be. Somehow as siblings they clearly do not have similar morals or values. I would be speaking to them about what you hoped for them as adults. Also tell them the effects on you finding out all of this.

Go on holiday (or stay local in an airbnb if you have to work) and tell them you won't be back til they've all moved out.

You do nothing. The next day you say over breakfast. Well lady night was feisty. Hope you're all feeling better this morning ... And plonk a bacon. Butty in front of each other just like normal

They need to grow up, stop acting like teenagers and move out. They also need to show respect and have consideration for you as their mother.

If my DC did cocaine I’d be disgusted and would make it clear in no uncertain terms that people who do that drug are not welcome in my house, and if I found out it was happening I’d be the one calling the police.

They have clearly reverted to childhood dynamics by being at home but that is the sort of blow out I wouldn’t be totally sure what to do with.

I think you have to ignore the bickering side of things but I like the suggestion from a previous poster to text them individually and say you’re there if they want a chat. How are they funding university? If you are supporting in any way and they are still finding money for coke id be tempted to reduce any allowance. I wouldn’t be wanting to be funding their drug habits which do seem pretty rife if they’re all frequently taking coke. Were they on something the night of the argument?

I think it is very common that when siblings reunite they can take on their personas and dynamics from childhood.

I don’t think you need to get involved here - say you love them all and hate them arguing. Express the importance of family and ask if they can move forward cohesively

Re drugs/sex etc they will do as they please anyway.

Family meeting. The tittle tattle stops now. They’re informing you to grass up each other like children, not with any wellbeing in mind. It’s vindictive and not helpful.
You’re all navigating a new dynamic as a parent to (new, just about) adults. This means respecting boundaries and privacy, but being around for support. Ideally they’d reciprocate that with each other too.
When the dust settles, ask individually if they’d like to revisit any of the remarks made. You’re handling this very well - life is happening to them and they’re forging a path with a super parent who offers support not judgement.

Absolutely this.
The only thing i would add is to leave it for a couple of days to let the dust settle. It seems everyone's emotions settle and give everyone a chance to reflect on their words

As a mum of five adult kids, I would advise that you keep as well out of it as if they were strangers.

It won't stop you worrying of course, but I wouldn't 'speak to' any of them about it. Half of it might not be true, half of it might be 'talked up' simply to vilify a sibling, most of it will be designed to make you so angry that YOU wade in.

So what I do if my lot start stirring the shit about each other (which they rarely do now, as they all live away from home and they're a bit older than your lot) is to say things like 'I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm not sure why you're telling me.' If you try to come in on one person's side, others will band together against you. So try to stay neutral, quiet and just let them fight it out. There is absolutely nothing you can do about any of it anyway.

They tend to grow out of most of the worst of it.

Christ alive what a load of drama. I think the only thing you can do here is tell them all you’re not interested in their tittle tattle and keep out of it.
I’m sure it’ll all blow over.

I would be reading them the riot act on tbd drugs. I’d be making it crystal clear that it’s not casual, cool or no harm but in fact supporting an ‘industry’ propped up by dangerous men and abused women and children (with the odd dangerous woman).
They need a reality check on that.

The rest of it tell them to bloody grow up and DD2 to stop shit stirring.

The thing I'd be most concerned about is your sons attitude to women, you have 1 son slut shaming his sister and the other cheating on and possibly abusing his partners. They sound like misogynistic pigs.

Tell them to leave the house and do their life would be my initial response. Until that happens make some rules of "no bickering"

The drugs issue would be the one I would be most concerned by and the fact they turn on each other. Sounds like they reverted to being teenagers but it sounds like they were all just antagonising each other due to being in close proximity. I would be sitting them down and telling them they need to do better but also tattling on brothers and sisters is unhelpful.

Family rule - if they don't have anything nice to say, keep their gobs shut.

Anyone who can't do this can leave early and pay for an Airbnb, hostel or cheap hotel wherever they're going.

Think the best thing you can do between the 4 is stay neutral, have strong boundaries and refuse to be drawn in. Then find an opportunity to talk to each of them individually to check they're ok. Only you know how well raising of the things that got mentioned and having a check in would go down.

I'd also take the opportunity to remind dd2 that shit-stirring is an extremely unattractive quality.

Sounds like they definitely need to be under separate roofs asap.

They are adults but still young and inexperienced. I'd get them all together to tackle the drugs allegation and to tell them to knock it off.

They've regressed because they are at home and cooped up with each other.

Although I remember my DF and his siblings threatening to tell my DGM on each other, when they had grown families of their own!