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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My adult DC have all just had a massive fallen out

145 replies

Ghringle · 13/09/2025 02:24

I have 4 DC, they are all adults now DS1 is 24, DD1 is 22, DD2 is 21 and DS2 is 19. Right now and for exactly one more week they are all living at home.

Some background here
DS1 and his girlfriend of 2 years split up 3 weeks ago as she is moving back to her home country for a bit then going travelling for a year and they don’t want to do long distance, DS if finding this incredibly hard. DD1 and DD2 have never gotten along, very different personalities and have always clashed and DS2 tends to keep quiet.

This week DD1 went on holiday with some of her friends to Poland, she got back this afternoon. This evening DD2 decided to tell DS1 that her sister had been with his ex in Poland. DD1 has said this is true but was mostly a coincidence, they both happened to be in Warsaw for the opening night of a concert for an artist that his ex introduced her to. She said they did meet up and hang out but she didn’t realise it was a big deal. This turned into a bit of a tit for tat, I left them to it as they are adults and can handle their own disagreements. Quickly though this turned into DD2 turning to defend DS and saying that his ex uses coke and weed all the time and was probably doing that in Poland. Anyway it escalated and now none of them are talking, they’ve all been really cruel to each other
DS1 told DD1 that she’s single because she’s full of herself and “really ugly”
DD1 told DS1 that his ex doesn’t even care they’ve broken up and was sleeping with other people in Poland. Then went on a whole rant about how he was punching anyway
DD2 basically ran to me and told me all 3 of the others use coke on nights out (I still don’t know at what point she decided to turn on them all), which resulted in DD1 telling me that DD2 had an abortion 2 years ago. I was really firm here and said I didn’t want them to run and tattle to me, that they are adults and don’t need to be telling me things about the others like children.
DS2 then got involved and basically aired everyone’s secrets, how DS1 had cheated on his ex and that DD1 had been telling people he had hit his ex (DD1 and DS deny this being a thing), DD1 uses coke all the time and posts it on private stories on her socials and it’s always with DS1s ex and that DD2 “sleeps around” constantly.

If I’m totally honest I don’t know what to do with all of this. I could have guessed that DD1 used coke on nights out and I have spoken to her about this before. I had no idea about DD2s abortion and whilst I’m of course not angry or worried about this in the same way as the others I do feel sad she didn’t come to me at the time. I had no idea that DS1, DS2 or his ex frequently used drugs on nights out.

I feel totally overwhelmed, confused and concerned on so many levels. I feel like I have a newfound worry for each of them and only one week until all but DD1 go back to uni or in DS1s case start his masters.

AIBU to feel totally overwhelmed and unsure what to do with the info.

Part of me is thinking they are adults, there is nothing I can do. Another part of me is terrified about them using drugs and wants to do anything to stop it. Part of me also wants to talk to DS1 about the accusation of hitting his ex and cheating on her and talk to DD2 about the abortion and why she didn’t feel able to come to me.

What on earth do I do?

OP posts:
Boreded · 13/09/2025 14:50

I would tell them openly and honestly, in whatever terms or language you think would resonate best:

you are all adults, you can continue acting like children/dicks, or you can accept that there have been mistakes and move on.

works for my teenager

BoundaryGirl3939 · 13/09/2025 14:55

It seems DD2 went about poking the bear for some reason. I'm always surprised when people don't mind their own business.

DS1 seems like a dick too.

Laundrywitch · 13/09/2025 15:57

So Jerry Springer. Yes I did use to watch his show when I was 18 and living in America.

Hankunamatata · 13/09/2025 16:08

Crikey. Ita like that scene in friends where Monica and Ross are trying to one up themselves in secrets stakes to their parents.

Id tell them you love them all. You dont need to know all this crap and to settle it amongst themselves.

Louise122 · 14/09/2025 17:48

Main thing is to not take sides.
be there for all of them

GAJLY · 14/09/2025 18:06

DD2 is a real shit stirrer, you need to tell her that she caused this and ignited it further. Ignore the others, they've all been wound up by DD2.

Laurmolonlabe · 14/09/2025 18:26

I think it's time to tell the older three they need to move- they clearly have their own lives and are not listening to you, and living at home doesn't seem to be moderating their behaviour, and they are not asking for help with their problems, so I would say it is time for them to go.

Blablibladirladada · 14/09/2025 18:29

Wow.

I am sorry op, that is extremely shitty of them. I think keep your neutral boundaries. Anything told for a tat that doesn’t require attention just forget as much as possible and leave them clean the mess they did. They might not want to try that again another time…

Hopefully you can laugh at it in a few years telling them you turned to Mnet coz they did your headin’

Horsie · 14/09/2025 18:30

I would talk to them calmly, individually.

The most pressing issue is the drug use. It's dangerous, can result in terrible addiction issues, and is illegal so they could go to jail. Not to mention it's really expensive! And ask them how they're planning to save for their future if they're putting their money up their nose.

I think you need to find out if any of them are actually addicted. They might need professional help to kick the habit.

Then you can talk about the possible violence from your DS1 to his ex, and try to find out from your DD why she couldn't come to you about her abortion.

But first order of business is to find out if any of them are actually addicted to drugs.

Sorry, OP. All this sounds really hard.

atinydropofcherrysherry · 14/09/2025 18:31

Force them out, if they have money for sleeping around, international travels, coke and abortions, they can muster money for real life

Horsie · 14/09/2025 18:32

Hankunamatata · 13/09/2025 16:08

Crikey. Ita like that scene in friends where Monica and Ross are trying to one up themselves in secrets stakes to their parents.

Id tell them you love them all. You dont need to know all this crap and to settle it amongst themselves.

That scene immediately came to mind when I was reading OP's post!

sxcizme3010 · 14/09/2025 18:33

Baital · 13/09/2025 04:40

Stay out of it.

At some point when everything has calmed down and life is ticking over as normal address whatever you need to, in a casual way, one to one.

Let them know, on an individual basis, that they are an adult so need to manage their own sibling relationships. That you are not going to get involved.

Mention (assuming these are your views) that you support a woman's right to choose and would support your daughter if she decided to have an abortion. That you understand experimenting with drugs, but worry about gradually becoming addicted plus the violence and exploitation involved.

Then leave the subject(s) unless they choose to raise them.

This is the best advice you will get...

Stay out of it completely, don't talk about any of the children to their siblings, discuss any of their business/topics they have come to you with. Keep their confidence 100% and treat them all equally... otherwise you'll lose their trust and its a downward spiral from then on

Londontown12 · 14/09/2025 18:36

Leave them to it !!! Like toddlers they usually navigate it and end up making up again and that why u can be stress free !
if u get involved they wont Thankyou for it . u will end up feeling horrible x

Horsie · 14/09/2025 18:40

Pricelessadvice · 13/09/2025 06:50

That’s a lot of information to get in 30 seconds.

Show quote history

And you KNEW about this?

DancingNotDrowning · 14/09/2025 18:41

Every single parent of adult children who have them return home for periods of time can relate to this childish bickering in some form or another.

when children have played out their entire life in a family role (eldest/youngest; funny one/helpful one) then gone away and found perhaps a different role in a different setting it can be really hard when they all come back together. Clashes are inevitable.

the previously existing hierarchy’s have disintegrated and are replaced by uncertainty as to how to act with each other,

it’s annoying and unpleasant at times but it’s part of their navigating the transition to being fully fledged adults.

just calmly repeat you are adults, you need to resolve this amongst yourselves and leave it at that.

if they are making life difficult for you/upsetting you, take yourself away for a couple of days

Horsie · 14/09/2025 18:43

SamkaSabrinka · 13/09/2025 07:12

and I’d be showing photos of the holes cocaine makes in people’s brains.

And their noses. Daniella Westbrook photos should do it.

notacooldad · 14/09/2025 18:46

Force them out, if they have money for sleeping around, international travels, coke and abortions, they can muster money for real life

It doesn't sound like there'll be any money left after all that shenanigans!!!

floraldreamer · 14/09/2025 18:50

I haven't RTFT but if they're not concerned about other dangers of using coke, it can also put them at risk of Hepatitis.

Abominableday · 14/09/2025 18:55

I would take yourself off to a hotel for the night OP

Facecloth · 14/09/2025 18:59

I would be furious with them.
What selfish brats.
Can they ALL get out and sofa surf?
Because they need a dose of reality.
Are you funding them?
Because like hell would I be funding their drug habits.
I would tell them I disgusted with their behaviour and how they speak of each other.
I would tell them their complete lack of loyalty towards each other is a profound disappointment to me.

Actually taking yourself off to a hotel if you can is an excellent idea.
With the warning that house had better be left spotless.

Itdoesntmatteranyway · 14/09/2025 19:03

Just say to them all ‘I’m here if you need me’.

Pinkproseccolady · 14/09/2025 19:10

OMG I feel so sad for you. It must be devastating after all the work bringing up 4 children to witness this happening. I've no idea what I would do. Do you think they will resolve this themselves after sleeping on it? Do you have a partner to help support you? Sending virtual hugs.

TheTwattening · 14/09/2025 19:15

Zoiks.

Similar to what user9064385631 has already said, I feel this thread should be shared on the hundreds of threads of women agonizing over a third / fourth baby, citing "cute gang" / "little tribe" / "crowded table for Sunday lunches" as their rationale.

WonderingWanda · 14/09/2025 19:17

I would give dd2 a bollocking dor starting the whole thing off and telling tales. Then bollock all of tuem for their behaviour during this arguement.....and in general with all the drug taking and sleeping around. None of them have covered themselves in glory. Send them all out and tell them not to come home until they can start behaving like actual adults.

apricotcobbler · 14/09/2025 19:24

Phatgurslyms · 13/09/2025 06:25

Well, they are all very young

Show quote history

"Very young", my fat aunt !!

At 21 I was qualified in a medical speciality, had spent 3 years living away from home when at Uni and was running my own business. I had my own flat share with another professional and went home about every 3 months.

It sounds to me like they've been "babied" for far too long. 🙄