My adult DC have all just had a massive fallen out

[Ghringle]

I have 4 DC, they are all adults now DS1 is 24, DD1 is 22, DD2 is 21 and DS2 is 19. Right now and for exactly one more week they are all living at home.

Some background here
DS1 and his girlfriend of 2 years split up 3 weeks ago as she is moving back to her home country for a bit then going travelling for a year and they don’t want to do long distance, DS if finding this incredibly hard. DD1 and DD2 have never gotten along, very different personalities and have always clashed and DS2 tends to keep quiet.

This week DD1 went on holiday with some of her friends to Poland, she got back this afternoon. This evening DD2 decided to tell DS1 that her sister had been with his ex in Poland. DD1 has said this is true but was mostly a coincidence, they both happened to be in Warsaw for the opening night of a concert for an artist that his ex introduced her to. She said they did meet up and hang out but she didn’t realise it was a big deal. This turned into a bit of a tit for tat, I left them to it as they are adults and can handle their own disagreements. Quickly though this turned into DD2 turning to defend DS and saying that his ex uses coke and weed all the time and was probably doing that in Poland. Anyway it escalated and now none of them are talking, they’ve all been really cruel to each other
DS1 told DD1 that she’s single because she’s full of herself and “really ugly”
DD1 told DS1 that his ex doesn’t even care they’ve broken up and was sleeping with other people in Poland. Then went on a whole rant about how he was punching anyway
DD2 basically ran to me and told me all 3 of the others use coke on nights out (I still don’t know at what point she decided to turn on them all), which resulted in DD1 telling me that DD2 had an abortion 2 years ago. I was really firm here and said I didn’t want them to run and tattle to me, that they are adults and don’t need to be telling me things about the others like children.
DS2 then got involved and basically aired everyone’s secrets, how DS1 had cheated on his ex and that DD1 had been telling people he had hit his ex (DD1 and DS deny this being a thing), DD1 uses coke all the time and posts it on private stories on her socials and it’s always with DS1s ex and that DD2 “sleeps around” constantly.

If I’m totally honest I don’t know what to do with all of this. I could have guessed that DD1 used coke on nights out and I have spoken to her about this before. I had no idea about DD2s abortion and whilst I’m of course not angry or worried about this in the same way as the others I do feel sad she didn’t come to me at the time. I had no idea that DS1, DS2 or his ex frequently used drugs on nights out.

I feel totally overwhelmed, confused and concerned on so many levels. I feel like I have a newfound worry for each of them and only one week until all but DD1 go back to uni or in DS1s case start his masters.

AIBU to feel totally overwhelmed and unsure what to do with the info.

Part of me is thinking they are adults, there is nothing I can do. Another part of me is terrified about them using drugs and wants to do anything to stop it. Part of me also wants to talk to DS1 about the accusation of hitting his ex and cheating on her and talk to DD2 about the abortion and why she didn’t feel able to come to me.

What on earth do I do?

DS1 is the problem. His siblings believe he is a cheat who assaulted a woman, and he has shown his poor attitude in expecting to control his sister and insulting her appearance.
The termination is in the past. Nothing to be gained by bringing this up. The drug use is a worry but not nothing you can really influence. But there's no way I'd be ignoring the serious issues raised about DS1. If what they've said is true, I couldn't stay silent about that.

Stay silent, say nothing, keep out of it. ANYTHING you do will make it worse and you will get the blame - quite rightly - for sticking your oar in.

I agree they have reverted to childlike behaviour.

Is there any way you can piss off for a week and leave them to it? Stay with a mate you have been promising to visit?

Otherwise I would refuse to engage. Try to use humour to diffuse the situation.

Good luck!

To be honest, id be telling them its all time to move out and grow the fuck up.

Exactly what I wanted to say. 👍

Leave them to it. It's up to them to sort out their own relationships with each other. You can't say anything to one without appearing to take sides. Also nothing you say will change their choices re drugs, how they treat each other etc.

My two have never really got on but they mostly live together amicably (with us) by getting on with their own lives. When one occasionally complains about the other, I remain neutral, but make it clear I love them both.

Don't ask if dd2 wants to talk re the abortion, just maybe say you are there for all of them if they need you.

Do nothing. Leave them all to it or they'll accuse you if taking sides.

Is there a DH/their dad about? If so, I’d clear off to the seaside with him for the rest of the weekend and leave them to it!
I’d hope they’d grow out of it, but DH and his siblings are 40’s and 50’s and still have spats like this fairly regularly. It always amuses me when there’s a “should we have a 3rd/4th baby” and everyone says go for it, lovely to have lots of siblings…not necessarily!
Maybe it’s time for the older ones to fly the nest, hopefully if they’re not in one another’s pockets so much they might be more cordial.
good luck Op!

Wow that is a hell of a lot to process! I’d be tempted to go stay in a hotel for a couple of nights to give them all a bit of a shock and shift the dynamic out of them all behaving like teenagers. Message the family group chat to say you’re doing this, tell them they need to resolve their issues between themselves, and that you would love to talk to each of them individually if they want to, but you don’t want to hear them bitch to you about each other.

Well this all started with DD2 shit stirring but as my dad used to say, they all need their heads banging together and told to grow the fuck up!

Sounds a bit like a soap opera! But in all honesty I don't think its that weird, 4 adult siblings living together is a recipe for disaster. But it sounds like they have all got it out in the open now!! So it can only get better 😊

I have adult children - none of them speak to each other and 2 of them are quite weird with me.
I just stay out of it - I’m mum to them all they can choose their relationships with me and each other, they’re adults they are free to live their way and see the repercussions of their choices (generally they come back to me if they need me) - I did lots of years playing the peace maker and they are all very different personalities with very different lifestyle choices.
its harder when they are all under one roof and you have adult sized ‘teenagers’ who behave as such - I’d either be really cross and just isolate myself from them or be very blunt and honest and say they seem to have chosen to participate in things they know you’d disapprove of, or clearly don’t need/want your support so until they do - you’re opting out of family life until they choose to behave like family and like adults.
this I think is the equivalent of banging their heads together.

I’d do nothing!

Didn't read it all

Gather them, tell them that as long as they live in you house, there will be no more shitty behaviour

Id tell them all that they need to calm the fuck down and sort it out because you all live under the same roof and this is ridiculous. That you dont need people telling tales on each other. They're too old for this and you aren't impressed

As above I wouldn’t react BUT seeing as they’ve all behaved like 10 year olds I’d change the WiFi password and hope it encourages them to either speak to each other or pack their bags quicker than planned. Feel for you OP

You explained in its entirety your non judgemental view on your DD having an abortion and wishing she had come to you for support. For me that’s the one child I would talk to and tell her how you feel and give her some support.

No idea what your view is on drug taking, I always made it very clear that any drug use at all was completely unacceptable.

But there is the statement that your DS hit his GF, I feel very strongly about violence against women and violence overall and think it’s the one reason I could cut a child off completely.

I would let it play out between them. How they get on is between them. I am part of a large sibling group, there have been falling out but not like this. I am not a believer in threats unless carried out and you can push yourself in to a corner by doing this.

They all need to grow up. I would take a very dim view of sharing the information about your daughter’s abortion. That is her private medical information and it’s despicable for her sibling to use it against her.

I would say you need to stay completely neutral and tell them in no uncertain terms they stop or get out of your house and find somewhere else to stay.

☝️

I have 4 siblings, we're in our 490's, our mum is dead, our WhatsApp group chat still blows up over this sort of thing decades on. Honestly though we'll keep doing this likely u til we die.

We still meet up at least twice a year for a wee holiday, our group chat is constantly active and every one of us has got on a plane for another one a crisis.

It's very likely this will all blow over. Good luck.

'Adults'? They all sound about 12!

Ah I missed the abortion part, if probably let that daughter know that you know, that you're there for her if she wants to talk but there's no reason to stress about you knowing and you won't bring it up again unless she does.

The drugs etc, in our family everything always as ys came/comes out in the wash eventually and it's better out than in mainly because we can understand and support each other as required.

On the upside they all know these things about each other so clearly they normally have close relationships.

I was really firm here and said I didn’t want them to run and tattle to me, that they are adults and don’t need to be telling me things about the others like children.

That's half your problem. You don't want them running tattling to you. They know they can't talk to you. They tell each other rather than you.

That's what I was like with my sister, though I didn't like her. We couldn't talk to our mother, we just couldn't. She was nasty she was judgemental. She was pissed off with our problems. She had denied she was though she thought she was an excellent mother. She couldn't see it.

You've managed to raise a load of drug users, and one of your children has had an abortion as a teenager and it's all completely escaped your attention. They're all completely unable to talk to you about anything. That doesn't happen for nothing.

Your first instincts was don't come running to me like children sort it out amongst yourselves when it sounds like they've been having to do that their entire life.

I don't know how you fix it.It shouldn't have become this way in the first place.

Tell them all to grow up, they are family, it got out of control and to sort it before it becomes a long running rift. If anyone wants to talk about anything relating to themselves you are there, but you are not interested in tales about others.

Then if you are in anyway funding your drug using dc through uni, cut the money back as they obviously have way too much! One drug using dc is unfortunate, 3 there needs to be some very strong messaging.

They seem to want you to come in and give a telling off to their other siblings. It's all very very childish and you're clearly not going to "tell off" your (very young) adult children.

I'd make no comment at all to the people "telling" on their siblings except to ask them what their intentions were in sharing the info. I think you need to leave the door open to each if them to share worries with you while discouraging tattle tales with no object except to see the other in "trouble."

I wouldn't just ignore the info you've been given. I'd speak individually to each of them and make it clear that you're there for them, want to understand what is going on for them, and help out if at all possible. I'd be curious rather than accusing.